A/N: Devil's advocate says: My dirty little secret: I had lesbian sex at church camp—3 times.
Devil-gurl666 says: Ewww, you little fag! And you never told me!
Devil's Advocate says: heehee. Sheesh, I was just joking. No need to get your panties in a twist.
Devil-gurl666 says: Ahem. Let's not talk about my panties. Well, anyways, this is the FINAL episode in Sweet Sampetra: Season One. Hope y'all like it (I know you will), and get ready for Season Two of our sick little revolution in the Redwall fanfics. Though I'm not so sure Brian Jacques will like it.
Enjoy!
SWEET SAMPETRA: SEASON ONE Season Finale: The One With Rinj's Dirty Little SecretMaybe it was the bugs. Maybe someone should have cautioned him against sleeping only in boxers—so that he wouldn't have arisen at midnight, ferociously scratching the inflamed blisters that had invaded his body at several ravenous mosquitos' feasting 'till he was sure all his fur would fall out. Maybe it was Barranca, who not only snored like a herd of rhinoceroses possessed, but sleep walked relentlessly, while murmuring stuff like, "Mom, I didn't steal the cookies!", and "No, I haven't been circumcised. Got a problem with that?" There was also the small detail that he was not sleeping within his customary burrow of downy Egyptian cotton bed sheets, but rather on the cruel, rigid earth. The most plausible reason, however, why Ublaz hadn't slept a wink that night on the desert island was because of Sagitar Sawfang, his former chief Trident-rat.
The emperor of Sampetra had trudged wearily through the jungle to the shore, still clad merely in his Calvin Kleins, and had lain back on the beach, letting the cool sand tickle his spine and letting the rhythmic crashing of the waves flood his ears, reminding him of his corsair days. That was when he'd heard the scuffling of footpaws tentatively approaching.
"Mind if I join you?" Sagitar stood inquiringly by his side. When he shook his head, she lowered herself down beside him, hugging her knees to her chest. Strangely enough, he didn't unduly disapprove of her company, despite her heartless betrayal of him for the rebels. It would seem that time had washed away the bitterness he'd had for her, like the tide sweeping away the flotsam. And it was somehow both awkward, yet slightly (But only the very slightest bit) pleasurable to have her eyes considering the nakedness of his chest. Honestly, he hadn't sit-upped himself silly for nothing.
"Do you miss it? The sea I mean," Her fur glimmered silver in the moonlight, her eyes a mysterious grey-blue.
His usual reply nearly left his lips: No, I'm glad I'm not a murderous, swashbuckling scoundrel. Its so much fun being cooped up in a palace all day with nothing to do but write paperwork, sleep with random maidservants and (If I get really bored) hypnotize unfortunate trident-rats into jumping off the battlements. But today, he didn't feel like spouting all that refined aristocratic shit.
"Sometimes. I can have anything I want right now, but in a weird, cliché sort of way, it isn't enough. There's something alluring about a life of crime, a sort of reckless freedom that, forbidden as it is, I long to taste. Its almost as if the vulgarity of it makes it that much more desirable."
And that was probably the deepest thing he'd ever said in his shallow, corrupt life. Except that time he'd said something cheesy to Mandy about "True love". But that had been stolen from the chick-flick Romsca had been watching, and he'd only said that so that she'd think him terribly romantic. But he wasn't. True love was crap made up by some commercial businesses to get guys to spend ridiculous amounts of money on their girlfriends. Believe me, Ublaz had dated far too many gold-digging sluts in his lifetime.
"Well I must admit that I myself have a forbidden desire, Ublaz," She leaned in, filling the gap between them. He watched, breathless, as her lips parted, a moment from his very own, "But it's you I long to taste."
Though Ublaz, being the mega-hottie he was, had been told many a cheesy lines like this by numerous girls, and was normally immune to such charms, somehow he found himself beneath her, her every curve and contour warm against his bare chest, her mouth pressed to his. He was much stronger than her, and could have easily pushed her off him, he but found himself totally helpless. He didn't know what it was, the way her soft, silky silver fur felt against him, or maybe the way those cobalt eyes, burning with wanting, seemed to look straight through his miserable, cool-and-under-control-rich-guy disguise, but she made him melt like hot wax.
Then suddenly, it wasn't Sagitar on top of him, but a different rat. The sight of her, her lustrous black fur dishevelled, her lips ripe and swollen from kissing, her emerald eyes wide, made him roll her underneath of him, made him slip his tongue past her lips, made him hunger for her…
"Hey, you guys," Rinj materialized from the darkness, her flashlight casting a slender beam of light onto the sand. He lay entangled only with Sagitar, "get a room."
Ublaz flashed her a roguish grin, "What, want some too?" he proceeded to ostentatiously lavish Sagitar's neck with passionate kisses.
