Chapter 46:

A/N: I've changed my name here and on ao3 as I wasn't sure what I wanted to be called and turns out, it isn't mushroom lol!

This is my take on once more with feeling (I think the original was great, and I couldn't add anything to it so I've done my own version that fits in with my storyline) xoxo

He walked through the house slowly behind the redhead. He smiled around the house, it seemed so homely. It was as if he had stepped into an American teen movie and shuddered at the thought, he could feel the cringe-factor just by walking through the house. It was nothing like where he grew up and he found himself hating her more for it. He followed her into the kitchen, he could feel past emotions as he went. Sex and anger was thick in the air and it made him smile wide. The misery that has torn through this home was delicious and he knew it would be easy to carry out his plan.

"I have to say, this is a charming home. How on Earth did you manage to afford it, darling?"

"That's, um, a really long story. Plenty of subplots, there just isn't the time" Willow rushed, "D-do you have it?" Willow asked, her anticipation a slap in his face. He smiled at this. Addict.

"Oh, no foreplay? It's as if you dressed the set of Sabrina the teenage witch, sweets" He drew out his words, staring around the room.

"Lee, come on, I need to try the spell"

"How much do you need it?" He moved to her and cornered her between the counter. Willow's eyes widened in horror as she realised what he meant.

"It's just girls now, Lee. I know you like men and women, well, that's what you said at the meetings but I'm only inviting you in for the magics. Just the harmless magics" Her words fell out of her mouth in a panic and he stared at her for a moment, before backing off.

"Mm, harmless" He said smiling, "I apologise for assuming, darling" he bowed his head slightly.

"So, uh, can I take a look?" Willow said reaching for the aged paper in his hands. The spell was powerful and she really needed to try it. She had outgrown the levitation and protection spells.

"Careful" He said, shrugging. Offering her the paper.

"Do you want to try it with me?"

"What kind of offer is that?"

"Platonic" Willow said too quickly. He shook his head, asking the directions to the bathroom instead. He swept out of the room, walking straight down into the basement instead. It was water damaged and he frowned when he saw it was mostly empty except some furniture not even Saff or Buffy could move and some soggy posters. He shrugged and took a small object out of his pocket, fixing it to the wall between one of her bookshelves that remained intact. He went up the steps two at a time and called his goodbye to Willow.

Willow was sat in the kitchen, grinding a powder out of the ingredients that were listed on the paper. She sprinkled it in front of her and started to draw the patterns and symbols needed for the spell. She heard in a meeting at her college that Lee wanted to make more friends that did magics and that's how their friendship had started a year ago. Tara had met him once before, but she didn't trust him so never went to the meetings with her again. Willow had collected trinkets from each of the Scoobies and laid them in a circle on the corners of the symbols.

"This is the bond, the bond of power. Let these idols mark our hearts, the place where love and loss have signed our fate. The power of trust is hard to break, our hearts and minds are ours to make but let us come as one. Each of us must bare our souls. Let the truth out, let the truth settle the cracks" Willow spoke with clarity, her eyes went black as she held her hands high, reciting the words. In her mind, a bonding spell for the group.

Dawn was choreographing a dance routine to the pop song of the week. She had borrowed Saff's cd player, knowing Saff would be annoyed at her for playing pop music on it and dipped the spoon she was pretending was a microphone into a large bucket of ice cream every now and again. She knew Willow wouldn't mind as long as she didn't have the music too loud.

Buffy was briskly walking out of a darkened back alley, wrapping her jacket around her as she looked around consciously. She flattened her hair down, some of it had come out of place. She sighed, taking the stake from her pocket and hurriedly leaving that side of town.

Anya and Xander were eating dinner together, Anya was admiring her ring and Xander was admiring her. They ate and Anya washed up, before playing 'sexy monopoly' a game they had invented where sexual favours were traded for rent.

Giles and Tara were sat in the Magic Box after hours. Tara was unaware that Willow had cast a spell to make her forget their recent arguments. They were reading over some aged papers, looking in vain for anything about a cold feeling between two people. The most they had found was that the pair had a connection, which was obvious. But why the cold?

