Stained Soul

Thane sat with Kolyat in Life Support on the Normandy. Shepard urged them to return to the ship so they might speak in private. Thane felt torn but only marginally. He'd wanted to return the favor, help her and Garrus in locating his target, but Thane needed the time with Kolyat, and Kolyat seemed willing. How could he refuse? Even if parading his son through a Cerberus vessel hardly seemed like the wisest of choices.

Shepard had mentioned asking Tali to replace him, but Garrus declined, insisting the quarian wouldn't understand and requested Jack instead. Thane was certain the decision revealed something valuable about the nature of Garrus' quest, as well as the turian's mindset, but it wasn't the time to consider those things too closely.

Kolyat looked around the room, his gaze catching on Thane's weapons before moving on. Thane watched, in awe of the man sitting across from him. He'd grown into a handsome man, tall and broad-shouldered, with bright, beautifully colored, vibrant scales. He looked healthy, well taken care of. Finally, Kolyat looked at Thane, gaze sweeping over him.

Thane shifted under the scrutiny and cleared his throat. "You must have questions."

Kolyat glanced around the room again, gaze flicking towards the door as if he checked his escape route. "If you are dying, what are you doing with these people?"

"Shepard found me, asked for my help on her mission." It wasn't where Thane expected to start, but it was a valid question. "She's—the collectors have been attacking human colonies in the Terminus, abducting the residents. She's putting together a team to put a stop to these attacks."

Kolyat turned his attention back to Thane, narrowing his eyes. The black markings swooping down over his cheeks pulled in, dancing over his face as he clenched and released his jaw. "Why you? You're sick, you should be in a hospital, not pretending to be a hero."

Thane winced, undoubtedly the exact response Kolyat hoped to elicit. "I'm not yet so ill that I can't still be of service. This is a good cause. Shepard is an honorable woman."

Kolyat watched Thane, expression inscrutable, letting the silence linger for several long seconds. Finally, he asked, "Is it Kepral's Syndrome?"

"Yes." Thane folded his hands on top of the table, fighting to keep himself centered.

Kolyat let out a soft hum. With the high prevalence rate of Kepral's among drell, it must not have come as much of a surprise for him. Thane wouldn't even be the first in his family to fall victim to the disease. Kolyat's grandmother—Irikah's mother, Rashata—also died from Kepral's Syndrome. Only an infant when Rashata went to the sea, it was likely Kolyat's memories of her consisted of sensory input, no complex thoughts or emotions, nothing to bring him pain or grief.

He shifted in his chair, leaning forward to rest his arms on the table, the leather of his black and blue jacket creaking with the movement. "How far down are you on the transplant lists?"

"I—I'm not on the transplant lists." Thane swallowed, trying to prepare himself for the direction the conversation was taking. He wished Shepard was there, offering him one of her encouraging smiles.

Kolyat narrowed his eyes before closing them completely, shaking his head in denial or dismay, perhaps both. He inhaled, slow and deep before opening his eyes again, voice croaking when he asked, "Why not?"

Thane lowered his gaze. "There are others … more deserving, and I … the disease has advanced enough at this point, I suspect organ transplantation would not sustain me for long. The damage has already spread, I …."

"You're just going to let yourself die?" Tone incredulous, Kolyat hissed. "Not even going to try to fight it?"

Thane took a slow, deep breath, studying the scales on his clasped hands as if they might hold the answer to how to explain such a choice to his son. "I am at peace with the decision."

Kolyat slammed his palms down on the table, startling Thane enough to make his gaze snap back to his son again. White-hot anger flared in his blue eyes, his gaze boring through Thane. "I'm not. You don't—you don't get to just … how could you?" His brow ridges pulled in, lip lifting in a sneer. "How could you just leave me? Ten years! I haven't seen you in ten years, and you show back up to tell me you are responsible for Mother's death and now you plan to just let yourself die, too?" Tears started to well up in his eyes again, and he clenched his jaw, shaking his head. "And with a human woman? What is she to you, Father? Don't tell me she isn't anything more than this ship's captain. I saw the way you looked at her; as if she's the only thing keeping you breathing …" He scoffed, shaking his head again and blinking away his tears. "... but no, not even that, even she won't keep you breathing."

