Chapter 34:

Everyone had gathered for a meal. They had decided to all stick together since everything that had happened, they needed to make sure they didn't lose anyone else. Saffron was drinking a large glass of red wine. It reminded her of one of the dates she had gone on with Graham, he had ordered for them ahead and they had drunk large glasses of wine. She remembered feeling fancy when she drank it. She didn't feel fancy today, she just felt sad. Conversation carried on around her, it was as if Joyce was going to walk into the room any minute with a freshly made casserole in one of those Pyrex dishes. She wouldn't have known what casserole everyone liked so she would have made at least three, plus a veggie one for Saff. She was always so considerate. This thought reminded Saffron about those marshmallows she used to buy. She didn't know where she got them from. Everyone was still talking over their meals, but she just sprung up and rushed to the kitchen. They all watched her go in confusion, her movement had been so sudden. She started opening all the cupboards frantically, looking for the marshmallows. Maybe they have the store name on them. Almost every cupboard door was open and different utensils were flying across the room. Why couldn't she remember where Joyce kept them?

"Saff, what are you doing?" Buffy asked from the doorway where her and Dawn were stood watching her.

"Ah, Saffron, is there something you need? Salt and pepper are on the table" Giles' voice came from behind them

"Marshmallows" She muttered, as if it was obvious what she was looking for.

"Uh, Saff? We're not eating dessert yet" Xander said, clearly concerned for her.

"I need to know where she buys them from. She never said and they are special. They're the special marshmallows that she buys me- I mean, bought- and I never even asked where from. Is there a specialist shop? Do I have to order them three weeks in advance? What if it was a backstreet deal where she had the contact listed in her phone as Marshall. Like a code name, you know?" Saffron continued looking through cupboards and got up to kneel on the kitchen counter to look on the top shelves while she was talking. Nobody stopped her babbling about the marshmallows, they knew she needed to get it all out. They did all look at each other in concern though. She never dealt well with losing people. However, when she turned to the trash and started to try to root through it for any old marshmallow packaging, Buffy moved her cousin away and sat her on one of the kitchen chairs. Saffron started sobbing, her mascara running down her face. You'd think with all the crying she does, she would invest in some waterproof mascara.

They eventually coaxed Saffron back into the dining room where she poured herself another large glass of wine to calm herself down. Buffy smiled at her tightly before she asked Giles to have a word with her in the kitchen. Willow hugged Saff who thanked her and offered to pour her a glass of the wine. Willow declined and Saffron was relieved, she didn't feel like sharing. No matter how much she drank, she never felt drunk enough. She had graduated to her second bottle and hadn't touched her meal. Giles and Buffy were out of the room for a long time but Saffron didn't care enough about anything other than her wine to go and listen in to their conversation. The others had started to talk about Dawn going back to school, but Saffron hadn't been listening. She had just been sipping her wine and staring at the door intently, as if she still believed that Joyce would walk through it. She didn't have any hope left in her to believe that anymore, but she felt safer staring at the door than in anyone else's eyes. It was hard enough feeling hints of their emotions.

"What do you think, Saffy?" Tara asked kindly, trying to involve her in the conversation.

"Sorry, I wasn't listening" Saff said, still staring at the door. Had those carvings always been there? Does that swirl connected to that other swirl sort of look like the number three? She didn't vocalise her thoughts, but she did get up and slowly walk to the door. The others frowned at her and all shared a look but continued the conversation anyway.

"Uh, we were just saying that the Dawnster should probably get back to school" Xander explained.

"Why? Everything's going online now and she's probably gonna die when Glory finds her" Saffron said, still tracing the carving in the back of the door. A silence fell over the room and all that could be heard was loud footsteps running in the opposite direction. Dawn had left in tears. Saffron turned to face the room, even Anya was staring in shock at what she had said. Buffy opened the door then and asked what happened with Dawn.

"Was she even in here?" Saffron asked as she focused on walking back to her seat and then poured herself another glass. She could feel a strange emotion, it was of shock and concern. She didn't like it, so she screwed her eyes up and tried drinking some more.