Saff and Spike were in their crypt. Saffron was petting the kitten, stroking her and saying how cute she was. Spike was watching with a frown, he couldn't hide his jealousy of how much attention she was paying the cat. "Why do I have to bloody compete for affection with Angel everywhere I go?" He muttered as Saffron rolled her eyes, leaving a saucer of milk for the cat. She came back over and leaned to wrap her arms around Spike's neck as she made sure to give him her undivided attention.

None of them saw sparks flying around them as Willow's spell started to work its magic.

The Order of the Eye was abuzz with excitement as the members all chanted, holding their hands to their eyes and swaying in time together. It was as if they moved as one, in his honour. Oleander smirked around the room, the chanting fading as he started to speak.

"The truth shall out and not one shall be relieved, let the cracks widen between the honeysuckle and her roots. Say it again, children, once more with feeling…" His voice rang through the hall he was sat in, surrounded by his devoted followers. His followers all laughed along with him as he waited for the spell to take effect.

xoxoxo

Saff had felt unusual since early evening. Spike decided she was restless and had offered for them to find something to dust. He had been itching for a fight himself and his girl definitely needed the practice. It had been going well, that was until a group of demons had jumped them, armed with planks of wood they had used to unceremoniously whack Spike in the face with. Saffron had managed to dust three and the rest had sunk to the floor in pain when she had gotten mad at them beating Spike up. They had scurried away from the pair when they realised that the girl held too much power. Spike had told her she couldn't rely too much on her little party trick and she had assured him she hadn't known that she was doing it, but he was lucky that she had. She was still trying to get it under control, much to Giles' annoyance. He had expected her to make time for him every day for both training, researching and practising her emotion-control but with Anya now running the Magic Box, it was mostly work work work when she was on her shift.

Saff was in one of Spike's black patterned shirts, lazily buttoned up as she straddled him, her pale thighs on either side of his lap. His hand was on one of her thighs, squeezing tightly every now and again and his other hand was balled into a fist, clutching the backrest of the couch. Saffron was concentrating, a tiny frown on her face as she clutched her tweezers and went back in while he had his eyes closed.

"Ow! Bloody Hell, love!" He said, almost throwing her off his lap in protest. She was trying to remove the wooden splinters from his face where he had been hit by the plank of wood. One hand was on the side of his face, angling it up to the light of the lamp beside them so she could see what she was doing. Her hand, although setting him in place, was also providing what was supposed to be a calming influence except the vampire wouldn't stop making a fuss.

"Will you stop fucking squirming!"

"I don't know if you can bloody tell, but it fucking pinches!"

"Yeah, because you're moving! I'm grabbing skin instead of the wood! Stay still" He glared at her from his position, she rolled her eyes and he closed his eyes again. Wincing and trying to move his head away from her because of the pain from taking out the splinter.

She finally managed to remove all of the wooden splinters from his brow bone, much to Spike's relief. She kissed the place she had been working on softly and stroked his brow sympathetically as he dramatically exhaled. She offered him a plaster but he shook his head, rolling his eyes. Not bloody likely.

"How about you put something on the box and I'll fix you an old English cure for the pain" she winked, kissing his brow bone again softly before removing herself from her place on his lap. He was about to protest but got distracted when he flicked the tv on and noticed that Passions was on. She walked back, handing him a brandy and sat down next to him, draping her arms around him and nestling her head on his shoulder. He drank the liquor slowly, savouring it. She knew him too well, he had been thinking about having a drink while she was pulling what felt like an entire tree out of his face. He was proud of her for being so relaxed about him still drinking, he felt that it was hard for her but she was determined that he could still drink in front of her. He hoped that she could feel what he felt.

The rest of their evening stretched before them, they wouldn't be needed until late at the Magic Box. Saff got time off as there was a meeting and Saff was working stock during the night so she would get paid. They never usually got so much time, it was luxury.

"I love you" Saffron said out of nowhere, "It doesn't matter to me what you've done in the past, I know that I love you endlessly. I could never stop. I am completely and truly yours. Forever" She gushed quickly, but the feeling behind those words was so pure. It almost knocked him to the floor. She told him she loved him often, but never had she poured everything like this, not so earnestly and unprompted. He could tell that this was so honest, so pure. It was the way he had felt when she had let him into her mind but to hear her say it out of nowhere was something he cherished.

