NirSighted Chapter Sixteen: Holy Goose!
Three days later, Serenity, her crew, and the crew of Stoïque landed at Irving-Keene's busiest port, St. MacLemore. Nothing more had happened in the way of biological or psychically-disturbing weapons, and life aboard the ship had been quiet, if crowded. Simon, who had been doing daily checks on all three of the pregnant women, reported that all three were due to give birth literally any day; Emilia's baby would come first, he predicted, Jimena's two days later, and Carole's a day after that, if all three babies came on schedule. But, as he added quickly, babies kept their own schedules.
"Ya said this was the busiest port?" Mal asked Wash as Serenity landed. "There ain't anybody here."
"Yes, that seems t' be true, sir," Zoë agreed. The streets appeared deserted, and the shops' awnings were still rolled up, which in St. MacLemore meant that they weren't open for business.
"Well, that's odd," Wash said, shutting down Serenity's controls. "Where d' we think ever' body is?"
"We've got three Readers aboard, let's see if one o' them can't tell us," Mal suggested, and strode from the bridge to find River, Catie, or Nir.
He found all three of them playing six-circle at the table with Kaylee. "We've landed," Mal informed Nir, who was the only one to look at him. "And there ain't anybody here."
Nir stood up, her face turning ashen. "You mean there isn't anyone around?"
"That's what I'm sayin'."
Kaylee finished her turn and looked up at the captain. "You think another red ball got 'em?"
"I'm not sure what happened," Nir answered. "I would need to take soil samples, or, at the very least, perform an olfactory test."
"Kin you do that from in here?" Mal asked.
"No. I would need to go out and collect the samples myself."
"We ain't got any protective suits that'll fit ya," Mal said.
"That's fine," Nir replied. "Mr. Cobb can go and do these tests for me."
"Knew there was a reason we kept him 'round," Mal muttered, and went off in search of Jayne.
Twenty minutes later, Jayne handed a small bottle of dirt to Nir, as well as a white cotton swab that he'd waved in the air. The man pulled off his helmet while Nir pulled a wand-like implement from her pack and ran it over the two items. The wand was silent as it went over the dirt, but the swab caused it to produce a high-pitching whirring sound that was instantly irritating. "It is as I figured," Nir said.
"Red ball destruction?" Mal asked, cutting to the chase.
"No, nothing at all," Nir replied. "It is simply the time of the year when the people of St. MacLemore head inland to celebrate a major holiday."
"What holiday?" Jayne asked as he stripped off his protective suit.
"On Earth-That-Was, it was called Hanukkah," Nir answered, tucking the wand back into her pack. "I'm not sure what they call it here at St. MacLemore."
"Where did they all go?" Zoë asked, having come in to hear the proceedings of the test.
"My guess would be Branford-Tobar or Machielli," Nir answered, "since those are the largest settlements, they are those most likely to host large numbers of people from St. MacLemore. Where was Dr. Burk's wife living?"
"He said somewhere out of St. MacLemore, a day's walk," Mal replied. "We kin fly over there if'n that'd be all right."
"That would work," Nir agreed, "but what if Dr. Burk's wife has gone inland to celebrate Hanukkah?"
"'Nara said the wife belonged to some fancy church. Ain't Hanukkah just fer some specific people?"
"No, not anymore," Nir answered. "Hanukkah is now being celebrated by everyone on Irving-Keene."
"Tricky."
"I suppose he could wave her," Zoë suggested. "Then he'd know right where she was."
"Sure," Mal consented. "And then we'll… well, what the hell else d' we haveta do here?"
"Three women need to give birth, Captain Reynolds," Nir reminded him.
"Oh yeah. You an' the Doc gonna be able t' handle it?"
"We should be, if there are no complications," Nir replied.
"I'll go get Dr. Burk t' wave his wife," Zoë said. "I'll let you know when we're ready to leave, sir."
She found Dr. Burk in his bunk, reading a large text. "Have we landed?" he wanted to know once she'd made her presence known.
"Yes, we're on Irving-Keene, but everyone seems t' have disappeared from St. MacLemore," Zoë informed him. "We want ya t' wave yer wife 'n see where she is."
"Where else would she be?" Dr. Burk asked confusedly.
"Nir seems t' think ever' body went t' celebrate… Hanukkah."
"My wife doesn't subscribe to pagan religions," Dr. Burk said tartly. "If she knows what's good for her, she'll be at home with the children."
"I only know what Nir told us," Zoë told him. "We just want ya t' come wave yer wife so's we kin get outa here."
Dr. Burk set down his book and followed her from the bunk and into the bridge, where Wash had the wave screen all ready for his call. The scientist quickly punched in his home-base number, then waited for the screen-saver to clear and show him the face of his wife.
A bland, but still strangely attractive, blond answered the call. "How may I be of assistance?" she said.
"Holy Goose! It's a Love-Bot!" Dr. Burk exclaimed, backing away from the screen as though the picture was searing his eyeballs.
"Really? How can you tell?" Wash asked, peering closer.
"My wife doesn't look like that at all!" Dr. Burk said angrily. "Matilda is beautiful, certainly, but she has raven's-wing hair and eyes like pools of green bactide!"
"So it's not her?"
"No, it isn't! What on Earth-That-Was could make Matilda purchase a Love-Bot?"
"How may I be of assistance?" the blond asked again. She was very vapid-looking, with perfectly formed blue eyes and rose-petal pink lips.
