Devil-gurl666 says:Ublaz, as we all know, is very very rich, and because of that he should have some sort of odd creatures for bodyguards…
Devil's advocate says: UNLEASH THE GIGANTIC, RADIO-ACTIVE SQUID!
Devil-gurl666 says: ………how about no.
Devil's advocate says: Freakish, bearded, man-ladies?
Devil-gurl666 says: Don't think so. Let's just let the readers find out for themselves, shall we?
Devil's advocate says: Fine. (Goes off somewhere to sulk)
SWEET SAMPETRA SEASON 1: Episode 10: The One with the Lizard NinjasRinj was very, very, pissed. The Latino corsairess flaunted her fowl mood without hesitation. She was always either brooding ceaselessly in the dingy confines of the dismal little room she had claimed as her kingdom, or prowling haughtily the Bloodkeel's decks, swearing mercilessly and profoundly at any innocent bystander who dared get in her way. (This included the horny pizza-delivery guy who had decided to come back after spying her one night, dressed merely in a flimsy, scandalously short, and almost see-through nightdress.) Even Groojaw had fruitlessly attempted to comfort her by offering to blow up her voo-doo doll of Sagitar Sawfang, but she had only muttered mordantly;
"I want her to die slowly and painfully."
Finally, boredom over-took the wily she-rat and she'd abandoned Barranca's much-adored vessel to take a leisurely stroll across the tropical backdrop of Sampetra, or as she'd put it to the other rebel: "Go find out what that hell is taking Barranca and that bitch Trident-rat so long."
"You mean Foxy Penelope," Corrected Grooja quietly, though he had to run quickly to the safety of Bloodkeel to avoid Rinj giving him a particularly nasty piece of her mind.
"If anyone," She murmured angrily to herself as she stalked across the palm tree line that divided the Island, "So much as mentions Foxy Penelope to me one more time, I'm not even gonna hesitate before kicking his sorry ass."
Her emerald hued eyes raised to rest upon Umblaz's magnificent fortress, as majestic as ever with it's formidable towers and turrets, crouched warily like some giant beast on the very crown of the grassy knoll that stood directly in her path.
She sighed. The best she could hope for was that the ferret and that rat's plan had been successful, and that Rasconza was safe and sound.
I bet Rasconza will be ecstatic when she arrives to rescue him, she thought bitterly. She could see it now… Rasconza giving Sagitar a passionate kiss (cringe) in thanks for her 'valorous' deed while Barranca pretended to look away in childish disgust, though secretly looking (the perv).
"You're the best, Sag" Rasconza would say after they broke away and she would ask innocently:
"What about Rinj?"
"Rinj? Rinj who?" he'd reply and they'd burst out laughing
White-hot rage jabbed at Rinj like a hot poker. Rasconza had been drooling over Sagitar before, but now that she'd got all fox-ified, she'd be positively irresistible in his eyes.
Hushed whispering and giggling intruded on her thoughts. She quickly slinked out of site, into the shadow of a voluminous bush, as a coyly smiling Zurgat and one of her female lizard cronies meandered nonchalantly past her.
"Omigod, Zurgat, did Lask really azk you out?"
Zurgat's cheeks blushed scarlet behind their usual jade scales and her shy smile widened. "Oh, let'z not talk about that…"
Rinj rolled her eyes, somewhere between irritated and disgusted. Lask Frildur is the Flesh-eating-lizard hottie? You've got to be kidding me.
"Omigod, he did, didn't he?", the other lizard monitor pressed on.
Zurgat relinquished, but her modest grin instantly vanished, "Well, he zaid he liked me, but he wazn't really ready for a relationzhip or anything."
Her friend snorted, scoffing, "Not ready for a relationzhip? My azz! He probably ztill'z chazing after that filthy little rat girl. Perzonally, I'd like to zee her roazted at one of Ublaz'z big banquetz."
