Authors Note: This is a one shot set in the beginning of the 6th year. The idea came into my head and I tried to put it into words. I hope it's ok, I would love to know what you think. I would appreciate it loads, I don't think you know how much. Thank you for taking the time to read it, and if you have 5 seconds at the end please review. Thank you once again.
Lelimo x
Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine and never will be, it all belongs to JK. Just the idea is mine.
Also the first song is Louis Armstrong's – We have all the time in the world.
The poem is WH Auden – Twelve Songs IX and the last song is Queen – Who wants to love forever. Anyway here we go.
Alone in Love
'People drain me, even the closest of friends, and I find loneliness to be the best state to live in'
'To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.'
I can see him sitting there. Just as he is, he doesn't hide, he's not afraid to be himself and no one sees this. Everyone around him is blind and they don't notice how hard he has to try to put on his 'I'm so wonderful' act. All that pain, all that contained anger and no one to help him through it. I wish I could but it's not possible, I'm not allowed to as I would be fraternising with the enemy. The value of friendship nowadays seems to amount to nothing; a shadow seems to have been cast across their minds not allowing see the pain and hurt they cause.
I know what it's like to be alone, with no one to turn to. I have two fantastic best friends, a girl couldn't ask for better. They're loving, caring and protective, sometimes ever so slightly overprotective. However, even with them there I feel alone, I feel incomplete and so, so cold. Most importantly how can I feel so alone? I don't know why I continue to hold onto the hope that someday I'll be noticed properly for who I am. I know how to smile and laugh, to have a good time, to enjoy myself, to create a charade and to be someone I'm not. I want to break free, be me with no restrictions. The charade I have created is what keeps me where I am within the restrictions or either my friends or my books or my work. I sometimes go mad with the thought that if just once one of them asked me how I truly felt, whether there was something wrong and not accept my first and instant answer of 'I'm fine'.
I understand the pain he's going through, the want to break free and not having the will to do it. Having to conform to what people are used to. People don't like change; it's quite amazing how much it scares them. I tried to change seats in class once to move further back away from the front and just do something different for a change. However this wasn't allowed, when the person who normally sat there arrived said person removed me roughly from the chair and told me to get back where I belong. Not forgetting to add the delightful word 'mudblood' on the end of what was supposedly a sentence, but in actual fact was really a command.
Everything is so fake around me, so made up and pretentious. I don't know how people cope without questioning and wondering why things are the way they are. Why people aren't allowed to change without causing pain or disruption for others. You see, I know he's changed, that's obvious and I want to know why. I can't help it that I'm curious, but most of all I want to help. It's easy to observe that something's wrong. The bent head, the dull eyes that have lost their cold, hard edge and especially the lack of nasty comments that usually protrude from his mouth.
I watch him leave the Hall, looking around me I try inconspicuously to follow him without causing anyone to notice. He walks fast I'll give him that, his head bent, blonde hair falling in front of his face no doubt and eyes fixed firmly on the stone floor. His hands are placed deeply inside his pockets, hidden away and I'm pretty sure I can see the cogs turning in his head as a thousand thoughts enter it. We climb stairs, walk along corridors and turn abrupt corners until we reach the library.
0000
I sit over in my favourite chair and start to read a book, the first one I grabbed from the bookshelf. From my chair I can see the majority of the library, so I'll know if he leaves. I lower my head to look at the book I've picked up and find that it has no title only a silver eye etched onto the front cover. Intrigued I open it up and find pages full of words upon the history of magic. The words invite me in and I read, devouring each word, each sentence and each chapter. I forget all about the time, time doesn't matter when you're learning that's what I always thought and that's why I spent so much time in the library in the first place.
'I'm closing the library now dear, it's 9 o'clock.'
I look up and find Madame Pomfrey staring down expectantly at me. 'Oh, yes of course, I'm going. Sorry.'
'No need to apologise, I could see you were very involved with the book, just like another young man.' She replied.
