Completely Undone

There was no safe place on the Normandy for him to retreat, not even Life Support. He might steal a shuttle and flee the ship—he'd done it before after killing a target—but he thought overcoming the AI's control over the Normandy might just be more of a challenge than he was prepared to take on … and it carried with it the potential of endangering the crew. He'd made Shepard a promise, though, accepted a contract. He couldn't leave, he swore to help her defeat the collectors and save the colonists. He just needed some time to gather his thoughts, needed a place to hide, be truly alone for a time. There was nowhere, though. Nowhere for him to go where she couldn't find him if she came looking, and nowhere in the galaxy, let alone the Normandy, would keep him from his memories.

"Thane, Dr. Chakwas wished to inform you that your medications are ready." The AI's voice came through the speakers, jarring him from his state of panic and confusing him with her words.

"What? Ah." He pressed his fingers to his forehead, rubbing at the tension spread out beneath his scales as her meaning sunk in, reminding him of yet another promise he made. "Yes, of course. Thank you, EDI."

"You are welcome." If EDI held an opinion about what happened a few moments before in Shepard's cabin or his obvious current agitation, she kept it to herself.

Taking a deep, steadying breath, he bowed his head in prayer, asking Arashu to forgive him for making such an egregious mistake, hurting one of her sihas, and to grant him peace. He left Life Support and made his way to the Med Bay, forcing a smile on his face when Dr. Chakwas met his gaze. He listened to her the best he could as she droned on about the medications, their side effects, dosages, and scheduled breathing treatments in the Med Bay while all the while silently begging her to stop talking and leave him be. At last, she tucked all of the bottles away into a bag and handed it over to him. Thanking her, he dipped his head and smiled again before excusing himself.

The Med Bay doors slid open, and he looked up, finding himself face to face with Shepard. He sucked in a sharp breath, her sudden appearance taking him by surprise. "Shepard … I …."

Shutters slammed down over her eyes, sealing her soul off from him, and she stepped aside, clearing the path for him. He lowered his gaze. Of course. Why wouldn't she hide herself from him after he'd treated her so callously? She'd given him so much of herself, shared parts of herself with him she gave to no one else, opened her heart to him, and then he turned her away but only after stealing from her what wasn't his to take.

"My apologies," he muttered, stepping out past her.

"Don't worry about it," she said, voice sounding cold and hollow as she moved past him and into the Med Bay, the door sliding closed behind her.

He stood there for a moment, staring at the sheet of metal separating the two of them before letting out a weary sigh. His heart ached. How could he have been so foolish? Why not be content to have a friend? A friend. The first in ten years, why couldn't he just be grateful for the gifts she gave him without ruining it, chasing after something more? Something he could never truly have again, something beyond his ability to give her. Even she kept her feelings to herself, simply enjoying the bond they shared without complicating things … until he kissed her.

Why must I destroy everything I touch?

Lowering his gaze to the floor, he turned and made his way back to Life Support and settled the bag down on the table. Wiping his hand over his face, he took a deep breath and tilted his head back, exhaling towards the ceiling. He closed his eyes, but the memory of the feel of her hands on him, body pressed against his, and her tongue in his mouth flooded him, ripping the air right from his lungs. Sweet Arashu, why did he run from her? He wanted her back in his arms so badly, a terrible idea, and after the way he behaved, he'd be lucky if she ever even allowed him to speak her name again. He shouldn't feel so much for her, what happened to it being something kept at bay, something he hoped might fade as he adapted to life without his battle sleep?

Life. There was so much life in her eyes.

He'd told her that he'd do anything, give her anything, she need only ask. She'd returned his kiss, was that not asking? No, she'd never ask him to give himself to fulfill his debt; a debt she didn't even believe existed. He swallowed and pulled out the chair, sitting down to prop his elbows on the table and press his face into his palms. He'd run from her. Without explanation, he just ran, like a coward. Just as he'd abandoned Irikah and Kolyat. And he'd convinced himself he'd grown wiser over the years. He owed her an explanation, an apology. He might not be able to make right their friendship, but at the very least, ensure they were able to maintain a working relationship. He didn't think she'd be too pleased to see him again so soon, though. The way she looked at him outside of the Med Bay … perhaps it'd be best for him to try to speak with her in the morning.

