Alright, time for the first elimination! As of writing this I have no idea who will be eliminated. Guess we'll find out together, guys. Lmao…what am I doing with my life.
"I hope you guys enjoyed the ad for the penile-suppository Viagra pills," was what Josh spewed from his cursed mouth to open up the second part of the first episode. "It's impressive that they were able to get them to only be as large as a quarter these days!"
"Yeah!" Homeless Guy agreed from the mass of bodies still on the mat. "Back in my day, they were the size of half dollars!"
"Babe," Shelly whispered to Ashton, "the smelly guy is bothering me. Can't you like, punch him?"
"No Shelly, I can't punch him," Ashton told her patiently, "but maybe we can have him get you the wrong kind of tea?"
"Ooh, I like that! Then I can lock him outside!" Shelly said happily. "You are like, so smart!"
Ashton grinned and blew some non-existent dust off of his perfectly manicured nails, "I know."
"Yuck," Marilyn grunted, "those two are revolting."
"Totally," Pixiecorspe agreed, "though it is sweet that they can find love with one another, I guess…" She pulled out her wallet and opened it to show a picture of their other friend Reaper. She stared at it longingly, and sighed.
Marilyn rolled her eyes and turned to look down at Jerd, who was the other person next to her. "So…ya like jazz, er, heavy metal?"
"Salrait ah gars," Jerd shrugged, "ain't' Craptry, thar."
Marilyn just gave him a deadpan look.
"I love Craptry!" Jazz squealed, "It's such an iconic sound, you know? Really underground, you know? Like, no one knows the vibes, you know?"
"You say 'you know', a lot," Gordon grumbled, his eye twitching, "it's really f**king annoying, so can you shut the f**k up you wannabe hipster piece of human garbage?!"
"You got something to say, ginger-boy?!" Jazz retaliated, getting up in Gordon's face.
"I just said it, and you need a f**king breath mint!"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Tyler appeared between the two, shocking them both. "Guys, please! I know you guys are salty that you're labeled disgusting nobodies that no audience would ever want to watch compete, but let's keep our tempers in check! So not extreme!"
Everyone that wasn't Tyler shared a confused look.
"Uh, we're fine with being called Total Drama Nobodies," Brady told him politely, "I think it's just you that's salty, bro."
"Salty, like my tears when I think about how I've never smelt Trent's gym gitch," Kelsey exclaimed.
Keith shot the short girl a concerned look.
"Don't be concerned," Kelsey assured Keith, "look, I made a recreation myself!" She shoved her hands down the front of the pants of the Trent-doll and pulled out a fistful of white boxer-brief. "See! I try to be as realistic as possible."
"Someone help me," Keith begged to anyone who would listen.
Psycho Killer, who was right behind him, reached out and picked up Kelsey by the scruff of the shirt. Wordless, he reared back his massive arm and hurled the girl away from Keith.
"AAAAAAH!" She slammed into the side of a passing car and bounced off it. Fortunately, the Trent-doll she was clinging to absorbed most of the impact, so she was unharmed.
"Psycho Killer," Josh chided, "please do not bodily hurl our contestants around, okay?"
Psycho Killer grinned sheepishly, "my bad, was just trying to help my boy Keith out!" He slung an arm around Kieth and gave him a noogie. "Right, sporto?"
"Someone help me," Keith begged again.
"Alright, enough with the potentially humorous shenanigans, everyone," Josh continued, catching the attention of the group. "Let's get into the mansion and show you guys your accommodations!"
"Oh yeah, this looks like a real nice place," Emily said nervously, rubbing her arm.
"Relax, beautiful," Jose said charmingly, "I'm sure we'll have fun."
Emily blushed. "Maybe…"
The shot cut to Josh and all twenty Nobodies walking into the mansion.
"This, is the entrance hall," Josh announced.
The entrance hall was dim and dusty. Dead ahead was an old, ornate staircase leading up to the next floor. There were two doors on both the left and the right side of the room.
"This mansion looks big, but it's really not all that huge," Josh said, "by the way, there's no electricity for the lights, so it's all candles."
"No electricity!?" DJ's Momma griped, "how do you expect us to get all nice and clean with no electricity! I ain't bathing medieval style!" She began whirling her purse around like nunchucks, "don't tell me I'mma have to whoop some ass in order to get a shower around here?!"
Josh quickly screeched and grabbed the nearest contestant to shield him. That contestant happened to be Keith, and he began taking brutal purse-shots to the face in quick succession.
"Someone help me," Keith begged for a third time.