'Which young man?' I enquire.
'Oh, he's just left been here as long as you I believe. Anyway you must go now, it'll be curfew soon.'
'Yes, yes I'm going.' I reply angrily, more angrily than I had intended. I just can't believe I lost him. 'Shit.' I mutter out loud and Madame Pomfrey raises an eyebrow at me. Then I'm gone, I step out of the library wondering where to go. Up. Up is where I want to go, so I automatically head for the North Tower.
0000
Sitting by the window gazing out at the stars, watching them twinkle and shine in the moonlight. Nothing more perfect than silence and thinking that peace reigns in the world. I know it doesn't but one can dream can't they? I could fabricate a world if I wanted to but I don't dare as I know it would consume me and I'd forget all about reality. It just shows how weak I am, knowing that I'd be overwhelmed by my own mind and stay there quite happily. A world of peace, calm and serenity. That would be something to look forward to in the foreseeable future I don't see that happening though.
A light but cold breeze seeps through the gaps in the window causing me to wrap my arms around my legs and hug my knees. I can't stop myself from thinking how wonderful it would be if I had someone to share this with. It just proves that people can be so alone in a world full of happiness. So much goes on that doesn't include those who are in love. We're outsiders to this feeling and it haunts us like the plague which never seems to depart. It just buries itself further and further inside taking over any possible idea that one day I will be apart of all the love. I have indeed become a cynic and that's the way I feel it'll stay.
'We have all, the time in the world
Time enough for life
To unfold
All the precious things
Love has in store
We have all the love in the world
If that's all we have
You will find
We need nothing more.'
I sing to myself, when I was young my Mum did the same thing while making me count the stars, which in turn caused me to sleep like a log. Although, now it doesn't appear to have the same effect regrettably and there's nothing I can do about it. This is the way it'll be forever more, a life without my Mother.
'Every step of the way
Will find us
With the cares of the world
Far behind us
We have all the time in the world
Just for love
Nothing more
Nothing less
Only love'
I tear my eyes away from the stars to see a black figure standing in the door way illuminated by the candle light from the stairway. I look and take each bit of the person in piece by piece. I know those arms, those hands, the shape of his head, how tall he stands and the way he used to hold himself upright like he's doing now.
'To sing well I was always told you had to stand tall otherwise you couldn't use your diaphragm to project your voice.'
'Well my voice can't have projected very far then could it?'
'I don't know about that, you must be a special case seeing as I heard your voice from over by the Great Lake.' He replied. 'As sweet as a skylark and as soft as turtledove.'
I sat there completely speechless, that was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me. I couldn't care less if he was mocking me or being spiteful, I could have rushed over to him and kiss every inch of his face. Someone had taken notice and made me 3D, rather than the 2D person I felt like that was only a friend of Harry Potter.
'My, my, Hermione Granger rendered speechless. Quite a rarity I must say, I wish a vido reforder to record the silence.'
I couldn't help it, I had to laugh, 'A video recorder is what you mean isn't it?' Malfoy waved his hand in front of his face as if to dismiss his error. 'However, I'm very impressed you knew of such a piece of Muggle equipment.'
'A Malfoy is always expected to know all whether Muggle or not. It's a key to survival.'
'Just as being ignored by your friends is?' I asked tentively.
'What?' Malfoy replied sharply turning his head so that his eyes pierced mine with almost unbelievable hurt. 'What did you just say?' He repeated disbelievingly.
'I've seen you and them.' That was all I needed to say, there was no need for an explanation. He knew what I meant and that was enough for me. As if he wasn't able to handle the truth he turned away from me and bowed his head. I started to dismount from the windowsill to go over to him.
'Stay where you are.'