The evening passed on, leaving him in solitude, something he once savored but after everything the day brought, it provided him with only an aching sense of loneliness, regret, and misery. Memories came and went, filling his mind with the pain in her eyes when he pulled away; teasing his heart with how wonderful she felt in his arms. His thoughts drifted to Kolyat and the promises he'd made his son. The soul-wrenching agony he'd caused Kolyat for so many years. Of course, his self-created torment wouldn't be complete without memories of Irikah, his greatest love and also his greatest failing, the one who paid the greatest cost for his ineptitude as a man. Yet every time, no matter what else he thought of, his mind and heart brought him back to Shepard.

As the ship wound down around him, the sounds of the crew moving through the deck slowing to a near standstill, he tried to sleep, but even then, she haunted him. The sounds of her laughter echoed in his ears only to be replaced a moment later with the icy, empty tone she'd used outside of the Med Bay. Don't worry about it, she'd said, and yet there he lay, unable to think of anyone or anything else for more than a few minutes at a time. It soon became clear sleep intended to evade him completely.

He sat up on the edge of his cot, almost exactly where he sat the night she came to him in tears, the night he held her while she sobbed against his shoulder and neck. "EDI, is Shepard still awake?"

"She is," EDI said a second later. "Would you like for me to tell her something?"

He rubbed his hand over his face and took a deep, steadying breath. "Ask her … ask her if I might speak with her for a moment, perhaps in the mess hall?"

EDI remained silent for a few seconds before finally conveying Shepard's response, "She said you are welcome to join her in her cabin."

"Her cabin?" He didn't expect her to want him to return to her private quarters, and he wasn't entirely certain it'd be wise.

"Yes, she said she doesn't want to leave her cabin right now, but you may go there if you wish to speak with her," said EDI.

"I see." He pushed himself to his feet and grabbed his linen shirt from the back of his chair, sliding it on over his head. "I will be there in just a moment, then." He glanced down at his bare feet and decided against bothering with putting his shoes on. What would be the point when he wasn't properly dressed anyway? Considering they spent so much time together on sleepless nights, both wearing their sleeping clothes at times, he doubted it'd bother her in the slightest, regardless of the circumstances bringing him to her door.

He left Life Support and called the elevator, waiting with his hands tucked behind his back and his gaze lowered to the floor. When the elevator opened, he stepped inside and pushed the button for her cabin. Despite everything, he found some part of him became excited at the prospect of seeing her. The elevator stopped, and he stepped off, the door to her cabin sliding opened for him. He paused in the entrance, noting the lights of the cabin were turned down low, clearing his throat, he called out to her, "Jane?"

"Down here." Her voice floated up to him, coming from down the stairs. She sounded calm enough, but somehow off.

Stepping over the threshold, he made his way into her cabin, hesitating to gather himself. He glanced at the fish before moving on, making his way to the stairs. He found her sitting on the couch, the same seat she'd sat at the other times he came up there. Holding a clear glass in her hand, partially filled with an amber liquid—alcohol of some sort, judging by the scent in the air and the bottle sitting opened in front of her on the table—she glanced at him, eyes bloodshot, the delicate skin surrounding them appearing rubbed raw and a little swollen. The look in her eyes crushed him; she looked so lost, alone, and perhaps most painful for him to see, resigned to her condition. The photograph of Kaidan lay askew on the table, part of it hanging over the edge as if it'd been tossed aside.

"Hey," she said, turning her attention to her glass. "Need something?" Bringing the alcohol to her mouth, she drained the glass and then reached for the bottle.

Lips parted, he watched her for a moment, gauging her movements, trying to determine how intoxicated she might already be. He wanted to talk to her, but if she was inebriated, it might not be the best time.

She filled her glass halfway before setting the bottle down again. Leaning back, she threw her feet up on the table and rested her head on the back of the couch, gaze turned up to the ceiling. She pulled in a long, slow breath and let it seep back out of her. "Are you just going to stand there and stare at me?"

"No," he said, and she rolled her head along the cushion to look at him. "I owe you an apology, but perhaps you'd rather I wait until the morning, so you may enjoy your drink in peace."

