Devil-gurl666 says:WARNING, this episode contains a rich, spoilt (But very hot if I may say so) bastard in boxers, violence (as in someone being beaten with a fake Louis Vuitton purse), a very wrong moment between Sagitar and Rasconza, and a deeply peverted lizard monitor. VIEWER DESCRETION IS ADVISED.
Devil's advocate says: Call us strange, but crude humour is our expertise, so bear with us, and
Enjoy!
SWEET SAMPETRA SEASON 1:
Episode 9: The One with the Bullet-proof BraIt had been at a very early hour in the morning when the strange visitors had arrived. Ublaz had been deeply submerged in the warm folds of sleep, and lost in the most absurd of dreams.
It had stared out quite good, actually. He had lain entangled in the gorgeous Latino rat, Rinj, on the beach of a tropical island paradise of white sands and clear azure waters, locked in her fierce, passionate kiss…when suddenly a purple pelican with Barranca's head dropped from its perch on a tall, but bizarrely crooked palm-tree.
"We've got a search-warrant! We've got a search-warrant!", the violet pelican cawed repetitively, as it pecked Ublaz's eyes out, and Rasconza and Sagitar, both transformed into hermit-crabs laughed raucously at him, "We've got a search-warrant! We've got a search-warrant!" …
The emperor eyes snapped open. His breath was coming out in short, sharp, pants and sweat dampened the fur on his forehead. It was only a dream, he reassured himself, the creepy Barranca-pelican's not going to eat you alive…But, he wouldn't have minded it if Rinj's alluring taste, fresh on his tongue, had been real…
The heavy oak doors of his bedchamber slammed open without so much as a warning nock, sending a narrow shaft of white light searing his eyes. Ublaz sat bolt upright, who the hell do they think they are, barging in on me like that? After much squinting, he made out Romsa's narrow figure in the doorway.
"Your Mightiness, we have visitors at the gates. Should I let them in?"
He abruptly realised why the former corsairess raised an eyebrow at him when she spoke. Feeling very self-conscious at the thought of her keen eyes wandering over his merely boxer-clad body, he retreated (with as much dignity as he could still retain) under the forgiving cover of his Egyptian cotton bed-sheets.
"Er… who are they, Romsca?"
"Maybe you should come see for yourself," she paused to flash him a playful smile, "That is of course, after you have dressed yourself, Sire."
He felt his cheeks burn with utter shame.
By the time Ublaz viewed the visitors on the mammoth plasma TV hooked up to the spy-cams at the palace's main gate, he was sure he must still be trapped within his disturbing dream. Leaning "at ease" on one of the gate's ivory stoned pillars was a striking vixen with an almost comical detective-trench coat draped over her sleek frame, and a short little lemming wearing a tiny black fedora, at her side, brandishing a rather large magnifying glass before him.
Holding the intercom's receiver up to his mouth, the young emperor gazed perplexedly at the two puzzling individuals.
"What brings you to my fortress?"
It was the miniature lemming who answered, in a heavy, derisory Scottish accent,
"Oi, mah lad, the name's Detective Herbert Scruffogolopomus, and this 'ere's mah luvely assistant Foxy Penelope…"
"But you can call me Penelope," the vixen winked at him, and Ublaz fought hard not to blush for the second time that morning, he wasn't about to fall smitten for this foxy, yet suspicious female.
"What's your purpose here, Mr, uh…Scruffogomy , or whatever?"
"It's Scruffogolopomus, lad. We're here to investigate the murder of Sir Radovick Von Stoopovick," then he said something that made Ublaz shiver, "We've got a search-warrant."
However sceptical he was of these shady characters, perhaps if he invited them into his palace he would discover more of their true intent. Of course it wasn't like his hospitality had anything to with Foxy Penelope's tempting enticement, he was almost sure of that…almost.
"I know nothing of this "Von Stoopovik" guy, but you are welcome within my castle," he mechanically buzzed the twisted black gates open, and the plasma screen went blank. Then he swivelled in his chair, cool-freaky-dangerous-like, to face Lask Frildur seated next to him.
"Please keep a close eye on our guests, General. We wouldn't want them getting into any trouble, now would we?"