I stayed and didn't move another muscle. I heard him mutter 'accio broom' under his breath. Then about 3 minutes later, which turned out to be the longest 3 minutes of my life. Longer than waiting to see if Harry had caught the snitch or not, longer than walking back through the purple fire away from Harry to Ron and definitely longer than waiting for the message from the doctor that her Mum had died. It was unbearable and I never want to go that feeling again. Finally I heard the whoosh of the broom as it neared the room. Malfoy grabbed the broom and walked directly to me with a very mad look in his eyes, almost as if he wanted to kill, wanted to kill me. I was frightened to say the least, I'm pretty sure my eyes gave away that fear and worry because as he neared me the look softened.
'Would you get on?'
'Where are we going?'
'Do you have to know everything?'
'Do you have to keep everything a secret?'
'Touché.'
These questions were fired back and forth so quickly I hardly had any idea what I was saying. And until he said touché, I only just registered what had been said.
'Fine, I'll get on but make sure you don't drop me.' I could swear I saw the left side of his mouth lift in a small smile but instantaneously it disappeared and his lips were set in a thin white line. Slowly but effortlessly he climbed onto the broom behind me, I could feel the warmth he radiated as his torso pressed into my back. I thought that I could get used this feeling: the warmth, the safety and the care.
Malfoy cast open the windows with a wave of his wand and kick of from the ground, flying us through the window out and away from the tower. We flew higher and higher, I swear if we had flown any higher I would have been able to touch the stars that I'd admired and watched for years. Malfoy stopped the broom and we just sat there. I wanted so much to turn around and ask him what we were doing but I was frightened to. I was frightened of falling off, flying had never been my forte and I was frightened that he wouldn't answer me or give me an insufficient answer. Even though I had these fears, I began to turn my body round so I could look into those stormy grey eyes. But before I could even turn my head to look up at him we were diving down, straight back down to the castle. I opened my mouth to scream but no sound transpired, I was screaming a silent scream. The wind was whipping at my face. The cold stung my eyes. I had to screw up my face to stop it hurting.
Then it all suddenly stopped. Carefully I opened my eyes to find myself alone on the broom and Draco Malfoy sitting in front of my on one of the many roofs of the castle. He had the evilest smirk on his face I have ever seen, however it had a pleased side to it as if he had achieved something he'd been waiting to for a long time.
'You going to sit there all evening then Granger? Can't be that comfortable.' The smirk remained. 'Plus I need the broom.'
'Why? Are you going to leave me here?' I asked terrified.
'Now that you mention it… Actually that thought hadn't even crossed my mind, truly. I want the broom so I can transfigure it into something more useful to us in this situation.'
I looked at him quizzically but cautiously climbed off the broom onto the roof and sat down digging my feet into the roof so I wouldn't slide down. Malfoy got up and retrieved the broom, next thing I knew it was two blankets. He laid one down next to me and gestured that I get on. Looking at him with an air of scepticism, which Malfoy purposefully ignored I manoeuvred myself onto the blanket. He then ceremoniously plonked himself down next to me and placed the other blanket over us.
We just sat there in silence, each of us engulfing in the situation in our own ways. I could have quite happily sat there all evening in silence, but I knew we were here to talk, that was what we had wordlessly agreed. I waited for him to start, it was ladies first but men just before or probably more appropriately purebloods before mudbloods.
'It all started when I arrived here. When I learnt that I couldn't have everything my way as I used to. I met a boy who rejected me for others that weren't powerful nor rich, another boy who had so little material wise but had so much more than me, a concept I've only just learnt to grasp and a girl, a mud… a muggleborn no less who was cleverer than me. Firstly this annoyed me, hence all the rivalry, I couldn't believe this and they all had the nerve to stand up to me and make a mockery of me. Now, I'm just sad as you've noticed. I'm still going to become a deatheater, nothing can stop that what with being the son of the 'right hand man'. To be fair, this doesn't bother me, it's what I've grown up with, it's what I've been prepared to do all my life, I suppose you could say it's my destiny.' Malfoy snorted at this in what I think was disgust, then he continued.
