"For the last time, Sirius, I cannot let the Gryffindors off their homework so that they can practice Quidditch," said McGonagall exasperatedly. "I can only do that right before matches, for the classes with the players who need the most help, and then sparingly."
Sirius frowned. "But surely you can make exceptions. Harry's class is already past their OWLs, and he could use the extra time. He hasn't been on a broomstick since the beginning of last year, remember? Umbrige banned him as soon as she could find an excuse."
"I know that. But he'll have to manage during regular training sessions-"
McGonagall was cut off by a very red-faced, very out-of-breath student sprinting through her office door. She raised her eyebrows.
"Is there a problem, Mr. Weasley?"
"No..." panted Ron, "I mean, yes… I mean…" He glanced at Sirius quickly for a second before looking back to McGonagall, still gasping for air. "You're a girl, right?"
The Transfiguration teacher's eyebrows went even higher. "Excuse me?"
"I need advice." Ron's wheezing had subsided by now, and he watched her desperately. "I need girl advice."
Sirius quickly masked his snort of laughter with a cough. McGonagall look fairly shocked for a moment. She recovered quickly enough, however.
"Girl advice," she repeated incredulously.
"Yes. See there's this girl, and I kind of don't know what to say around her, and I was wondering if…" he trailed off, looking extremely apprehensive.
"Ron, I think I'd be in a better position to help you there," Sirius intervened proudly. "I was always good with girls when I was your age."
McGonagall looked at him sharply. "That was only because of your good looks. You're nowhere near sensitive enough to actually keep a girlfriend. Weasley, I will give you 'girl advice' on the sole condition that you do not turn to him for it."
Ron nodded anxiously. "Okay."
"Sit down." McGonagall drew up a chair with her wand. "This may take a while."
Sirius was grinning at her, waiting to see what girl advice she could possibly have up her sleeve. "Yes, it may," he all but cackled.
"Sirius, I think it would be most efficient if you would leave the room."
"What?" He made a fruitless attempt to look innocent. "But-"
"Please leave."
He stared at her defiantly for a second, then picked himself up and started to go, defeated. Before he left the room, he turned around. "Just let me say this. Ron, mate, if she tells you to stand a girl up at the Three Broomsticks in effort to make yourself look more popular, don't do it. I tried that one once, and trust me, girls are dangerous." Then he stepped out the door and closed it firmly behind him.
McGonagall pulled her chair a little closer to the desk. "Now, Weasley, the first thing you must know is that you have to be sensitive. You must constantly be in tune to what she is feeling, and when you're together, your complete attention must be focused upon her. Sirius Black is not a good example for this."
"I heard that!" The office door swung open again and Sirius bounded back into the room. "That wasn't sensitive, you know."
McGonagall gave him a reproachful glare. Ron was gazing between the two of them, clearly wondering if he was ever going to get his girl advice. But Sirius had just gotten a spark in his eye, which was probably not good.
"You know, Professor, I bet a lot of Hogwarts boys would be grateful for some good girl advice. I bet a lot of them would jump at the chance, if you gave it to them."
"What are you on about?" she asked slowly. "Sirius Black, are you suggesting…?"
"Yep," he nodded happily, "I'm suggesting you offer a class on females' minds and how they work. Girls need not attend." He paused while Ron watched apprehensively. "Oh, it wouldn't be mandatory, of course. That would be ridiculous. It would be just an optional, voluntary class during the evenings, almost like a club."
She was considering him carefully. She looked at Ron, whose glance was darting between her and Sirius. "You think this is a good idea, Weasley?" she asked.
"Er, yeah," he stuttered, "yeah, lots of people would come. I know a lot of people who would want to hear this…"
McGonagall thought for a few minutes. It was absurd, completely absurd. Yet as a teacher, she was sorely tempted by the way Ron had been watching her so alertly. A whole class of such attentive students was an exhilarating thought, a treat the likes of which she had never dreamed.
"Alright," she heard herself say, and wondering if she were loosing her mind. "I'll do it."
A/n: Yes, I'm perfectly aware that Sirius is not supposed to be alive and thinking about Quidditch. Deal with it.