"I love you Honeysuckle, I always will"

"You're the fucking love of my life, Spike!" she exclaimed happily, not sure herself why she was speaking her thoughts out loud but it didn't seem to be hurting. Spike's grin was wider than the Cheshire cat's and she wished she had told him this sooner and more often. She peppered his face with kisses, showing him with every soft brush of her lips that he was loved. Adored. He didn't know what had come over her, but he didn't want it to stop.

They eventually managed to peel themselves away from each other long enough to walk to the Magic Box. On their way there, Spike had admitted something to her. It seemingly came out of nowhere.

"You complete me, Saffron" He had stopped dead in the middle of the street, looking down at the ground before continuing, "I hate sounding like such a whiny prat, but I finally get it. Like I'm bloody Angel or something. It's taken me centuries to see his bloody brooding and moaning over his tortured soul in love was just. I love you and I'd do bloody anything to keep you safe. You name it, it's yours... but I don't feel like I'm man enough. Good enough for someone so pure"

"Babe, you're the love of my life" She insisted, frowning as she wondered where this had come from. She knew he had been insecure, he had shown her his memories so she understood implicitly. She walked up to him, a hand rested on his shoulder as the other stroked his cheek.

"But is that enough, Honey? I get all these bloody feelings… All this shit like I want you to live a long human life bathing in the sun and bloody skipping in the meadows and all that bollocks"

"It's enough for me. You're enough for me. More than enough. You make me happy, you care for me when I'm doubting myself. I mean the crying? You've wiped every tear, and boy do I cry" She smiled as he did, their eyes not moving from the others as she continued to stroke his cheek softly, "I look at you and I know, I feel it with every essence of my being. You are my soulmate, Spike. You don't need one to be my soulmate. I know you feel it too" She finished tenderly. He nodded, he had felt the connection long before he had been able to admit it to himself. This woman. She knew everything and yet she wouldn't move from his side. It was love, in its truest form and they didn't know what either of them had done to deserve it.

Spike and Saffron walked happily into the store, Saff swinging their arms that were firmly clasped together, their fingers entwined. However, they were met with chaos. Their mouths opened wide as they watched everyone squabbling and fighting amongst themselves.

"What the bloody-" Spike was all but ready to turn around. He didn't need to get in the middle of all of this. Not bloody likely. He moved to take Saff's hand and take her back out of the door. But she had already left his side, she was standing on the table, "balls" he muttered going to stand by her side so he could help her down when she had finished.

"What in the fuck is going on in here?!" She shouted, calming the room down into silence. Everyone then started talking at once, they had all been squabbling about different things. Saffron sent another blanket of calm over the room, slowly making them all tail off. Nobody really knew what had come over them. She stepped down from the table and took Spike's hand to see what was going on around the research table.

The next hour was slightly fraught, with people speaking their thoughts out loud. Saff wasn't sure why nobody else was questioning it, maybe because it felt so normal. Dawn told Anya she didn't like her hair cut which made Anya turn and tell Dawn she dressed like an overgrown toddler. Saff had to influence them away from each other, she felt how upset Dawn was by this comment.

"It was me that cracked the glass display case!" Saff exclaimed out of nowhere. Why the hell did she say that? She had been guilty about it but hadn't told anyone except Spike.

"We know" everyone chorused. It didn't take a genius considering she had been so clumsy lately but they had all been avoiding telling her they knew about it because they didn't want to upset her.

"You, ah, really must train by yourself more often, Saffron… I won't be here forever" Giles mumbled, looking down at the research he had been doing on her prophecy. Saffron just nodded along with what he said.

"I want to keep Angelina, she's so cute" Dawn admitted quickly. She had been cat-sitting when Spike and Saff were busy working.

"I really like that stupid bloody cat" Spike admitted at Dawn's words. He rolled his eyes at himself for admitting it. He didn't know why he said it out loud. He couldn't sulk for long. Saffron was beaming wider than he had ever seen her smile, "I love you so much" She whispered. There was a silence for a while and it was comfortable, mostly because nobody was speaking. Something popped into Saff's head though and she couldn't close her mouth quick enough.