"Whoa, let's take it easy!" Sand said, hurrying over to DJ's Momma and trying to restrain her arms.
DJ's Momma glared at her, but stopped her purse-chucks from whirling. "Don't tell me what to do, Glass!"
"Er, my name is Sand…"
"Yeah, but Glass is what you'll be after I subject you to this heat, girlie!"
Sand flinched away and turned to Keith, "hey…you okay?"
"Yeah," Keith mumbled, "long time no see…"
"Yeah…" the older girl looked like she wanted to say more, but they were cut off when Josh cleared his throat angrily.
"Yes yes, thanks for being the punching bag for me, Keith. Now, as I was saying…." He sighed and ran his hair through his nicely styled hair, "er…oh yeah! The electricity! You guys have running hot water, but that's about it. Everything else is spooky."
"You mean shitty?" Homeless Guy grunted.
"Dude, you were literally sleeping in a dumpster when we found you for auditions. Literally. A. Dumpster." Josh pointed out.
"I thought that you thought you were hosting an All-star season?" Ashton accused. "Why would you be recruiting Homeless Guy if you thought it was All-Stars v2?"
"Oh my gosh, he totally did! You're so smart, babe!" Shelly gushed, hugging her boyfriend excitedly.
"I know," Ashton smirked.
"Do me a flavor, and stick it up your ass," Josh responded, for some reason adding a lispy 'L' sound to the word favor. He pointed to the first door on the left side of the entrance hall. "That right there is the Confessional Broom Closet! That's where you guys can do your dirty confessions and whatnot. Super simple. The second door on the left is the kitchen."
Pretty Swan Lady raised her hand politely. "Afsakið, hver verður úti að elda?"
Josh just stared at her blankly.
Pretty Sawn Lady stared back.
Homeless Guy stared at the two staring at each other.
…
…
…
…
"Moving on," Josh said, opting to just ignored what Pretty Swan Lady said completely.
"Wait, hold on," Tyler interrupted, "who's gonna be our cook?"
"You guys are gonna be cooking for yourselves," Josh explained.
"Oh f**k yeah!" Gordon exclaimed, "I can't wait to rock the sauce, mates!"
Pretty Swan Lady glared at Tyler and Josh, and crossed her arms with a huff.
"Don't stress it, girlie!" LeShaniqua said, slapping Pretty Swan Lady roughly on the back, "they're just like Franklin Hill, yanno?"
"Who?" Brady asked her curiously.
"Franklin Hill," LeShaniqua repeated as if it were obvious, "he went to my high school and was the star player for the Chess Club! Some sweet brains on that boy I tell you what. But, turns out he was just a stanky typical male."
"Not all men are trash!" Kelsey screeched, "Trent is the best person to ever live!" Her face slowly colored with rage as she advanced on LeShaniqua. There was no fear in the scrawny girl's face despite being half as tall and at least three times lighter than her would-be opponent. "You tryna take this outside, missy?!"
"Who you callin' missy, missy?" LeShaniqua retorted, taking off her hula-hoop sized hoop earrings and throwing them behind her. They landed around Homeless Guy's neck, and he gasped in glee.
"I'm rich!" He hooted, licking the earrings, "these earrings, they're 99% lead!"
"That explains so much," Josh said calmly. Behind him, Kelsey and LeShaniqua could be seen beating the snot out of one another while Psycho Killer and Mr. Coconut flicked bits of popcorn at them. "Now, the doors on the right are simple. The first on the right is the living room, and the second on the right leads down into the basement."
"Basement? How spooky…" Psycho Killer said with a menacing chuckle. "Someone should come down there with me later…"
"What's up the stairs?" Pixiecorpse asked.
"Some bedrooms! Follow me!" Josh led them up the worn-down stairs onto the second floor.
"Boys bedrooms are on the left, girls are on the right," he pointed down the hallway.
"Is the entire second floor just bedrooms and this hallway?" Brady asked.
"Yup, and see that ladder at the end of the hallway? That leads up toe the third floor, but that's locked for now. It'll unlock at a later point in the competition." He turned around to face all twenty competitors who were jammed in the hallway. "Now, here's the real kicker…the teams!"
"What about 'em?" Sand asked happily.
"There are no set teams this season! I'll assign you into teams today, but it's just gonna be for two challenges: this one and next one! After that, we're switching them up again!"
"What?!" Ashton complained, "how are we supposed to form strategies or alliances like that?!"
"It'll be tough, but you'll have to manage," Josh snickered. "For the first set of teams…we're doing a Battle of the Sexes! Boys VS Girls!"
