Chapter 15: The Silence of a Crypt
Thane hummed as he prepared the cinuela, the soft shuffle of feet against the metal of the floor alerting him to her presence moments before he felt a disturbance in the air behind him. Instinct and training tightened his muscles, preparing him for the flurry of action necessary to defend himself, but instead, he willed himself to calm. Hands slid around his waist, Shepard's scent reaching his nostrils as she pressed her chest and face to his back.
He smiled, putting the lid back on the canister of dried herbs and turned off the heat beneath the kettle. Settling his hand over hers, he rubbed his thumb back and forth over her wrist. "Good morning, siha."
"Morning," she muttered, sleep-filled words muffled against his back.
After a moment, he turned in her grasp, wrapping his arms around her and met her gaze. "I'd intended to bring breakfast up to the cabin for you. Shall we eat down here instead? It appears much of the crew still sleeps, though I suspect they will wake soon."
She hummed, and then took a deep, reluctant sounding breath. "If we go back upstairs, I'm not going to want to come down again anytime soon. Some days, I wish we could just stay up there. Put this whole mission and the rest of the galaxy on pause and just take a few days to ourselves."
Smiling, he leaned in and rested his forehead against hers. "As do I. Perhaps, when our mission is complete, we'll have such an opportunity. We can rent a place on the Citadel, somewhere near Kolyat, and stay there as long as you like."
"That sounds wonderful … but I doubt I'll be able to steal more than a few days before the Council or the Alliance send me off to handle one problem or another." She huffed, breath smelling of mint. "As if I don't already have my work cut out for me trying to make them see reason about the reapers and getting the galaxy ready for the biggest war any of us have ever seen."
"Indeed." He closed his eyes a moment, dread tightening his chest. "Siha, when this mission is over … as much as I would like to help you with all that you must face …."
"Shh," she said, reaching up and cupping his face. "I know, Thane. You need to spend time with your son, and you'll need to be where you can get proper medical care now that you've put yourself on the implant lists." Gently pushing against his cheek, she urged him back to meet her gaze. "It's good you'll be on the Citadel. I'll be able to stop in and see you far more often, and we'll stay in touch through vid calls when I'm away."
"I wish we didn't have to be apart." He brought a hand up and brushed stray hairs away from her eyes. "I love you, Jane. And I … when I'm no longer by your side, I hope you will turn to Garrus when your thoughts become dark and you begin to question yourself. He cares about you, and I believe he'd do everything within his power to help you feel whole again. You have many people who care for you and would gladly help you, if you let them know you are suffering."
Her smile seemed placating, but she held his gaze and said, "I promise."
"Thank you, siha." He leaned in and kissed her, holding her lip chastely between his own for a moment.
He chose to trust her; needed to believe she spoke the truth. Otherwise, he feared the dark, nearly black bruises surrounding the bite marks he'd left along her neck and shoulders the night before—doing as she bid of him, giving her the pain she sought as they made love—would prove to be only the first of many wounds deliberately inflicted in her quest to feel alive. He told himself it was better for her to come to him with the desire than to take matters into her own hands; he was more than skilled enough, controlled enough, to ensure he caused her no true harm. He wasn't certain she'd be composed enough if she ever decided to take matters into her own hands.
Oh, he didn't expect her to ask Garrus to do the same for her, nor did he want Garrus or anyone else, for that matter, to touch her in such an intimate way. And yes, the act was intimate. Even had they not been making love, even if he'd used a blade instead of his teeth to pierce her skin, there was something profoundly intimate about creating pain to fulfill her needs. An act of love; a gift bought with pieces of his soul …. Still, he hoped if she shared her thoughts and fears with Garrus, perhaps their friendship would be enough to help her hold the urges at bay.
At least until she returned to Thane once more.
"There's something I need to do … somewhere I need to go." Shepard sat on the edge of the couch, hands pinned between her knees. "I've been putting it off for awhile, but I—I think I need to do this."
Thane watched as she struggled to put words to the nightmare she faced. She'd talked to him about it earlier in the day, hands trembling, voice quavering, and it seemed just as difficult for her to tell Garrus of her intentions to visit the crash site of the old Normandy—alone. The thought of her walking the snow-covered ruins with no one there to offer her strength or comfort turned his stomach. She was quite adamant, however. He didn't dare argue the matter with her because he knew it'd only make the entire thing more painful and had no real potential to change her mind.
Humming, mandibles flicking and fluttering, Garrus leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. "I'm listening."
She licked her lips, breath shallow, fear haunting her eyes. "The Alliance put together a monument for the Normandy. The old Normandy." Shifting, she raised her knees until only the balls of her feet rested on the floor and began bouncing her right leg. She stopped when Thane rested a hand on her thigh and gave him a brief, strained smile before turning her attention back to Garrus. "They want me to take it to Alchera and place it with the wreckage."
