Chapter 21:
Saffron sleepily rubbed her eyes as she entered the kitchen. The other women in the house had all been up for a while but Saffron had never been good at waking in the morning. She was dressed in black trousers and a navy t-shirt and she was excited for her first proper shift at the Magic box. They had taken so much time making it all nice and she was glad to actually start work. Her excitement was mixed with confusion though, her dreams had kept waking her up as she had been dreaming about falling into the darkness, the way she had when she met the priestess. The number three had circled her mind throughout her sleep, this time, Dawn who had been glowing green, was in her dream telling her that three was an important number.
She had also been thinking of Spike, he had calmed down when she had confirmed, again, that the hug with Graham had been to say goodbye after everything. She had tried to tell him to stop being so jealous, but deep down she knew he couldn't help his insecurities. She didn't stay annoyed at him, she just made sure to show him that she cared, reassuring him with soft touches and kisses when they met in his crypt that evening. She just wished he could trust her.
"Saffron?" Joyce questioned, she hadn't been listening to the conversation, just cutting her omelette into tiny pieces as she thought about Spike and the mysterious number three. She looked up from her plate and out of her own head when she heard her name.
"Sorry, J. What was that?" Saffron asked, yawning, to prove that she was just sleepy not ignoring anyone. The other women were used to this, she wasn't often up this early out of choice. Joyce repeated her question and asked if she was excited for the store opening, which Saffron enthusiastically nodded her head. She looked at her auntie with slight concern though, she was still worried about her condition. She looked at the women around the table, her family. There was a pause and Saffron decided to tell them all then and there. She said it quickly, like she was ripping off a plaster. She had to tell them, it was now or never.
"I'm uh, I'm dropping out of college" Saffron shrugged. She put a forkful of omelette in her mouth and stared at her plate as Buffy and Joyce started to verbalise their shock and worry about her. "Really not a big deal, I want to stay here. Work at the shop until I find something else. Xander's doing okay and he never even went"
"But you loved it there, honey" Joyce frowned in concern.
"And now I don't love it. I was never good at the reading for a class thing" She shrugged and took her plate to the sink and cleaned it up. She took care doing it, tuning out everything she could feel from the others. She had noticed her abilities were getting easier to control, she could turn the feelings up or down, sort of like a dial for everyone else's emotions. Buffy frowned but stood up to leave with Dawn. Saffron said she would stay back and help Joyce get set up on the sofa in the living room so she could take it easy. Her auntie had been watching her while she set up everything and grabbed the remote for her.
"Honey, why have you dropped out?"
"I already said-" She tried to repeat her earlier excuse but Joyce gave her a look. A look that saw into her soul better than any demon could. Saffron thought about it properly for a minute before revealing, "I don't feel like I have a future, J. All this prophecy research with Giles… If I don't live up to it, I have no future anywa-" Saffron started sobbing and slowly sat next to Joyce on the end of the couch. She hadn't realised that the dreams and the prophecy research had affected her so much. Joyce held her niece and stroked her hair. Saff knew she shouldn't have told Joyce, she didn't need any more stress in her condition. Joyce tried to convince her to keep going to college anyway, despite her worries but Saff just shook her head. She was stubborn and she had already made up her mind. Plus, she wanted to keep an eye on Joyce after what happened the other week, but she would never reveal that to Joyce. She didn't want her feeling responsible. Saff and Joyce discussed how things were going and how far they had gotten in deciphering what her big destiny was. They sat together for a while, Joyce still comforting the girl she saw as her middle child.
"Auntie J…" She looked up, her cheeks still stained with tears, she was determined to be honest with her auntie, "you remember I mentioned a man?"
"The one that makes you smile?" Joyce asked and Saffron just nodded, was she going to do this? She took a deep breath, and continued.
"It's Spike" She pulled a face as if she was worried what her response would be.
"The vampire Spike?" Joyce questioned slowly, she was deep in thought at the news. Saff nodded again, she could feel that Joyce was considering the news and seemed worried. "My girls really don't have a great taste in men" She laughed and Saff smiled. "And you're definitely happy, honey?"
"The happiest. Please don't tell Buffy, she's already tried to stake him when she heard the first time" Saffron shook her head, unsure what to do now. Joyce looked confused at her word choice and ended up explaining the whole story. Joyce smiled and agreed to keep it from Buffy for the time being but warned that she would have to tell Buffy again soon if she really felt for him. She eventually got up to leave and Joyce told her before she left, "Be careful, Saff"
xoxoxo
Saffron arrived at the Magic Box just as the customers were starting to rush in. She had wanted to set up her Tarot table and start with some readings, but there was so many customers in she was needed behind the counter. She started to wrap a gift for a customer, which Anya quickly took off her and started an elaborate way of wrapping and added ribbon to the top. Saffron rolled her eyes, if she had been alive for millions of years, she'd get the hang of wrapping presentably. She had gotten requests all morning for readings, but she couldn't leave the shop floor and promised people that she would set up in the afternoon if there was less of a rush. She was enjoying the busy store, it was so much more interesting than working in the book store and she liked chatting to the customers. It felt like acting, and today she was herself but more enthusiastic and happier to help. Not an eye roll in sight, in front of the customers anyway.