Thane schooled his features, propping his elbows on the table to bring his clasped hands up in front of his face. "Shepard is my friend, Kolyat. She has been kind to me, beyond what I deserve, and she helped me to find you."

Kolyat leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest. He let out a soft, barely audible scoff and shook his head, his gaze trailing away from Thane. "Friend. Right. So then, are all of your new friends going to yell at me, too?"

"I don't think she intended …" Thane opened his hands, waving one of them as he gave Kolyat a light shake of his head. How could he possibly explain anything to Kolyat about Shepard's methodology? Yet it worked, the two of them sat together, talking to each other for the first time in ten years. "… she was trying to help."

Kolyat scoffed, shaking his head, turning his gaze off towards the shelves filled with weapons—evidence of Thane's sinful life. "She called me a petulant brat."

Thane shifted forward, bringing his hands together once more. "Perhaps we can talk about something other than Shepard? I'm sure you have questions about your mother, about your childhood …."

Kolyat's voice sounded colder, distant, when he asked, "It was her idea for you to come find me, wasn't it?"

"She—no, we talked about my life some … and I told her about you and about your mother." A difficult confession for Thane to make in light of Kolyat's accusations, especially given Thane hadn't talked to anyone else about his family in more than ten years. "After, I started questioning my choices and decided to try to call you. Your aunts and uncles said they haven't heard from you in months, so I tracked you down. Learned what you intended to do. I asked Shepard to help me find you on the Citadel."

"You tracked me down?" Kolyat turned his attention back to Thane, brow ridges dipping in again. "Like one of your targets?"

Thane shifted, unused to having to defend his decisions and actions to anyone else. "I used the skills and resources at my disposal, yes." He waved a hand, doing his best to keep his tone level, despite the shock of irritation. "How else would you suggest I go about finding you?"

Huffing, Kolyat shook his head, the corner of his mouth lifting in thinly veiled disgust. "Why did you stop me? What does it matter to you? So what if I killed someone, isn't it exactly what you've done your entire life?"

"I … yes. I was given to the Compact at the age of six and trained as an assassin." Thane shifted uncomfortably, finding it more difficult than he imagined to say those things directly to his son. "It is all I know." He took his elbows off the table, bringing his hands back down to rest flat against the surface. "It was not a choice I made, Kolyat."

Pressing his palms against the table, Kolyat leaned forward, lifting a brow ridge in challenge. "You are not a child or in the Compact anymore, Father."

Thane looked down at his son's hands; good strong hands, they should be used for crafting things, creating beauty, not destroying life. "No. I left the Compact when your mother and I fell in love. I wanted to build a life together with her, and she did not … approve of my profession. I tried to work other jobs, but I had no skills aside from those learned in the Compact. I wasn't able to support a family working such menial jobs." He coughed into his fist, lungs aching as he cleared his throat and blinked, forcing himself to meet Kolyat's gaze. "Your mother and I discussed it, and we agreed that I would return to work as an assassin." He took a slow, deep breath, trying to soothe the flames licking at his insides. "We kept this from you because we didn't want this kind of life for you, Kolyat. Your mother would never want you to take another's life … not like this, not some stranger you were paid to kill."

Kolyat scoffed, letting his hands slide across the table's surface as he leaned back in his chair again. "In what way would she want me to take a life?"

Thane waved his hand. "I only meant … if it were a matter of self-defense, or in defense of another …" He shook his head. "… not that she would want you to. I'm afraid I'm not making myself clear."

Kolyat let out a soft huff and shook his head, disdain painting itself across his features. "It's clear you are a hypocrite."

His words hung in the air, thickening the atmosphere, tightening Thane's chest even more. Thane didn't know what to say. It seemed as if anything he said, any attempt to bridge the space between them, any move forward at all was met with contempt and aggression. What did Kolyat want from him? What did Thane need to say or do to convince Kolyat how desperately he wished he'd been there to protect Irikah, how sincerely he wished he'd been a better father to his son?

