Chapter 35:

Saffron was wearing a maroon halter top, leather jacket and a borrowed leopard print mini-skirt she found in Buffy's wardrobe. It was snug, as Buffy was smaller than her, but she wanted to wear it. The Bronze was packed, it was as if nobody else felt debilitating grief and had a couple of destinies scaring them into drinking more than they should. No, in fact Saffron could feel that most of the people around her were happy. Usually this would make her happy too, the feeling, but today she was bitter. She hated them, because they were happy, and she wasn't. She blocked their happiness from her mind and focused on dancing. And drinking. Something caught her attention and she started to walk across the room, focusing on walking in a straight line.

"You've had enough, love" Spike stepped in front of her, before she could stumble over to the bar again. She tried to walk around him but he grabbed her upper arm as she tried to get past him. His firm grip stopped her in her tracks.

"Just get off, Spike. You're no fun tonight!" She turned and shouted into his ear over the music.

"It'll be light soon" He hinted; he had been with her all night. She had barely looked at him twice though.

"Leave then!" She said, struggling from his grip, but he wouldn't let go.

"Will you bloody stop-" He started, trying to stop her wriggling her jacket off and leaving him with it.

"You stop, Spike! I'm having fun!" She shouted, gaining the attention from the rest of the Bronze as they watched her struggling to get away from him. The music had stopped and everyone was staring. A man tried to step in to protect her, but both Saff and Spike glared at him and he reluctantly backed away, muttering 'bitch' as he went. Spike pulled her to a deserted corner, out of the way of curious eyes as the music started up again.

"Doesn't look like fun. Your eyes, they used to sparkle when you smiled" Spike's voice was a whisper, as he looked into her eyes. She just stared back, wincing as she felt what he did before blocking it back out. She whispered something that sounded a lot like an apology before she slipped out of her jacket and ran away from him. He rolled his eyes, looking down at the jacket, before running after her.

He eventually caught up to her in an off license down the road trying to buy bourbon. She hated bourbon.

"Love, you hate bourbon" He said slowly, staring between her and the bottle in her hand. She moved past him, her eyes were almost closed as she walked to the counter.

"Gets you drunk fast" she slurred her words slightly in reply to Spike.

"You're already drunk"

"Drunker… more drunk… drunkest" She shrugged, turning to the cashier and getting her ID out. Cleo was going for the hard stuff today. He had to do something, it hurt him to see her like this.

"She's underage!" Spike shouted at the cashier and ducked away from her glare.

"Is this true, ma'am?"

"Look, I'm British" She slurred, "I'm old enough, believe me"

"Cleopatra?" The cashier asked, staring at her ID unconvinced.

"Call me Cleo" She winked, and when that didn't work, "…Old family name?" she offered, trying her best to be believable. No one had ever questioned the name before. The cashier wasn't buying it. Saff sighed, snatching her ID back and bumping into a snack stand as she left, knocking everything over the floor as she stumbled back outside.

"Wait" Spike said, matching her pace. It wasn't hard she wasn't going very fast.

"Please just leave me alone!" She moved her hand out dramatically as if to shoo him away, "Let me have some space, you're fucking smothering me!"

"Fine. I'll be off then" He shrugged as if this didn't hurt. He lit a cigarette and walked away from her, leaving her stood in the middle of the road by herself. She walked in the opposite direction, not feeling anything either way about Spike's absence. It would probably scare her if she wasn't hammered.

Saffron walked slowly through the streets, not really sure where she was going. Hopefully she would find another liquor store. She stumbled when she didn't notice the kerb and she fell and skinned her knee. She laughed at the blood slowly dripping from the wound, when was the last time she had a scab on her knee? A hand reached out to help her up, she saw double, two hands and she reached for the one she guessed was a real hand. Chipped black nail varnish could be seen and she accepted the hand and hoisted herself up with his help. As she got to her feet she started to mumble something incoherent about her blood and him being a typical vampire, but she was stopped short when she looked at the man's face. It wasn't him. It wasn't Spike.

