A/N: Need to add in some quick Tws: Death of a character (yes we're at that part of the show) and use of alcohol as a coping mechanism xoxo
Chapter 33:
Buffy and Saffron walked through the front door of Revello Drive, a place that was now their home again. They were laughing and Saffron hadn't felt this good in a long time. Her birthday had been a disaster, but she was grateful for everyone being around her. Her and Buffy had been on a shopping trip and they were discussing something they had seen at lunch, she was glad they were closer again. Saff turned and closed the door behind them and noticed the flowers left for Joyce. This made her smile wider and she gestured at them which made them both giggle like school girls at Joyce having a boyfriend. Buffy shouted up the stairs at Joyce, but she didn't reply. Saffron put her bags on the couch in the living room and turned around to see Joyce lying on the sofa. Saffron smiled at her auntie and turned to grab a throw from the chair she had left her bags on to place over her.
"She's in here, Buff" Saff half-whispered so Joyce didn't wake. Saffron started to walk over with the light grey throw in her hand, ready to wrap around her. She stopped suddenly, squinting at Joyce. Something wasn't right. Buffy entered the room, but Saff hadn't noticed, the smile had dropped from her face and she stared with a frown. Buffy looked at her cousin, then at her mom. Buffy knew then. Saff ran over to Joyce and chucked the throw on the floor. She started to check her pulse, with no joy. Buffy was panicking and shouting for her mom. Saffron looked at Buffy, her eyes were watering but she didn't have time for that now. She ran to the phone and dialled the ambulance. Saffron asked for their advice, her voice was frantic.
"CPR?" Saffron looked lost, she had never learnt. Buffy looked like she had an idea and rushed over to try. Saffron checked Joyce's pulse again but something sickened her. Cold. Saffron sunk to her knees and Buffy watched her in panic. Saffron had given up. Buffy couldn't give it up, she cracked Joyce's ribs and screamed. Saffron just watched blankly, she knew there was no hope. She had seen and felt this before. Buffy took the phone off Saffron where her hand had been hovering in mid-air, the phone no longer at her ear. Buffy kept trying to revive Joyce but when she mentioned she was cold, they told her to wait for the EMTs.
They arrived and quickly determine that Joyce was gone, saying they're sorry for their loss. Saffron watched the room, unable to move from her original spot. The responders had brought Joyce closer to where she was kneeling now, she couldn't take her eyes off Joyce. The men started to leave and Buffy said something to them before they went, but Saffron can't hear it. She's been weighed down into the spot.
Saffron knelt there for a long time, she didn't know how long. All she could think about was Joyce. She was losing a mother all over again. She couldn't move, she could barely think, it was as if her thoughts were wading through thick liquid. She was completely numb again, no emotion reached her as she knelt there. She couldn't only hear things faintly, mostly Buffy moving around and the faint sound of wind chimes.
It was as if time had stopped for her. Everything else was happening around her, Buffy walked into the room every so often but Saffron couldn't move her head away from Joyce's limp form. Her auntie had been fine before they left. Why couldn't she feel anything? Why was she gone?
Giles arrived and him and Buffy spoke before he tried to revive her. He looked at Saffron and Buffy in concern as they both stared, in complete shock.
"She's dead" Saffron said bluntly from where she was knelt. Her hands were running through her hair now, she could move again. Like a tap being turned back on, life started to rush back to her. She noticed her hands had blood on them, she gasped and then looked at Joyce. She isn't bleeding. On further inspection, the blood was coming from around her nails. Saffron had picked the skin from around all of her nails until she bled and she hadn't even noticed.
"Don't move the body!" Buffy screamed and brought her hand to her mouth, upset at how she had referred to her Mom. Saffron looked up at her and saw the tears in her eyes, they matched her own. Saffron had winced at Buffy's words and started sobbing uncontrollably. She screamed incoherently and Giles went to hold the girl, horrified at what had happened. Blood mixed with her tears as she tried to wipe her face with her hands. Buffy sunk down and knelt next to them. She hugged Saffron and Saff moved to hold on to her cousin. Giles still tried to comfort them both, trying to find the words but none came to him. He stayed with them until they had cried until no more tears would come.