She snorted, looking at the glass in her hand. "It's not doing much for me. Nothing does anymore. A considerate addition Cerberus gave me; I can metabolize toxic substances that would kill most people, krogan included. A batarian bartender on Omega tried to kill me with a poisoned drink—something he apparently did with every human who ordered from him—but it didn't work on me. Just knocked me out for a little while."

The thought of someone trying to kill her, simply for being human, infuriated him, but he put it aside for the time being. Still, he thought it useful information to have, reassuring, knowing she wouldn't be so easily killed. Even though she let the silence stretch a moment, he had the feeling she intended to say more, so he waited, hands behind his back.

She took another drink, seemingly determined to get as much of the alcohol into her system as possible. "It also means I have to drink a shitload to get drunk, and there isn't enough alcohol on this ship to keep me intoxicated for more than an hour or two. Definitely not enough to make me sleep, no matter how hard I try." She scoffed, taking a heavy swallow from the glass. "Even your venom passed through me in minutes." Sucking in a deep breath, she turned her gaze back to him. "You already said sorry. A few times." She brought her glass back to her lips, eyes almost vacant as she watched him over the top as she took a sip.

His chest ached, but he kept his hands resolutely behind his back. "An explanation, then."

"We're both lonely people, Thane," she said, her voice barely more than a whisper, and she looked away, gaze seeming to seek out the photograph of Kaidan. Her jaw clenched, and she took a heavy swallow from her glass. Her voice sounded stronger when she continued, "Lonely people do things they regret sometimes. You don't need to apologize or explain anything to me. We're adults, we don't need to make it into a big ordeal." She glanced at him, and her declaration might've brought him far more relief if not for the unshakable feeling the words were a lie; it already felt like a big ordeal to her.

"Siha—" He stopped when he caught her slight wince, and she looked away, gaze shifting to the window above her bed. "Jane," he said, trying again, but she didn't look at him. "I am not blind to the pain I have caused you, but I pray you believe it's the last thing I ever wanted to do."

She scoffed, the sound more cynical than derisive. "You kissed me and then ran off. I'm not really sure why, but it was just a kiss. It's not like you spit in my face or stabbed me in the back." She took a drink, still not looking at him. "I'm fine." More lies, yet they spilled from her tongue so easily, slapping him across his face. Deflection, minimization, they seemed to be common coping mechanisms for her, yet just then, they seemed designed to wound him and wound him they did.

"Just a kiss? I don't make a habit of kissing people, Jane," he said, the offense heavy in his tone, moving down off the stairs and closer to her before he thought better of it.

Her gaze snapped to him, and she arched an eyebrow, a dangerous look flitting through her eyes. "And you think I do?" The sudden, clear, focused look to her eyes let him know she truly wasn't inebriated at all, despite her best efforts.

He cleared his throat and rubbed his fingers over his forehead, pacing away once more. "I—forgive me." He turned back to her. "I don't mean to imply …. I only mean to say it is not such a simple matter for me, and I feel as if my reaction seemed … abrupt and hurtful to you." Taking a deep breath to steady his fluctuating emotions, he waved a hand as he spoke, "I made—I had a lapse in judgment, and I regret whatever discomfort my swift retreat may have caused." Mistake. He'd almost told her he'd made a mistake, which most certainly would've been a very poor choice of words.

She let out a soft chuckle, though it carried a bitter edge. "Swift retreat? Is that what we're calling it?" She shook her head. "It's not the first time I've seen that look on someone's face, Thane. Granted it doesn't usually happen right after they kiss me, but I've seen it enough to know when someone's running scared."

There was no point in denying it, she was right. He'd been scared, and he'd run from her. He would've kept running until he reached the other side of the galaxy if not for the Normandy having already left the Citadel. He would've pulled his battle sleep back around him and refused to ever let it go again—except maybe for Kolyat. And why? He'd told himself it wouldn't be fair to her, he might harm her by loving her, and indeed it accounted for part of his problem, but it didn't define the issue in its entirety. He wasn't simply afraid of his what his own death might do to her, but he felt terrified by what hers might do to him.

Taking a drink, she looked away again, but not before he saw the hurt in her eyes. She dropped her feet to the floor and leaned forward, carefully setting her glass on the table before bracing her palms on her knees and pushing up to her feet. "What are you so afraid of?" Her words sounded like a challenge, but when she turned to face him fully and met his gaze, what he saw in her eyes made it seem more as if she braced herself for a killing blow. "You want to explain something to me, explain that." She threw her arms out to the sides before letting them fall, palms slapping against her thighs. "Why kiss me if it I'm not something you want?"