"Come here, cutie" The man had a shark-toothed smile as he grabbed her upper arm in a vice like grip, not giving her a choice whether to come with him or not. His intentions were bad and she could already see that he was a vampire. She didn't put up a fight, she just followed him to the alley way. He pushed her against the wall and closed in. He stared into her eyes with a cruel, toothy smile.

"Say your prayers"

"Won't help. There's nobody listening anymore" She said flatly.

"Your blood is mine" He said, his eyes boring into hers. This didn't faze her, she continued to stare right back. The vampire appeared confused. This didn't usually happen.

"Try it. I'm poison" She challenged. She continued to look firmly in the vamps eyes, she had left her stake at home. On purpose. The vampire almost shivered himself at her attitude, he'd never come across someone ready to be drained of their blood before. He was actually quite disappointed, he enjoyed it when they begged for their life.

"Ok then, this will probably hurt. A lot" He smiled menacingly, but it faltered at the look on her face. She was staring blankly at him, as if she wanted him to hurry up. Saff closed her eyes, bracing herself. She was ready.

When she opened her eyes again, she was surrounded by a fine powder. Dust. She frowned, checking her hands in case she was holding an accidental weapon. Nope, no weapon. Maybe there hadn't even been a vamp? She could have imagined it. Maybe someone had slipped something into her drink? She sighed, not sure if she was glad the threat had mysteriously combusted. She leant her head back against the brick wall. She stared at the sky for a while before starting to move from her spot. She wanted to find somewhere that was still serving. When she looked back in front of her, someone was there. Another vampire. Her vampire.

"Thought you were putting your feet up in crypt sweet crypt" Saffron said, starting back down the alley as if nothing had just happened. Spike stepped in her way, there was no way she was leaving without something being said.

"You almost let yourself get eaten by that big ugly vamp"

"I had a plan" She said, wiping her watering eyes before they spilled over. She had shocked herself.

"Yeah, eat me up please Mr Vampire was about the bloody extent of it!" He gestured wildly, "If you wanted someone to bite you, I'm the only one you should want to do it. Gave you plenty of chances didn't I?"

"I don't know why I feel like this. I don't want to be… this"

"You're hurting, love. I can see it, almost bloody feel it when you walk into a room it's so strong. Let me help you" He said, willing her to listen.

"I'm so… tired, Spike. Everything's wrong. I can't do it. I can't be good. I can't be strong. I can't handle losing everyone again"

"This ain't the way to go about it, Honeysuckle. The bit's scared half to death about the way you're going and I have to admit, love, after tonight's performance I am too"

"You're scared?" Spike nodded slowly, staring hard into her eyes. The weight of it made her shiver. Or it could be the cold surrounding her that she hadn't noticed before. She walked with him through the streets slowly. Not able to say another word. He was scared. Because of her. That alone had sobered her. Snapped her out of whatever she had been thinking before. Spike shifted the leather duster off his shoulders and draped them around Saff. She shrugged it on, wrapping it around herself as they continued to walk back to Saff's house.

"I'm not giving up on you, honeysuckle" He whispered, kissing her on the temple. When they arrived, she turned and walked down to her room but Spike didn't follow her. Not yet at least. He went to tell Buffy what had happened. He didn't know how to help her and she needed it. Seeing her like this hurt him. Buffy listened. She had to talk to the others. She knew what had to be done.

xoxoxo

Saffron walked slowly upstairs from her basement room. She was feeling horrible, she had been sober for almost 12 hours now and it was killing her. She could feel things she didn't want to feel, she could tell the whole gang was over at Revello again and she sighed, knowing she was going to have to face them all. She had barely seen anyone since her outburst, everyone had been avoiding her. She was embarrassed about what had happened in front of them all, she had shown them how she was really feeling, and she wished she hadn't. By now, Buffy and the others probably knew about the night before. She was going to make some coffee when her thoughts were interrupted by Spike.

"How long have you been here?" She questioned, her voice croaked as she hadn't spoke since she had been home. She was confused as to why he hadn't come to see her.

"Not long" He answered, looking shifty. He didn't quite meet her eyes.

"What's going on?"