"I won my kitten by gambling for her" Saffron said, just as the thought popped into her head, "I wanted to save them all, but there was no time. We got kicked out. Poor little mites" she continued sadly.

"Who gambles for kittens?!"

"Spike" Saff replied and Spike gave her a look.

"And we're what? Surprised? He's never been good for Saff" Xander shrugged.

"I think you're an idiot and I know you're jealous that I'm with Saff when you never had a bloody shot" Spike raised an eyebrow for him to dispute this, but Xander wasn't able to. He saw Saff as a sister now, but there was a time (a very long time ago) where he hadn't felt that way.

"I only had a crush on her when she first moved to Sunnydale! The Xand-meister had a crush on everyone!" Xander spoke out loud, earning a jealous look from Anya. Dawn smiled, she had had a crush on Xander and decided she was included in everyone. The others looked around awkwardly for their friend who went bright red at the revelation. I bloody knew it, Spike thought, then realised he had also said that out loud, "I'm nervous about marriage. How do I know she's the one?" Xander continued without being able to stop himself.

"And you think I'm over here having a picnic?!" Anya retorted, "Your eyes, they're beady and you're always squinting at me when I talk as if I'm speaking in tongues or something!"

"Half the time you get it wrong, An" Xander replied, "Hey! My eyes aren't beady! You wanna talk about bodies, huh? Your toes are hairy!" he exclaimed, pointing at her. Anya looked down at her toes and scowled at the man, walking away as the others just stared around awkwardly and Spike smiled smugly, wrapping an arm around Saff and enjoying the chaos he had caused. Anya and Xander walked off, arguing in the back room and then… not arguing anymore in the back room. Giles coughed as everyone started to hear the noises coming from the stockroom.

"I do not enjoy hearing the teenage sexual escapades of this group. Why am I the only seemingly sane one here?" Giles muttered the latter more to himself.

"Sex-capades" Willow giggled at her own thought and reddened when she realised it had been said out loud.

"We're in our twenties!" Saff was quick to remind him, "Way to get over your chronic fear of talking about shagging in front of us though, G, I'm beyond proud" Saff teased the older man.

"At least they're not arguing anymore. It gives me tummy rumblings when cute couples fight… like Willow and Tara on Halloween" Dawn said. Dawn had never been the queen of tact, but this was something else. Saff rolled her eyes at her younger cousin, why bring up another fight now everyone seems in the mood for being honest?

"We-we didn't fight…" Tara frowned, which made Saffron stop dead.

"Yes you did T" She confirmed as Spike nodded along.

"It was about Red here using too much magic, you said it felt as if she was addicted. We had that talk, you do remember? What am I bloody giving out good advice for free for if it's not sodding remembered!"

"I am so not addicted! None of you understand!" Willow shouted her thoughts, "Saff's the addict, did we all collectively forget that she was one with the meltdown that almost tore the entire group and the world apart?!"

"Thanks for that, Will. It's been a blast having my character reduced to being an addict once again" She said, tears in her eyes as she thought, I really fucking want a drink more than anything in this world, as she stormed away. Her lips had been moving. Everyone had heard and they weren't able to be polite and not let her know. But she felt that they were being understanding. Spike went to Saff who was cooling off in the corner, still able to listen to what was going on. Spike and Saff whispered together, noting something was definitely going down. Giles came over to them, handing them some books telling them to read into truth spells, it hadn't gone unnoticed by him either.

"We think you should tone it down. You're using too much" Tara said, the others continuing their conversation with Willow.

"We? You're all talking about me behind me back. I knew it"

"We talk about you the usual amount, like we do with everyone" Buffy replied, rolling her eyes at herself and walked away, not wanting to reveal anything else.

"What did you do to me, Willow?"

"I cast a spell on you. To forget our argument" Willow admitted, unable to lie as she had intended.

"How could you! You know after everything… There'll be nothing left of me if you take my memories, pretend you can change the way I think and feel!" Tara's eyes started to well with angry tears and Saffron felt the anguish like a slap in the face, she couldn't bear what was happening in front of her.

"Hey, why don't we try to calm it. Anybody else noticed we've taken a left turn past squabble-central, heading straight for mass-hysteria lane? When have any of us been this brutally honest?" Saff interrupted, waving the book she was reading in at them.