"Where were you when the crime took place?", Sagitar peered over her notepad at an extremely agitated looking Craig, who at the moment was being prodded and searched by Barranca, disguised as a Scottish lemming. She'd had doubts about the little ferret's scheme to masquerade as detectives, but now, just watching the usually composed and conceited trident-rat shuffling fearfully under Barranca's harsh inspection she knew this was deffinately worth it.
"I swear I didn't kill him, I've never done anything against the law, honest!"
Sagitar raised an eyebrow, "Then why, when we looked on your file, did we discover you have a criminal record for property theft?"
"Property theft!" Craig looked at her incredulously.
Yeah, like the time you stole my Maybelline Mascara for that servant-bitch Mandy, she thought darkly.
"I don't want to go into the details, Mr…", She then faltered realising she didn't know his last name, "…Mr. Craig. What I want to know is, have you been a bad-boy lately?"
She leaned in closer, hoping to be intimidating. This obviously had the wrong effect, for he grinned and whispered to her beguilingly;
"I'll be bad if you want me to, babe"
Sagitar opened her mouth to reply, but was cut off when Barranca snatched her fake Louis Vuitton purse and swung it like a flexible club at Craig, sending him recoiling backwards, clutching his face.
"Uh…thanks." She said, and Conva's little bro tipped his black fedora to her.
"Anytime, lassie, anytime."
This time in slow-mo, Ublaz re-watched the video clip of the miniature lemming clouting the unfortunate trident-rat with the purse, a broad smile crossing his handsome features. A reptilian slither behind him alerted him of his monitor lizard general's approach.
"What is it, Lask?", he momentarily paused the footage. Frildur entered with Scruffogolopomus and Foxy Penelope at his back.
"The detectivez are wondering if they can zearch the Monitor Barrackz below, your Mightinezz."
The emperor pondered it for a moment. The investigators posed no threat of setting Rasconza free as they did not posses the keys to the dungeons, and the locks were un-pickable. Foxy Penelope flaunted him a quick smile…
"Alright."
Lask led them down into the unpenetrable barracks, Ublaz reclined felinely in his swivel chair, letting his hypnotic gaze return to the video monitor's screen, which had frozen to exhibit Foxy Penelope. But as he beholded her, in all her enthralling vulpine beauty, something most strange caught his eye. On her feet she wore (clashing quite conspicuously with her flaming red fur) a pair of hot-pink jean stilettos he quite easily recognised.
As they followed Fridrul down the gloomy, dreary stone staircase that seemed to spiral endlessly downward into the ebony shadows of Ublaz's prison Foxy Penelope (a.k.a. Sagitar) squeezed Barranca's arm to get him to slow down that they could talk without Lask eavesdropping.
Unfortunately, the ferret was taken by surprise and nearly jumped a mile while letting out a loud shriek as soon as Sagitar barely touched him.
"Nice work, Sherlock. So you got us into the Monitor barracks but now what? We have no way of picking the locks or anything and no brilliant scheme of saving Rasconza." She whispered. "Oh, yeah, and you scream like a girl."
Barranca winced. "Seriously, you and Rasconza are perfect for each other. You're like his female clone, only hotter."
"Whatever." Said Sagitar, which was what she always said when she didn't have a snappy response.
"You're just saying that 'cuz you know it's true."
Penelope growled. Why, out of all beasts, did she have to be stuck in the monitor Barracks with the most annoying rodent on the planet, Barranca? She almost rather would be carrying out the plan with Rinj or Groojaw. No, not Groojaw. If she were with him, they probably wouldn't even make it into Ublaz's courtyard without him blasting them to smithereens. Though she hated to admit it, maybe Barranca was the best choice after all.
Down in the barracks the only source of light were the dim torches that were set in the jet-black, iron torch-holders nailed into the stone walls. Sagitar stuck one stilettoed foot-paw out, about to enter the hall that led between the barred cells when Lask stepped in front of her, barring her path.
Foxy Penelope moved to the left, hoping to slide past him, but he moved to.
"I muzt zearch you for weaponz or pickz before you may enter the barrackz." The monitor lizard grinned maliciously. "Ublaz'z orderz."
Sagitar shivered. The though of that reptilian freak running his scaly hands all over her repulsed her. Just then, she felt Barranca press something cold and metallic into her paw from behind; she recognized it by it's shape immediately: it was the key for Rasconza's cell. Barranca had snatched it from Craig while he'd been whacking him with her purse.