Rinj rolled her eyes and retreated back into the jungle, though Ublaz was satisfied. Perhaps if she got a little jealous, she'd realise her feelings for him. His insight was short lived however, for his conscience (Which he'd mentally locked away in a high security vault) quickly chimed in: what feelings? You mean how she thinks you're a bloodthirsty tyrant, 'cause you know, she's right.
• • •
"Well congratulations, Ublaz, now I think you've officially done every girl on Sampetra."
Ublaz sighed, giving Barranca a weary look, "Yeah, except the one I actually want to do."
Rasconza, who was lounging about, his undernourished frame draped over a beach-chair (how did that get there?), sat up exasperatedly.
"Such a shame, your mightiness, you have some mad cheddar pouring out your ears, all the girls following you like a herd of a sheep, more caviar than Baranca and I think about in our wildest daydreams and it's still just not enough. You're the pimp and one chick simply doesn't want to be your groupie. Life just can't go on." You could smell the scorn in his voice, well at least Ublaz could.
"Yeah," Baranca gazed out at the sunrise wistfully, "I wish I had that kind of crisis going on."
Ublaz stroked an imaginary beard. "What was Rinj doing sneaking around at that time of night anyway?"
"The same thing you were doing?" Barranca blurted, than fell silent, realizing what he'd said.
"Sure, Rinj snuck off in the middle of the night to go make-out with Sagitar." Rasconza snorted, "In your dreams, Barranca. Literally."
"In my dreams, actually, this African tribal women was trying to have me circumcised. You know really, it was more of a nightmare, this creepy old woman with a knife trying to cut off your…"
But Ublaz was hardly listening. Barranca's words had set off a train of thought in his mind. Maybe Rinj had crept out of bed to see someone confidentially. Not Sagitar, of course (that would never happen, not even in his wildest lesbian fantasy), but someone else. A secret lover, perhaps? He had to find out. He might have competition, though he doubted this guy had a six-pack, his own island and a private leer-jet (or used to, at least).
• • •
Twilight came over the desert island once more, and Rinj departed on her mysterious venture. Ublaz was lying, feigning sleep, when he heard the light crunch of her footfalls disturb the eccentric calls of the jungle. He waited for her to disappear into the shadows before noiselessly rising to his feet, though slumber beckoned seductively to him. He was making his way precariously across the clearing where the castaways slept—
"Ublaz, what are you doing?"
The emperor froze, then turned around slowly. Rasconza, who had been stretched out with enviable comfort on the rough earth, propped himself up on one elbow, looking a little smug, like he'd caught him doing something sneaky.
"I'm err…taking a leak. Yeah, taking a leak, if you have to know."
"With night-vision goggles?"
"…Yeah…why not?"
The fox yawned, "Man, Mad-eyes, I thought you were weird. Now I know you're just plain creepy."
Ublaz couldn't help getting a crack at the Rebel Leader as he entered the luxuriant undergrowth, "Yeah, well I guess Sagitar likes us creepy guys."
He just barely managed to stoop behind a palm tree as a dagger came whistling past his head.
The sky sank, a fiery cocktail swirl above the sundry treetops. Ublaz clicked off his flashlight and slipped the night-vision goggles over his eyes, his whole world exuding an eerie synthetic green (Not that the jungle hadn't been green to start with). Now he could pursue Rinj from just a step behind her. Hopefully the darkness would cloak his presence. He couldn't help feeling a little pathetic. Wasn't he like one of those hopeless high-school nerds who stalked the hot, popular girls they had huge crushes on, when the girls didn't even notice them? Like they were invisible. Maybe he really shou—
Whump.
And that's what love does to you. Makes you walk into palm trees.
Rinj whirled around, her flashlight beam franticly probing the foliage, till it fell on him, strewn on the ground, those ridiculous night-vision goggles screening his eyes. So maybe he hadn't been invisible before—but now he was wishing he was.
"Ublaz!" Rinj hissed,
"No," Ublaz said, trying pathetically to shield himself with a banana leaf, "It's your mom."
Though it was pitch-black, and those hideous, geek-stroyed goggles were only halfway still on his face, he could clearly make-out Rinj narrowing her eyes and giving him the hateful look she saved only for him. How he loved it when she was pissed-off.
"What are you doing?" She demanded, shining the light in his eyes, making him squint painfully.
"Uh…taking a leak?" As soon as the suggestion left his mouth, he knew she wouldn't buy it. He wasn't even buying it himself. Stay dignified, Ublaz, dignified. Hard to be dignified when you're caught obsessing over some chick like a freaky stalker in night-vision goggles. He scrambled to his feet, ripping the lenses off before they caused further embarrassment.