"I think it's great!" Spike spoke up unhelpfully, smiling around the room as he flipped over some pages without actually reading. Willow ignored the pair's words, pleading with Tara, "I love you, baby. I hate it when we fight. I needed you to forget about it, I didn't realise everyone had been talking about me" But Tara couldn't look her in the eyes. Saffron snapped her book shut, standing up to speak to Willow for her friend.

"Oh, perfect, so you would have wiped all of our memories" She said annoyed at her, "That's not how you treat someone you love, Will"

"It's fine for you Saffy, you skip through life like you're in a romance novel" Willow bit back, still trying to take Tara's hand in hers.

"Ok, well you're the one in the wrong, Will. Stop blaming me for your problems. You clearly fucked with Tara's head. Me and Spike have never warped each other's memories" She looked at Spike as he nodded his head in agreement. He was eyeing the witches, unsure what was coming next. He'd never heard Red say something like that before to Saff, he was starting to think she wasn't the nicest friend. Or something was influencing the girl who seemed to shake slightly, as if in withdrawal, as she tried desperately to cling to her girlfriend's hand.

Tara and Willow walked off together, Saff could feel what Tara was about to do. This wasn't going to be good. Her heart broke for the pair. Giles started to discuss the research into spells with the remaining people in the room. They needed to get out of this and fast.

xoxoxo

It was later in the evening, Giles had made sure all of them stayed in the Magic Box despite the chaos that was going on. Anya and Xander had returned from their time in the stockroom and were filled in on what had gone on with Willow. Buffy had been eerily quiet throughout the situation, as if not paying much attention, opting to not talk to anyone and stick to the shadows. It was as if she was avoiding the others so she wouldn't have to speak what was going on in her mind. Saff was struggling, she had once wished she could hear the thoughts going along with the emotions but now she was glad that she usually didn't. Everyone was speaking their mind and being brutally honest with it too. This wasn't good. There was already one break-up in the group, what else was going to happen?

"Has anyone seen my healing stone? It was behind the counter, now it's gone" Tara asked, looking around. Her mood hadn't improved since her earlier conversation with Willow. It had been hard breaking up with her. But she had to do it. Messing with her head after everything? She just wanted to go home now despite Giles trying to keep everyone in one place while he went to read up on what could be causing this. Tara wasn't one to overtly challenge the rules, but she needed her stone and she needed her bed. She may not be back here for a while.

"I took it" Dawn said nonchalantly before clapping her hands over her mouth and going bright red. Anya looked up from her stock list, she had noticed that some of her merchandise was missing. She scowled at Dawn and walked over to her.

"What about my merchandise?" Anya said angrily, rounding on Dawn to see what she said.

"Took three amulets, the jar of bone dust and the crystals" Dawn listed off, her hands still over her mouth. It was muffled but everyone could hear her.

"Dawny! What did I say about stealing! Only when you absolutely need it" Saff hissed at her cousin.

"Or perhaps not at all" Buffy said, scowling at the pair.

"This wasn't because of me was it? I shouldn't have taken those crystals in front of you, you're all young and impressionable" The last part slipped out, she hadn't meant to say that to Dawn. Shit. She'd tried so hard to help her feel like one of the gang.

"What crystals?!" Buffy asked, but Dawn shouted over her.

"I'm not young or impressionable! I'm not a kid, Saff!"

"No! You're a little thief!" Anya shouted.

"Why, Dawn?"

"Because none of you notice me and-" Dawn started to explain but she was quickly cut off by Giles' thought and everyone's attention turned to him.

"What is going on? Has anyone else noticed that we're all just saying the first thing that comes to mind?" Giles noted, trying to make everyone else aware of the situation more urgently.

"It hasn't affected me" Anya said, shrugging and snatching the items Dawn had hidden in her backpack.

"You always speak your mind, An" Saff reminded her as Anya shrugged and started to put all her merchandise back on the shelf that had been taken by Dawn.

"Best way" Spike said, eyes lingering on the vengeance demon, dipping his head. Saffron liked that the pair sort of got on even if Spike had to take a break from her to complain about how much she wouldn't shut up sometimes. Xander, on the other hand didn't and so he glared, pulling Anya into his side.