'No one is supposed to control you're destiny, that's what you're thinking isn't it Granger? Well unfortunately in this imperfect world it's not the case. It's something I've learnt to live with and that's that. I think that it's the fact that I've only just begun to realise that had I had control of my destiny, things could have been so different, so much better. I could have made real friends, felt real friendship and not had to worry about what my family or others thought of me. I suppose I could have had freedom.' Malfoy looked down at his feet with his mouth set in its usual thin white line.
'You can still have that you know.' I suggested quietly.
'HOW! How the bloody hell can I have that! With my whole fucking destiny and all my decisions already made for me. You might as well try and draw blood from a stone. Granger get it into your thick skull that it's done and the past can't be changed, I can't be changed. This is life, my life and it bloody sucks.'
I sat there stunned at Malfoy's shouting. He was right, nothing could be changed especially as I had no chance of drawing blood from a stone. At least I still have control of my future, he sits next to me, knowing what will happen to him in the next few years.
'What about you? Why are you so sad?' He requested.
'Where do I start?' I asked looking sideways at him.
'The beginning?' He smirked.
'I suppose that's a good place! However, there isn't really a beginning I don't think.' I paused, I had to collect my thoughts. And where to start? I had so many feelings spinning around in my head, which I was about to spill out to my enemy. Ironic. 'Well, I think it all started with the death of my Mum. She died last year of a brain tumour, they caught it too late. She thought the headaches were just severe migraines and no one thought to question why she had them continuously. Everyone was so fucking blind, especially me. I was the one that saw her the most, my Dad's a dentist and the business had been expanding, he was being taken all over the country. Then one day during the summer holidays Mum collapsed and there was no one at home to help her. I got home and found her on the floor of the bathroom. I stood there for about 5 minutes just completely stunned, it was as if I'd forgotten what I needed to do. Finally I managed to phone for an ambulance and they made me check if she was still breathing and made me place her in a comfortable position. They arrived about 15 minutes later and took her away from me.'
I felt Malfoy's hand take mine lightly and give it a small squeeze reassuringly. I squeezed his in return and took a deep breath and continued on with my story. I could feel the tears starting to surface, but I couldn't, more like wouldn't let them come.
' I sat in the ambulance with her, I couldn't look at her, I just couldn't. I was scared that if I did then something else would happen to her. I blamed myself for not being with her and not noticing and I think I always will blame myself. We arrived at the hospital and I was sat down in the relatives room while the doctors sorted Mum out. A nurse came and sat with me for a while and tried to reassure me that my Mum would be ok. But I knew, I already knew it was her time to die.' I turned my head to face him, knowing tears were streaming down my face. Now I just didn't care anymore. 'I knew there was nothing I would be able to do, so I sat and waited until they came and told me that I could go and see her. They had contacted Dad who was on his way but he had been up in the North of the country so wouldn't arrive for hours. I walked over to her bed and looked at her lying there like a lemon. She had a few tubes attached to her and there was a ventilator helping her to breathe. The doctors had explained to me that it was a brain tumour and she probably had hours in which to live. The tumour had spread around her brain and had attacked some major nerves, which basically meant death. Her breathing was so strained I could tell it hurt her to take each breath. Then I wish something awful on her, I wished she would just die and so everything would be over. I sat next to her and watched as each breath got slower and more strained. Then slowly everything just stop, I saw her heart beat on the monitor slow and come to an ultimate stop. That was it, she was dead and I didn't cry, I almost didn't believe it.'
I had just spilled everything out to my enemy. Harry and Ron had thought it best if I was given space to grieve, which was thoughtful of them. Although, I needed someone to tell everything I was feeling to and the someone I had finally found was my enemy.
Malfoy sighed, 'It's my turn to be speechless, I don't know what to say to you Granger. Although I don't think it's a time for words.'
'No, I suppose you're right. Something like that doesn't really need an answer does it?'
'What about Potter and Weasley though?'