They thought of Dawn. They were going to have to tell her. This made Saffron cry again, she knew how it was to lose your parent that young. She didn't want Dawn to have to face that. Buffy said that she would go alone, but Saffron couldn't let her do that. She held Buffy's hand as they got into Giles' car and he drove them to the school.
xoxoxo
I am a passenger, And I ride and I ride
The school loomed over them with menace as they pulled up in the car park. Giles offered to come and help, but they decided it needed to be them. Buffy and Saffron hadn't let go of each other's hands since the house. They couldn't let go, it was as if they were scared to lose each other like they lost Joyce.
I ride through the city's backside, I see the stars come out of the sky
The walk down the halls to find Dawn's classroom was the longest of her life. Saffron couldn't get the song out of her head, it played on repeat just like it had in England after her parents had died. It was taunting her. They found Dawn's classroom and Buffy spoke to the teacher. Saffron hadn't managed to form complete sentences since she had stopped talking on the phone.
Yeah, they're bright in a hollow sky, You know it looks so good tonight
She saw Dawn's face. She looked happy enough. Her biggest worry was her algebra homework. That youthful innocence, the naivety that there's always a happy ending. Her more than most, as she has a slayer for a sister to keep the demons at bay. Even with being the key, she believes Buffy will make it okay again. But some things can never be whole again. In a matter of minutes her whole world would be shattered. Saffron didn't want her to know. She'd pretend Joyce was on a long holiday if she could, but that wouldn't be fair.
I am the passenger, I stay under glass
Saffron sighed as Dawn slowly walked out of the classroom and stood in front of the two girls. Saffron couldn't speak, her mouth was so dry she felt like she hadn't had anything to drink in years. When did she last have a drink? Buffy told Dawn. She couldn't sugar coat it and Saffron knew that's how she would have put it too. Dawn wouldn't believe them. She called them liars, she screamed at them. She realised it was the truth and couldn't hold back the eruption of tears. Each girl's eyes filled with tears and they tried to comfort each other. Neither of them blamed her for her reaction.
"I'm so sorry Dawny" Saff choked out.
"I'm sorry too, she was yours too" Dawn said between sobs. The three girls barely made it out of the school, they battled through the grief with each step they took along that corridor.
I look through my window so bright, I see the stars come out tonight
Saffron was trying to hang on. She needed to be there for the others, she knew that. But there was something inside of her. She couldn't describe it. It upset her but it was there. This black hole of bitterness and anger churned through her. The choppy waves of burning resentment towards the world crashed over her. How could they take her?
Over the city's ripped-back sky, And everything looks good tonight
The song, her own personal hell, was still playing on loop. Everything made her burn with rage and she couldn't control it. She was stood outside Revello, they had been to the morgue and she had tried to hold herself together. She felt herself slipping away again. She had just built herself back up, but now she was wearing her grief again. It was like an old pair of gloves, they moulded to her skin as if she was always meant to wear them. She took a drag of her cigarette, she had given up counting how many she had in a day anymore. Each day had blurred into the other, she couldn't even tell anyone what day it was. All she knew was that the funeral was in a week.
Oh, the passenger. He rides and he rides, He sees things from under glass
White orchids were arranged around the crematorium and Saffron's heart had dropped when she saw them. She had forgotten that was what had been decided on. She had barely been present when Giles and Buffy had been flipping through the binder of things that needed to be considered for the funeral. Saffron was wearing a plain black shift dress and a leather jacket and her combat boots. She exhaled shakily, taking a sly drink from a metal hip flask before walking towards the others. She didn't want to have to say goodbye to Joyce. She felt like she lost everyone she became close to and it terrified her.
He looks through his window's eye, He sees the things he knows are his
"Flowers of death" She whispered bitterly, and Buffy took her hand in her own, and in turn Saff took Dawn's hand with her free one. They all stood around the open grave, Saffron couldn't cry anymore. The coffin had been lowered and the flowers had been placed on top of it. They stood there while people spoke, the three girls couldn't speak in front of everyone, it was too hard. She was trying her hardest to block everything while the funeral was happening, she couldn't bear the grief that was surrounding her. Her own was hard enough to deal with.
