Angels Would Fall
Disclaimer: The Brokeback characters and popular songs aren't mine; this is a not-for profit work. ("Clyde", "Howard" and "Elise" are mine though)
Summary: AU The relationship once broken is restored as Ennis frees his heart and homesteads with Jack. Ennis then finds that being a real man is harder than advertised.
Warning: Mature Themes, Sexual situations and Hybrid Canon (book/movie)!
Dedication: To those who aren't afraid to allow themselves to be happy no matter how hard it is. And for all men, regardless of their orientation.
Chapter 1: I Drove All Night
Y'know, it's real hard just to sit down and admit things like this to a group of strangers but if you all out there hear this story and take somethin good from it I'll be satisfied. I'm sure Rodeo would be happy too. Where do I start? Well, most of you know the beginning of this...thing...I had with Twist up on Brokeback. Most of you know that I'm divorced and have two girls also. Guess you' s all been chomping at the bit about wantin to know when I got in too deep with that guy. Lookin back, he got in real deep with me harder than I gave him credit for. Yeah, I know you's thinkin "That's bullshit del Mar you loved him as much or even harder." That's true. But y'know what? I see you fellas today in your special saloons and your parades and yes even your hospices banding together all normal like and you all seem to forget that when I lived my everything was illegal and a dirty little secret to boot. I lived in a time when bein' different than everyone else was an offense to all upstandin citzens. Like me. Hmm, was the normal folks always this thorny? Hell, God's honest truth be told, I really didn't care what those idiots did with me but I was scared shitless that those fuckers were gonna kill Jack. That's the major reason I pushed Jack away on that one day. Oh, and the right mighty freak out of having my girls near the man I'm having...relations...with. That's beside the point though.
After that right painful scene (which still leaves a bad taste in my mouth to this day) I took the girls back to their momma and I sat in my house and did some heavy thinking. No, not with the whiskey flask. I was thinkin that if I did have that ranch with Rodeo I'd be happy as all fuck then something would happen then I wouldn't be that happy ever again. That too was one of them reasons I refused to court Jack, if not THE reason. I sat there alone watchin the Tonight Show on my lil' TV with the many 'gitimate reasons not to be with Jack floatin in my head. During the pause in the blackness between commercials I heard his laugh and plain as day, those reasons were washed away like a flash flood. I got up and decided to tell him "Sure, I'll give it a shot." I was going to send it in a letter. Lemme tell you somethin here. When a man's heart becomes light and free his natural instincts become amplified. All the good cowboys and ranchers know it and mine got real sharp. I had to see Jack. I had to see Jack now. I went to bed. I got up two minutes later packed a small bag and some money and took off in my truck cause I HAD TO GET TO JACK NOW!That night I went after my own heart. I wanted to live. Maybe there'll be pain later but...y'know somethin? I think I'd rather show then tell this part. Many things changed for me that week. Rightfully, I don't know how I got through it. Maybe I didn't get through it. Maybe I'm living through it now. That's a moment of rare honesty.
The sound of tires on dirt going through a breakneck speed with a beat up truck was heard through the night. To say that Ennis del Mar was driving like a bat out of hell would be like saying Siberia was only a tiny bit cold. Jack Twist sat beside him, looking rather uncomfortable.
It was cold, dark and Ennis was driving to god knows where.
"What's all this about?" Jack asked a little shell shocked seeing Ennis so soon after their fallout. Ennis really didn't know what to say. Actually he did but it would be an even colder day before he'd say the words out loud. Crying shame since he didn't even remotely hate Jack.
"Putting to rights our situation."
"I thought we were through."
"Yeah, so did I. Never did say it to your face though."
"So why am I here?" Jack asked very cautiously.
"Regardless of how I feel about my own shithole of a life I never like seeing people close to me hurt. We need to do something about this...this whatever." Ennis growled.
"I'll carry on without you, del Mar. It'll be a lonely road but I'm willin to ride on it."Jack replied coldly. The tone almost made Ennis flinch.
