The drive in the ambulance to Mercy Hospital was a blur. He wouldn't leave Alex alone the whole time Doc was working on her. They had managed to get a rhythm again, even if it was just a weak one. But Billy was glad for every improvement right now. Now, he was watching the doctors of Mercy working on her in a trauma room. There was blood everywhere. Alex' blood. He had it on his hands, his shirt. It was on the floor of the trauma room, in the gauze they had used. He felt his stomach turn again and nausea coming up.

Billy hurried to the next men's room and threw up.

It took him some time to get to his feet again. He felt dizzy and weak when he went over to the sink and turned on the cold water. Somewhere he had heard that blood best came out with cold water. Weird how little stuff like that popped up in her head in a situation like this. Billy pulled off his shirt and let it soak in the water. He went over to another sink and started washing his hands.

Behind Walsh, the door opened and Lieutenant Johnson came in.

"You okay in here?" he wanted to know. He knew exactly how Billy felt, he felt the same way.

Billy wasn't able say anything, so he just nodded slightly. He didn't look up. He knew that if he would look up, if he would try to say something, he would loose it. So he simply leant on the edge of the sink and watched the water disappearing.

"The woman didn't make it, neither did the perps. I'm sorry…" Lieu informed him.

Billy closed his eyes. It had been his fault. He had made that man shot that woman. He was responsible for her death.

"Don't go there, Billy," he heard Johnson say as if he could read his mind. Johnson came closer and let his hand rest on Walsh's shoulder.

"You did all you could. It's not your fault."

Billy had a hard time keeping back the tears. He couldn't get rid of that image of Alex lying beneath him, not breathing.

"Be grateful. You're alive…"

"What about Alex…?" Billy croaked. His voice was about to leave him.

Johnson looked worried. That was answer enough to Walsh. He returned his gaze back to the sink. This day had started so perfectly, and now it was all so wrong.

"You come out whenever you're ready. If there's any change, I will come get you," the Lieutenant promised, squeezed Billy's shoulder reassuringly and left him alone again.

When he was sure he was alone again, Billy let out a deep sigh. He looked up to meet his mirror image. He looked pale, exhausted. He felt nauseous again, but this time, he fought it down again. Billy leant forward to rest his head against the mirror. The coolness felt good and for a moment, he managed to switch his mind off and just rest.

The men's room door opened again and Johnson came back in. He found Walsh leaning against the mirror in his white undershirt, eyes closed.

"Billy…?" he carefully asked, but still made Walsh jump at the sound of his voice.

The second he saw his Lieutenant in the door, he knew. But quickly, Johnson shook his head.

"They're taking her up to surgery now. I thought you might want to see her before that."

Billy let out a sigh of relief. Alex was alive. That was all that mattered.

He hurried to follow Johnson outside towards the trauma room, where the doctors were already pushing the gurney towards the elevator.

"Can you wait a second?" Lieutenant Johnson asked Dr Fields. He knew they had to bring her to the OR as fast as they could, but he also sensed that Walsh needed to see Alex one more time before that.

"It's touch and go Lieutenant, we don't have much time," Dr Fields returned, but since they had to wait for the elevator, he stopped the gurney.

Billy moved closer. Alex' face was almost as white as the sheets of the gurney. Tubes were going into her body everywhere. She had been intubated before, so she could breathe. Billy swallowed hard. He didn't feel prepared for this sight at all. Alex had always been a strong woman, seeing her lying there, fragile and vulnerable made him sick to the stomach. He gently took her hand.

"I'm here," he whispered, unsure if Alex could hear him, oblivious to everyone surrounding them.

The elevator doors opened and the gurney was moving again. Billy didn't want to let go, he didn't want to loose her, but he knew he had to let them go up. He felt someone beside him. It was DK.

"She's gonna make it," he said, trying to keep his voice steady. "She's tough."

Walsh was still looking at the closed elevator doors. His body started shivering. It was cold outside here and he was only wearing his undershirt. Lieutenant Johnson took off his light blue FDNY jeans jacket and gave it to him.

"We need to get back to the house," he said quietly, knowing that none of his crew wanted to leave the hospital. "They don't have any engine available to cover for us."

Billy looked up to his boss. He couldn't leave. Not now. Not before he knew that Alex was okay. Johnson saw that look in his eyes and nodded.

"You stay here, Walsh. If there's any change, you call, alright?"

And with that, Squad 55 started to move back to their engine.
"Thank you," Billy croaked before Johnson was out of sight. He got a nod in return.

Then, Billy Walsh was alone again.