Fighting the urge to frown, Thane took a quiet, slow, deep breath. He wished she'd reconsider. A part of him hoped Garrus might make her see reason. Perhaps if she knew others were concerned, too ….
Garrus glanced at Thane and let out a low rumble before shifting his gaze to Shepard. "Do you … do you think that's a good idea?"
"I don't know." She folded her shoulders inward and held them there a moment. "But it's something I need to do, and I need to do it alone. At least when I first go down. I thought maybe you and Tali would want to be there, though, when the monument's actually installed."
Garrus hummed and scratched the bandages covering the side of his face. "I don't think you should go down there alone. It's going to be hard to see the Normandy like that, hmmm, and I'm not sure—"
"You don't think I can handle it." She smiled again, no less strained than the last one. "He hasn't said it," she said, shaming Thane as her gaze flicked to him and back again, "but he doesn't think so, either. And maybe I can't, but I still need to do this on my own."
Thane stood in the elevator next to Miranda, waiting for EDI to secure the hangar and open the doors. He felt irritated, restless, but more than anything, he felt afraid. Afraid of the condition he'd find Shepard in when she stepped off the shuttle, having returned from Alchera's surface. He didn't correct her when she'd told Garrus that Thane didn't think she could handle going down alone because they both knew it'd be a lie.
Unfortunately, he was right.
Garrus contacted the Normandy shortly after he and Tali reached the surface with the monument and installation crew. He'd found Shepard sitting in the snow, staring blankly at the wreckage, a pile of dog tags and data pads at her side, and her old, badly damaged N7 helmet clutched in her hand. Though conscious, she wouldn't respond to either him or Tali, so Garrus picked her up from the snow and carried her to her shuttle. He was bringing her back to the ship, but Tali agreed to stay behind and oversee the installation of the monument on Shepard's behalf.
Miranda let out an irritated sigh and folded her arms over her chest. "She never should have gone down there alone."
"I don't disagree," Thane said, glancing at the Cerberus operative, "but it was her decision to make." He prayed she'd allow the conversation to end there. He wasn't particularly in the mood to discuss the wisdom of Shepard's choices. Certainly, he didn't wish to hear Miranda speak harshly about the woman he loved, especially knowing Shepard was in pain.
"It was a poorly made decision." She huffed, crossing her arms tighter.
Hands tucked behind his back, he balled one into a fist, squeezing tightly for a moment before releasing it again, relieving some of his tension. "Perhaps." He turned his attention back to the doors as they began to slide open.
Miranda moved out ahead of him, rushing toward the shuttle as it settled onto the hangar floor. Thane followed, taking long, measured strides. The door to the shuttle lifted, and before anyone could exit, Miranda stepped inside. He pressed his lips together, annoyed to find his access to Shepard suddenly blocked by the operative. He tried peering past her, but all he saw were bits and pieces of his siha's armor and the look of worry-fueled agitation on Garrus' face.
The sound of the elevator door drew Thane's attention, and he glanced over his shoulder to find Dr. Chakwas hurrying toward the shuttle. The sight of the older woman helped relax him, just a fraction, knowing she held Shepard's trust and would undoubtedly act in Shepard's best interest. He stepped out of her way, watching as she climbed into the shuttle and gently nudged Miranda aside. Feeling utterly useless, Thane backed further away and began pacing.
Long seconds stretched into eternal minutes before, finally, they began to exit the shuttle. Thane turned, hands hanging limply at his sides but ready to assist in whatever way needed. He'd thought he'd prepared himself, but the utter vacancy in Shepard's eyes, even as her gaze swept past him, shattered his heart.
"We should keep her under observation in the Med Bay; at least until morning," Miranda said, moving into Shepard's side to help steady her as they led her toward the elevator.
"Please," Thane said, moving closer, "allow me." He extended his arm, demanding as much as offering to take over for the Cerberus operative.
Miranda glanced his way and nodded, allowing him to take her place at Shepard's side. He slid his arm around Shepard's waist and pulled her weight against his side; she didn't even turn her head to look at him. Garrus hummed, following just behind them, both his and Shepard's helmets tucked under his arm. The scarred helmet he'd spoken about in his report remained clenched tightly in Shepard's right fist.
"I don't believe that will be necessary," Dr. Chakwas said, looking at Thane before shifting her gaze to Miranda. "She's had an emotional shock. I think the more familiar, comfortable surroundings of her cabin will be beneficial for her while she processes and recovers. EDI can monitor her vitals, and I'm sure Thane won't mind staying with her through the night."
"Not at all." As if they could keep him from her side either way.
"I'll stick around, too." Garrus fluttered his mandibles when Thane looked his way. "At least for a little while."
Thane dipped his head to the turian, grateful his siha had a friend who cared about her so much.