I couldn't agree more, Rinj thought to herself darkly, as the two monitors guffawed, a terrible high-pitched, rasping, slithering sound. She was just about to slip past them, when Zurgat's associate spoke once more, and this time, her words were of the corsairess's interest.
"Oh, you know how Ublaz had thoze vizitorz, that tazty-looking little leming, and that fox?"
"Uh huh."
"I heard off Fanny, who heard off Judith, who heard of, Zamantha, who heard off Hubert, who heard off Zally, who heard off—"
"Yez?"
"That fox waz actually the rat-bitch in dizguize, trying to zave that Rebel Leader, Razzonza or zumthing!"
"Omigod!"
"I know! Yeah, zo Ublaz, Lazk, and Craig are going down right now, to deal with them, zo I guezz we won't have to worry about Zagitar anymore."
More hissing and rasping, before the twosome roamed further down the jetty, Rinj heard their voices slowly growing softer;
"Lazk iz zo brave."
"I know!…"
Her heart hammering hard in her chest, Rinj, willing herself to stay calm, sank into a sitting position at the hedge's base. How could she have been so stupid to believe a plastic muzzle and an exaggerated Irish accent would fool the conniving Ublaz, self-proclaimed emperor of the high seas? She had to have been out of her mind, or high on Domino's cheese pizza, if that was even possible.
With a metallic slither, the Latino rat promptly drew her scimitar, and precipitated apprehensively across the dock. Though she looked lethal and poised for battle on the exterior, inwardly she sighed. No matter how dead sexy you are, Rasconza, I swear this is the last time I save your devious ass.
•••
Sagitar flashed Ublaz a seraphic smile.
"I can explain."
He pushed harder on his sabre, the cruel-edged blade biting into her throat forced a gasp of pain to escape her lips.
"Well, if it isn't my dear chief trident-rat?"
Any defiance Sagitar had had left seemed to have quickly deserted her. The young emperor felt not just a little satisfaction as those large, iridescent azure eyes gazed up at him; helpless and pleading.
"A chief trident-rat who will gladly return to you if you spare my life," she pressed very close to him, adding in a soft, persuasive whisper Mad-eyes wasn't sure he'd be able to resist, "your Mightiness."
Ublaz cast his eyes away from the mellifluous assault of her blue ones (and saw Rasconza mock-gagging in disgust). No. He wouldn't give in to her.
"Sagitar, you've played enough of your tricks on me already."
"Please. I'll never betray you again. I'll do anything—"
"Even give me a lap-dance!", Barranca suddenly hollered, grinning impishly despite all the blood that was rushing to his head because Lask Frildur was still holding him upside-down.
Sagitar shot Barranca a lethal glare over Ublaz's shoulder, before turning back to the emperor, suddenly vulnerable and powerless again. He didn't have time for this. He'd have to put an end to her now…unless…
Ublaz was abruptly feeling rather diabolical—and he liked it.
"Have no fear, Sagitar," he flashed her a mock charming wink, "I've got something much more cruel than death in mind for you."
Barranca waved his arms about, his face the exact colour of a beetroot, "Tell me! The suspense is so thick, I'm feeling nauseated!"
Rasconza folded his arms over his scrawny chest, goaded. "That's because you're upside-down, you little prat."
Conva's younger bro dismissed his comment with a shrug, then looked up at Ublaz expectantly.
"Well," the emperor paused a moment, leaving them hanging (actually, Barranca was really the only one hanging, if you know what I mean), "I think I'll lock her up in the monitor barracks for a while, then...", he gave them a smile that was pure, shameless evil, "I'll make her play strip-poker with Lask Frildur here."
Now there was real fear shining in the ex chief trident-rat's eyes. The deathly silence that fallen over them all (which was really quite enjoyable for Ublaz), was unexpectedly shattered when a certain Latino corsairess peered into the dungeon and shouted;
"Hey, boys."