She didn't realise that Spike had sneaked in the back way to come and watch her working. He smiled when he saw her face, she seemed to be enjoying the buzz of the busy shop. He watched her wrapping and showing customers around the store. He loved the way she seemed to be dancing around the store, her smile was bright and her high ponytail flicked around with the speed she as rushing around. It made him think of something Graham had said. She belongs in the light he thought to himself, he wished he could give her more than he did. He watched her through the morning and left to sleep in his crypt that was finally Harmony free. Meanwhile, Saff was still oblivious to Spike's presence. Willow had been filling her in about the strange Orb that Buffy had found while she was on patrol between customers. She tried to seem interested in the orb, but she was more interested in what her and Joyce had spoken about that morning. She liked work because it distracted her. She waited patiently to hear about the orb before she explained to willow that she was dropping out of college and received a reaction she hadn't been expecting.
"Saffy! You can't! You promised you were doing drama now that Buffy dropped it!" She complained.
"Look, babe, I need a break from the education station, it was bringing me down! I want to focus on fun things, like-"
"Excuse me, where can I find the bats wing?" A customer tapped Saffron on the shoulder and she grimaced at the idea of killing a bat for its wings but remembered there were some in a jar in the corner. She turned to face the customer with a wide, constructed smile on her face, and asked her to follow her. She could still feel the sadness and uncertainty for the future in the back of her mind but as she was weaving in and out of the customers, her ability to read emotions helped her deal with each customer perfectly and kept her mind off other things. Giles had been impressed with the way she was working.
The phone rang again, for what felt like the thousandth time that day and Giles picked up, stating that it was the Magic Box and that he would be happy to help. He listened for a few minutes and went to grab Saffron's attention, it was for her. Saffron looked confused, most of the people she talked to were in the store. Shit, Joyce. Saffron thought the worst, worried that her auntie was back in the hospital and rushed to grab the phone from Giles who watched her, amused at her manner.
"Saff?" The voice asked. She recognised that voice.
"Hail! How was Arizona?" She greeted her old roommate from the year before. After everything that had been going on, she had almost forgotten about her, but she was so pleased to hear from her. She really did like her.
"Oh, change of plan. I stayed in Sunnydale this summer" She breezed back in the way she always did.
"You should have said, we could have met up!" Saffron gushed, she could have done with talking it all through with Hayley like they used to before summer.
"Why don't we meet tonight? Near the Fishtank on the far side of town?" Hayley asked and Saffron pulled a face, she didn't really like the bar but she knew that Hayley probably knew a friend who could get them discount drinks or something. She didn't want to be rude about the place.
"Is that place still standing? Sure, is 8p.m okay?"
"Make it 9p.m, I'll see you then" The phone clicked off and Saffron smiled and put the phone back. Giles reminded her that she was at work and shouldn't really be accepting social calls, and she mock saluted and rushed into the crowd that had seemed to have multiplied since she had turned her back to talk to Hayley.
xoxoxo
The afternoon was still busy in the store but Saffron got permission from her new boss to set up some readings. She was excited, she felt professional, maybe tarot could be a full-time career, she wondered to herself. If she managed to live that long, of course. She was shuffling her cards in between appointments and decided to do a reading for herself. She picked a card at random. The moon. She closed her eyes and let the voice take over. This represents a time of uncertainty and illusion, when nothing is what it seems. Warnings connect like stars and things will be clearer before dawn breaks. She repeated the words over to try and understand them clearer. She would keep them in mind. She got up from her seat and walked over to Giles. Things had calmed down a little as it was nearing the end of the day and Anya was excitedly talking about all the money she was going to get now she was working there. Saffron smiled at the ex-demon, she must have listened to her about getting a job. Anya bobbed her head as she re-counted to the money in the till. Saffron asked Giles if she was okay to leave early, like they had discussed earlier. She needed time to get ready and walk over to the other side of town to get to where she was meeting Hayley. Giles had been impressed with her customer service, if he was honest he had had his reservations about Saffron's attitude at times. He let her go and told her he expected her bright and early the next morning, and Saffron agreed and winked at Anya who had stated bluntly that Saffron was rarely on time and she never woke up early. Anya didn't understand the wink but smiled anyway, she liked feeling like she was part of the group and Saff was one of the only people that made her feel included. Saffron grabbed her bag from behind the counter and rushed home where she was going to spend a few hours before she went to meet Hayley.