He sees the bright and hollow sky, He sees the city asleep at night
Everyone started to disappear and Saffron found her shoulders relaxing slightly. Her grip on her cousins loosened and just the scoobies had stayed behind. Dawn decided to leave and stay with Willow and Tara, which had stung Saffron a bit. She knew she was being distant, but she had tried so hard to hide the anger and bitterness she felt from Dawn. Saffron let the emotions through again as most people had left. But she didn't realise that the universe had other plans. She felt it all at once, then black…
He sees the stars are out tonight, And all of it is yours and mine
"Saff?" Buffy shook her awake. Shit. Saffron had fainted again. The grief was too much to block out completely, it had been horrible. She had been lying beside Joyce's plot before Buffy helped her up. She didn't know where she was for a moment and then she remembered. She shivered and rubbed her head.
"Sorry" She whispered, not looking in Buffy's eyes. Buffy silently hugged her cousin and Saffron couldn't help crying again. She wanted Buffy to take her hand and tell her everything would be okay. Nothing was going to be bad again, not like last time. But she knew Buffy could never promise her anything like that. She just hoped she wouldn't leave too.
And all of it is yours and mine, So let's ride and ride and ride and ride
xoxoxo
Saffron had made sure that everyone came to Revello that evening. She wanted to honour Joyce, despite her wish there was to be no wake. Saff had a glass of red wine in her hands and drank it while the others each shared different memories that they had of Joyce. At this point, Saffron took a large sip of her red wine and recounted her own memories to herself.
Joyce picking her up at the airport after she first arrived and making her feel so welcome.
Joyce taking Saff to the hairdresser when she had cut her hair by herself.
Making her hot coco after her heart was broken over yet another boy.
The idea that Joyce was no longer here was hard to come to terms with. They sat around for a long time, sometimes in silence and other times talking loudly to fill the silence. Saffron had been rooting in the liquor cabinet for something stronger. She found some vodka and shrugged. It'll do. She added it to her cola that she had got from the fridge. The others were breaking off into smaller groups and Saffron went to go and talk to Dawn. The poor girl had taken it hard, they all had. Saffron tried her best to use the last remaining emotional influence she could muster to calm the room of their grief. Especially Dawn's. It was hard though, drinking seemed to affect the way she could use her powers. The numbness was taking over.
Saffron had gone outside to smoke, bringing the bottle she had found outside with her. She took a big swig before setting the bottle down and lighting up her cigarette. She had been lost in her own thoughts, or lack thereof. She was staring blankly at the side of next door's house while she inhaled. She was stood around the side of the house and turned her head slightly, she could feel some kind of argument happening. She frowned, grabbing her bottle and throwing her end over the fence into the next door's garden. She turned the corner and saw Xander and Willow stood like guards to the house. Spike was there, with flowers in his hand. They were yellow and pretty, he seemed to have actually bought them, there was brown paper wrapped around the stems.
"Joyce was decent, all I was doing was paying my respects"
"No, all you're doing is manipulating one of my best friends. You think cheap flowers will prove you're some sort of decent boyfriend?" Xander shivered after he said boyfriend as if the idea was repulsive. Saffron took another drink of her alcohol and focused on walking in a straight line, so the others knew she was there. Xander's eyes bulged when he realised that she had been listening. Saffron didn't even look at him, all she did was take Spike's free hand and lead him into the house. She closed the door and the two of them faced each other in the hall of the house. Spike placed the flowers on the side and turned back to Saffron.
"How you holding up, love?" He asked, his eyes searching her face. Her eyes were bloodshot, telling a story he already suspected. A silence passed between them as she tried to organise how she was feeling.
"Drink?" She asked finally, offering him the bottle.
"Is there anything I can do?" He asked, taking the bottle, and a large drink from it. He was more concerned about her though. She shook her head, looking at the ground. He put a hand on the left side of her face, cupping her cheek and tilting her to face him. Her eyes were filled with tears again, as she whispered something even he couldn't hear. When he asked her to repeat herself, a tear rolled down her cheek and he caught it with his thumb and wiped it away, "Stay with me?" She whispered, only slightly louder, showing her vulnerability. She looked exhausted, the emotions of everyone around her was giving her a headache and her own grief was gnawing at her constantly.
"Course… I'm yours until the slayer throws us all out again"
"No please don't leave tonight. I can't- I can't be alone" She said softly.