"Uh, yeah" Xander said, "She heard what doom and gloominess you think will happen to her"

"That she's gonna die a horrible death?" She paused, thinking it over, "Maybe not. Do big glowing balls of energy get nasty deaths or do they just pop out of existence and leave us that way?"

"Stop it"

"Stop what?"

"This. Whatever this is. We're all hurting, Saff. But you know that the both of us would rather go down than see Dawn die a horrible death" Buffy said, her hand on Saff's shoulders. Saff shrugged her off quickly, unable to stand feeling the warmth behind her words. She couldn't bear any of the feelings. It was making her queasy, or perhaps that was the large volume of wine. She had found a third bottle in the wine rack. Buffy looked upset that she had shrugged her off but Saffron just got up and went outside for her cigarette, bringing the bottle of wine with her.

xoxoxo

Spike and Saffron were sat on the sofa in front of the tv in the crypt. They often spent time together like this, but both of them felt something in the air. A cold chill bringing them a sense of worry in the back of their minds. And the front of their minds. Saffron had felt guilty since she heard Dawn knew what she had said about her.

"Dawn won't stay home, she left with Willow and T. I'm no help to her" Saff said sadly, knowing it was all her fault, "She's not spoken to me since that night" Saff sighed.

"The bit will come round, love." Spike said, knowing it would be the case.

"I shouldn't have said it. Don't think I realised I'd said it out loud" She explained. This was true, she had felt as if she was dreaming ever since Joyce had died. But this didn't excuse what she said, no matter how much she didn't mean it. She would never let Dawn die if she could help it, and Buffy definitely wouldn't. So why had she said that so easily?

"Give her something shiny, it'll distract her from being upset"

"She's a kid not a magpie! I shouldn't have said it out loud how fucking stupid-" Saff ranted, starting to scold herself. Spike's eyes widened as she cut herself off. She had never been like this. She put a healthy amount of negativity into the world but rarely directed it at herself so harshly. She looked away, embarrassed and cut in before Spike tried to say something, "It's okay, babe. I'm just tired, you know how it's been"

"You're not ok, pet" He said, slowly moving his hand to her chin and guiding her face up to look at him. She was looking at him, but she wasn't really in the room. He had lost her again. She was staring through him, "Saff?" He asked, scanning her face.

"It's okay Spike" she repeated flatly.

"I may not have that pretty little lie detector in my brain, but I can tell something's not right love, apart from the obvious" He moved to cup her face, willing her to be in the room with him. She could feel his concern and winced, flinching slightly at the sensation.

"Leave it, please... I don't want to have to think about it, I just want to be here. With you" She admitted, picking at the skin on the side of her nails. He watched her and moved from her face to still her hands. She could feel his concern and she closed her eyes, leaning her head back on the back of the sofa, willing it to stop. And just as quickly as she had felt it, it did.

"Love…"

"Just… stay with me?" She mumbled into his side and he obliged as he pulled her in closer to him. Holding her tight, trying to dissolve her worry. He started to take her hair out of her usual high ponytail, so she could relax. She was sobbing softly into his side as he stroked her hair, making sure she was comfortable.

They stayed like that for hours, the only change in the room was the low buzz of voices on the tv, Spike hadn't been able to sleep as he heard her sobs carry on into her sleep. He slowly shifted her off him and turned to pick her up bridal style so he could take her to bed. He had never known himself to care for someone like this and know for certain that if the roles were reversed she would be caring for him in the same way. As he made sure she was comfortable in bed, hearing her breath catch in a sob during her dream told him that she still wasn't able to escape whatever was troubling her. Not even through sleep. His eyebrows furrowed as he debated with himself. He came to a decision. He quickly left the crypt, before he changed his mind.

He made it to his destination. Spike looked behind him, scoping the place out. He was making sure nobody had followed him, especially not Saffron. God, if she knew. He knocked twice and the woman looked around too, but reluctantly invited him in.

"What do you want, Spike? Where's Saffron?" Buffy asked, confused.