"Well, I'm definitely not following you."
"Then I strongly advise you stop "not" following me."
"So you want me to follow you?"
"No, and if that's what you call flirting you must have hypnotized every girl you've ever slept with," she cast him a cheeky, mocking grin, before resuming her stride deeper into the jungle. Still, he thought he'd caught something almost like challenge in her tone.
Well, Ublaz's charm hadn't failed him yet. In high school, one winning smile had won him a date with the prom queen. One winning smile and a hundred-dollar bill, Casanova. He really had to do something about his conscience.
He caught up with her easily, granting her one of the smouldering looks he'd been obliged to perform as a Calvin Klein underwear model, "Oh, you haven't seen me flirt yet, Rinj."
"Yeah, and I don't think I wanna," she rolled those lovely green eyes, her paws resting resolutely on her hips.
But Ublaz hardly heard. The front of her heavy dark trench coat had fallen open, and he caught a fleeting glimpse of all that lay beneath, in this case, a bra of the racy, exotic lace notorious for La Perla. He'd been right (as always), Rinj was seeing someone. Mandy only ever wore La Perla when she had a little something on her mind Barranca liked to call the s-word. And that wasn't Splenda.
The corsairess caught his gaze, and her paws franticly sprung to the front of her coat. "Not for your eyes," she growled.
"For who's then?"
"Uh…no-one," he saw, however, the way she wavered a moment, rummaging for an excuse.
"Don't give me that," he persisted, "I know you've been sneaking off somewhere ever since we came to this island."
"Is that why you're following me?"
Of course she wouldn't tell him. It was probably Rasconza, anyways. He knew Rinj adored him. He'd even overheard her offering to take him back to Sampetra on her jet-skis (which they'd all planned on using to return, but no-one could decide who'd get to use them first)—leaving the rest of them stranded. Rasconza didn't want to ditch Sagitar (this was before the whole making-out-on-the-beach thing), and they'd gotten into a fight, meanwhile, Ublaz had sent Craig to go steal the jet-skis right from beneath their (freakishly long, in Rasconza's case) snouts. Ublaz really should have remembered never to let the dumb-as-brick trident-rat use heavy machinery, for Craig came back, empty-pawed, claiming the jet-skis had just "run off". When Ublaz, seething with rage, had demanded how they could have just "run off", Craig simply had said, "Like this, sire," and had dashed off to the campsite.
"Well I wasn't exactly following you, I just came here to investigate."
"Right. Are you ever just gonna give up and leave me alone?"
"Not any time soon."
She sighed. "Fine, Mad-eyes. I think I know what will make you."
"And that is?"
Rinj drew her supple body up against his and pressed her face so close, their whiskers met and he inhaled her piquant, delicious perfume.
"Close your eyes, Ublaz. I know what you've been wanting," her voice was a low, sultry whisper, he felt her thigh, bare beneath her trench coat, against his leg… he couldn't help but surrender to her. That desperate craving for her reawakened within him, and he let his eyes drop closed, anticipating her kiss…
"But you can't have it." With that, her fist slammed into his head, hard, and darkness clouded his vision.
He grappled for a moment with consciousness. She punches almost as hard as Sagitar, he thought, but damn, she's hot when she's mad. Then he slipped into oblivion.
• • •
Smack!
"Oww! What the hell?" Ublaz sat up with a jolt. His head not only throbbed painfully, but now his cheek stung ruthlessly. Not to mention the tropical sun was searing his eyes till he was sure he'd go blind.
"Sorry, I was only trying to wake you up." As the emperor blinked groggily, he made out Barranca standing over him, looking anything but apologetic.
"Well, it doesn't mean you have to bitch-slap me," Ublaz raised a paw tenderly to his pulsating temple, "And anyways, you know you have to be a bitch to—nevermind."
"Actually it's a good thing you're awake seeing as Rasconza was planning to murder you in your sleep with my eyebrow tweezers," Sagitar, who appeared by Barranca's side, gave him a sympathetic glance. "But whatever. What happened to you last night? Even I think you look like shit."
He winced. That meant he must look pretty darn bad. "Err…let's just say it's complicated."
Rinj gave an irked sigh. Fortunately, Sagitar didn't notice. She'd probably get the wrong idea if she thought he and Rinj had spent the night together. Barranca however, seemed to have eyes growing out of the back of his head.
"Oh, I think I know what this is about," the small ferret grabbed Ublaz by the arm and hauled him up excruciatingly, "I think it's time you and I had a little chat."
He heard Rasconza mutter something about them going off to have gay sex, but chose to ignore it.
After Barranca had plunked him on a tacky beach chair (that for some reason was on a desert island) away from the rest, Conva's bro glared seriously at his head, which was now no doubt boasting a colossal lump.