As if rehearsed, all the males in the room turned towards the source of the mellifluous, ever-so-slightly Spanish accented voice and started staring. Sagitar could almost see the drool dripping from their jaws. The testosterone fueled bafoons, she thought. She would have groaned aloud if it hadn't been for the fact that if her throat muscles even moved an inch, they'd be forced into Ublaz's cruel blade. The rat had expected Rinj to do something like this to win back Rasconza's affections from her. Fat chance of that.
Then, Rinj did something Sagitar hadn't anticipated. With one, quick motion, she grabbed the hem of her tight-fitting tunic and pulled it up. Way up.
Sagitar winced. Flashing the Emperor along with his dumb lizard cronnies? How low could Rinj go? Neverless, this rash action had the desired effect. Everyone went into a sort of disarrayed state of complete and utter shock. Lask dropped Barranca on his tiny head, Craig gasped and stepped back a pace, nearly tripping over his feet, and Ublaz's loosened his hold on Sagitar just a little, but enough for Sagitar to slip away.
Perfect.
The Rebels didn't waste a second. They reacted immediately Rasconza throwing Craig into his cell (with amazing macho for such a skinny little bastard as Sagitar observed).
"What the—" Lask began but was kicked very hard in a very painful area between his scaly legs by Sagitar with her stilettos heel while Barranca ran toward Ublaz, jumping on his back piggy-back-style while pulling his palms over the Emperor's mesmerizing eyes.
"Guess who?" the grinning ferret asked. Torchering Ublaz was one of his all-time favourite pass-times.
Ublaz swayed around blindly, trying to lash out at his attacker.
"Ugh! Get offa me, homo!"
Meanwhile, Rasconza gave Lask, who was cowering on in the ground in agony, what could be described as an almost sympathetic glance.
"That's got to hurt." He remarked.
Craig tried furiously to open the cell door, not realizing the irony of the fact that he'd accidentally locked himself in there in the first place.
"Run for your lives, children!" Yelped Baranca from his vantage point on Ublaz's back.
"Children?" Sagitar could have snorted. "Look who's talking."
She caught Rasconza's foxy eye. "Come on, Sag." He said, catching her arm. "Let's get out of this nut-bar before things get nasty." To Sagitar's pleasure, Rinj saw him do this. The ex-chief-trident-rat stuck her tongue out at her arch-enemy. She hadn't said anything, but the message was clear: I won again, bitch.
At the last possible moment, Barranca leaped from Ublaz's back to follow his rat and fox companions out of the barracks yelling:
"Hey! Wait for me, you crazy love-birds!"
Ublaz stood immobile at the centre of the barracks, buff chest muscles heaving from exertion. He was to fatigued from trying to throw Barranca off of him to go chasing after Rasconza and his fateful sidekicks at the moment. He'd resume his pursuit after a two-minute breather.
For some reason, he found his gaze falling on Rinj, who was leaning casually against one of the barred cell doors. (Yes, she has pulled her shirt back down again, perverts!) She was trying to look contended, but even Ublaz, who didn't know her too well, could tell she was disappointed.
"No exactly the heroic escape plan you'd hoped for, huh?" He said approaching her with much effort of his stiff footpaws.
Rinj turned her eyes towards the small, solitary barred window at the back of the prison, looking out to the turquoise sea, her emerald eyes distant.
"Rasconza is very unpredictable," She confessed, "Or should I say, too predictable. I should have guessed he'd go gallivanting off with Sagitar without do much as a thank-you." She paused, as if just realizing who she was talking too. "Anyways, what do you care, you're nothing but a heartless Emperor who cares of not but his gold." She harrumphed then she stormed off, nose in the air, pretty head held high. Rinj was strange. One moment, she was almost friendly to him, the next, she hated his guts. Ublaz shook his head, thinking to himself:
She sure is a mystery. He smiled to himself, a mystery that I intend to solve…
•••
The odd trio, a short, smug-looking ferret; a grim, devious fox and a female rat, still half masqueraded in her vixen guise, scurried through he maze of hallways and corridors that were the interior of Ublaz's gargantuan fortress. Though Sagitar had lived between these walls ever since she could remember, she still found herself getting lost. Each corridor looked identically to the last, same thin, brightly painted passageways dotted with the odd doorframe and decorated with the splendid, yet slightly over-rated golden wall-hangings, glass vases and bejewelled picture frames that just seemed to rub Ublaz's wealth in poor rebels faces.