'They were very kind, but they didn't give me the kind of comfort I needed. They tried but nothing worked. Bit by bit I became estranged from them and never tried to correct it. It was just the way it was meant to be and I wasn't in the mood to change it. That became my destiny you could say.' I gave Malfoy a small smile.
'Looks as if we're two peas in a pod. Tied by destiny to something we don't want to happen, but we know will and separated from our friends. But everything is meant to happen for a reason supposedly.'
'Thank you for this Malfoy I really needed to talk to someone. I'm very grateful.' I told him.
'Yes and thank you to you too. Thank you for noticing me and noticing that I'd changed. My story may not have been as long but thank you for just listening and not telling me I have to try and change my destiny. For that I'm appreciative.'
I looked down at my watch to check the time. 'It's 4 in the morning, we've been talking for 5 hours. I never thought I would have been able to hold a decent and civil conversation with you for 5 hours!'
Malfoy smiled, a true smile. 'Well miracles can happen.'
Malfoy started to lie back on the blanket and gestured with his hands for me to join him. I went to lie beside him but he wrapped his arm around me and drew me to his chest. So I settled my head down on his chest and closed my eyes breathing in his scent, breathing in him.
0000
'Come on Granger, wake up. Look at the sunrise.'
Groggily I opened my eyes and looked out to the horizon where I could see the sun just start to rise over the mountains. The orangey red glow hit the trees and the side of the castle causing shadows to be cast across the landscape. It was beautiful, I couldn't believe I missed this every morning.
'Isn't it amazing? Isn't it just perfect?' Malfoy questioned.
'You could say that.' I replied.
'Well I'm afraid we have to get back before the school starts to move and rise and see that we're gone. Don't want to cause too much of a stir do we!' He joked.
'Yes, sadly you're right.'
We stood up and I moved off the blankets, which once again became a broom. 'Come on then, climb on.' Malfoy held out his hand to help me clamber on in front of him. 'Now where's your dormitory window?'
I directed him to the window and thankfully he didn't pull any stunts that he'd performed earlier on. Malfoy pulled the broom up as close as he could to the room and I scrambled onto the sill hoping I wouldn't fall. Sitting on the sill I turned back to him and smiled. 'Thank you so much.'
'No, no, thank you Hermione Granger.' Malfoy leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss upon my lips, his lips were so soft and warm. Carefully he pulled the broom away from the window and raised his hand to his forehead in a mock salute, which I mimicked. Laughing, he left and I climbed down into the dormitory and promptly fell onto my bed and fell asleep with a slight smile across my lips. Not before remembering it was now Saturday so no classes and no worrying of having to get up early.
0000
I awoke and stretched, feeling happier with myself than I had in a long time. There was no one in the dorm so I changed quickly and headed into the common room but found no one there either. Strange I thought.
Leaving the common room I walked in the direction of the Great Hall hoping to catch the very last minutes of breakfast. On my way down I met no one, where was everyone? I considered stopping to ask a painting, but they all seemed to have disappeared as well. I had no idea of what was going on, but it was initiating a lot of worry inside me. Finally I heard voices round the corner and stopped to listen to what they were saying.
'Have you heard? About the boy?'
'Yes, terrible, so, so terrible. They're saying he slipped. It's believed he was leaning out of the window to look at the sunrise.'
I couldn't stand it any longer I had to know exactly what had happened, I was beginning to think the worst and it was pleasant. I stormed round the corner with purpose ready to confront the talking paintings.
'What has happened? Will you please explain?' I demanded.
The paintings looked shocked but also angry at me, as if I wasn't meant to be wandering the corridors in the middle of the day. In fact I think the best description for them was speechless.
'Wh…What are you doing here? Everyone is supposed to be congregated in the hall.' One stated.
'Yes, I gather that. But why are we all supposed to be there?'
They looked at one another. 'We don't think it's our place to say anything.' The other said.