Nice timing, Barranca, she thought wryly, just when I'm about be searched by this lizard creep.
"I have nothing to hide" she lied "There's no need for a search."
Lask pulled out a metal detector from what seemed like out of nowhere. "You either let me zearch you both, or you may not pazz."
Guess I don't have an option. She sauntered forward a few paces, sliding the key into the only where there was a hope of it not being found, down her bra. She stuck out her arms vertically, in the position people normally took up when being checked at an airport.
The monitor General sly grin remained plastered on his face as he put down the metal-detector and began patting her down with his 'scaly' hands, checking for anything hard that might be a concealed weapon.
He's probably enjoying every moment of this, Sagitar thought, what a perv.
All the while Barranca stood watching, as if he was completely innocent and this was not at all his fault, fighting back laughter by pretending to have a particularly violent coughing fit. Not even her fierce, icy glare could silence him. It became almost unbearable when Lask got to her lower back and Barranca started snorting. She had to stop Lask before he went any lower.
"That's enough." She said, slapping him away.
Sagitar was relieved. She was actually convinced they'd get away with this whole, hair-brained heist until Lask's metal detector started beeping like nuts as it past over her chest.
"What are you hiding there, fox?" He asked, eyes hooded with suspicion.
Penelope stuttered, trying to think up a satisfactory excuse. "It's..umm.. my bra…yeah, my bra's bullet-proof. You can never be too careful these days." Smooth, Sag, very smooth.
Lask still didn't look very convinced, but he let her pass.
After searching Barranca, who made a way to big deal over the fact that the lizard wouldn't let him take his magnifying glass in with him, he let them in.
" But I need it to examine the evidence!" He protested, then to Sagitar, in a stage whisper, said "These lizards of Ublaz's are thicker than I thought, I mean what a dummy! It's not like you can fit the end of a magnifying glass into a key-hole"
"At least he let us be alone, I was afraid he'd stand there keeping his little reptilian eyes on us the whole time, ughh!" Sagitar shivered again.
"Dude, you have some serious lizard issues."
"Whatever."
They inspected the filthy cells through they're thick iron bars as best they could, trying to appear convincing for Ublaz's spy-cams. As she proceeded, visiting chamber after deserted chamber, anxiety clutched Sagitar harder and harder in it's grip. What if Ublaz has already murdered Rasconza? No, she knew despite his charming exterior the emperor of Sampetra could be very cruel. He'd have wanted to torture Rasconza by taking his freedom and leaving him to rot in a prison…then have him killed slowly and painfully.
But just when her hope started flickering, she found none other than the sly Rebel Leader stretched on dry hay-cot in the last cell, apparently fast asleep.
"Rasconza!", she hissed and the fox groaned and sat up, rubbing his eyes groggily.
"Who the—", he started than saw her and a dreamy look drifted onto his features, "Whoa, who are you?"
"Your grandmother," her voice dripped with sarcasm, but then, seeing the horror stricken look on his face she added, "it's Sagitar, you idiot!"
"Sag you look…damn fine."
"Never mind that," she turned away, so he wouldn't see her blushing, "I'm gonna get you out of here."
"Yeah, how exactly?"
"Well, I've got the key."
"Really, how'd you get it past Lask Frildur?"
"Uh…about that…", she sighed, then moved in as close to him as the iron bars would permit her and whispered, "Reach down my bra."
"Wha…", Rasconza looked up at her in shock, "Did you just say what I thought you said?"
"The key's down there, Rasconza."
"Oh. Won't it look kinda suspicious if I just reach up your shirt suddenly?"
"I don't know. Just…"
"Just what?"
"….Act like we're making out or something, and then you…" she felt her face growing very hot.
"Reach up your shirt?", he finished dubiously.
"Look, Rasconza. Do you want to get out of here, or not? 'Cause I can just go, and leave you in this hell-hole or whatever."
He stood and slid his face through the bars, she froze as she felt his paws on her waist.
"Believe me, Sag, you're not going anywhere," and he found her mouth with his, kissing her deeply. An odd shiver shuddered through her as his body pressed to hers…
"You're only supposed to pretend to kiss me!", she gasped, wrestling her lips away from him.