"No arguments here, but I mean the truth could come across a little nicer from some of us" Saffron continued, rolling his eyes at her friend's action.

"Anyone have any clue what we're dealing with here?" Xander asked, still clinging to Anya.

"It's my spell" Willow suddenly admitted.

"Of course it is" Tara said sadly, sitting herself down now she had her stone back.

"What spell Willow?" Willow reached in her pocket and handed it to Giles and he walked off shaking his head and muttering as he looked for a spell to reverse it. He was annoyed with the redhead, she was using magic that should not be touched. Although he was glad Saff and Buffy were back, she shouldn't have harnessed the dark magics like that and this spell appeared to be another one of the dark magic spells. In fact, it was from the same book. A dangerous book. How had she got a hold of this?

"Why, Will?" Saffron asked as Giles set to work.

"It was Lee, he-he said things would go smoother and there's been so much of the long faces, I thought we'd all be- I thought things would go back to how it was before-before-"

"Before we both died?" Saff offered and Willow nodded, "Wait, who's Lee?"

"My friend, well I thought he was a friend, from-from my GSA club"

"Describe Lee for me" Saff said, knowing what was coming.

"Creepy" Tara whispered, shuddering.

"Well, he's tall, always clean-shaven, probably a little older than us... Oh! He has a septum piercing"

"Shit" Saff, Spike and Dawn said at the same time. Buffy gave Dawn a stern look but she shrugged, insisting it was the weird truth/speak your mind spell.

"It's fucking Oleander! The corrupted!" Saffron elaborated for the rest of the room as Giles took his glasses off rubbing his eyes. It was worse than he thought, "I met him. He's horrible and I have no chance to defeat him" Saff casually slipped from her mouth, rolling her eyes at what she had admitted.

"And you didn't think to mention it?" Buffy asked, annoyed, "You can't stop yourself lying can you?" Buffy hugged herself as she spoke as if she it protect herself from everyone's gaze.

"I didn't think he'd be corrupting the whole fucking gang did I?" Saffron bit back, "I told Dawn and Spike, I just didn't have chance to tell the rest of you. There's no big conspiracy, I've been working two jobs and trying to get used to breathing again and to top it all off, I'm now living out of a crypt because my room is still a wreck after the water damage"

"Oi, what's wrong with the crypt?" Spike cut in before Buffy could apologise.

"It's a crypt, Spike!"

"And? Now's not the time to be picky love, you've been in a coffin the last few months my place is a step up when you think of it"

"You know I love staying with you, I'm just saying, a crypt is a crypt. It's always freezing, the carpet burn when we're fucking on the floor is painful-"

"Yes, well, shall we get back to the matter at hand? The corrupted is here and we need to prepare, first order of business being to get us out of this spell so I don't have to listen to Saffron and Spike's bedroom talk" Giles took charge, gesturing at the books he needed them to actually read rather than fighting. Saff went a shade of pink she wasn't used to as she had revealed something she didn't actually want anyone to know about. A thought popped into her head at his words and she tried to fight against her mouth opening. But there she was, speaking her mind. Again.

"It's actually very rare that we fuck in the bedroom, at least not the first-time round-" Saffron started to explain to the room as she started to go redder. Spike managed to hush her voice into a muffled whisper as he clamped a firm hand over her mouth to save her from further embarrassment. He was enjoying himself at the turn of events, but he knew that she wasn't. She was open about sex, but she didn't like Giles or Dawn hearing about it so much. Everyone's eyes scattered, feeling the embarrassment permeate through the room. It was so strong and they felt her embarrassment so acutely they went in opposite corners to research by themselves.

The feeling of the room was tense to say the least. Everyone was pissed off with at least one person in the room. Arguments had gotten heated and everyone was still speaking their mind. Saffron was walking down the ladder backwards from the higher level in the Magic Box where the off-limits books were kept and Spike was enjoying the view as he waited for her to get to the ground level. She smiled at him, raising her eyebrows at him as he pouted slightly when she turned around. She gave him a quick kiss and then pulled him with her as she did another round trying to keep the peace between the group. She was exhausting herself maintaining a calming influence, it was as if something or someone was working against her.