"Okay, that's it." Sagitar stopped. "I'm positive we've been down this walkway before. Rasconza and Barranca exchanged dubious looks. "I'm serious!" She confirmed.
Barranca sighed dramatically "I told you we should have left a trail of breadcrumbs, geez"
"Yup, one problem with that, Grettle," The Rebellion leader observed, "Where exactly do we get the breadcrumbs?"
From around the corner came the dull, rhythmic, and somehow ominous thudding of footsteps rapidly approaching.
"They're coming! We're all gonna die!", Barranca wailed, obviously in hysterics, "Now I'm never gonna get kissed, or run out in the street naked," at this Sagitar and Rasconza both muttered Thank god, "or see the tooth-fairy, or go to a strip club, or lick a frozen pole, or eat caviar out of a model's belly-button…" he took a moment to catch his breath, "And you know what's the worst part is?"
"What?", they both asked, though none of them really cared.
"I'M GONNA DIE A VIRGIN!"
"Oh, Barranca, don't you know?", said Rasconza, master of irony, "No-one dies a virgin, 'cuz life screws us all!"
The tall shadows of several lizard monitors brandishing rifles flickered across one of the sickeningly gold-embellished walls. Sagitar snatched Rasconza by the arm, easily flinging his lanky frame into the nearest storage closet (there was a yell and a terrible crash that she guessed meant he had made a safe landing), than hurled herself in, closely followed by Barranca who slammed the door behind him. For a very long chaotic moment, they were submerged in inky darkness. Conva's bro began emitting incessant girl-screams. Then, after enduring these circumstances for long enough (In her opinion, anyway) Sagitar clamped a hand over the ferret's mouth.
"God," She hissed, "Don't you know when to shut-up?"
Baranca was about to make a muffled response when they heard reptilian voices emanating from outside the dark confines of their closet.
Rasconza reached out sightlessly in Sagitar's direction, and blushed deeply as his paw touched a soft curvy something.
The fox quickly recoiled, "Er..sorr – "
"It's only my knee, sicko," the former trident-rat muttered. Needless to say, a very awkward silence prevailed, only interrupted by Barranca's quiet sniggering.
Finally, when they were certain Ublaz's monitors were gone, Sagitar pushed the closet's door open a crack, breaking the impenetrable darkness.
"What now?" Baranca grumbled.
The three probed their surroundings. The closet was devoid of any items, strangely enough, not a single garment was in sight, or at least so they thought, at first.
"Hey, looks like our noble Emperor likes to play dress-up." Remarked a grinning Rasconza, picking up in one hand what looked like a masse of silky black fabric and scrutinizing it.
"Or at least his lizards do, anyways." Sagitar added. "These are the lizard ninja costumes."
In the dim light streaming in from the bright hallway, Sagitar recognized a wicked, wild grin form upon Barranca's kiddish features. She hated that grin. It could only mean one menacing thing.
"Hey, guys" He said, "I have a plan."
To be continued…
Devil's advocate says: Shove a gerbil up your ass through a tube…
Devil-gurl666 says: EWWWWW! What the hell!
Devil's Advocate says: Geez, don't you know? It's what they say in that song by Eminem called "Fak".
Devil-gurl666 says: Er…alright. (still very weirded out)
Anyways, thanx for your reviews. Oh, and by the way if anyone here's a fan of the Sonic the Hedgehog video games or of Tamora Pierce's "Song of the Lioness" quartet, me and my perverted friend here are planning to soon write a few wickedly hilarious fics about them too. But, have no fear, Sweet Sampetra will contnue!