"Look, it wasn't my idea" He said, looking backwards at the other room, "I wager it's an American thing, just remember they care, love" He said quietly and Saffron moved past him and walked into the living room where the scoobies had gathered. They were all gathered on one side of the room and a vacant chair had been moved to the front of the room, facing them all. A silence fell as they noticed Saffron had entered, with Spike close behind her.

"What in the fuck is going on in here?!"

"It's kind of an… intervention"

"You know, I had a dream about this, more of a nightmare really" saffron sighed as she sat in the chair that had been reserved for her in the middle of the room, facing the others. Spike didn't stand with the others, he stood closer to Saffron.

"Was-was it a prophetic dream, Saffron?" Giles asked, wondering if her abilities were getting stronger.

"No, but it was a big wake-up call" She laughed as if it was the funniest thing she had ever heard, despite her making the joke herself. The others stared blankly at her and then each other. They thought she had been drinking again and they were worried. Saffron rolled her eyes as she watched them all.

"Your drinking is getting out of control"

"Way out of control" Buffy added, nodding along with the rest of them.

"We all care about you, SP. We know you're only acting out because of, well, everything" Xander said, the way he cared for his friend was clear. The rest of them all nodded again at what he said to show that they felt the same.

"You almost died last night, you need to stop drinking"

"Is that everything? Thanks for the heads up, guys. I'll keep it in mind, plenty of keeping and minding, lots to mull over. I'll be in my room if you need me" She said hurriedly, getting to her feet and heading towards the door she had just entered through. Spike stood in her path and stared into her eyes, pleadingly.

"They're trying to help, pet" Spike said, trying to appeal to her. The others were shocked he was sticking up for them, but Buffy knew it was because this was the best thing for her. She looked at him, and then the rest of them and nodded. She ducked her head slightly and went back to her seat.

"It's not a problem, it's just, uh, to numb everything" She said quietly. The others frowned, not knowing what to do with that information. Why couldn't she just stop?

"That's unhealthy, Saffron. You need help" Giles said, standing up. He was trying his best to fulfil the patriarch role.

"You try feeling everyone's grief and pain so strongly you black out! See how healthy your coping mechanisms would be" She raised her voice slightly and the scoobies flinched, which made her feel bad. She slumped back in her chair and stewed in her guilt.

"Saff, hi" Anya waved after her words, "I was thinking, maybe you could cope by just doing what we all do. Going on like normal. I have some money you can hold for a little while if you like" She smiled and nodded to confirm that she meant it, but Xander gave her a look.

"Thanks, An. I'll keep that helpful advice in mind" She smiled, making sure it wasn't obviously fake, and Anya smiled and whispered something to Xander about Saffron finding her helpful. Saffron dropped her smile as she looked at the others. Willow was annoyed at what Anya had said and Tara was trying to calm her down. Dawn had appeared in the back of the room and wouldn't quite look Saffron in the eye.

"You could always try a 12-step programme"

"I don't need it! Honestly, I'm handling it"

"If by handling it you mean, not handling it in the slightest. Not even at all" Buffy said, and Saff looked at her cousin. She decided something then.

"It's just- after everything…" She started to well up as the others watched. She tried to explain, but there was so much going on in her head.

"We know" Willow said, the first one to get up and walk over to hug her.

"I, uh, I'll try to stop ok?" She said quickly and the others all smiled widely. They took it in turns to hug her, trying to show their support. Dawn stayed at the back of the room, avoiding Saff's eye contact.

Spike followed her down the stairs, firmly holding her hand. He could feel her sorrow and grief surge through him as they kept contact. He wished he could take it all away.

"You ever hear of the phrase, snitches get stitches?" she asked, her hand no longer in his as she walked to sit on her bed. She looked over at him, he had stopped in the doorway, Buffy and the others knew about the vampire the night before somehow. He shrugged, "For your own good, love" he murmured as he went to sit next to her on the end of her bed, adjusting his duster back onto his shoulders.

"Thank you" she whispered, daring to look him in the eye. He moved his head to the side, searching her face, he hadn't expected that. He decided to nod, not sure what she was thanking him for, "I love you, Spike. You could have left when it got bad but you… you stayed"

"Can't get rid of me that easy" He smirked, pulling her onto his lap as she shifted her weight to get comfortable. She rested her head on his shoulder, her face nestled in the crook of his neck, "I'm on your side, love. I'll always be on your side"

"I think you must be the kindest soul, that doesn't have a soul, I've ever met" She said, her face muffled from her position.

