Disclaimer: The following is suitable for no audiences only. Likely the last one of these for a while.
The (Apparently) Never Ending Adventures of Rat Bastard and Danger Lass
an Omake Collection
Note: Part 03 of Rat Bastard and Danger Lass, Meh Chapters 11 and 12.
Omake: Interrogation
Sofia glared at the PRT agent on the other side of the table. So she'd been caught redhanded attempting to jam a pinecone up some druggie's ass, so what? Wasn't like they were people or anything and it wasn't like she was doing it for kicks, bastard might have had information she needed.
". . . serious crime that could net you . . ."
She tuned him out again. All she had to do was to stay quiet until her backup arrived, then they'd have to let her go.
". . . . Stalker, Shadow Stalker are you listening to me?"
"What?" she looked at the woman. "Did you say something?"
"You are in deep trouble and . . . is that a squirrel?"
On the table beside her was a squirrel wearing a tiny suit brandishing tiny legal documents and chittering in rage. Sofia smiled, backup had arrived.
"I . . ." the PRT agent stared at the squirrel for a few seconds.
"My attorney as advised me to remain silent," Sofia said smugly.
"That's a squirrel."
"Goes for the Nuts is a member of the bar in good standing in three states including this one," Sofia stated. "She has advised me to remain silent."
The squirrel glared at the agent and continued chittered in anger.
"I need to call this in."
The agent left and Sophia's lawyer chittered a question.
"Standard clan harsh interrogation method number five," she replied.
Her lawyer chittered dismissively and put a reassuring paw on her forearm.
"Thanks."
Her lawyer chittered again reassuringly and patted her on the forearm again.
"Yeah," Sophia agreed thickly. "No member of the any clan is ever alone while any from any of the clans is still alive. Still, thanks."
The PRT agent returned with a PRT sergeant.
"Shadow Stalker," the sergeant greeted her as he sat down across from her. "The PRT was not aware that you had joined the Rat's team?"
Sophia glanced at the squirrel who nodded in reply.
"I haven't."
"Then why are you being represented by Goes for the Nuts?"
The squirrel nodded.
"I am a member of the Pinecone Clan in good standing," Sofia explained proudly. "As such I am entitled to representation from the clan's lawyers."
"You joined one of the squirrel ninja clans?" the PRT sergeant asked dumbly. "I gotta call this in."
Her lawyer chittered and pounded the table with her tiny fist.
Omake: The Art Troll
"Vicky!" Lisa called out to the other girl across the cafeteria. "I got some new commissions."
"Oh?" The hero was always somewhat leery around the new girl. On the one hand, Lisa could be good company when she wanted to be. On the other, there was something off about her. "What's this one?"
"Bunch of people on PHO wanted me to do pictures of Gallant, figured I'd get your opinion on them before I delivered it since you've got impeccable tastes and since you know him and all."
"I do have impeccable taste, don't I." Vicky preened. "Let's see them."
"Here." Lisa pulled a stack of drawings out of a manila envelope. "These ones are copies so you don't need to worry about handling them."
"Okay." Vicky squinted at the first picture, it showed the hero in a heroic pose. "This one's really good."
"Thanks."
The next one showed Gallant with Vista riding his shoulders. "Who commissioned this one?" she asked suspiciously.
"Uh, think the user name was Panorama," Lisa replied. "I call that one, Teammates."
"Uh huh." Vicky froze in shock at the third picture.
"Like that one?" Lisa asked. "Person who commissioned it wants it to be called 'A hero's reward,' I call it, GangBangGallant. He's just had a tough fight and he's about to get a hard reward. Nothing explicit, don't want to run afoul of the rules or do something too creepy, but you know what that group of guys is about to do from the context and the looks of anticipation on everyone's face."
"He looks a bit like Dean in this one under the broken armor," Vicky commented, eyeing the other girl to catch her reaction.
"Really?" Lisa squinted at the picture. "I don't see it, I think that's just your preferences affecting your perception."
"What?"
Lisa shrugged. "Maybe you subconsciously want to see Dean in that situation."
"Who commissioned this one?"
"Think the name was PrincessCheese," Lisa replied, sounding unsure. "Might have been FishNChips2." She scratched her chin. "No. No, FishNChips2 was the guy who commissioned a picture of Assault and a Battery harem. Must have been PrincessCheese."