"You know I'd only be here if I had to. It's Saff, something's wrong..." He said, before explaining the way she had been with him alone. She seemed angry more often than not and when she wasn't angry, she was desperately sad. They discussed what to do through the night, unsure how it was suddenly so easy for them to hold a conversation.

xoxoxo

The others were all gathered in the living room, but Saffron couldn't bear to face them. Spike had dropped in, but he had been speaking to Dawn all evening about something she hadn't been bothered to listen to. She had found some rum she had left over from her birthday and had been drinking that with lemonade. When she ran out, she had started back on the vodka. She was drinking alone in her room and had let her thoughts run wild. Joyce had died and she was struggling to cope, she could feel herself slipping away. All that was left behind was anger and bitterness, and it scared her. She was angry with the powers, making her their pawn in their game. Not caring who was collateral damage.

"Fuck them", she jumped up suddenly, her bottle still in her hand. She rushed around her room tipping papers and everything she wanted to get rid of into a box. She then grabbed her lighter, that Xander had added an 'R' to in sharpie, so it now read R.s.v.p. He had found it hilarious. She ran upstairs, through the kitchen where everyone went silent as she ran past. Spike frowned, looking up from his conversation with Dawn. Something was wrong. Most of the people in the house went to the window to watch what she was doing in the garden.

Saffron was stumbling across the grass and dumped the box on the floor. Inside the box, she had gathered up every piece of research she had on her prophecy and her upcoming destiny. There were also various books on being an empath and the handwritten notes she had logged from the first time she had ever started researching into her abilities, she even threw in the pink fluffy pen she used to write the notes. She stared at the box and shook her head. She poured the last of the alcohol onto the box and knelt to set the contents of the box alight. Orange flames licked at the stacks of paper, some of the older prophecies and scrolls crackled with green and pink light before setting on fire. It lit up her face and she just stared, watching the fire intensely, slowly standing up. She reached into her pocket and took out her pack of well-used tarot cards. She looked at them, and then the fire blankly. She couldn't hear the kitchen door open and everyone run out after her as she threw the pack onto the fire. She sunk to her knees again and wiped the angry tears out of her eyes.

"What are you doing?!"

"Saffron are-are they the prophecies?! What are you thinking!" Giles shouted, trying to calm the flames.

"Saff! Saff, get up!" Buffy begged her, tears coming to her own eyes as she saw the slumped frame of her cousin.

"Auntie J! She's… she's gone! Parents, gone!" She screamed, pointing shakily for emphasis, "It's not fucking fair, none of this is fair!" everyone stared at her. They knew she had taken this hard, but something was seriously wrong. Buffy pulled her to her feet and tried to plead directly to her, but Saffron stared back, anger raging through her. Buffy had to break contact with her cousin, her skin was so hot.

"Saffron, I know it's hard. It's horrible, but we can get through this, ok?" Buffy asked, trying to remain calm. Spike had been right. She was bad.

"Your cards, Saff…" Spike tried to hand her the pack he had fished out of the flames.

"They didn't give me anything! No warning, no nothing!" She moved from Buffy, seemingly screaming at the sky, "They just fucking took her" she spat and Spike tried to offer some comfort, but she backed away. Everyone was staring, they had seen her angry. But never like this. She kicked the box, that someone had now put out. "Hey, how's that prophecy going for you, G? Still think I have the pure heart? There is nothing pure or good about the way I feel anymore!"

"Saffron, I know it's incredibly hard. You have, undoubtedly, had it harder than most.." Giles started to comfort the girl, but she wasn't having any of it.

"I want the world to burn in this screaming fire of grief that I have inside of me, and most importantly I want you all to fuck off!" She gestured at herself and then at them as she swore at them all. Her movements were dramatic and she was very obviously drunk. She started to walk away, stumbling slightly, but Spike pulled her back, "You don't mean that, Honeysuckle" he said. This time she let him hold her in place. She stared at him for a second, before carrying on.

"You think I don't? You're all dying, can't you see? Don't you see the poison?" She shouted at them all. She wiped her eyes again. Their faces were solemn as they tried to figure out what to do.