'Please, please, I beg you just tell me. I don't care if it's not your place. What has happened to this boy and who is he?' I asked desperately, this was getting worse and worse by the second.
They sighed. 'Fine. I shall tell you, but you are to mention this to no one. Do you understand me?' I nodded, I wasn't entirely sure I was capable of words. 'It is believed that a boy has fallen from the North Tower at some point his morning. He was found by Rubius Hagrid when he was returning from the Forbidden Forest. They think he was leaning out of the window to try and get a better view of the sunrise and leaned too far forward. He broke his neck and back in the fall, died instantly.' The painting paused, he was about to say the name of the boy I could tell. He didn't need to, I already knew who it was, I knew the name that would be spoken from its mouth. 'His name was Draco Malfoy.'
'Fuck.' Tears poured from my eyes as I slumped against the wall and slid down it to huddle on the floor. I could hardly breathe, I felt as if I was being strangled. It was as if someone was sucking the life from me, removing my reason to live and preventing me from progressing in the world. My world, everything around me had begun to crumble and I knew instinctively that I wouldn't be able to rebuild it. The paintings were trying to comfort me, tell me that he couldn't have felt any pain but what did they know?
I had to go, I had to leave and get away as fast as I could. But where to go?
I lifted myself from the floor and dragged my feet along the corridor, walking almost blindly turning here and there when I realised I had made my way to the Entrance of the castle. To my right I could just about hear Dumbledore explaining to the students what had happened to Malfoy. You could have heard a pin drop in there what with the deadly silence that followed. Knowing that I couldn't stay and wait for people to find me standing here in the entrance I raced up the stairs to the only place I knew I'd find peace for now.
0000
I sat by that window for hours, not daring myself to look out of it. I couldn't bring myself to see where Malfoy had knowingly dropped to his death without wanting to tumble out after him. How dare he leave me, especially after last night and that was a typical sodding Malfoy for you. I don't know how Dumbledore has the audacity to stand up to hundreds of people and lie to them. It frustrates me so much that Dumbledore is preventing people from knowing the truth. He was able to tell us what happened to Cedric Diggory when he was killed by Voldemort but just because Malfoy committed suicide.
I know he committed suicide, there is no doubt in my mind or any in Dumbledore's, he's just a bare faced liar but regrettably no one will be wary about what he says. So Malfoy fell and that's how he came to die and that's that. That's what will be recorded for all to see and to me that's a shame, a pitiful shame. It disgusts me to think that a lie will be recorded forever in history because who is going to believe a 16 year witch against Professor friggin' Dumbledore?
I took a deep breath and thought that taking Malfoy's death out on Dumbledore was entirely the wrong thing to do. I should be blaming his parents, his friends and Voldemort. They're the ones indirectly responsible for his death, they're the ones the drove him to it and curse them for evermore. I leant my head against the stone wall and closed my eyes remembering the previous night and how it had been the best for both of us. Stretching out my hands to steady myself I felt something rustle beneath my fingers on one hand, opening my eyes and looking down directly at it I saw parchment. On it was written Hermione, I didn't recognise the scrawl, which could only mean one thing that it was Malfoy's writing.
Dear Hermione,
I want to say thank you again for last night. I think I'll be saying an everlasting thank you to you for everything you made me realise. We didn't exactly share happy thoughts nor did we joke and mess around. I learnt so much that night and I think that I would still have so much to learn from you if I were still alive.
I'm afraid to say that everything we discussed and more couldn't stop me with my decision. Before that night I had already decided the course of action I would take and unfortunately for me you got in the way. That was a good thing by the way. You made me question my decision, which is an achievement in itself. I almost didn't go through with my plan because of you and the thought of what we could have done for each other. However, the pain I have felt and the pain I knew I would feel was far greater than the happiness you showed me. Therefore the pain won and I had to go through with my plan and this was the way things were meant to be.