"That's sexist!" Jazz shouted.
"No it's not," Josh told her calmly, "your luggage is all outside. There are three bedrooms for each boys and girls, and they have two bunk beds in each room. You're assigned alphabetically."
Shelley did some quick thinking, "That means it's DJ's Momma, Emily, and Jazz in one room, Kelsey, LeShaniqua, Marilyn and Pretty Swan Lady in room two, and Pixiecorpse, Sand and myself in the third?"
"Correctamundo," Josh confirmed, "and for the boys, Ashton, Brady and Gordon are in room one, Homeless Man, Jerd, Jose, and Keith are room two, and Mr. Coconut, Psycho Killer, and Tyler are in room three!"
"Alright, buddy!" Psycho Killer cheered, nudging Mr. Coconut with his elbow, "roomies! How sweet is that?"
Mr Coconut regarded Psycho Killer with stony silence.
"I have to bunk with a psycho killer?!" Tyler clapped his forehead with his palm, bruising his cheek in the process, "weak!"
"Your luggage is waiting for your outside," Josh told them, "you'll all have an hour and a half to unpack and decorate your room, and then I'll judge them on a scale of 1-10. Highest combined score wins. Lowest score sends someone home tonight."
"Wait, that's our challenge?" Tyler asked, "that's so…lame!"
Josh frowned at him, "low budget season, remember dude?"
"I know, I was just hoping you could come up with something a little better, Chris," Tyler sighed.
"My name is Josh," Josh's eye twitched a little.
"Huh? Oh yeah," Tyler shrugged. "My bad."
"Just go start unpacking. I'll be back in 90 minutes."
(Broom Closet Confessional: Jerd.)
"Sahr mah reemats ahr Da Bum, Al's brathar, and Keith," Jerd mused, "gars at cud be warse."
(End Broom Closet Confessional: Jerd.)
(Broom Closet Confessional: Marilyn.)
"Ugh, we've only been here four hours and PIxiecorpse is already pining and missing Reaper," Marilyn huffed. She ran a hand through her short purple hair. "Like, can't she just be happy she's here with me?!"
(End Broom Closet Confessional: Marilyn.)
Boys Room #1: Ashton, Brady and Gordon.
"I gotta say, I'm kind of stoked with this roommate sitch," Ashton remarked, thumping his bag onto his bed and looking around the room. "You two are pretty normal."
"You f**king got that right, you prettyboy motherf**ker," Gordon agreed, also coming into the room. "Imagine trying to room with that f**king homeless guy? Or the f**king Psycho Killer?!"
"Yeah," Brady agreed, "no thanks, man!"
"These rooms are bigger than I thought they'd be," Ashton surmised, "they're actually quite big!"
"Wow, you're right, they are big!" Brady agreed, "you're pretty smart, man!"
Ashton looked mighty pleased with himself.
It was true, the rooms were big. It comfortably fit two bunk beds, and had a large, old-school desk in it. There were two big windows on one wall which let in a ton of sunlight, and heavy drapes to pull in front of it. Large candles hung on the wall, and a large box of matches was on the desk.
"What did you guys bring that can decorate this room?" Brady asked.
"I have a bunch of my culinary awards and pictures with famous chefs," Gordon said, "that'll knock his f**king socks off." He began pulling different pictures out of his suitcase. "Oh, I also have some culinary accessories that we can keep in here for my cooking."
"So you're like, a really good cook?" Ashton asked him, "or are you one of those losers that thinks they're a good cook but actually suck?"
Gordon glared at the handsome tennis instructor, "oh you'll see at dinner tonight mate, mark my f**king words."
Ashton just rolled his eyes.
Boys Room #2: Homeless Guy, Jerd, Jose and Keith.
"What's with all this fishing mantra?" Jose asked, looking around the room in awe.
"Arts mahn," Jerd told the others proudly, "Ahrm a feesharmahn!"
"That's wonderful, Jerd," Jose told him warmly.
"Wait, you can understand this guy?" Keith asked curiously.
"I am fluent in over 100 languages and dialects," Jose said modestly.
"Wow, crazy," Jerd whistled.
"Wait a second, where's Homeless Guy?" Keith asked.
Homeless Guy stuck his head out from under one of the bunk beds, startling the other three boys. "I'm here under the bed. It's nice, and it reminds me of the gutter. You boy's aint ever known real comfort till you slept in the gutter with nothing but a half-dead junkie to keep you warm."
"Someone help me," Keith said for the fourth time, hiding behind Jose.