"Already dead, love. I'm right here with you" Spike said, looking directly in her eyes. Willow had been quiet for most of the scene, she didn't know how to reach her close friend. She tried to think of a spell, but there was nothing for this. Whatever it was.

"Saffy... please. Just talk to us" Willow tried to make her friend listen.

"Nothing more to say, Will. Don't you feel it too?" She said between sobs. Spike squeezed her shoulder, trying to show that he was still there.

"Feel what?"

"Poison" She whispered. Spike's brow furrowed. She had mentioned everyone dying before. He wasn't sure if anyone else had heard what she said.

"SP, there's no poison. Bad luck, sure…" He shrugged, trying to appeal to her with his usual humour.

"There's no coincidences, Xander. What is it you do here, again? We've got the witches doing their cheap tricks and the big neon key and the slayer, a sort-of-watcher and a couple demons. What exactly is it you bring to the table?" She asked bitterly. Xander just nodded and didn't reply.

"Why don't you come inside? Sleep it off?" Buffy asked her slowly, trying to limit the damage she was going to regret, but Saffron shook her head.

"Great job you're doing at holding it all together. I see the cracks, Buff. You're almost as bad as me" She laughed, but it wasn't her usual contagious laughter, "You think there's anyone smiling down on me? The priestess is a possessed airhead with Cordelia-style modesty, the powers that be want me to die at the hands of the corrupted. Do you think I want them to get their way?" She said, looking around at the others that were gathering around her. Nobody said anything. She had shocked them into complete silence. She put a shaky hand through her hair and finally let Buffy lead her inside.

xoxoxo

She lay in her bed, flat on her back. She screwed her eyes up, trying to imagine a happier time. She crossed her hands over her chest, so the opposite hand was holding the opposite shoulder. As if she was in a sarcophagus. Her and the summer's women at the beach. Laughing at the Bronze with her friends. Spending time with Spike in his crypt. The low murmurs from above her interrupted her imaginary world. Everyone was talking about her and all she wanted was to be anonymous. Everything was wrong and she didn't know what to do. The drinking wasn't even helpful, instead of stopping her being sad it just made her drunk and sad. She hated this test. This grief. The worried looks and expectations of the world. She wanted to stay here, in her makeshift sarcophagus until the world came to its end.

The living room had been quiet for a while, a pin drop could have been heard as everyone was in their own minds. They didn't know what was going on with Saffron and speaking about it would make it real. The others exchanged silent glances for a while, before something had to be said.

"Anyone know what she was talking about?" Xander finally asked, what he had seen had concerned him. Deeply. Saffron had never said anything like that to him before, never with such conviction behind her words.

"She seemed, ah, distressed which is understandable. She has been drinking a large amount tonight, I think if she sleeps it off she should be okay. We shall just have to keep an eye on her"

"The hysterical snappiness was a lot" Xander commented, she had been harsh to him more than anyone else.

"Do we know why she said that we're all dying?"

"Well, I feel fine" Anya added, just to make everyone aware.

"It was the alcohol, she's always liked to drink and she's British, it's like a national pastime"

"Yeah, you know how she can get when she's been drinking"

"I've never seen her like that" Tara said sadly.

"She's hurting. Saffron's been through a lot. More than any of us"

"I get it, but we're all hurting. Someone should talk to her" Buffy said, looking towards Giles expectantly.

"Well, ah, I could-" Giles was cut off by a deafening scream coming from the basement.

Everyone ran down, some grabbing weapons as they went. They came down to the basement expecting to see a demon, but instead it was Saffron thrashing around wildly. She appeared to be having a nightmare. She was slicked with sweat and screaming the odds, her pain was so evident the group could almost feel it. She started mumbling about fish-features and white berets. Willow knelt beside her bed and woke her up, muttering something under her breath to calm the girl as she woke. Despite the spell, Saffron woke up and sat bolt upright, eyes wide as she saw the crowd surrounding her. Willow smiled at her sadly, saying they would always be there for her. She didn't want them there, she could feel their concern but it just made her more bitter. Saff just asked where Spike was. She explained that Spike and Dawn had left some hours ago after her dramatic outburst. Where could they have gone?