Thane swallowed, reaching for the first question to come to his mind that he thought might possibly lead to some sort of resolution. "Why did you accept the contract, Kolyat?"

Kolyat shrugged, defensive walls firmly back in place once more. "It was something to do. Why not?"

Thane softened his voice, disappointment seeping in around the edges, some reflexive response from oh so many years past. "Kolyat …."

Kolyat lowered his gaze, his shoulders slumping a fraction. "What do you want me to say, Father? That I did it to feel closer to you? To understand who you are, what you are? Fine, yes, I did it because of you."

Thane felt as if someone had punched straight through his sternum to wrap their fist around his heart, ripping the organ free from his body only to toss it on the floor. Tears welled up in his eyes, but he blinked them away, forcing himself to remain composed despite the anguish he felt. It would do neither of them good for him to fall apart. Not for the first time, he wished Shepard was there, lending him her strength.

Kolyat let out a heavy sigh and pushed his chair back from the table. He stood, moving over to stand in front of the observation window, arms crossed, back to Thane. After a few moments of silence, his words came slow and soft, barely audible over the hum of the drive core. "I thought … I thought if I was able to make a name for myself doing what you do, if you were still out there somewhere, still alive … you might learn about me. I wanted you to know that I knew. And maybe … maybe if I was good enough, you would finally be proud of me, finally love me."

The tears came then, hot and biting at his eyes before spilling down over his cheeks, stealing his breath and making him gasp for air. He fought back the mournful sob threatening to claw its way free of his throat and pushed himself from his chair, legs feeling weak and useless. He wiped at his face, blinked his eyes, to no avail, the tears just kept coming, nearly blinding him. Still, he made his way to stand next to Kolyat, reaching out to press his palm against his son's face. Kolyat looked at him, and Thane saw that he was crying, too.

"Kolyat, I have always been proud of you, and I have always loved you. I have taken many bad things out of the world. You're the only good thing I ever added to it." Thane took a deep shuddering breath, letting his hand drop when Kolyat turned his face away. "I regret not being able to be the father you needed, the husband Irikah needed—I didn't know how to be. I would change that now if I could, but the past cannot be undone."

"Did you even try?" Kolyat asked, his voice barely a whisper.

Thane stared at Kolyat, lips parted, the words there on the tip of his tongue yet struggling to move past his lips. Finally, he found his voice. "I did, but not as hard as I should have … I can admit this now. And eventually, when I realized I was a failure, I retreated." Thane hung his head, tears dripping to the floor. "I am ashamed."

"So what happens now?"

Confused, Thane wiped at his face, looking back up at his son and shaking his head. "What do you mean?"

"You found me, stopped me from killing Talid." Kolyat turned to face him, scrubbing his hands over his face and letting out a heavy sigh. "You said what you needed to say. After I leave this ship, what happens? You're dying and you're going off with Shepard to save humans. What about me?"

"I …" Thane shifted, glancing down at his feet. " … I would like to keep in contact with you." He met Kolyat's gaze again, silently pleading with him to understand and agree. "I admit this mission isn't without its dangers, and I don't know for certain how long it will take, but when we are through, if we are victorious … and if you will permit, I would like to spend what time I have left with you."

Kolyat swallowed, his throat bobbing up and down as he turned his gaze back out at the drive core. The silence seemed to stretch endlessly before he finally said, "You can't go back to Kahje, it's too wet, it will only make you sicker."

Thane let out a huff of breath, holding his empty palms out to his son. "If it means spending time with you, I will gladly go to Kahje."

Kolyat shook his head, refusing to look at Thane. "If it means you'll die sooner, I won't go to Kahje." He hesitated, lips parted, before lowering his gaze to Engineering down below. "I'll … I'll stay on the Citadel."

Thane took a shuddering breath, relief and joy sweeping through him, filling him with a renewed calm and warmth. He took the statement as Kolyat's agreement to allow him back into his son's life. He wiped at his face once more. "If you prefer. I will go wherever you go, it doesn't matter where to me." He smiled, his entire body feeling lighter than it had in years. "Although, your aunts and uncles are worried about you."

"I'll call them later." Kolyat turned to look at Thane, lips pressed into a thin line. "You still won't apply for the transplant lists?"