Vicky squinted at the drawing. "Why does this one look like Dennis?"
"Pretty sure that's your imagination again," Lisa stated. "Hey Dennis, Dean, you guys think the guys in this picture look anything like either of you?"
"Never mind!" Vicky said quickly. She quickly went to the next picture. "Who commissioned a drawing of my sister beating Gallant to within an inch of his life and why is he peeing himself?"
"Uh." Lisa frowned in concentration. "BoneDaughter69, I think. The tears and the fact that he's soiling himself were part of the commission, don't think I'd have included both otherwise."
Lisa had to fight the urge to start cackling maniacally, who knew school could be so much fun! To think she'd tried to talk her new parents into letting her get a GED. "Your sister around?" she asked casually. "I want to get her opinion on some of these pictures too."
"Uh." Vicky wasn't sure that was a good idea.
"Never mind, I see her. Hey, Amy!" Lisa called out cheerfully. "I want to get your opinion on some pictures I've drawn for PHO! I got one with you in it!"
Later:
Vicky glared at the framed drawing on her sister's bedroom wall. "Why did you keep that thing?"
"Thought it would be rude to throw it away after Lisa gave it to me."
"Okay, then why did you frame it and hang it on your wall?"
"You know how many people have drawn fanart of me doing something badass? One, that one."
"Oh." Vicky considered the matter. "That makes sense. Why do you have a drawing of me kissing you on the cheek next to it?"
"Lisa drew it for me, she calls it sisterly love."
"Oh. I guess we are pretty close, aren't we."
AN: Did Lisa really get commissions for Gallant art or did she make it look like she got commissions through a series of sock puppets for the purposes of mischief? Tune in next time when . . . okay, it's probably the second or at the very least she salted in a few troll pictures with her actual commissions. Then again, it is the internet. Never a good idea to underestimate the depths of depravity that can be found on the internet.
FishNChips2 (Verified Puppy Lover)
Omake: Sisters
"Hi, Dennis," Lisa said brightly, putting her hand on the boy's shoulder.
"Hey, Lisa."
"You know, Dennis, I don't like that joke you made about my sister the other day. She's really self conscious about her height."
"I didn't mean anything by it," Dennis said quickly. "You know that."
"Sure I do, but she doesn't. You want to know what I'll do to you if she hears that joke, Dennis."
"What?" he asked nervously.
"What do you think?"
"I'll apologize," Dennis said quickly.
"And?"
"And I'll think of some way to make it up to her?" Dennis said quickly. Her eyebrows went up. "And you?"
"Glad we had this talk, Dennis." Lisa patted him on the cheek. "You won't like it if we have to have another, I'd have to get nasty and you really don't deserve that. Like you said, you didn't mean anything by it."
Omake: A fragment
"Lisa Hebert is your sister?"
Taylor wilted a bit at the looks of sympathy she was getting. "She's not so bad."
Sympathy turned to disbelief.
"She really isn't so long as she isn't bored and so long as you don't have something she wants," Taylor said quickly. "Oh, and don't ever get on her bad side. Keep her amused and she's kinda pleasant."
Warning: Goes off the rails a bit after this
Omake: If things had started a bit earlier
"So let me get this straight," the Marquis stated, allowing his gaze to sweep over the two super hero teams. "My choices are to go to the Birdcage, or to rebrand and join one of your hero groups."
"Their group," Brandish said flatly, looking at him with distaste.
"Of course." The Marquis nodded to her. "But if I choose to rebrand, I must call myself-"
"BoneDaddy," Rat Bastard confirmed. "And you need to grow a mullet. Your choice."
"The things I do for my little girl," the Marquis sighed.
Omake: Training Trip
"Say that again," Max said calmly.
"Hookwolf and Cricket are leaving the city, sir."
"I see. Exactly why are Hookwolf and Cricket leaving?" Max asked, voice steady.
"They, uh, were both soundly defeated in cage matches last night, sir. They say they need to go into the mountains to train like in the movies, only, I don't think they're coming back. I wouldn't if it'd happened to me."
"They've lost fights before."
"Not like this, sir, it was brutal. I think they could have recovered from the loss of rep but someone filmed it and put it on PHO."
"I see." Max opened his laptop and logged into the forum. "Exactly where was it posted and under what title?"