Spike and Dawn were walking across to the far side of Sunnydale, a place Dawn was not even a little bit familiar with. She was unhappy and desperate to bring Joyce back. Seeing Saffron and hearing how she had been recently had settled it. She needed to do the spell and Spike was along for the ride.

"If we bring her back, everything will be okay again. Saff will get better and we don't have to be sad anymore"

"Don't be telling Saffron, or Buffy for that matter, they don't need to know" Spike said firmly, aware that a lot could go wrong, "They've got enough going on at the moment, nibblet, we don't need to be added extras to that"

"But if she comes back, if we get her home you won't want Saff to know we did it?" Dawn said slowly, not understanding why Spike would want to help her if he wasn't getting credit from Saffron, "Then why are you doing this?"

"I just don't like to see my favourite women take it so hard on the chin, is all" Spike said while lighting a cigarette, not looking Dawn in the eye. Dawn smiled widely, but faltered when Spike started to speak seriously again, "And I'm dead serious. You breathe a word of this to either of them, I'll see to it that you end up in the ground. Got it?"

Dawn nodded as she stepped into the threshold. They were there to visit Doc, a man that Spike had heard about to help them with the resurrection spell. He opened the door for her and then stepped in after her.

xoxoxo

Saffron walked upstairs from her room, oblivious to all that had gone on with Dawn, Spike, Buffy and a possible Joyce zombie. The pair looked at her with tear stained eyes. She had felt the anger and sorrow from their recent exchange and was actually walking to find something to drink to block the little she could feel from them out, but when she saw their faces her heart dropped. It stopped her in her tracks, the moment was strong enough to pull her from her destructive tendencies as she rushed over to the pair. They dropped to the floor, holding each other as Saff sunk to her knees, unsure what was going on. Buffy saw her and pulled her into the hug. She let herself be vulnerable, let herself cry. Being in physical contact with them hurt her. She could feel their grief stronger than ever and it physically hurt. Saffron wanted to comfort them, but it hurt. Their sobs wracked through her as if they were her own.

She couldn't stand it much longer, she got up, with the girls still holding each other on the floor and stepped around them through the open doorway and walked out into the night. She was in sweats and a tank top, she hadn't planned on leaving the house. She screwed her eyes up, blocking out everything she could feel. It was unbearable. She could hear distant shouting of her name as she walked away, but she didn't turn back.

Lake Eville was quiet. Saffron had a bottle in a brown paper bag that was now half-empty. The liquor burned her throat, but the feeling was welcome. More welcome than what she had been feeling before. She sat on her usual bench, staring out at the water. She was freezing, her arms full of goose bumps from the evening chill.

That's where he found her, sat cross-legged clutching her bottle. He moved wordlessly to sit next to her, not sure what could be said. Buffy had told him she had disappeared without her coat or phone. He had tracked her easily, she wasn't hiding. She acknowledged his presence by dipping her head slightly. Spike swiftly shrugged off his duster and wrapped it around her.

"It's okay, pet. Everything will be okay" He whispered, stroking her hair and leaning against her. His words echoed through her mind; she had taken such comfort from it at the time. But now all she could feel was hopelessness. Nothing would be okay, she couldn't feel a way out of this.

"Have you heard of the drowning instinct?" She asked, the first thing either of them had said since he had found her. They were both still staring out at the expanse of the water as she continued, "You're drowning but the water in your lungs isn't what kills you. It's the shock you go into, knowing what's coming. The panic as your reflexes kick in, slowly suffocating you rather than drowning the traditional way. People can't tell you're in trouble, can't see what's going on inside. Nobody can tell you're drowning"

"Sounds painful" He commented slowly, knowing what she was getting at. She took another drink from the bottle concealed in brown paper before Spike took it from her slowly. She looked him in the eye, her eyes were glazed over, and she looked very tired.

"I think I'm drowning, Spike" She whispered. Spike didn't know what he could say to that, his hand was between her shoulder blades, rubbing her softly. He wouldn't leave her side, but he didn't know how to help.