"Not to mention whoever else you meet up with." Ennis grunted. Now he didn't mean to say that! No sense in meeting up with Jack just to start a fight. Those surely would have been fighting words but Jack seemed to have control of himself.
"Hell, yes. You know what I wanted but since you're not the givin type I'll find someone else. I don't belong to you. You made that clear enough." Jack replied coolly. Ennis actually nodded at Jack's words.
"So you done gone and quit me?" Ennis asked. His hands were severely clenching the steering wheel when he looked over to Jack's deer caught in headlights expression. Caught you good Jack Twist!
"If...you don't...if I don't...if we...shit." Jack then noticed the dark highway and sighed. "Ennis where are we heading?" Jack asked.
"I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! Okay? Happy! I'm like a fucking dog chasing his tail wantin to bite it round and round and round. I can't get by on couple of high altitude fucks a year either! If you're looking for relationship material here boy there's nothing but damaged freight! First you then Alma and you again always wanting shit that's not there! I'm a dry riverbed, all that I got you both have already, and I'm SORRY if it's not enough but I did my best! I did, by damn! I hate myself for causing allus you's pain and sufferin. The sweetness, the light, all of it ain't associatin with the name Ennis del Mar. I can yell at my fucking dad and brother and even goddamn Earl and Rich all to high heaven for makin me feel like this but it don't change nothin so Mr. I'll-Carry-On-By you tell me where we're heading cause I sure as hell DON'T KNOW!" Ennis howled for a good half mile his rough face contorted with a shame and rage that had been a long time coming. Since he was born, seems like.
"Where are we heading off to on the road, Ennis?" Jack clarified mildly. Ennis looked like he wanted to vomit now. The flesh of hands was cutting into the steering wheel. Jack seem to have a look of pure horror on his face with the revelation of how Ennis was feeling about everything and not just the affair they were sharing.
"Guess we'll go someplace and rest. Damn, we made it to Oklahoma. I'll pull off somewhere like a travelers..."Ennis was muttering.
"Why am I here?" Jack interrupted. All that was heard was the sound of tires on the highway. Again. "Why am I here Ennis?" All that could be seen were the narrow vision of the headlights and the inane mile markers. In a single moment the yellow and white lines of the highway seemed to be Ennis' own pulse. The blood flow upon the gravel and asphalt.
"I thought you needed me."
"Always. That's a given."But do you need me? Was the loaded question Jack never vocalized though the answer was painfully, even brutally obvious.This particular page in their torrid saga began when he saw Jack walking on the side of the road cause his truck was busted. They saw each other and Jack jumped in Ennis' truck without question or even a hello. Jack figured it was just about time he would abandon that old thing. Maybe even his truck on the side of the road in Texas too. There was the Lawton city limits sign.
"Lawton." Ennis muttered as if it were a dirty word.
"Yeah, what about...hey, we ran it to Lawton and you just now realize we're in Oklahoma?" Jack said with a start. Considering they passed a good deal amount of towns from Childress to Lawton without noticing and why were they going in THAT direction nowhere towards Riverton, Wyoming?
"Uh..er, I wanted to run away with you?" Ennis declared lamely. Seemed better than saying he was so distraught that he became a part time nomad/abductor.
"Hmph, likely story. I can give you everything you need, anything you want. You just don't wanna take it." This now officially broke the record on the length of time the two of them spent on a conversation centering around "them" and their feelings and well someone needed to show some bravery in this farce called living and if it wasn't going to be Ennis then so be it. "I call you my friend, but that seems to fly in the face of how I been treatin you all these years. Ennis, I been lying to you and I'm powerful sorry. I can't call you my friend."
"How so?" Ennis asked a little anxious. Come on truck stops, inns, hay lined mangers where are you all?
"I'm a queer. And I think I have been before I met you I just didn't realize it up until that summer. If it means people stoning me in the streets or shunning me or even me being in the slammer then I'll put up with it on my own. No sense getting you involved with my problems." More silence. Ennis finally found a roadside inn with vacancies. He pulled into the place and saw it was still open.