You're a good person Hermione Granger, don't you ever let anyone ever tell you different. You'll make a man very happy one day and I will forever envy him. I'll continuously watch over you and make sure you're safe, mainly from others rather than from yourself. Once more a thank you for everything and for the potential happiness you could have shown me. You are a light in a dark world Hermione, a rare and beautiful thing. I'm just sorry I realised it too late.
Continual love,
Draco Malfoy.
I had tried to stop the tears, but that would be pointless as I'd end up bursting from all the grief and anger suppressed inside of me. I crumpled up the note in my hand and stuff it roughly into my pocket. I couldn't look at it again, ever again, there was too much pain written into that letter for me to cast my eyes over it. All Malfoy's pain and hurt written into one letter that one person was meant to read, he had burdened me with something so huge. The truth, the pure and simple truth. Although isn't it said that the truth is rarely pure and never simple? Well whoever said that was right because there is so much hate and lies twisted into Malfoy's life and that letter.
0000
I spent the rest of the afternoon up in the North Tower, I didn't see a single soul nor did I hear a single laugh or shout. Today had been a perfect autumn day, the sun had shone, leaves had fallen lightly from the trees and there had been no breeze, no cold draught. Finally, just before dinner I had managed to heave myself up and walk down the tower to see if I could find any sign of civilisation.
I reached the common room and approached the Fat Lady who at once scolded me saying that I should have been down in the Great Hall 10 minutes ago for Malfoy's remembrance dinner thing. With my shoulders sagging I shuffled down to the Great Hall and slid into my seat quietly next to Ron and Seamus. Earning myself a lot of disapproving glances from teachers and worried looks from friends as they hadn't seen me since dinner yesterday.
'I know that Draco Malfoy will be sadly missed. He created an impression on this school that I don't think anyone will be able to forget him. He brought laughter and tears to a great many. I know that a lot of you didn't meet Mr Malfoy eye to eye, however I hope that you will be able to put aside your differences tonight. I hope you will be able to remember him as an intelligent student, a good friend and a valuable member of Hogwarts.' Dumbledore stopped abruptly and directed people to raise their glasses in a toast. 'Draco Malfoy.'
'Draco Malfoy.' The Hall murmured in respect and everyone drank. The pumpkin juice tasted like ash in my mouth, I couldn't believe the hypocrisy in the room. We all sat and Dumbledore motioned for us to eat. No one spoke, I don't think anyone dared to break the silence. It was as if you did then you were disrespecting Malfoy's memory, everything about this room was laughable.
At long last people began to whisper about menial things, which in turn altered to proper talk and that was when the questions began.
'Where have you been?'
'What have you been doing all day?'
'Why weren't you in class?'
'I've been busy.' I replied to nearly everything.
'We were worried about you.' Explained Ron. 'It's not like you to miss lessons.'
'You're looking incredibly pale Mione, are you sure you're ok?' Harry questioned.
'Really I'm fine thanks, perhaps a little tired. I just had a few important things to sort out that couldn't wait.' I tried to convince them. 'But everything is fine now, I've worked it all out and I know what I have to do.' I gave them a small smile, still trying to convince them and probably myself in the process.
Eventually they got off my back and left me to eat. I pushed the food around my plate and shaking my head I started to get up but was prevented by a hand on my arm.
'Aren't you going to stay for the service after dinner?' Harry asked worried.
'Of course, I just have to go to the toilet that's all. Ill be back in a sec ok?'
'Yeah ok, will see you in a few minutes, don't forget we're heading out to the front of the school for the service.' Ron told me.
'Yeah, see you there. Bye.' I replied.
0000
Reaching the Fat Lady, I told her the password and was granted entrance. I went to stand in front of the Common Room fire where I pulled out Malfoy's letter from my pocket. Looking at the crumpled ball in my hands I cast it into the fire not wanting to see it, read it or hold it ever again. I watched it as it burned up, turning black and then nothing that was it, gone, just like him.