"Where is Matilda?" Dr. Burk demanded of the screen.
"The facility has been evacuated," the blond replied.
"Where are Matilda and the children?" Dr. Burk asked.
"Matilda Jean Burk, age forty-three, and the children Susannah Elaine Burk, Kathryn Jane Burk, Eloise Patricia Burk, Cora Danielle Burk, Lucy Syan Burk, Anna Maria Burk, and Lois Stephanie Burk, ranging in ages from fourteen to four, departed the facility at eleven-seventeen yesterday morning," the blond said.
"That's not all the kids," Dr. Burk said confusedly.
"You are correct, sir," the blond agreed.
"Where are the rest of them?"
"I was not informed of their journey plans," the Love-Bot responded. "They are also not on my radar screen."
"I demand that you give me your alias and your registration number," Dr. Burk said angrily. "I'm going to report you to the Council of Love-Bots."
Then the Love-Bot did something very frightening that no one on the bridge had ever seen a Love-Bot do before. While talking to Dr. Burk, she had been giving him the usual, blank-eyed, Love-Bot stare, but now she winked at Dr. Burk, her expression changing to one of sly, undermining cleverness.
"It looks like she's plotting against us," Wash said, strangely intrigued by the Love-Bot's expression.
"I thought they were programmed to just be subservient," Mal said, his own eyes captivated.
"Registration number and alias, if you please," Dr. Burk said, more firmly.
"I have neither," the Love-Bot said. "And there's no way you can report me to the Council of Love-Bots; it doesn't exist any longer. You'd better stay right where you are if you want to make it out of this Hanukkah party alive."
Before Dr. Burk could reply, the screen was abruptly switched off.
"Lao tian ye!" Mal exclaimed. "What does that mean?"
"I'm not certain," Dr. Burk said, leaning in to fiddle with the wave screen's controls.
"Call the Love-Bot Council," Wash suggested, and went over to the wave screen to punch in the numbers.
"Guan hi zi ji de shi," Dr. Burk grumbled, slapping Wash's hands away from the numerical punch device. "I'm going to find my wife."
He stormed from the bridge.
"Are we going inland, sir?" Zoë asked.
"Where's our best shot for finding the Doc's wife?" Mal questioned in return.
"Nir said they've all gone to Branford-Tobar or Machielli," Zoë replied promptly. "Ready the mule?"
Mal thought for a moment. "No, we'll go whole hog an' take ever' body inland. Wash, set course fer Branford-Tobar, it's bigger, she's more likely t' be there than anywheres else."
"Sure thing, Cap'n my Cap'n." Wash moved to his seat and sat down, readying the controls for the flight.
Mal took up the intercom. "Attention ever' body, we're headin' inland fer Branford-Tobar. Remain onboard or I'll shoot ya. That's all."
Wash started the takeoff series. "Branford-Tobar's only a couple hunnerd miles inland, we should be there within twenty minutes."
"Good," Mal said, and left the bridge in search of Dr. Burk. He saw the scientist heading out of the hold, heading straight for one of the empty buildings at St. MacLemore. "Doc!" he called after the scientist.
Dr. Burk turned around to look at Mal, and suddenly a flash of movement caught Mal's eye. Then he heard a boom and saw a plume of smoke rising from a spot not twenty feet behind Dr. Burk.
"Duck!" Mal hollered to Dr. Burk.
The confused scientist could do nothing, and was therefore totally unable to stop what happened next.
A handful of women began storming from the various buildings. As Mal watched, helpless – Serenity was going up, he had to go with his ship – they began to swarm Dr. Burk, several throwing oddly-shaped explosive devices at him, which went up in colored plume of smoke, leaving echoing booms resounding across the empty shop fronts.
"Help!" Dr. Burk yelled. "Help me! Save me!"
Suddenly Mal realized what was wrong with all of the women – none of their joints bent. "Ren ci de Fo zu!" he exclaimed. "They're all Love-Bots!"
"Shut th' hold!" someone shouted from inside the ship. "Shut the hold, we're goin' full burn!"
Mal turned around to see Kaylee running for him, her hand outstretched. She skidded to a stop next to him and smashed her hand down on the orange button that closed the hold's doors. "We're goin' full burn, sorry, Cap'n," she said, breathless from the short run.
Still stunned from what he had just witnessed, Mal was only able to say, blankly, "Xie-xie, Kaylee. Wasn't fer ya, we'd all be sucked out in 'ta the black."
Kaylee saw the shocked look on his face. "What's wrong, Cap'n?"
"Love-Bots. Lots o' 'em. Got Dr. Burk."
"What?" Kaylee exclaimed. "Can't be!"
"Saw it," Mal informed her. "Get Zoë, we've got to wave the Council of Love-Bots."
"Already done, sir," Zoë said from above.
"An'? What's goin' on down there?"
"No reply, sir," Zoë answered, "but the news services are saying that for some strange reason, all of the Love-Bots on twelve border moons – Irving-Keene included – have just gone completely whack."
"Ai ya," Mal groaned. "Are they taking over the cities?"
Zoë nodded solemnly.
"Are they in Branford-Tobar?" Mal wanted to know.
"I guess we're just gonna have t' find out," was all Zoë could answer.
"Tell Jayne t' get his guns ready, and ask Nir if she knows anythin' 'bout this," Mal said immediately. "Maybe she knows somethin' we don't."
"I'm certain of it, sir," Zoë said, and left to find Nir.