Saffron sat on the chair next to Buffy who was still in the corner of the room out of the way of everyone else, trying her best to keep her mouth shut.

"Buff you okay?"

"No" Buffy replied, wincing as she admitted it. Saffron's eyes widened and she sat next to Buffy, a hand resting on her shoulder.

"What-"

"Don't-"

"What's wrong?" Saffron completed, knowing Buffy wouldn't have a choice in answering. Spike came and sat across from the pair, making sure he stayed with his girl.

"Ever since we died, I've felt so empty… lost. I don't wanna be here and there's so much we have to do. So much responsibility. I haven't got a job and you have two, nobody ever sees you because you're working and all I can do is try to keep breathing but it's so hard I'm not sure that I… want to" Buffy started to cry at the end, so it was hard for Saffron to hear was she was saying. She was worried though. Really fucking worried, not just because she couldn't feel any of this from her cousin. She moved to hug her and was about to open her mouth and comfort her, but someone's thoughts got there first.

"Well, you've been dealt a bad hand, Slayer" Spike rolled his eyes at himself as he couldn't stop himself adding, "Way I see it, you're doing your best with a bad lot" He nodded along with his words as Buffy looked up, wiping her face. Spike was horrified with himself for helping her, but it was what he really felt. There was a silence between the three of them for a long while, Buffy managed to stop crying and Saff patted Buffy's shoulder and went to sit on Spike's lap.

"I'm proud of you, even though I know the spell made you say it out loud, you still wanted to offer the comfort" she whispered, before beaming up at him. They shared a quick, loving kiss before being interrupted by Buffy.

"Please will you do that somewhere else" Buffy couldn't help but say bluntly at the lovers, it hurt to see everyone so in love when she felt so alone.

They had to call it a night. They had been at the Magic Box too long, they needed to sleep and step away from everyone for now. Dawn was giving Saffron and Spike a constant running-commentary on her exact thoughts as they stepped out into the cool air of the night. The pair told Buffy they would take Dawn somewhere out before they dropped her back at Revello. Buffy nodded, not really listening, she wouldn't open her mouth to speak again. Not after revealing so much to the lovers before. Spike told Dawn that he was going to teach her the 'quiet game', a fun game where he would make a competition out of seeing how long Dawn can stay completely silent for. Saff rolled his eyes at him as did Dawn, although they knew that she would at least try to play the game to prove to Spike that she could keep quiet. Saff walked ahead slightly, leaving Spike to explain all the rules to the quiet game (which didn't take long). Saff lit a cigarette, chucking the lighter towards Spike when he motioned out of the corner of her eye for it. They could have a conversation by just staring in each other's eyes it appeared to the others, so nobody was shocked when she threw it and he caught it without either of them seeming to have been able to see the other. Saff caught up to Tara, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"How you doing, T?"

"I don't want to talk right now, Saff. I just need some space, have a bubble bath and sleep" Tara said, her mind speaking for her. Tara had made arrangements to stay over at her friend Jen's for the night, she couldn't face moving out tonight.

"No worries, T. But please, when all of this crap is over, talk to me?" Saff asked Tara, "I promise I care and everybody still wants you here. Don't start avoiding the group, we love you as much as we love Will" Saffron continued unashamedly. It was true but she would have at least tried to hide some of it in humour if she wasn't speaking her exact thoughts. Tara smiled at her warmly and Saffron felt that the worry had lifted from her mind in some sense. The others all split up to go their separate ways and try to sleep for the night as Spike, Dawn and Saff walked to find something to keep them occupied. None of them would be able to sleep.

xoxoxo

It was the next day and Giles had called an emergency meeting to try to reverse the spell. Everyone was back and everybody was trying to keep their mouths shut.

"The spell is the eternal truth, a spell that should not be attempted especially not by yourself" Giles sent a look towards Willow who ducked her head, "There is a counter-spell but it will take an hour to prepare. It was taken from the book of Osiris"

"So it's like the spell that brought Buff and SP back?"