I made my way up to my dormitory and lay on my bed looking up at the canopy of the bed. It contained nothing, which was how I felt at that precise moment. Empty and clueless. The same question kept entering my head and as of yet I still didn't have an answer to it. Why was I so miserable that Malfoy had died? I mean I hardly knew him, he'd been my enemy for 6 years. He'd been someone that had continuously taunted me and been hurtful and spiteful. I'd cried over some of the things he'd said and yet here I was mourning him as if he'd been my best friend for my entire life.
Then it struck me, I was sad because last night I realised the things that could have happened with Malfoy. The happiness I could have felt, the understanding we could have had of each other and the love we could have shared. I think I love Draco Malfoy. That's my problem and I didn't know it truly until yesterday. The thing that will stick with me is that laugh he emitted this morning when he left me at my window. It was so happy, so pure and so incredibly wonderful and I know I'll never find anything to replace that. It was priceless.
I lie on my bed in silence, when I begin to hear someone speaking a verse of a poem I recognise but I don't know from where. A film perhaps? A book? I might have learnt it when I was younger?
'The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.'
To me, that says it all. Whoever chose that part of the poem chose wisely and I'm very impressed. I don't know what to say now, nothing can ever come to any good, for me anyway. C'est la vie.
Reaching out to my bedside table I open up the draw and withdraw a bottle, the bottle clinks as the things inside collide. Sleeping pills. I was given these after my Mum's death to help me relax and calm me down. I didn't need all of them because then I couldn't cry for her, I couldn't feel for her as all I felt was blame. I blamed myself and that possessed me, this feeling was what got me through kept me going. I kept thinking that it was all my fault and I had to impress my Mother by continuing on in my normal fashion until it all got too much.
Printed on the bottle in capital letters is: 'DO NOT EXCEED STATED DOSE.' Now my stated dose is two, it was relatively high because the doctors thought me to be unstable and therefore I wouldn't sleep. Opening up the bottle I count how many are left inside and there are about fifteen. I pour ten into my hand and look at them, such a pure white and I'm pretty sure they're laughing at me as if they know what I'm going to do. Closing the bottle I replace it into my bedside table replace it with my glass of water. I'm so surprised that my hands aren't shaking, it's worrying how calm and collected I am.
I sit for another half an hour listening to the service down in the grounds, they've had some testimonies from various people and they've sung a couple of hymns. Harry and Ron are probably wondering where I am but know they can't leave as that would raise questions.
Now I believe I'm ready. I'm not doing this for selfish reasons I hope. I'm doing this because my life now has no purpose and I have nothing to live for except a destiny I don't want to follow. Harry and Ron have each other, they'll be fine, I know they will. They're exceedingly strong, brave and clever, the both of them together. My Dad, I hardly ever see him anymore and I don't think he'll miss me, he doesn't exactly make an effort to see me now that Mum is dead. I think I remind him too much of her.
I place five of the pills in my mouth and take a gulp of water. I feel the cold rush down my throat as it takes the pills along with it. I'm half way there, to be honest I'm surprised I even got that far. Then the next five, down they go in exactly the same manner as if nothing could be more normal.
I lay down and placed my head gently against the pillow so smoothly it's as if I was made of glass. Looking up at the canopy, I briefly think of Draco and everything that had occurred between us in that one singular night. How it had been the best night of my entire life. I was able to be who I truly am, show the real me with none of the usual restrictions and I didn't have to create a charade for him. Nothing will ever be able to replace it and nothing will be able to replace him that is the main thing. He was my everything and I realised it too late, which is something I will regret for eternity. Slowly I feel my eyes close, my heavy lids shut out the last glimpse of sunlight and I let darkness overcome me.
'There's no chance for us
It's all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us
Who wants to live forever, who wants to live forever?
Who dares to love forever?
When love must die
But touch my tears with your lips
Touch my world with your fingertips
And we can have forever
And we can love forever
Forever is our today.'