Boys Room #3: Mr. Coconut, Psycho Killer, Tyler.
"You need some rest, buddo," Psycho Killer told Mr. Coconut affectionately. He tucked he flaky fruit under the covers of one of the beds. "We'll take care of this challenge!"
"Dude, we're running out of time!" Tyler complained, "we need to get unpacking!" The jock was currently pulling all sorts of sports-related stuff out of his suitcase.
"No need, I got this," Psycho Killer said with a wicked grin. He pulled out his suitcase and began unpacking like a madman.
"How did I get stuck in this situation," Tyler whined, dodging all the rusty hooks, dismembered limbs and rotting organs flying from Psycho Killer's bag. "I should be booling with the bros, you know? Partying with Geoff, getting noogies from Duncan, having a fart-off with Owen! You know, where I belong?!"
Psycho Killer didn't respond, as he was too busy unpacking. Mr. Coconut was predictably silent.
A lone tear tricked down Tyler's cheek.
Girls Room #1: DJ's Momma, Emily, Jazz.
"This is my bunk bed!" DJ's Momma screamed, "you two can share that one! No questions, no complaints, it's my way or the high way!"
"Um, o-okay!" Emily squeaked, "that's fine, I'm okay with a top bunk!"
"You better be!"
"Okay, you know what?" Jazz scoffed, walking up to DJ's Momma. "As Shakespeare once said, "you egg, doth thy-" She was smacked upside the head by DJ's Momma's purse, and sent stumbling back into Emily.
"Whoa, I got you." Emily said, catching the blonde.
"Oh, it's on!" Jazz snapped, diving at the larger woman.
Emily watched them brawl, wincing.
Girls Room #2: Kelsey, LeShaniqua, Marilyn, Pretty Swan Lady.
"Girl, you can't do that!" LeShaniqua exclaimed. "This is… this is revolting!"
Kelsey paused in her gluing of Trent-wallpaper on the room and turned to look at the other three girls, who were looking highly disturbed.
"What's wrong with it? Josh will love it, it's TRENT!" Kelsey shrieked, spit flying from her mouth. "He's Trent Trentley Trenterson the third, and he's a gigachad swole daddy!"
"I don't think that's his real name" Marilyn said nervously, "I think Gwen told me his last name was Edwards or something…"
Kelsey returned to pasting up the Trent wallpaper. "What do you know?! No way you know more than me! No way! No way! No way!"
Girls Room #3: Pixiecorpse, Sand, Shelly.
"Wow," Sand remarked, "you guys are doing a pretty good job here!"
"Yeah, I never thought a preppy-goth hybrid could look good, but I'm finding myself pleasantly surprised," Shelly mused, tossing her long red hair over her shoulder.
"I feel like we got a fairly normal room," Pixiecorpse said, sounding a little relieved.
As if on cue, Kelsey's screeching could be heard from the next room.
"Yeah, ya think?" Shelly rolled her eyes. "I think our times almost up anyways. Let's finish this up."
"I feel kind of bad," Sand chuckled, "I didn't really do anything."
"Maybe its because your parents named you Sand," Shelly mused.
Sand just rolled her eyes playfully. "Hardy har har."
"Did you just audibly say hardy har har?" Pixiecorpse asked her.
"Yes."
"Weird."
"Hardy har har!"
(Broom Closet Confessional: Pixiecorpse.)
"That girl is strange."
(End Broom Closet Confessional: Pixiecorpse.)
Eventually time ran out, and Josh re-entered the mansion to judge the rooms. He climbed the stairs to see all twenty contestants lines up outside the doors in the hallway. With the lack of electric lightning and only torches providing illumination, it was actually kind of creepy.
"Yeesh," Josh joked, "you guys aren't going to sacrifice me to some satanic deity are you?"
"No," Sand chuckled.
Psycho Killer blinked, hiding an old book with a pentagram on the cover behind his back. "Uh…yeah! Nope, ufufufufu!"
"Don't laugh like a Pokemon character," DJ's Momma scolded.
Psycho killed kicked at a random patch of carpet, "phooey."
"Alright, we'll go room by room, starting with Boy Room #1," Josh said. He entered Ashton, Brady and Gordon's room and looked around.
The room was actually…pretty normal! The walls were lined with different pictures. There were several of Gordon with famous culinary names like Rordon Gamsey and Julia Adult. Ashton had put up several tennis trophies and pictures of him and Shelley on various dates. Brady's contribution was some flowers he had picked off the sidewalk and put in a vase on the desk.