The choice of words spoke volumes about how deeply wounded she felt, how personally, she'd interpreted his earlier behavior. He hated the look in her eyes, the expectation of more pain, hated seeing it directed at him. Suddenly he felt exhausted, not from lack of sleep, but from the flurry of emotions the day brought, overwhelming him after so many years spent numbed to it all. He felt so tired of fighting what he felt for her, even though he'd done an awfully poor job. The longer he took to answer her, the more the light in her eyes dimmed, the familiar, desperate, near-panicked look creeping in around the edges.

Brow furrowing, she licked her lips and said, "I was comfortable with our friendship. I won't lie and say I wasn't interested in something more, but I was content. Happy even, having someone I felt I could really share anything with. I thought you were, too. So why?"

Filling his lungs with as much air as possible, he held it for a few seconds and then let it back out slowly, trying to steady the pounding of his racing heart. "I look at you, and I think you are beautiful," he said, his voice cracking, and she blinked, confusion filling her eyes. "When I see the pain in your eyes, fear, I want nothing more than to make it go away."

He watched as her defenses crumbled, confusion giving way to doubt in her eyes, and it pulled at him, moving his feet a couple of steps closer. He didn't know what thoughts went on in her head, but he suspected they weren't about him alone. He almost saw the effects of her existential crisis, as she called it, winding themselves around her soul like serpents, threatening to rob her of her life. She swallowed, shifting her arms to wrap them around herself, holding herself tight.

"The sound of your laughter brings me joy like no other. Each day I find myself wondering, hoping it will be a day you decide to come spend time with me. When I am near you, I find I have to fight the urge to touch you—to kiss you." And yet he found himself moving nearer still.

"You're not making any sense," she said, a tremble in her voice, and she shook her head.

He stopped, easily close enough to reach out and touch her, and he knew he would if she gave him even the slightest inclination it was what she wanted. "I am afraid if I allow myself to embrace … these feelings I have for you, it will only lead to your suffering. Whether through my failings or my death. If something were to—I'm afraid it might lead to my own suffering. And acknowledging the truth of this feels like a betrayal to Irikah, even though she's been gone for years. Perhaps I am most afraid it is beyond my control." He turned his empty palms up, silently begging her to understand just how helpless he felt. "I kissed you because I want you, but it scares me. Even now, I want you, and it terrifies me."

She chewed on the corner of her lip, searching his gaze. "So, now what?" she asked and then licked her lips. "Are you going to face your fears and be brave or run from me again?"

He gave her a soft smile and surrendered the battle, reaching out to graze his fingertips over her arm from elbow to shoulder as he moved closer. "I want to be brave, siha." His heart thundered in his chest, even harder than a moment before, when her breath hitched, the life he saw in her eyes earlier blazing once more.

"Then show me." Despite the desire filling her eyes, she remained very still, as if she didn't feel certain of his intentions to stay.

Closing what little space remained between them, he cradled the back of her head, using his thumb on her jaw to tilt her face up to him and kissed her. She didn't kiss him back, not right away, but then her lips started to move against his, slow and tentative. Wrapping his other hand around her hip, he tugged at her, determined to see things through, no matter what doubts he must overcome. She moved her arms, a barrier between them, and came closer. Her warmth soaked through his linen clothing as if it weren't even there, filling him with the most marvelous heat. Brushing the tip of his tongue over her bottom lip, he slid it inside to meet hers when she opened her mouth to him, faint traces of alcohol still on her tongue.

Her kiss became more fervent, tongue moving against his with a growing hunger. Despite the fears pushing against the walls of his mind, he refused to listen, instead, letting himself get swept up by the feel of her in his arms. Her hesitancy evaporated completely, hands running over him, leaving hot trails along his chest and frills. He needed more of her, all of her. Wrapping his arm around her waist, he pulled her body flush against him, and when he did, the sound he made brought a throaty hum from her. She slid her hands under his shirt, fingers skirting over his scales as she pushed the cloth up. Letting his lips leave hers, he separated himself from her enough to let her lift the shirt up and off of him.