"Don't think big cuz will appreciate me staying" He said, searching her face. She needed him.
"Please" She repeated weakly, her eyes not meeting his as she took another big drink from the bottle that he hadn't realised she had taken back from him. She was ashamed that she couldn't handle it alone. He watched her and the bottle and frowned slightly before nodding. She held his hand and led him to the kitchen, tripping slightly as she went to stand near Buffy.
"Spike" Buffy stated. She didn't smile, but nobody would expect her to.
"You smell like Peaches" Spike replied.
"It's cherry-blossom spritz" Buffy shrugged, not looking either of them in the eye, she knew exactly what he meant.
"No, you smell like that bloody idiot. Angel" Spike repeated. Saffron laughed and the other two frowned at her.
"Miss high and mighty, we grieve in the same way" She giggled again and Buffy and Spike shared a look. She'd drunk too much, "Let me have my vampire here, like you had yours" she emphasised by tapping Spike twice on the chest with her palm. The loud slapping sounds echoed through the house and made the people in the other room frown and check in on the kitchen.
"Saff, I was just greeting him. Hi Spike, see?" She waved and turned back to the glasses she had been washing up, shaking her head she added, "I have bigger things on my mind than hating your boyfriend" The others went back into the living area, not sure whether they should be watching the exchange.
"S-sorry, Buff" Saffron said, fighting back the tears and instead opting to take the bottle back from Spike and taking another swig. Buffy winced at the amount of alcohol she drank straight, but Saffron barely blinked. Her tolerance had gotten better since she had been drinking with Spike. Spike slowly removed the bottle from her hands, despite her protest. Buffy planted a glass of water on the counter in front of her, telling her to finish it.
"Half full or half empty?" Saff asked, though her usual playful tone had gone. She was just staring blankly at the glass.
"It's actually two-thirds full" Dawn said from behind her but Saffron barely cracked a smile, nobody in the room did.
"Drink up, pet" He said softly, gliding her hand to the glass and watched her take a sip. He watched her, a mix of worry and devotion to the woman. It made Giles, Buffy and Dawn, the only others in the kitchen, stare at the man. They didn't think he was capable. The bravado was gone when he was concerned about her. And he was. Giles took his glasses off and cleaned them for a while before making an excuse to go to a different room.
When she had finished her glass of water, during which Spike and Buffy seemed to be having a silent conversation, Spike nodded once and guided his girl to her room. This was something he was used to, she could handle her drink well for the most part, but he noted as he supported her down the stairs that this had been happening more frequently.
Spike took her to the double bed, and she sat herself on the end. He was still stood, shrugging off his duster and black t-shirt as he was about to get into bed after her. Her head whipped up to look him in the eyes. She frowned, something was on her mind.
"Will you love me even when everyone else is gone?" She slurred slightly, not removing her eyes from his.
"What are you on about, honeysuckle?" He stared, confused. He didn't understand what she meant, but he decided it was usual drunk babbling and helped her into the bed. He took her jacket off her and decided not to try and take off her dress, she was too far gone. He slipped into bed beside her, positioning himself so he could wrap his arms around her as she turned to face away from him.
"Honeysuckle" She whispered and nodded solemnly as tears stung her eyes. She settled under the blankets hoping that sleep would take her quickly.
xoxoxo
The birds were singing a beautiful melody as the sun was apparently shining brightly from behind the blinds in Saffron's room. There was a golden glow that bounced across the room in a pleasant haze. The room felt light and airy, she didn't appear to be hung over as she saw an empty bottle on her bedside table. She yawned slightly and moved closer to Spike. He was freezing cold but she was used to it, she traced her fingers softly over his skin and she smiled to herself as she planted a soft kiss on the side of his neck. He didn't stir, but she whispered soft affirmations into his ear while he slept. She was pleased that the unexpected sleepover guest had stayed. They wouldn't usually risk it, despite how much more accepting people had been recently.
Something small in the back of her mind was telling her that she was forgetting something, but she hadn't paid it much attention. She watched him sleep for a while, stroking the side of his face and whispering her love for him. He seemed to hear her through his dreams and moved closer to her out of instinct. An arm tried to wrap around her waist, but she slipped away reluctantly, needing to get up.
