Welcome to the isle of Sampetra. A tropical jewel where love is fleeting, secrets lie buried and anything (from nautical adventures to rodents with bikini waxes) is possible…
This is our first Redwall fic and it takes place near the end of the Pearls of Lutra (Before Ublaz, Rasconza, Romsca or Sagitar die, 'cuz honestly, what fun would it be without all the baddies?). All the story's protagonists are quite exceedingly out of character, but that's why they're so freakin' hilarious ok?
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters except Craig… and Melissa and Rinj but they come in later
This was written with Devil's Advocate.
Enjoy…
SWEET SAMPETRA: SEASON ONESeason premier: The One With The Glow-in-the-dark Condoms
Sagitar Sawfang wasn't your customary searat. She was sixteen (but far too sassy to be sweet), treacherous, flirtatious (if a sexy beast was around), occasionally air-headed and armed with double Ds, which was probably why she held the indisputable title of Chief Trident-rat.
Whilst her steadfast trident-rats, eager to please their sizeably cleavaged master, patrolled Sampetra's taverns and harbours, she paced the jetty, applying and re-applying her lip-gloss restlessly. Waiting.
"Hello, Sag?"
She jumped, startled, as her walkie-talkie crackled into life. Then swore when her lip-gloss slipped from her paws and into the ocean with an unceremonious plop. Hastily, she reached into her pocket, found the device, and punched the red activation button, pressing the speaker to her ear.
"What!"
"Whoa, chill Sagitar. Its only me", reassured Rasconza.
"I'm calm!" she burst out, and then realized how un-calm that sounded and felt her cheeks burn in embarrassment. She was glad the Rebel Crew had such low-tech walkie-talkies, so Rasconza wasn't able to see her face.
"Ok, maybe I'm a little nervous… But it's hard. I feel like Ublaz already knows. Oh, and you owe me a new lip-gloss."
But that wasn't the real reason Sagitar was nervous. She couldn't help guilt from clawing at her.
"Can't do. I'm afraid there aren't any cosmetics in the Bloodkeel's storage room. They do have a rather large supply of glow-in-the-dark condoms, though."
"Thanks, but you can keep your condoms to yourself, Rasconza."
"Well, anyways, you weren't acting suspicious around Ublaz though, were you? Like, Here's your vodka, your mightiness. And, just thought you'd like to know, I can't sit and get drunk with you this time, seeing as I'm secretly working for Rasconza and his miscreants." teased the Rebel Crew leader.
"Shut up! I'm already risking my butt here for your plan, the least you could do is be nice to me." She cast her eye nervously about the jetty; making sure noone was listening in on their conversation. The docks remained deserted. Sagitar let out a sigh of relief.
"All you need to do is, when Ublaz orders you to leave his castle, sneak off to the rebel crew and when the time comes to reveal your treachery, I'll say "Unveil yourself for the Mighty Ublaz" and you be all cool and freaky and pull off your hood so he can see your face" Rasconza paused as though thinking it over.
"It's that simple," He continued " So really, you've got it pretty good."
Sagitar shivered even though the tropical-ness of Sampetra always kept the temperature warm. She didn't feel all too cool and freaky at the moment.
"Okay, I'll call you later if anything comes up. Bye—
She was about to hang up when Rasconza started talking again. "Why are you hanging up? I have a lot of time, you know, since all the rebels avoid me. They're scared 'cause I killed Barranca so none of them will talk to me except Grewjaw, and you know what he's like."
Of course she did, it seemed everyone on Sampetra thought Groojaw was crazy because of his strange obsession with making bombs and blowing up stuff.
"I'm just nervous… what if I'm doing the wrong thing, betraying Ublaz and all."
"It's ok, Sag, I know your guilty because you have an endless, undying, fiery and passionate lust for him but you've got to understand, he's way out of your league" Rasconza pointed out, "He likes Romsca or whoever now that she ditched us and became his secretary."
Sagitar responded loudly, forgetting her fear of being overheard. "I do not have an endless, undying, fiery and… Whatever, I don't have feelings for Ublaz, okay?" she lied even though she knew she was a terrible liar. She tried to think up a witty comeback. "You're…you're probably just saying that because you're jealous of him"
"Me, jealous of Ublaz? Not a chance. The only reason why he's the chick magnet he is is because he's swimming in money and he's got a six-pack."
"And you're a skinny little po boy with no money and no muscles. Yup Rasconza, the perfect reasons for you to be jealous of him."
"Shut up." Rasconza said frostily
"As you wish, Great Rebel Leader" She said, her voice dripping sarcasm. Then, she hung up.
Suddenly, she felt a cold claw rest on her shoulder
"You wouldn't happen to be zpeaking with the Rebel Leader Razconza would you Zagitar?" Said a hissing reptilian voice. Sagitar knew who it was before she turned around.
"AHHH!" She yelped with fright when she saw Monitor General lizard Lask Frildur.
"Wow, Lask, you scared the crap out of me." She hated the monitor lizards. Especially Lask. They all creeped her out but he was by far the worst. She also hated the way he called her "Zagitar".
"Who were you talking to?", he demanded, leaning in close to her, his rancid breath smelled of raw meat.
Sagitar usually didn't listen to rumours, especially considering most of them were about her and Ublaz fucking in the throne-room. But many corsairs believed the lizards were flesh eating, and she sure didn't want to find out if those rumours were true.
The emperor's Chief Trident-rat recoiled as far back from Lask as she could without losing her balance, shrugging his scaly hand off her.
" Er… Craig. He does a very good Rasconza impersonation. But it sounds like he has a lisp because of his lip-piercing."
A masterpiece of a lie, huh? Craig was the Trident-rat second to Sagitar, one rank below Chief. Only reason he ranked on the popularity chart: he was the only guy apart from Ublaz who had a six-pack (the only reason she knew this, was because she saw it at a pool party, OK perverts?).
Still looking suspicious, Frildur sauntered away towards Ublaz's palace. Once again a sigh of relief shook Sagitar's lean, sinewy frame. That had been too close. But very soon, she reminded herself, this would all end.
Little did she know, however, that very soon, her problems would get much more complicated than a couple of glow-in-the-dark-condoms.