"Kolyat, I …" How could Thane possibly tell him no? He knew it would prove to be a pointless endeavor, but if it satisfied Kolyat, he would try. "I will look into it. There are doctors here aboard the Normandy. I'm sure they can perform whatever necessary exams and contact the appropriate people."

"You will?" Kolyat raised a brow ridge, head tilting to the side almost as if he didn't believe Thane spoke the truth.

"I will." Thane dipped his head. "If this is what you ask of me, I will try to be placed on the transplant lists."

Kolyat's lip quivered as he sucked in a deep breath and nodded. "It's what I ask of you."

"Very well." Thane nodded, cementing the plan in his mind. He smiled, the last of his tears drying on his cheeks. "Thank you, Kolyat, for giving me this opportunity."

They watched the fluctuations of mass effect energy dancing around the drive core for a few moments in silence.

"Tell me about Mother, about those responsible." Kolyat's words came soft, empty of emotion once more.

Thane lowered his gaze to the floor, tucking his hands behind his back. He'd hoped Kolyat would be content to know what little he already shared about those responsible, but the request didn't surprise him. "I was sent to kill the leaders of a batarian slaver ring. They were preying on the hanar outer colonies. It was believed with the leaders dead, the other members of the slaver ring would disband, it was to be the end of things." He let silence fill the air between them for a few moments, lifting his gaze back out over the drive core. "Instead, they paid the Shadow Broker to find out who I was." Turning towards Kolyat, he searched his son's face. "But you see, making a name for oneself in this profession is not a good thing … they were afraid of me, so they went after my family instead. Waited until I was too far from home to stop them. They hired a hitman, a human named Stiv Kay. I don't … I don't know what her final moments were like, but I can imagine."

Kolyat closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, he tilted his head up, eyes moving rapidly behind his ocular scales. "'Kolyat! Kolyat, come quick.' Mother reaches out to me, fear twists her face, tightens her voice. It makes my heart race."

"Kolyat, no …." Thane reached out, putting his hand on Kolyat's shoulder, shaking him a little in an attempt to rouse him from the memory.

Kolyat grit his teeth, pulling away, stubbornly clinging to the memory. "She crouches before me, hands on my shoulders, looks me in the eye. 'Kolyat, you need to hide. Hurry! Quickly! Don't come out, no matter what you hear!' I don't understand, I'm scared. 'Why, Mother? What's happening? What's wrong?' I cling to her as she pulls me to my feet. 'I don't have time to explain. I'm sorry, Kolyat. I'm sorry. I love you, remember that, no matter what.'"

"Kolyat, please." Thane tried again, reaching for his son. "You don't need to do this."

"She puts me in the closet." Kolyat only brushed Thane's hand away again, forcing himself to relive those dark moments. "'Get in the secret room.' The door locks. I start to cry, try to twist the handle. 'No, Kolyat. You have to stay in there, please.' I can hear the tears in her voice. 'Please. You have to stay in there and be very, very quiet. You cannot make a sound. Get in the secret room.' I let go of the handle, sit on the floor, push myself back into the corner and cover my mouth, fight to control my sobs."

Thane swallowed, relenting to Kolyat's desire. If Kolyat wished for Thane to hear Irikah's last moments so badly he would torture himself with the memory, Thane had no right to refuse. He clasped his hands, bowing his head, letting his heart whisper a silent prayer as his ears listened to the strained, desperate words coming from his son's lips.

"I hear something, someone coming inside the house. I hope it's Father, I'm scared," Kolyat said, and Thane felt another part of him tear away, cast down into the fathomless well of the pain and grief he carried over Irikah's death. "Mother screams and I freeze, my heart slams against my chest. I hear things falling, glass breaking. It can't be Father. I open the door to the secret room, biting my lip so I don't make a sound. Crawl inside and close the door behind me the way Father taught me. I can still hear her screams."