"Wow, this is way less horrific than I was expecting," Josh noted, "it looks like a normal frat room. 8 points!"
Gordon and Ashton high-fived, and Brady screamed his approval, startling the other two.
Josh left the room and entered Girl's Room #1.
"This…is unchanged," Josh noted, turning to DJ's Momma, Emily, and Jazz. Both Emily and Jazz were incredibly roughed up, and Emily awkwardly dug her foot into the carpet of the floor. "I mean, what did you guys even do during the time given to you?"
"I taught this harlot some respect," DJ's Momma blustered, jerking a thumb at Jazz.
"And I showed this boomer that she's not all that," Jazz said, dabbing.
"You just lost two points for that dab, never do that again," Josh told her seriously.
"What!?" Jazz shrieked.
"Nah, kidding, but you guys get a measly 5 points. I can't dock or add any points since you didn't change the room for better or for worse."
"Ain't that a crisp boot into my crotch," Jazz said dramatically, falling to her knees and clutching at her heart. "Nay, the egregious nature of this score-"
Josh closed the door to the room, cutting her off.
"Thanks, I ain't never been a big fan of Dr. Suess," Homeless Guy gave Josh a thumbs up.
Josh waved Homeless Guy's stank breath away from his face and entered Guy's Room #2. Upon entering, his eyes widened.
"Wow, this is pretty good," he whistled, looking at all the fishing mantra on the walls. Gorgeous fishing rods hung on the wall, an old-timey barrel was tucked in the corner with a rusty anchor sitting on top of it, and numerous large shells were on the desk.
Keith had put out some of his miniturate trains, but Jose and Jerd had managed to get him to put them in the distant corner, mostly tucked out of sight.
Jose had brought enough fashionable sheets and bedspreads for all four beds, and it gave the room am much classier feel.
Homeless Guy had managed not to take a dump anywhere, so the other three constituted that as a W.
"Good job guys, 8 points!" Josh told them.
"Thars a-har we rahl, mahn," Jerd smirked.
"Well done, my brothers," Jose said suavely.
Homeless Guy peeked out from under the bed again, "did we win?" He grunted.
"Not yet, but it's looking good," Keith told him. "Say, guys, I think we should put my trains in the foreground a little more. Maybe in the-" He looked around, suddenly alone in the room. "Oh…okay…maybe we'll talk later."
Someone from outside coughed something that sounded suspiciously like "loser" as a tumbleweed blew across the rom. Keith sighed.
(Broom Closet Confessional: Keith.)
"I get that miniature trains aren't exactly actions movies," Keith droned, "but they're actually pretty interesting when you learn more about it!" He's silent for a second, and the same cough that sounds suspiciously like "loser" could be heard again. Keith frowns, "okay, who's doing that?!"
(End Broom Closet Confessional: Keith.)
Josh entered Girls Room #2, and immediately let out a scream of terror.
Trent. Was. Everywhere. On the walls, in picture frames, on the bedspreads. His smiling, long-ass face.
"I'm so sorry, Josh," Marilyn deadpanned, "we tried to stop her…but we couldn't."
A roughed up LeShaniqua coughed out some blood. "She's like All-Might on crack when she gets in her Trent-craze. There won't nothing I could do about it."
"She wouldn't' let me put out any of my cool stuff either," Marilyn sighed, "and I'm pretty sure…uh…what's your name?" She asked Pretty Swan Lady.
"Astrida," Pretty Swan Lady replied cheerfully.
"I'm pretty sure Astrida had some cool stuff too," Marilyn finished.
"Well, I'm inclined to believe you, since you're gothic and cool and Pretty Swan Lady is hot," Josh said scummily. At the four's astonished look, he held up his hands in self-defense, "hey! She's way over 18, nothing wrong with some playful flirting!"
"Byrjaðu á því að kalla mig nafnið mitt, dick." Pretty Swan Lady said with a roll of her eyes.
"Ooh, I understood that one!" Josh said excitedly, "she said dick!"
Pretty Swan Lady facepalmed, and Marilyn put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"I give this room 2 points, it's atrocious." Josh finally gave them his score.
"What?!" Kelsey shrieked, "you mean 20, obviously?! No way Trent doesn't get DOUBLE a perfect score!"
"Oh, it's way," Josh sneered at her. "Guys lead 16 to 7. If the guys can get more than one point on room 3, they win automatically."
"Oh ho, sorry girlies, but you're toast!" Psycho Killer boasted, opening the door to Guys' Room #3. "Because my fashion design is off the chart! It's the best! My ex-boyfriend Jason said so, my other ex-boyfriend Freddy did too, and so did my current boyfriend Michael also agrees!"