They stayed like that wrapping themselves around each other as if their embrace could protect the other from the world outside the room. They didn't speak for a long time until Saffron whispered, "I'm sorry" several times until Spike couldn't help but speak. He needed to understand.

"Why are you doing this, love? Cry for attention or the love of destruction? I can get behind you on that one" he said, in his usual way. Trying to figure her out. He was usually good at it, but apart from her grief which he'd seen before render her unable to function but not as destructive as this, he didn't understand.

"They're better off without me. If I drink and hide and keep away from them then maybe they'll be spared…" She trailed off at Spike's confused look. He was looking at her as if she had gone mad, "Stage two" She added flatly. She was speaking as if it was obvious, resting her head back on his shoulder. He frowned, speaking the words to himself.

"What are you buggering on about?"

"Parents… Joyce… Hayley. It's a test. Taken to prove I'm the pure of heart or what-the-fuck-ever"

"That's not right, pet. The best thing you can do is live" He said slowly, hoping his words were getting through, "I can't be losing you, Honeysuckle"

"It's so… hard" She sobbed, wrapping her arms around him tighter, bringing herself closer to him as he did the same for her.

"Live. One of us should at least" He whispered, kissing her forehead softly.

"How can I when they never had a chance?"

"Stay with me?" He asked, offering his crypt for her but she shook her head as he got up, "Alright then. I'll be back tomorrow night" He paused, looking at her before he left.

xoxoxo

Saffron made a decision. She was wearing a button-up cardigan that nobody had ever seen before. It was bottle green and she was wearing a long, dark skirt. She accessorised with a pearl necklace and her usual hoops had been replaced with pearl studs. Her hair was down and she had a black, velvet alice band in. Never any half-measures. The others had all had to do a double take when they saw her in her outfit. She explained that she decided to be more clean-cut, try this thing properly. She told them she was quitting both the alcohol and the cigarettes.

"For real this time" she insisted. The others had all joined her in the living room. Everyone had been taking it in turns staying with her since the intervention two days before.

"Let's have a soda party"

"I don't think anyone's up for a party"

"A respectful soda gathering of support... for SP" Xander amended. They looked at Saffron, to see if that was something she would want. They were trying to help her the best they could. She had refused to go and see anyone professionally, but she did seem willing to stop the drinking. She nodded and smiled at the group as they smiled at her. Buffy went to find some soda for them to have.

"But I'll just be sticking to water" She shook her large plastic bottle and then smiled and curtseyed the way she used to which made the rest of the room have faith in her. She felt nauseous then. She excused herself and went to the bathroom. She threw up. A lot. She couldn't bear them having that hope. She felt horrible for everything. Not only had Joyce died, she had made them worry about her through their grief. She stared at herself in the mirror. She didn't like the girl that was staring back. Her washed out face couldn't be hidden with any amount of makeup. All she could see was guilt plastered across her face. She splashed her face with some water, tried to breathe deeply and took a sip from her water bottle to try and calm her down.

8p.m: When she returned, the others all had soda in their hands. She smiled at them when she came in and she could feel their eyes on her even when she had sat down. She looked around the room, they all had their eyes on her as if they were expecting something.

"What do you want, a speech? Drink your pop and mind your own conversations" She smiled at the group and they smiled fondly, that hope gave her a sickness again, but she managed to ignore it. She took another deep breath, had another sip from her bottle and tried to relax.

10p.m: She had been sat on the sofa while the others had conversations around her, they tried to include her and she tried her best to join in. She noticed she was never left alone, one person was always with her and she sighed and got up to walk to the kitchen. Xander followed her in and she rolled her eyes. Dawn was stood by the sink, talking to Willow who watched Saff from the corner of her eye as she walked in. Saff walked over to Dawn and dropped her voice slightly.

"Now I know why you're such a nuisance, Dawny, being constantly watched is a pain in the neck and believe me, I know all about that. My vampires a boyfriend" She chuckled and took another large gulp from her water bottle.