Kolyat stopped talking, and Thane opened his eyes to find Kolyat with his head bowed, tears streaking his face once more. "Her screams went on for so long, I thought they would never stop. When they did, I only wished she'd scream again, because when they stopped, I knew Mother was no more. When the police found me, I'd been in there for countless hours. Terrified to leave, paralyzed by shock. It took them another hour to coax me out." He shifted his weight, lifting his head to look out over the drive core once more, his voice soft and defeated as he asked, "You killed those who did this to her?"

Thane swallowed, struggling to find his voice. "I did."

"You said you hurt them," Kolyat said, turning to look at Thane, "eventually killed them."

"I … yes." Thane lowered his gaze, shame washing through him. "I allowed my anguish to drive me to do things to them that went against my training, I … took my time with them."

"Good."

Surprised, Thane lifted his head to meet Kolyat's gaze once more. Brow ridges dipping low, he shook his head. "No, Kolyat. It is not good. It's not something I am proud of. My skills are tools, meant to be used in my profession, where the responsibility of those acts lies with whoever hired me. The deaths of those men … what I did to them … it's my responsibility. Their blood stains my soul."

Kolyat lifted his chin, defiance flashing through his eyes. "I'm glad you tortured them, I'm glad their deaths were not quick. Hers wasn't."

Thane wanted to argue with Kolyat, make him see reason, understand how terrible of an act it truly was, but he knew doing so would only push Kolyat away. Perhaps there would still be time to change his mind later. Kolyat turned away from the window and made his way back to the table, collapsing into the chair. He looked utterly exhausted.

Thane followed him, sliding into his seat and propping his elbows on the table. He clasped his hands together and then rested them against his lips. After a few moments of silence, Thane asked, "Your aunts and uncles, they have been good to you?"

Kolyat's lips turned up in a weak smile, the first Thane had seen from him. "Yes, Father. They were good to me. They took care of all my needs, and they love me. I never wanted for anything … except for you and Mother."

Thane took a steadying breath. "Tell me about your life with them. I want so much to know more about the man you have become."

Kolyat let out a humorless chuckle and rubbed his hand over his face. "Uncle Rone is … not at all like Mother. He is kind, but he is stringent. Mother was so …"

"Free," Thane said, a smile tugging at his lips as he waved his hand, "wild and brave."

"Yes." Kolyat smiled a little wider, a little … more real than before. "Uncle Drali reminds me of her in that way, but he's not around very often. Aunt Aleha is more stringent than Uncle Rone and less kind. Aunt Kelena is very patient and understanding. I didn't have many friends, and those I did, eventually outgrew me, I suppose." He dropped his gaze to the table, letting his words linger for a moment. "I did well enough in my studies, I went to secondary … but I left after two years. I didn't see the point. I didn't see the point in anything."

"I don't understand." Thane shifted in his seat, letting his brow ridges dip. "You seemed so happy when I returned to Kahje. I watched you, I saw you laughing and playing with other children your age. Rone and Kelena looked upon you with such fondness, as if you were their own."

"There were moments of happiness, yes. Stretches of time when things seemed … normal." Kolyat swallowed. "But, the longer I went without hearing anything from you …." He brought a fist to his mouth and cleared his throat. "I remembered Mother saying once that you were on the Citadel when you were away. I thought I might go there, perhaps I would find you. Instead, I found no record of your ever having been there—at all. Until a volus heard me say your name and asked who I was. When I gave him my name, he told me about a package you left for me."

Thane lowered his gaze, taking in his hands clasped before him on the table. "It was meant to be delivered to you after my death. They shouldn't have given it to you."

Kolyat let out a soft huff. "I told them you were dead. For all I knew, it was the truth."

"I see." Hearing the words stung more than Thane expected, but really, he couldn't fault Kolyat for his actions.

"I spent days reading the files, watching your vids." Kolyat leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table when Thane met his gaze again. "At first to make sense out of it all, but then just to see you, to hear your voice. I was so angry with you. I—I am still angry with you. But watching them made me think there might still be a chance you were alive, and if you were alive, I intended to find you. Whatever the cost."

"Then I am truly lucky to have found you when I did." An unnerving thought struck Thane just then. "That is, unless, of course … Talid wasn't the first?"

"No, Father." Kolyat rubbed a hand over his face. "Talid was the first."

Arashu be praised.