At the same time as Saffron's reading, Buffy was doing a spell. This spell revealed that Dawn wasn't who she said she was. All the pictures of the four women they had hanging around the house when they were younger were revealing only Saffron, Buffy and Joyce and removing the youngest Summers. Buffy was confused and scared of what Dawn was doing in her home. She contacted Giles, hoping Saffron was there so she could bring her to interrogate Dawn properly. She was handy when they were detecting deception. Giles explained Saffron was out, not realising she was returning home first, so Buffy left to go back to find out about Dawn. She rushed out of the door to find Spike hanging around and smoking near a tree. He knew Saffron was coming home for a bit and wanted to see if he could see her before she went out. He had tried to hide but Buffy pulled him into view. She punched him successively until he hit the tree behind him.
"What are you doing? 5 words or less" Buffy put her hands on her hips and waited impatiently.
"Out for a walk… bitch" He said quickly. Buffy crossed her arms and rolled her eyes at the vampire she was mad at.
"Leave her alone, Spike" Buffy warned, "You're a pig" She added and punched him for good measure. He explained that he was only passing through and was going to be on his way. She let him go this time, she had too much on her mind. When she saw a pile of cigarette ends on the floor she scowled, promising herself to threaten him later on. Buffy ran off into the night, hoping to find answers about who Dawn really was.
xoxoxo
Saffron had dressed up to meet Hayley, she knew that Hayley always made an effort when she went out. She had decided to wear a dark red, strapless velvet dress and paired it with some fishnet tights. Her makeup was softer than usual, but she had taken a while on it. She had all her usual silver jewelry on, including the bracelet that Hayley had bought her for her birthday last year. She felt like she hadn't seen her for a long time, and she was excited to hear about her summer. She'd probably stayed in Sunnydale because she'd fallen in love. Hayley used to fall in love every week when they shared a dorm. It had been horrible when the man of the week had broken her heart, she'd be sobbing until she caught the eye of the next guy and Saffron had usually sobbed along with her because of how much she had been surrounded by her emotions when they lived together. She checked her watch; she was a few minutes early. Hayley always had this eerie talent of getting everywhere exactly on time, so she waited patiently. She tapped her hands on her legs, usually she would have a smoke while she waited but she was still trying to quit. 9pm on the dot Hayley came into view and Saffron smiled and walked over to hug her. Hayley was wearing a tiny pink crop top that barely covered her chest and pink vinyl leather trousers which she had never seen her wear before. No wonder she felt so cold.
"Hayley! I'm so glad you called, I've really missed you"
"Have you?"
"Course, babe! You're like a sister, you were my rock last year. A very pink, bubbly rock" She beamed and noticed that although Hayley had smiled, it didn't reach her eyes. Saffron looked at her again, her naturally tan skin was a lot paler as if she hadn't seen the sun at all that summer. Her eyes that were a deep brown usually, had a strange amber hue running through them. Hayley's nails were longer than Saffron's and they had been painted baby pink. Saffron complimented them and asked if she had gone to get acrylics done as Hayley had never been able to grow her nails. They were usually bitten below the skin on her fingers. Hayley just shook her head and seemed to be looking below Saffron's ear intently. Saffron smiled widely and asked if she liked her new earrings, they were large silver hoops shaped like big stars and she moved the hoop around to show her the shape. Hayley didn't move her eyes from the spot slightly below her earring and Saffron felt a cold shiver. She knew something was wrong then and he stepped back a pace, but Hayley quickly matched her and stepped forwards in a pink vinyl stiletto heel.
"Took you long enough" Hayley laughed cruelly. She used a long, sharp fingernail to place a strand of Saff's loose hair behind her ear. Saffron shivered but made herself look at Hayley's face. She changed in front of her, Hayley's pretty face had shifted. Long fangs had grown in her mouth and her forehead had harsh ridges that changed her expression completely. Her eyes were now completely amber and you could barely see her freckles that had once peppered almost her whole face. She looked menacing and Saffron was paralysed with fear as Hayley stared intently at the same spot. "Nice of you to mention the demons of the night, babe"
"Hayley, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry" her eyes filled with tears and she cursed herself for showing her emotion. Her friend was dead and the demon had taken her over. She tried to get through to the Hayley she knew but this woman before her only wanted one thing from her. And it wasn't her apologies.
"Met an old friend of yours, actually. I thought she wanted to be my friend. She seemed sweet and we hit it off. She showed me the real side of Sunnydale, the one you neglected to mention"
"Would you have ever believed me, Hail?" She tried to appeal to her by using the nickname she used to call her. Hayley thought for a minute and shrugged, that didn't matter now. She seemed to blame Saffron for what had happened to her, and Saffron did feel responsible "Wait, which friend?"