"Brockton Bay section under the title 'Nazi Beatdown,' sir."
"I have found it." Max clicked on the link. "Wait, is that a squirrel in the ring with Hookwolf?"
"Yes, sir. Calls himself Peanut the Destroyer, current champion after last night, sir."
Omake: Bounty
The Desk Sergeant manning the front desk at the Boise PRT Office rubbed his eyes and looked again. Yep, four squirrels wearing tiny porcelain masks dragging in a bloody burlap sack. He rubbed his eyes again, opened them and the squirrels were now on his desk looking at him with looks of expectation.
"Uh . . . hello?"
The lead squirrel chittered at him in excitement and motioned towards the sack.
"Just a second," he said, stalling for time. He reached into his desk and pulled out a pair of latex gloves. "Alright, let's see what you've brought."
He opened the sack and was unsurprised to find a human head, it was a surprisingly common occurrence for people in his position. The head appeared to be male approximately . . . no, it couldn't be.
The squirrels chittered in excitement.
"We're going to have to run a few tests to confirm this is who I think it is before any rewards are paid out," he said feeling faint. "One moment please." He took off the gloves and picked up his phone. "Control, you seeing what's happening in the lobby?" He took a deep breath. "Yeah, I think there're here to claim the bounty on Jack Slash."
IIIIIIIIII
"What have you got for me?" the director of the Boise office demanded.
"Only squirrel themed cape we can find is a kid outta Brockton Bay on the east coast. Master/Trump that can master and empower squirrels."
"Any indication she was out here?"
"She's been seen in public multiple times over the last two weeks. I'm not saying it isn't possible that she had some involvement, but it's extremely unlikely."
"Lab boys confirm it's him," the other tech volunteered. "DNA is a match."
"How long will it take to gather the bounty payment?"
"Local banks say they can have it for us in two hours."
"You have two hours to find out as much as you can from the squirrels. Make them count."
"Uh, yes director."
AN: Nobody expects the Squirrel Ninjas!
Omake: Parks and Rec
"Just got word that the city's going to need a bunch of people on a project," Danny announced happily. "For once, the Dockworkers are going to have more work than we know what to do with."
"Oh?" Annette looked up from her newspaper. "What sort of project?"
"Bulldozing some of the derelict areas to build a giant park," Danny replied. "An anonymous party bought the land and is paying for all the work. They're even paying to have fully grown trees transplanted from around the country."
"Really? What kind of trees?"
"Chestnuts, oaks, walnuts, pines, and even some fruit trees . . ." Danny trailed off, both he and his wife shot a suspicious glance out the window at one of the omnipresent squirrels. "Where do you think they got the money?"
"Some things are probably best left unlearned," Annette replied, going back to her newspaper. "Did you hear that someone collected the bounty on Heartbreaker?"
Omake: Troll not lest ye be Ninjaed
Greg's eyes slowly opened to stare up at an unfamiliar ceiling. The steady beep of a heart monitor was the only thing that disturbed the silence. Let's see, the last thing he could remember was posting a negative comment on PHO about Squirrel Lass, lamest of the Bay's costumed denizens and then . . .
"The chittering!" he screamed. "Oh god the chittering!" the heart monitor sped up and in a flash the room was filled with medical personnel.
"Get me a syringe of ketamine, stat!" the doctor yelled.
AN: Who among us hasn't wished they could send a legion of squirrel ninja to smite internet trolls?
Chapter AN: My only regret is that I couldn't write the omake about how Dirty Mike and the Boys take over the Merchants. There are just some things that aren't meant to be I guess.
Omake by FKN
Taylor had just found a nice book she liked, but her allowance wasn't quite large enough to cover it. She needed some money, but her parents were... busy... and she had no intention of ever interrupting them, and Lisa was an absolute no-go. What could she do?
'Hmmm, what do I have that others would be willing to purchase? AHA!'
3 hours later:
In a rather large conference hall the PRT has been quite generously been willing to let her use, a quite massive crowd had gathered.
Taylor climbed the podium, and a slide appeared behind her, with the words, 'How to deal with a bored/playful/focused/angry Lisa Hebert 101'
After her lecture, a grinning Taylor walked out with 2200$ in her pocket, and another lecture scheduled for next week.
The books she would buy!