He watched her, soaking in her beauty as her gaze wandered over him, fingers tracing the patterns of the stripes along his scales. Lifting her face to him, she met his gaze, eyes positively glowing as she pulled him into another kiss only to break it again a moment later. Her hands left him, and she tugged her own shirt off, tossing it to the floor next to his. His breath caught in his throat, gaze sweeping over the expanse of exposed flesh. Things were moving so fast, but he didn't dare slow them down. He wanted her, and he was through resisting. He traced one of the pale, fading scars, forming a path from her shoulder down over the arc of her breast, hardened nipple standing out at the apex, and her chest heaved, raising into his touch.

He knew little about human physiology aside from what it took to kill one, but he had no problem taking his time to explore and learn, trusting her body to tell him what she liked. And just then, her body told him her breasts were indeed a sensitive area. Closing his hand around one, he kneaded the flesh, brushing his thumb across her nipple. He glanced up when she sucked in a breath, finding her lips parted, eyelids fluttering closed. Leaning in, he brushed his lips over her neck and shoulder, starting just below her jaw, the skin so soft and delicate there, so unlike a drell, yet so entirely perfect. She tilted her head, giving him room as he tasted her with tongue and teeth, an approving sound vibrating deep in her throat.

Hands sweeping over him, she traced the curves of his muscles, fingers stopping in their journey to squeeze at him each time his thumb brushed over her nipple or his teeth scraped across her neck. Zeroing in on the most sensitive spot, he trapped her nipple between his fingers, applying a little pressure, and she trembled in his arms in response, gasping and arching her back. She brought her hand to his neck, fingertips exploring the ridges of his frills, pulling a moan from him. It'd been so long, so long since he'd let anyone get close enough to him to touch him in such an intimate manner, a fact his body seemed more than keen to remind him of as fire washed through his veins, engorging him and making skin and muscle ripple beneath his scales at her every touch. Her hips shifted, pressing provocatively against his pelvis and growing erection, making his breath stutter and his heart skip a beat.

Tugging him back to her, she pulled his bottom lip between her teeth before licking it. "Come to bed with me," she said, nipping at his lip again.

Angling herself towards her bed, she started to walk backward, forcing him to choose to either let go of her or follow, and he refused to let go. Now that he had her, he intended to do his best to never let go again. He glanced past her shoulder as she slid her hands down his neck and chest to rest on his hips as she moved, and he used his grip on her to steer them to the side of the bed. She tugged at the waistband of his pants as they walked, fingers slipping past the fabric to squeeze and knead at his hips and backside even as she leaned in to claim his mouth once more.

He stopped when they reached the edge of the bed, letting her shove his pants down over his hips, freeing him to the chill air between them. She leaned back, gaze moving slowly over his body before she reached out, taking his erection in her hand, wrapping her fingers around him, stroking him. He groaned, hand spasming against her hip, head tilting back to the ceiling as his eyes lost focus. Her hand abandoned him, replaced with the heat of her body as she pressed against him, bringing her mouth to his throat, tongue flicking over his frills. Urgency fueling his motions, he tugged at her pants, but they refused to go far, leaving him frustrated enough for a soft growl to tear through his throat. Pulling back, she met his gaze and smirked, eyes bright with her need, and she took his hands in hers, guiding them to the front of her pants, turning down the hem to show him a tied drawstring tucked inside.

Changing places with her, he sat on the edge of the bed, pulling her in front of him and made quick work of the knot, sliding her pants down over her hips and thighs, her heady scent reaching his nostrils as he leaned in to trace a scar along her stomach with his tongue. He eased her legs apart, positioning one on either side of him before pulling first one knee and then the other onto the mattress next to him, sitting her on his lap, bringing her incredible, teasing heat close enough to him to feel her moisture. Her arms wrapped around his neck, and he lowered his head to her chest, pulling one of her nipples into his mouth. Moaning, she arched her back, fingers slipping between the points of his crest, urging him on.