"Geez, relax. Ublaz'll think I'm trying to molest you or something."
"Yeah, that's what it feels like at the moment."
"You don't mean that, Sag. You know you were enjoying it."
She pulled her arms around his neck, and touched the tip of her fake snout to his, "Shut up a moment."
Emperor Ublaz was starting to get seriously suspicious of this Scrufolompa-guy and his striking assistant the Foxy Penelope character. He'd always thought they were strange, but what had really made him start thinking was the whole Penelope-wearing-the-pink-jean-stiletto-thing. Sagitar was constantly confirming to him that they were vintage and that they were the only pair ever fabricated.
Well, either she was lying, or Foxy Penelope wasn't exactly who she said she was.
"Mightiness!"
Craig came scrambling into his bedchamber, lung's heaving as if he'd run a marathon even though he'd really only ran down the hall. For his six-pack and all his buff-ness, the trident-rat sure wasn't very athletic. It just proved Ublaz's theory that Sagitar's rat posse was a bunch of guys on steroids.
"Yes, what is it?"
"I think there's something you'd like to see."
Ublaz followed Craig into the security room. He pointed to one of the security cameras on the far right. Ublaz saw something he definitely didn't like seeing.
The screen depicted Rasconza and Penelope ensnared in a passionate kiss while the Rebel leader was reaching his paw up her detective trench coat.
"Free porn" grinned the trident-rat.
Ublaz groaned, "Wow, well woop-dee-doo" He said, with more than a hint of sarcasm in his voice. He tried to keep himself composed, while inside he was seething with anger. Damn fox. He'd already got Sagitar drooling all-over him, and now Penelope. Ublaz would have strangled him. He seriously would have, if it hadn't been for the fact that something on the security cam caught his hypnotic eye and distracted him.
"Craig, freeze the image and zoom in on Foxy Penelope's stomach for a second."
Craig gave the Emperor an odd look, but obliged, highlighting the chosen area and pressing down the zoom button.
"Just as I thought." Ublaz smirked. Where Rasconza's paw was reaching, the other fox's shirt had gone up to reveal some grey fur.
"Tell me, Craig, what kind of 'fox' has orange head and paws but a grey furred body and wears pink-jean stilettos?"
Since Craig, who wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, as Barranca put it, still didn't get it, Ublaz decided he'd just have to say it himself.
"A Sagitar in disguise fox."
Ublaz had always thought there was a strange likeness between Foxy Penelope and his ex-chief-trident-rat, and now, he finally understood why. How could you have been so dumb, dude? said the annoying Barranca in his head that had somehow replaced his conscience.
Then the second thing hit like a ton of bricks, painful. If Foxy Penelope was Sagitar then the detective Scrufolopo-thing must be …
Barranca had still been fruitlessly inspecting thickly dust-carpeted cell when he noticed Sagitar's disappearance. Oh no, maybe she was abducted by Lask Frildur, he thought as he ran the length of the Barrack's corridor yelling,
"Sagita—I mean, Foxy Penelope! Foxy Penelope!"
He rounded a corner, then stopped dead in his tracks.
Never mind, she's been abducted by Rasconza… again.
"Lovebirds! How about sticking your tongues down each other's throats when we're not in enemy territory!"
Sagitar shot him a look, whispered something to the Rebel Leader, then drew away.
"I was only—Shit."
Barranca followed her gaze to where Craig, Ublaz and Lask Frildur were descending the dungeon stairs, and they didn't look like they were here for tea and crumpets.
"We've been ratted out, boys," Conva's little bro muttered, darkly.
Before any of the discovered rebels could react, Ublaz's sabre point pinned Sagitar back against the cold chamber wall, Lask held a struggling Barranca upside-down by his ankles and Rasconza (who had twisted the key in it's lock and slipped out of his cell) and Craig circled each other, eyes narrowed with contempt.
With a quick swipe Penelope's fake muzzle was knocked to the floor. Sagitar flashed Ublaz a seraphic smile.
"I can explain."
To be continued…
A/NDevil-gurl666 says: Hope you weren't too disturbed, or scarred for life, or whatever.
Devil's advocate says: And thank you to those who gave us reviews (You guys won't burn in hell like the rest of those damned fanictioners! )