"The very same" Giles nodded, it couldn't be a coincidence that they were from the same book, "The spell to return them, ah, appeared to last without a problem which is incredibly fortunate so it is unlikely that this spell will be easy to reverse without some serious focus which will not happen if we are all squabbling like children"

"Let me help, Giles?" Willow offered, knowing she could help translate it. Giles reluctantly agreed, knowing out of everyone Willow would be the most help.

"The sacrifice that was undertaken by the pair was the lynchpin that allowed for their resurrection, however, and so hopefully with a bit of careful translation, I should, ah, be able to reverse the current spell with the other being unchanged"

"I didn't" Saffron suddenly said. It had been in her thoughts, but she resigned herself to what she was about to admit.

"What?"

"I didn't sacrifice myself" Saffron admitted, the tears already welling in her eyes.

"Never thought you were Modest-girl Saff"

"No. I mean it. I-I didn't sacrifice myself for Dawn" She said, cringing as everyone stared at her. She could feel their shock, "I fell. I ran after Buffy, I knew she had to sacrifice herself but I tried to stop her and I fell, I was weak after- with Glory- and I tripped and fell in. I was meant to stay and protect Dawn, what with the empathetic nature and all" It kept tumbling out of her mouth, she couldn't stop the words from falling, "I was supposed to protect her and I failed and I hear all of this praise that I don't deserve and the guilt- the guilt is…" Tears were slowly rolling down her cheeks as Spike walked over to envelope her in a hug. He had bloody known she shouldn't have gone up against the Hell-God. He had argued against it at the time. He held her tight, knowing how much this was hurting. He wished she had told him this earlier. He felt it now, the guilt. He held her flush to him, cradling her head softly as he felt her sobs as if they were his. She wouldn't hide from him and she openly sobbed against him as he whispered that he knew in his heart that she would have died for Dawn no matter what.

He finally let go, knowing the others would want some touchy-feely moment with her. He was right. They took it in turns hugging her, telling her they knew her. She would have done it regardless. Dawn walked up to her, Saff didn't want to look her in the eyes. She was embarrassed.

"What you did-" Saffron shook her head, I didn't fucking do anything, she thought which, of course, was said aloud, "What you did was special. You totally went up against Glory for me! A Hell-God! Saff, look at me! I know you would have sacrificed yourself. I know you" Dawn said assuredly, and Saff felt how genuine she was being. The faith her friends had surrounded her. Despite how she felt that she didn't deserve it. Dawn pulled her into a hug, both with tears in their eyes. They hugged for a moment as the others didn't speak, feeling sorry for their friend in her guilt. Buffy stared blankly at her family, she had been the only one that hadn't walked to hug Saffron. Xander asked her quietly what was wrong. Buffy fought against it, but spoke up while her younger relatives were still hugging.

"I think I was in heaven" She whispered, pausing before repeating louder, "I was ripped out of heaven and now I'm here" Dawn and Saff slowly moved from their hug to stare wide-eyed at Buffy. She had been where?!

"Buffy?" Willow asked, a single tear rolling down her cheek. Everyone was shocked into more silence.

"What do you mean you were in heaven?"

"There was no pain, no fear, no doubt until you pulled me out of Heaven and now, I live in Hell… I have nothing. Please, give me something to fucking fight for…" a tear finally escaping her eye as she said it to the worried people around her. She felt it more because of her newfound gift thanks to Saffron. Despite everything, Tara comforted Willow as she cried. She had never meant to hurt either of them.

After a long pause, Giles managed the reversal spell. Everyone was silent as the news of the past few days ripped the fabric of the group to shreds. From outside the store window, Oleander smiled, feeling the anguish. He had been watching them for the last few days, revelling in it. His second-in-command, Sister Stephanie, was with him and they had ducked into the adjacent alleyway as the group solemnly walked out of the store, going their separate ways.

"Oh, darlings, where do you go from here?" He whispered, impressed how easily it was to separate the group that was supposed to be her support network. Connections were weakening. The old man that the girl sees as a father was leaving. Even better.

The only problem was that, for the most part, Saffron's friendships were still intact. She had managed to comfort them all in that fickle way she still believed to be the truth. Oh well, he would change that with time. She whipped her head around, feeling emotions from the alleyway he had snuck into. He quickly blocked her and she shrugged, looping her arm with Dawn's as she walked away.