"Well, this oughta be good, then," Josh said, "let's see if it-HOLY FISH-PASTE, IT'S A GUY!"
It was true, there was a whole ass dead dude on one of the bunk beds.
"Psycho Killer, did you kill someone?" Josh scolded the hulking man.
"Yup!" Psycho Killer said happily, "oh, wait, not since this competition started. Remember I had to sign that contract that said I couldn't claim a life while on the show? Nah, Gaspacho here died a couple weeks ago, but I figured since we have a spare bunk bed, he could cozy up with us!"
Josh approached the dead body with morbid curiosity, "why is not…stinking or rotting?"
"Oh, I mummified it," Psycho Killer said breezily, "it should hold up for the whole season."
"Where's Tyler?"
Psycho Killer jerked his stump over to under the covers on one of the bed. "He started screaming and crying when I showed him Gaspacho. He's been hiding under his covers ever since. I had to threaten him with a broken arm to shut up, because otherwise he would've woken Mr. Coconut."
Josh nodded solemnly, "and what about the intestines and blood and other body-things nailed to the walls?"
"Just my good sense in fashion, I suppose."
Josh continued to nod solemnly, "right…well, 1 point."
Psycho Killer's eye twitched. "You sure about that?" He snarled.
"Yup," Josh said, unafraid. "Your contract prevents you from even laying a stump on me out of aggression. You might be able to cow the others with fear, but not me."
Psycho Killer hunched over, obviously defeated. "Ugh, fine. Michael did warn me that others might not like our taste."
Josh left the horror-show of a room and re-entered the hallway. "Well, that was horrific," he said with a shiver. "If the girls can get a perfect score, they'll tie it up."
"Which means…?" Ashton asked.
"Which means that both will send someone home. Girls, you're already booting someone!" Josh told the girls.
"Fine by me," Jazz said with a scowl.
"Do me a flavor, and be bad at this, girls!" Homeless Guy hooted from somewhere in the crowd of bodies.
Josh entered the last room, the one that Pixiecorpse, Sand and Shelley were rooming in.
It was…actually pretty legit. Pixiecorpse's gothic style had magnified the already creepy-Victorian vibes the mansion gave off, but Shelley's preppy, millennial fashion sense made sure everything was practical. There was even a "Live. Laugh. Love." Sign surrounded by little bats hanging up on the wall. There was also several pictures of Sky and Sand, Pixiecorpse, Reaper, Marilyn and Gwen, and Shelley and Ashton around the room.
"Okay, this is super awesome." Josh conceded, "I give it…9 points! Good, but not quite perfect. Thus, the boys don't have to eliminate anyone tonight!"
The boy's muffled cheering could be heard outside the room from the hallway.
"Good try, ladies," Sand told Shelley and Pixiecorpse, who seemed disappointed. "I'm sure we'll be safe since we didn't botch the challenge!"
"Who knows…" Shelley bit her lip, "they could totally vote me off since I'm totally hot and stuff."
"Only one way to find out," Josh said ominously.
(Broom Closet Confessional: Tyler.)
Tyler is not talking to the camera, but is instead in the background. He has a pillow, a teddy bear, and his sheets in his arms as he clears some brooms and cleaner bottles out of the way with his feet. His lip quivered, and he smoothed the blanket out on the floor. "No way I'm sleeping in that horror-fest," he told himself angrily, "this is so lame. So not extreme. So weak!"
(End Broom Closet Confessional: Tyler.)
(Broom Closet Confessional: Sand.)
Sand noticed the pillow, teddy, and blankets on the floor and stooped down to pick up the teddy bear. "Aw, did someone leave their bear here?" She cooed. "I'll leave you where you were just incase someone comes looking for you," she placed the bear back on the pillow. She faces the camera, "so…so far this has been an experience. Most of the people here are kind of nuts, but there's some cool people too."
(End Broom Closet Confessional: Sand.)
(Broom Closet Confessional: Kelsey.)
Kelsey kisses the Trent-doll passionately.
(End Broom Closet Confessional: Kelsey.)
Hours later, Josh and all the contestants stood in the entrance hall. The sun was now down, so the only light was from the candles and torches around the mansion.
"Time to head into the basement," Josh grinned, "which is where our elimination ceremonies will take place this season. Lets go."
He opened the door, and a shitty wooden staircase led down into complete darkness. Everyone filed down into a dimly lit, dusty room with a dirt floor and exposed beams. A few spluttering torches flickered on the walls.