"Huh?" Dawn scrunched up her nose and looked to her cousin to elaborate but she just smiled and focused on walking back to sit on the sofa in the living room. They had games like monopoly and life set up and videos stacked in the corner as back up, in case anyone got bored of the board games.

"Saff, you want a refill?" Buffy asked, pointing to her water bottle that was almost empty.

"Not unless you have a mixer" She slurred slightly but smiled cheerily. Buffy squinted, not really sure what she meant. She shrugged and smiled back, it was probably a joke about drinking. Saff liked to joke when she was uncomfortable, Buffy knew this.

1a.m: It was late now, they had tired all of the games to keep Saffron distracted. The conversation in the room turned to people sharing stories of their first kisses. Willow explained she had two, a boy and a girl one. Saff smiled at her and thought something she didn't realise she also said out loud.

"Who hasn't kissed a girl?" Saffron said loudly, cutting across everyone's conversation. The others turned to stare at her in disbelief, but Saffron shrugged and took a large drink from her bottle, not sure why the room was staring at her. She had revealed more than she realised. Willow looked from Saff to the water bottle.

"Hey, Saffy, can I have sip of that water?" Willow asked, she knew something was up with her. Everyone else had too, but they didn't want to admit it to themselves. They wanted to trust her. Will made a grab for the bottle and the two girls struggled.

"No. Get off, Will!" Saffron shouted desperately, the rest of the room just watched. Willow successfully managed to get the water bottle out of her hands but ended up spilling most of it over the floor. However, the clear liquid wasn't water as she had been pretending.

"Vodka" Willow whispered, as the others started to stand up. Saffron started to feel the anger as if each of them were stabbing her with spears from across the room. She screwed her eyes up and told it to stop, and the feeling soon left again. She felt the lukewarm nothingness consume her again, the numb feeling she had been aiming for was finally back.

"What the fuck, Saffron?" Buffy stood up and put her hands on her hips, from the look on her face she seemed mad.

"Oh no, she's swearing and not using my nickname. She's big mad… big bad mad" She laughed at her own joke and looked around the room for support. Everyone was upset still. She rolled her eyes, "Like you're all so perfect" She stated, looking each of them in the eyes. She took the pearls from around her neck and chucked them on the floor.

"Saffron, why are you doing this?" Giles asked, trying to stay level headed. She sighed. Here it goes.

"Why not, G?" She asked, "We can't all rely on hanging around with people a lot younger than us, clinging to that last thread of relevance" Giles shook his head, disappointed with her and wiped his glasses.

"Hey, leave the G-man. You're hurting, we get that. You can rely on us, SP" Xander stood in front of her, but Saffron had already made up her mind. She had hurt him, but she was one of his closest friends. He cared about her. However, Saffron was on a one-way ticket to isolation and this was the perfect chance to start.

"You think I see you as a brother really? Well I don't. I see you as a pathetic excuse for a man struggling with his existence in a world where you're the one that needs to be constantly saved by a girl" She bit back at him. She decided severing all her ties from the group was what she had to do.

"Saffy we wanna help you" Willow said and Tara nodded in agreement. Tara tried to touch her shoulder to comfort her but she shrugged it off, taking off her cardigan and throwing it into the middle of the room.

"Glinda the good witch, so much better and more powerful than us all. So why don't you use any of it? I hear about all this power but where the fuck is it, Will? If you care so much, magic me better. Magic the prophecy onto someone else, fucking do something" Saffron screamed, she had been more vulnerable than she had wanted, but Willow was too hurt to realise what Saff was really feeling. "Why won't you do anything?" She repeated as she saw a tear rolling down willow's cheek.

"That's enough" Buffy said firmly.

"Roll up, roll up! It's the girl of the hour, everyone! The chosen one! Here to provide a fun pep talk about how skipping through a meadow and all sticking together will make it all better. Well, news flash, cuz, it won't. The only one you're fooling is yourself" She pushed her cousins shoulder, the amount she had drunk becoming obvious to the group as she stumbled herself rather than her movement affecting Buffy.