"Harmony. She says you're the slayer's kin"
"You know, just because you're evil now doesn't mean you have to use words like kin. I'm not sure what Harmony told you bu-" Saffron was cut off as Hayley grabbed a fistful of her hair and dragged her to the ground. Saffron didn't know what to do, she was still mourning the loss of her friend and now what? She had to be eaten by her too?
Saffron grabbed Hayley's legs from where she was stood over her and pulled them from under her. Hayley hadn't been expecting it and toppled over. Saffron got up to run back through the streets and try and find somewhere familiar to hide, she fumbled with her purse that was banging against her side as she sprinted. Hayley was too quick and had grabbed her and threw her against the brick wall of the alley Saffron had started to run through. Saffron wiped sweat and tears from her face as she stared at Hayley and one arm was behind her back, being scraped against the rough brick. Hayley's arm was across Saffron's neck almost choking her as she smiled widely, showing her pearly white fangs. Saffron closed her eyes, knowing what was coming. She didn't want to have to see it happening. Hayley moved her arm out of the way so she could access her neck and just as quickly Saffron moved her arm from behind her back and, with the stake she had grabbed from her black purse while she was running, plunged it with force into Hayley's heart. When Saff opened her eyes, dust was still in the air around her and she dropped to her knees, pain evident on her face as she collapsed into a fit of tears.
Since the night with Hayley, she had barely left the house. She had forgotten to wash her hair until one of the Summers women had reminded her. She had sat on the floor of the shower for what felt like hours, not able to move with the weight of the guilt that was pressing down on her. She could vaguely feel everyone's concern when they came to the basement to see her, but she was so numb that she managed to block everything out.
She had been replaying the scene over in her head since it had happened. Saffron had stayed in that alley most of the night, unable to move. Unable to look away from the pile of dust on the floor. Spike had found her accidentally; she didn't look at him when he helped her to her feet. Spike was concerned, he didn't know what to do. He had never seen her like this, her usual sparkle in her eyes had gone and her face was stained with tears. She wouldn't speak and she just stared into the distance. She was ice cold and Spike shrugged off his duster to wrap around her as he supported her frame through the streets. She could barely put one step in front of the other but Spike steered her in the right direction. He spoke to her about anything he could think of, trying to comfort her or distract her. He was desperate to know what was wrong, but he never pressed her to speak.
Spike had taken a deep, unneeded breath as he knocked on the front door. Buffy opened it and looked between Spike and Saffron with scrutiny before noticing Saffron's face. She brought her inside and took Spike's coat off her, throwing it at him and slamming the door in his face. Buffy had asked a lot of questions and Saffron didn't know how to answer. It was as if using her voice too much would have made her collapse with the effort.
"Saff, I need to know. What happened?" Buffy pressed.
"Hayley" Saffron had repeated, sounding like a broken record as she tried to gather her thoughts and string a sentence together. "Staked her" She choked out eventually, running her hands through her hair and sobbing again.
Dawn had made her breakfast one morning. It was pancakes and fresh orange juice. Saffron barely touched it, but she made sure to smile at the young girl who had been really trying. There was a rose on the side, she knew Buffy would have told her not to leave any flowers but Dawn liked to add things like that. Dawn had sat on the end of her bed and told her all about the pet cat that they had to have put down when she was 8, trying to show her cousin that she understood. Saffron appreciated that the girl was trying and gave her a hug.
Saffron was speaking more, but she was never quite in the room. The guilt had consumed her, she felt like she had killed her. She had been sitting in the magic box, staring at a wall. She could hear the way Hayley had turned to dust. It had a very specific sound that she had never noticed when Buffy had dusted vampires before. Willow and Tara had sat in front of her and jointly handed her a little bag of herbs and told her to put it under her pillow. She nodded and thanked them but continued to stare through them. Xander had been telling her jokes ever since he had arrived, he didn't know how to comfort her and had decided humour was the best way to go.
In England there's a phrase, 'making a mountain out of a molehill'. My parents always used to tell me I was so dramatic. That's what everyone must think about how I've been the past few weeks. It's where you make a big fucking deal out of something small. Buffy slays vampires everyday and she didn't think twice about sending Angel to hell. But when I looked at Hayley, it was her. Her fucking obsession with pink and the same flowery perfume she always wore. Some days I wish she had got me before I got the stake. Saffron wrote it, in a rare moment she could haul herself out of bed, knowing everyone had been very understanding. She was mostly convincing herself to move on.
It had taken a while, but Saffron was mostly back to normal around the others now, and the only person she revealed her continued grief and guilt to was Spike. He struggled to relate to what she was saying, but he was always there when she needed him. He hated finding her like that and he tried his best to give her what she needed.