"The Peanut Gallery returns," Josh noted, pointing to the side where the Peanut Gallery stand from All-Stars was. "As for the losing team…" he trailed off with an ominous chuckle.
The obvious centerpiece of the basement was a gigantic, gaping hole in the middle of the room. A bunch of harnesses were suspended over the hole on a pulley system. Josh pulled a lever, and the harnesses swung away from the pit and towards the the group.
"Ladies, strap yourselves in," Josh told the girls, "Gents, a seat at the Peanut Gallery, if you will."
Once everyone was in their proper positions, Josh pulled the lever and the ten girls swung out over the Pit.
"One of you will get voted off and be forced to take the Pitfall of Shame," Josh smirked. He pulled out 9 grappling hook guns. "If you are safe, you'll be tossed a grappling hook. Use it to pull yourself away from the pit, and then you can unhook yourself. If you do not receive a grappling hook, you will be released by yours truly," Josh pulled out a remote with a single button on it.
"What the heck is gonna happen to us if we fall?! Do we die?" Emily asked in a panic.
"Nah, this isn't Despair Mansion," Josh smirked, "there's a net at the bottom. Just be sure not to hit the sides as you fall, since it's a mile or two until the bottom."
The girls gulped.
"Alright, the first grappling hook goes to…Marilyn!"
Marilyn let out a sigh of relief as she grabbed the grappling hook. She swung the hook at some nearby metal rods, places exactly for this purpose, and pulled herself away from the pit. She unhooked her harness, and looked nervously at Pixiecorpse.
"Emily, you're safe too," Josh told the ex-flight attendant. Emily pulled herself to safety, and high-fived Marilyn.
"Shelley, Pretty Swan Lady, Pixiecorpse, and LeShaniqua, you guys are also safe!"
"Let's go, babe!" Ashton hooted. Shelley blew him a kiss after she unhooked herself.
Pixiecorpse and Marilyn exchanged a hug.
"The new hook goes to…Sand," Josh narrated, and Sand smiled as she unhooked herself.
"Alright, Jazz, Kelsey, and DJ's Momma, you all received votes," Josh told them solemnly. "But one who is safe tonight is…Jazz."
"My previously trembling heart breathes a sigh of joy," Jazz sighed, joining the other girls.
"DJ's Momma, Kelsey, this is the final hook of the night. You guys are both pretty crazy and really freaked a bunch of people out. But…the final grappling hook goes to…
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Kelsey!"
"We're safe, Trent!" Kelsey squealed.
"What?!" DJ's Momma yelped, reaching for her purse, "oh I'm about to whoop some serious ass up in this place!"
Josh quickly pressed the button, releasing DJ's Momma's straps and sending her flying down the Pit.
After Kelsey unhooked herself, the nineteen remaining campers turned to Josh. "Alright, guys, the rest of you losers are safe…for now. You may go."
Kitchen - 10:00PM.
Gordon rummaged through the refrigerator with a raised eyebrow. "Alright, looks like this bulls**t show actually gave us some decent stuff to work with.
The kitchen was by far the nicest room of the mansion. There was huge, woodburning oven with a stone stove top that took up most of one wall. This was the only room with electrical outlets to supply the dishwasher, refrigerator, and other appliances. The floor was cobblestone and, like much of the mansion, exposed wooden beams gave the room a very rustic feel.
A large island for preparing food took up a decent chunk of the kitchen.
There was a large, old-school wooden table that was at least twenty feet long and wide. Rough-hewn wooden chairs were strewn haphazardly around it, and the huge fire from the stove set a cozy light throughout the room.
Currently Keith, Sand, Brady, Shelley, and Pretty Swan Lady were sitting at the large table, all relatively silent as they watched Gordon bustle about.
"You want any help?" Shelley asked the young chef, "I'm decent in the kitchen."
"Sure," Gordon said, retreating from the fridge with his arms full of ingredients, "I've got no stupid f**king ego when it comes to my cooking. I'm thinking of whipping up some basic ass grilled cheeses for tonight. Simple but solid."
"They actually gave us decent food?" Keith asked curiously.
"Looks like it," Shelley remarked as she joined Gordon at the island. "They probably thought we wouldn't be able to cook for ourselves."
"Which his pretty f**king stupid, considering the picked me," Gordon smirked. He grabbed a cast iron skillet and flipped it over his head, catching it without looking. He drizzled the pan in olive oil and tossed it onto the stone stove top of the woodburning oven.
The door to the kitchen opened, and Jerd walked in carrying Mr. Coconut. LeShaniqua was right behind him.