"Saff, can you hear yourself? Is that what you really think of us all?" Buffy tried to appeal to her cousin again, hoping that if they managed to get her off the drink long enough she would return to normal. But Saffron had other plans.

"I've been falling into that pit of darkness since I can remember and you're all suffering because of it. So don't start telling me about sticking around and getting through this" Saffron stalked to the liquor cabinet and saw that it was completely empty. Had they taken it all? Or had she drunk it?

She sighed but remembered something. She ran to the kitchen cupboard and moved a few pans around. She found the bottle of cooking wine. The others had followed her and tried to take it off her but she just stalked past them.

"Don't even think about following me. You think I want you-you freaks coming near me?" She shouted behind her and slammed the front door shut. She made it to the mailbox before she heard her cousin shouting.

"Saff! Saff, don't go!" Dawn shouted and ran out after her cousin. Saffron sighed, she didn't want to do this. She needed Dawn to distance herself from her. She needed Dawn to stay away and stay in the protection of the slayer. This was for her own good, she told herself, not quite convincing herself.

"Remember that diary entry you wrote about me Dawny? The one where you describe me as good cop? Well now there is no fucking good cop. There's only a seer who can't see shit except the bottom of a bottle and a slayer who's so far up her own arse that she's been put in the Guinness book of fucking world records"

"I know Buffy can be way annoying, I'm totally with you on that. But… we need you" Dawn asked, her pleading hurt Saffron more than anything the others had said. Was she going to do this?

"Fuck off Dawn, you're not my cousin. You're just a ball of light and chain around my ankle" She shouted, took a large drink from her bottle and stormed away, fighting the tears in her eyes.

xoxoxo

Saffron returned at sunrise, her makeup smeared across her face and her clothes were ripped. She couldn't really remember where she had been, all she could remember was fighting to forget and stop feeling everything. But by sunrise, she knew she had to go back and shower and maybe find something to eat. Nobody should be in, so she entered through the front door. She rolled her eyes when she saw a very tired slayer waiting for her to come back.

"Where did you go?"

"What do you care?"

"You know I care. I'll never stop caring, Saff. We're family"

"Consider this me severing the family ties then, Buffy dearest" Saffron imitated scissors cutting with her fingers before adding, "I'm only back for some clothes and a shower"

"Where's your shoe?" Buffy asked, looking between Saff's feet. One had her usual combat boot on, the other was just a stripy green sock. Saffron looked down to check and then shrugged. Buffy continued, "We know how much you're hurting, but we're hurting too. Let us help you"

"Does the softly softly approach ever work on people? I didn't think slayers ever went in for that anyway" Saffron smiled and tried to pass Buffy on the stairs but she blocked her path.

"Can't you feel what you've done to everyone?"

"Blocked it out" She smiled sadly and rubbed her head. She was sobering up and started to feel twinges of pain and sadness. Dawn.

"Stop being so selfish" Buffy continued, but Saffron was too distracted by the horrible sadness coming from upstairs.

"Dawn's in?"

"She couldn't go to school. What did you say to her?" Buffy hissed. Saffron didn't want to remember, not that she could. All she remembered is that she made sure nobody would want her around them anymore. "Where did you go last night? I even went to Spike's crypt and we both went looking for you. Together" buffy added.

"Did hell finally freeze over? Guess I'd better pack my mittens"

"We need you, even Spike. Come back to us." Buffy pleaded, looking into her cousin's blank eyes. Something was seriously wrong and she wanted to help her, despite everything she had done.

"I-I can't" She whispered, unsure if Buffy heard.

"Snap out of it, Saffron" Buffy said harshly, knowing the soft approach really wasn't working.

"Stop pretending you care about anything but yourself, Buffy. You're just annoyed I'm not playing my usual role" She replied, before adding, "You've only ever seen Dawn as a bright, glowing green thorn in your side. And me? The English freak that follows you round and holds your coat and gets kidnapped while you try to save the world" Buffy was lost for words. She finally realised she had completely lost her cousin. "I'm better off out of it. Tell G he can stick his prophecy" Saffron said coldly. Shivers ran down Buffy's back at her words. Saffron turned and left without her shower.