She rocked her hips forward, rubbing against him, slick and soft as silk, and it nearly undid him completely. He wrapped his arms around her back, holding her close as he turned and rolled, bringing her down to the bed, bracing himself above her. He looked down at her, taking in the blush spread out over her chest, neck, and face, the scars crisscrossing and spiraling over her skin and the intensity in her gaze. It occurred to him, though he knew she'd taken lovers in the past, he was quite likely the first since her return from Kalahira's shores. How lonely she must've felt, awaking from death, scared and alone, longing for the comfort of her lover's touch, only to have him turn her away when at last she found him again. He didn't know Kaidan, but he thought the man an utter buffoon, and he'd very nearly made the same disastrous mistake. Perhaps he should instead sing the man's praise, for if he hadn't denied her, then Thane wouldn't be there with her, moments away from losing himself completely inside of her.

Kissing her, he slid his hand between her legs, fingers trailing through thick, coarse hair before finding the warm, wet velvet calling out to him, exploring the delicate folds. She shuddered beneath him, sucking in a gasping breath through her nose, tongue ceasing its movements as she curled herself, rolling her hips back to lift against his hand. His fingers slipped down lower as she moved, revealing a dip, what he thought must be her opening. Prodding gently, he eased a finger inside of her, and she started kissing him again, her lips and tongue moving against his demanding as if she were half-starved—and perhaps she was—and he'd just promised to provide her with her fill.

Ankles locking behind his knees, hands reaching down to tug at his hips and waist, she clung to him, pulling him closer, her desperation washing over him. Removing his finger from her, he took himself in hand, shifting closer as he brought the tip of his erection to her opening, and she lifted her hips again, meeting him, welcoming him inside of her. Tight, wet, and hot … so hot, she surrounded him as he eased himself in, feeling her slowly stretch to accommodate, rolling her hips more to pull him further inside. The ache in his chest alerted him to the fact he'd altogether stopped breathing. Tearing his lips away, he sucked in a breath, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against hers as he took a moment to adjust to the flood of overwhelming sensation.

Her fingers brushed against his cheek, her voice soft and filled with a strange mix of dread and compassion as she said, "Don't be afraid. Don't run from me, Thane."

Bringing his mouth to hers once more, he kissed her, a soft brush of his lips as he pulled back and then eased himself inside of her again. He delighted in the soft whimper it brought from her, savored the feel of her muscles constricting and then relaxing around him. "I'm not going anywhere, siha, not unless you send me away."

Her grip on him tightened, and she moved beneath him, enticing him to quicken his pace. She felt amazing, everything about her, perfect and completely right. He moved within her, soaking in every second, every sensation, burying his face against her neck to taste her skin on his lips. Her hands glided over him, soft caresses and desperate kneading, nails scraping at his scales. She nipped at him, teeth and tongue trailing over his frills, teasing him with their warmth and the suggestion of pain, never quite crossing the line, always remaining delightfully pleasurable in its intensity.

She moaned and writhed, his name tumbling from her lips, soft whispers in his ear. She loved him. She never said it, she didn't need to, he heard it in her voice, felt it in her body's response to him. He loved her, too. He prayed she felt it in the way he touched her, the way his mouth sought hers, the way he clung to her as if she might slip through his fingers. The gods save him, he loved her, too. The hurt he'd seen in her eyes when he'd fled from her taunted him, reminding him of how close he'd come to never having known what it was like to feel her bare chest pressed against his, to feel her wrap herself around him, arching into him. It only added to his fervor, finding he desperately wanted to do anything, everything he could to erase that moment of rejection from both of their minds, completely.

Nothing else mattered but the woman beneath him. Time passed them by, the galaxy spinning, countless people going on with their lives, but just then, none of it mattered. Her breaths came more staggered, her moans of pleasure louder, lasting a little longer. He nipped at her shoulder, trailed his tongue over her throat before closing his teeth ever so gently on the lobe of her ear, palming her breasts, pinching her nipples between his fingers. She tightened around him, incoherent, pleadings and prayers to her god rushing from her lips, urging him on, and he knew she was close. His own release called to him from the horizon, but he pushed it aside, not yet ready to let his time with her end.

The way she pulled at him, it seemed as if she wanted to devour him, merge with him, unite the two of them somehow. If only it such a thing were possible. He thrust into her deeper, harder, faster, giving her as much of him as able. She cried out, body rigid, head thrown back against the pillows. One of the strongest, most powerful, most stunning people in all of the galaxy, with an absolutely beautiful soul, came completely undone in his arms.