"Wait here." Ennis said. Jack thought Ennis would be within his rights just to strand him in some lonely town. Ennis wrenched the palms of his hands from the steering wheel and sure enough they were red, raw and hurting. Just like the rest of him.
Another rundown motel, another session of cowboy riding for Ennis. The tastes, smells and touches were all familiar but the mood, the tone was almost completely morose and bereft of joy. When the coupling was over and the sheets were all sticky with sweat and seed Ennis got out an metal flask of whiskey he previously kept hidden. After giving himself a shot he handed the flask to Jack who pulled one of his own. The simple sound of their breathing could be heard along with Jack lighting a cigarette.
"You are my friend. Maybe our life's not filled with fishing trips, poker games and nights at the bar but if we did those things I'd tell people that this Jack Fucking Twist is my boon compadre and life long pal, just like the other fellas do with their friends." Ennis spoke without preamble.
"So where's that leave me? Keep me hanging on as the song goes?" Jack asked. He always had to push for more but honestly he wanted to get to the heart of the problem. Ennis paused, took a drag from Jack's cigarette briefly and gave it back to him.
"What can I say? I done treat you wrong. All of it. The distance, the lost time, the lonely days, the runnin away from you yellow. This ain't how I been wantin to treat people that are in my life. It ain't who I am." The empty years between their stolen moments echoed loudly.
"Who are you then?" Jack asked almost dismissive.
"Your own."
Jack fell out of the bed.
"You okay, rodeo?"
"Bullshit." He whispered venomously.
"No foolin. If you're not sick of me then I was hoping to ride off with you." Ennis said.
"Wh-wh-why now of..."
"Yes or no, bud." Ennis asked softly.
"Yes, you asshole! Yes million times over from before I busted out of my poor mama's belly now answer the question." Jack said scrambling on the twisted, smelly linen, his cigarette now in the ashtray.
"Those things you said you'd face. Stones, scorn and jailin. If those things happened to you I need to be there right with you if it happens. And I just stated I don't treat people I love like pieces of shit. You're my truest friend and Christ...' Ennis rubbed his hand over his face. '...no more lies, I just wanna to take care of you like I should have been doing all this time since our Brokeback days, alright? It should of started that day when I grabbed you from behind cause I was real happy we were...what we were."
"I remember that day."
"Trust me?" Ennis asked. Jack had every right not to want to be with him but in Jack's case how could he not trust him? Not even counting the fact he was in a distant town from home...nope sorry, right now was home.
"I won't say I'm not sore at you right now, but I'll do my best to make you happy. Strip away all the old paint and primer and that's all I ever really wanted to do, at least try I reckon." Jack said. Right now he felt like a tea kettle ready to let off steam. Sexual steam, angry steam, or happy steam was yet to be seen. In the dark with the street lights coming through the cracks of the drawn curtains Jack saw Ennis nodding firmly.
"I got a load of child support and other expenses like, and I think I mighta chucked my job just so I can put up my last stand with you. I wasn't just giving you excuses that one time." Ennis said slowly.
"Need help, friend?" Jack asked. The first test of a fragile relationship.
"Yes, and lots of it." Ennis said quietly. He knew if he couldn't shelve his pride with this man he put before all others it really wouldn't work out.
"Suspect we got cut from the same cloth. People think we're stupid and good for nothing and as of late deviant."
"Yeah."
"Those folks are full of shit."
They both gave a chuckle. Jack turned over and declared he was going to bed. Ennis gave him a fierce kiss then settled in. All Ennis could think about was tire irons, brimstone and spewing hatred. The absolute feud that was going on between him and Alma. The dead end that his life was at now. The sheer carnage of a dead body lying in a ditch.
Minutes later daybreak occurred along with the songs of what sounded like a thousand birds.
You rascals singing for me and my little darling here? That's kind of you.