He knelt on the floor in front of her after guiding her to sit on the edge of her bed. He tried to capture her gaze, wanted her to see him, but she just stared, dazed and at nothing.
"See if you can get her out of her armor." Garrus opened her closet, shoved a few things around, and pulled out her bathrobe. "She turned her suit's internal heaters off, her core temperature dropped to hypothermic levels." He carried the robe over and tossed it on the bed next to Shepard. "Her implants are the only reason she's alive," he said, his final words coming out thick and raspy on a growl. "I don't know what she was thinking, or if she was trying …. Hmm."
"No," Thane said, easing the damaged N7 helmet from her grasp and handing it to Garrus. "She doesn't want to die; she wants to feel alive."
When he turned his attention back, ready to start on her armor as Garrus suggested, he found tears silently streaming down her face. Though her gaze remained vacant, there was the smallest spark swirling through the emerald of her eyes. Just a hint of her soul, fighting to reassert itself in the present. Abandoning the clasps of her armor, he cupped her face and used his thumb to brush away the tears.
"Pain," he said, struggling to keep his voice neutral as he spoke to Garrus, "is one of very few things which makes her feel alive now." He swallowed, tears threatening his own eyes as he realized just how cold her skin felt against his scales. Despite being in a heated shuttle on her return to the Normandy, she remained as cold as death. "It was all she had to hold on to down there. The only way she knew to convince herself she wasn't truly a corpse buried in the wreckage." He should've insisted, argued, bargained, pleaded … whatever it took to convince her not to go alone.
"Spirits." The whispered word sounded as much like an appeal to Garrus' ancestors as it did an idle phrase spoken by the man as he struggled to comprehend what he saw before his very eyes.
"Jane, look at me." Thane brushed his thumb across her cheek once more. "Be here with me, siha."
His heart thundered against his sternum when her gaze shifted. She looked at him, fog slowly lifting from her eyes only to be replaced by her ghosts. Fresh tears welled on her lower lids before spilling over. Pushing himself up higher on his knees, he pressed their foreheads together and held her there while using his free hand to search out the clasps of her armor.
"I'll get them," Garrus said, voice soft and nonintrusive before his gloved fingers brushed Thane's aside.
Surrendering the task to the turian's insistence, Thane cradled her head between both hands, instead. She took a shuddering breath and squeezed her eyes closed, and her body began trembling with sobs. He started to hum, the same soft, slow lullaby he'd used to calm her before. Garrus reached between them, sliding her breastplate away from her chest before moving on to the rest.
Somehow, with Garrus' help, he'd managed to get her stripped down to her undergarments and wrapped in her robe before depositing her beneath the covers. After, Garrus went to the kitchen and returned with a warm meal and hot tea. He'd set the tray on the table next to her, but then when she didn't take the initiative to eat, he moved it to her lap. Sitting on the edge of the bed next to her, he'd picked up her fork and placed it in her hand while informing her that if she didn't eat, he'd call Councilor Anderson and ask the former Alliance captain to make it an order.
Under different circumstances, it might've amused Thane for the ploy to have worked. Just then, he was only appreciative of Garrus' quick wit and solid grasp of what motivated Shepard most. Garrus had long since left them to the silence and dim light of the cabin, but she still hadn't spoken a single word. Thane supposed she didn't really need to, yet he wished she would.
Despite her body temperature having returned to normal, she shivered as she clung to him in bed, buried beneath several blankets. He suspected she no longer felt cold, the shivering nothing more than a reflection of her emotional state, but the added warmth of the extra bedding didn't bother him in the slightest. He'd leave the blankets where they were until she no longer wanted them there.
"It was so quiet down there," she said, voice barely audible but drawing his complete attention. "The silence of a crypt. She was … broken. Completely shattered, the pieces thrown all around. Buried in the snow. But then there were these … these remnants still intact. The Mako, crates, terminals … just pieces of my life, scattered about. This massive, beautiful, cutting edge ship was reduced to nothing but tattered, twisted chunks of metal and ceramic … a lot of people died, but there were fucking crates that held together?"
He didn't know what to say, so he said nothing, only tightened his grip on her and pulled her closer. His heart ached. He wanted so badly to make things better for her, and for a time, it seemed as if he was succeeding. She laughed and smiled more and more over the first few weeks as they spent time together. There'd been so much light and life in her eyes when he'd succumbed to his feeling for her and they made love for the first time.
He feared Alchera may have changed it all.
"Cerberus made a brand new ship, so much like the old Normandy, but better. Upgraded, with all new parts. There's nothing in this ship that was ever actually a part of the last one." She took a deep breath, held it a moment, and then exhaled slowly. "How do I really know the same isn't true for me? How can," she said, her voice cracking and giving out with a whimper before she continued, "how can I really be me?"