"Wharts cukin?" Jerd asked with a deep inhale, "smahls gehd!"
"Grilled cheese sandwiches, or croquet monsieurs, if you wanna get f**king technical," Gordon spat form the stove. "I'm making one for each, and too bad so f**king sad if you're vegetarian! I don't cook that s**t!"
Jerd and LeShaniqua joined the others at the table and sat in comfortable silence, listening to the sounds of Gordon and Shelley prepping the food.
"Lemme see that coconut," Brady said, holding up his hands.
Jerd shrugged and tossed it to Brady, who caught it easily.
"So this dude is an actual contestant?" Brady asked with a light chuckle, "like…I don't get it."
"I bet Ashton would get it, he's like, so smart," Shelley offered.
"I wonder how he votes," Sand pondered.
"Who knows with this crazy show," Keith said, slumped over the table. "How did I end up stuck here?"
Sand rubbed his back affectionally, "try and make the best of it, Keith! I know things have been tough for you, but maybe you can win!"
"Win what, 500 bucks? I'd make way more at my job at the telemarketing firm in the time I'm taking off to be here," Keith groaned.
"Maybe you'll win and you can get on the next season!" LeShaniqua offered. "Try and get back that ex-girlfriend of yours?"
"Meh, I don't really want Sky back," Keith shrugged. He peeled his face off the table to look at Sand, "no offense…"
"No worries, hon," Sand told him, "Sky's younger than me by a couple years, so her judgement was a little screwy."
Sand and Keith's conversation was interrupted by Gordon, who slid a plate of sandwiches down the table.
"Dig in, motherf**kers," Gordon smirked.
Everyone present grabbed a sandwich and quickly dug in.
"How is it?"
"Wow!" Pretty Swan Lady chirped, " Þetta er mjög bragðgott"
"Nice work, Gordon!" Sand said warmly, "they're awesome!"
(Broom Closet Confessional: Gordon.)
"What an advantage for me," Gordon smirked, "we have to cook for ourselves, and I love to cook. These stupid motherf**ers will keep me around just for that. Best part is, I love cooking! Talk about a win-f**king-win!"
Behind him, a figure draped in blankets rose up. "Dude," Tyler's sleepy voice could be heard, "I'm trying to sleep. Can you wrap this up!?"
Gordon let out a shrill scream of terror. "Tyler!? What the F**K, man?! What are you doing, you creepy twat?!"
"I'm sleeping in here. You wanna room with the Psycho Killer?" Tyler grumbled.
Gordon blinked. "Fair enough, bastard…fair enough."
(End Broom Closet Confessional: Gordon.)
The shot cut to Josh in a fancy RV, snuggled in bed with an herbal face mask on "Alright, that wraps up the first elimination," Josh said pleasantly, "tune in next time to see what other horrors we have in store for you! Hope this episode was worth the therapy you'll need!" He gave the shaka sign to the camera, "deuces!"
Voting Confessionals:
DJ's Momma - I vote for that Jazz girl! She's a young whippersnapper that needs to learn respect!
Emily - I guess I vote for Kelsey...she's really creepy.
Jazz - DJ, I'm sorry your mother is such garbage! I vote for that crotchety old boomer!
Kelsey - I vote for DJ's Momma! She hurt my precious Trent!
LeShaniqua - I vote for that psycho girl Kelsey! We mighta actually won if she wasn't crazy!
Marilyn - Yeah, DJ's Momma is a psychopath. I vote for her.
Pretty Swan Lady - Ég kýs að útrýma DJ's Momma. Hún er skelfileg!
Pixiecorpse - Marilyn and I decided to vote for DJ's Momma. She's too violent.
Sand - I guess I vote for Kelsey. She is very upsetting to be around.
Shelley - DJ's Momma is wack. She's, like, gotta go.
Votes:
DJ's Momma: 6
Kelsey: 3
Jazz: 1
Boys Team: Ashton, Brady, Gordon, Homeless Guy, Jerd, Jose, Keith, Mr. Coconut, Psycho Killer, Tyler.
Girls Team: Emily, Jazz, Kelsey, LeShaniqua, Marilyn, Pretty Swan Lady, Pixiecorpse, Sand, Shelley.
Elimination Order:
20th: DJ's Momma.
Yup. This was a thing. Guess DJ's Momma is gone? Idk, I hope I won't regret it.
Leave a review if you laughed, I guess. Anyone you're actually rooting for? Rooting against? Are you pondering what events in your life led up to reading this? No, just me?