She sat up in bed, stretching and looking around the room. Was something missing? No. She stood up from her bed and started to peel off the dress she had fallen asleep in and found some fresh clothes to get changed into for the day. She couldn't smell any cooking, so the others hadn't got up yet. She started to tidy some of the things that had been left on the floor, she didn't remember how they had got there. She knelt to grab a picture frame that had fallen face down onto the floor. It was the one with her, Dawn, Buffy and Joyce at the beach and she smiled slightly at the memory before replacing it back onto the table in the corner.
Joyce.
It hit suddenly hit her all at once. A tonne of bricks. Buried in the rubble. She was gone. Joyce was gone. The back of her throat caught. She caught the tears that fought to escape her eyes desperately. The sun started to fade and the room went cold. Her breathing was irregular as she started to try to stand. The room was spinning and her vision started to go fuzzy in the corners. She stumbled against furniture and fought the stairs. Fresh air. She needed fresh air.
She made it outside and tried to light herself a cigarette, in her mind the perfect cure. However, her erratic breathing started getting worse before it was better. She dropped the cigarette on the floor and had to steady herself, focusing on how the rough brick felt under her palm. How the cool morning air nipped at her skin. She closed her eyes and willed herself to stop it.
She finally calmed her breathing enough to attempt to light her cigarette again. An old memory flicked into her mind, running like an old movie. The edges of the memory were peeling and sepia toned. It felt as if she was watching a stranger.
The girl was sitting with her arms crossed, her eyes stained with tears. She was sat leaning against the bathroom wall, staring at the scene in front of her. Her favourite dungaree dress had been cut up and left on the cold tile, partially hidden under a pile of brunette hair. A knock on the door barely registered, but she had heard it. She slowly walked to the door and opened it, wincing at the creaking sound that sliced through her head like a knife. Buffy was stood there and she had brought Joyce with her this time.
Joyce's eyes widened at the sight of her niece's new look. The girl looked pitiful, her face was stained with mascara and she was going through a heavy eyeliner faze as it was, a harsh contrast with her pale skin. Her hair had been jaggedly cut off, one patch on the left side was still long as it once had been. It had once been almost waist-length but was now harshly cut above her shoulders. A sort of fringe had been cut but it was cut in such a way that the word uneven couldn't even cover it.
Joyce could have shouted. Could have told her how stupid the girl before her had been. But none of that ever crossed her mind. She slowly walked over to her and enveloped the young girl in a warm hug. Gesturing with her head to Buffy to take the scissors away. She told the girl that this was fixable, that the most important thing was that she was okay. That she could always talk about what was making her unhappy before something like this happened. The girl had spent a year by herself before she had found herself back in a happy family setting and it was still hard for her to get used to. But that moment was a turning point, she felt it. This was family. Joyce and Buffy felt it too as the blonde girl joined the hug. She didn't have to hide things from them. She didn't have to bottle everything up. She was hurting still but things would be okay, she had her family around her.
A voice shook her out of the memory and she wiped away a stray tear from her eye. The powers had another message and it was playing in her head, "The grief shall pass and you will be stronge-"
"Fucking shut up! That's not good enough! I don't care what you have to say, don't you see?" She choked at the sky, barely keeping herself standing, "I don't want the grief to pass, I want to feel it! I want to feel my own shit, why am I always second to everyone else's emotions!?"
"You are the balm of the-"
"Sorry the person you are calling is unavailable right now, try dialling 0800-shut-the-fuck-up and leave me alone!" She screamed. Even in her darkest times, her words were always her own. Something shifted. They left. She physically felt it as the voice disappeared. She was finally alone with herself. She didn't know if that made her feel better or worse. She collapsed into more tears and found herself in the foetal position on the concrete with a burnt-out cigarette still between her fingers. She must have been there for a while before she felt a faint emotion close to her. Concern. It was brief and she winced at the feeling, covering her head with her hands. She managed to relax slightly as the emotion left again.
She jumped when she felt someone's hand on her, telling her she was there. That she understood. Buffy held onto her cousin for dear life, much like the way the three of them had hugged in the bathroom after saffron had broken down over her hair. At some point, Buffy had allowed herself to cry as well. They both helped each other up, walking into the house. Hoping, in vain, tomorrow would be an easier day.