"Did Rinj do that to you?"
"You crazy?…Alright, maybe…Okay, okay yeah, she did this to me."
"Dude. I thought I had girl problems."
"And you think you can help me?" Sure, like I need advice from a virgin.
"Well, yes, actually. I have the best pick-up lines, and they always work. You'll have all the chicks swooning in no time."
"I'm so sure."
"No seriously. I'll give you an example. Like: "Your eyes are as blue as the
ocean, and baby, I 'm lost at sea," or "Somebody needs to write 'explosive' on you, 'cause you da bomb!" And, my personal favourite: "If you were my homework, I'd do you on my desk."
"Right," Ublaz stood precariously, "You know, I think I'll be fine thank you. Even if it means not returning to the campsite in one piece."
• • •
DESERT ISLAND, 12:34 pm. SPY ON RINJ TO FIND OUT WHO SHE'S HAVING A TORRID, PASSIONATE (DAMN, I WISH I WAS THAT GUY) LOVE AFFAIR WITH: TAKE TWO
Emperor Mad-eyes was smiling ruthlessly to himself. Not because his Swiss Bank account's interest rate had gone up exceedingly, or not because he'd plotted the perfect plan to annihilate Rasconza and his pesky ever-loyal band of corsair once and for all. (Though he wished he did) No, Ublaz was content because he was marvelling at his utter brilliance.
That evening, the pine-martin had gone rummaging in the charred remains of the Lear jet (This earning him many a strange look from the rest of the gang. Luckily, they assumed he was mourning the tragic loss of his high-tech play-toy,). He returned triumphantly fifteen minutes later with a salvaged GPS tracking system concealed in his pocket.
Then, it had only been the simple matter of clipping the tracker onto the inside lining of Rinj's trench coat and voilà, instant stalker paradise. All he had to do was wait at the camp till the little beeping red dot that was Rinj reached it's destination, then go there himself. He need not worry about following her around, half-blind in the darkness with only those dorky goggles for company.
Of course, like any plan, it needed some work. There were a couple of obvious flaws. Ublaz was relying mostly on the fact that: (1) Rinj wore the same trench coat, which was quite unlikely. Knowing girls, Ublaz knew they avoided wearing the same thing twice in a row at any cost, and (2) That Rinj was distracted enough not to notice the tracker. If she did…well, let's just say no plastic surgery would fix Ublaz's face from that sort of damage.
He staked-out in his sleeping bag, and had almost dozed off, until he smelled that delicious sent lingering in his nostrils (that could only mean Rinj) and heard the rhythmic beeping of the GPS. He sat bold upright, stiff and erect.
Erect, erection, haha.
Yeah, Ublaz, he thought to himself, Penis jokes are so not funny.
Rinj was already gone. Making slightly less noise than a pair of ants in slippers, the aristocrat pulled on a black hoodie, drawing the hood over his ears, then crept away towards the trees.
Ublaz was pretty spooked. Sure he'd seen many scary things in his nineteen years: Sagitar, after he'd destroyed her favourite pair of heels; Barranca, singing karaoke to Christina Aguilera's Beautiful. But taking a midnight stroll in the creepy, god-forsaken palm tree forest really made him shiver. Every little thing made the fur on the back of his neck stand up, from the trees' freaky black twig fingers that reached up to the dark night sky, to the simplest snap of the undergrowth. More than once he whirled around, sure he'd felt someone coming up behind him
The deathly silence of the tropical rainforest didn't help. It was so quiet he could hear his heart thumping against his ribcage. No, wait, that wasn't his heart—or if it was, it's rhythmic throbbing was strangely reminiscent to the heavy beat of Beyoncé's naughty girl. No, that definitely wasn't his heart. Hastily, he waded through the lush vegetation, towards the source of the music. With a paw, he swept back a flourishing tree-limb from his path, only to stop dead in his tracks, startled and confused by what he saw.
The jungle ended abruptly, paved over by the dark parking lot of a low-rise building teeming with rodents. Ferrets, rats and foxes (from females in glittering, provocative attire to appraising males and clusters of teens swigging Bacardi) poured into the edifice, glowing electric green under the neon sign hung above the entrance. " The Cat Scratch ", it read.
Ublaz plunged a hand in his pocket and fished out the GPS. The red dot pulsated gently, metres away. Rinj was going to a club, on a desert island? Whoa, was he high or something? Or maybe this was all just a dream, and he'd wake up, with the brackish smell of seawater gone from his nostrils, and no bleached sand clinging to his fur. That would be nice. Then he'd call Romsca for a martini and he'd tell her about his bizarre nightmare and they'd laugh, saying: "yeah, right, that would never really happen."
No. Romsca would probably be like: "You had a fantasy about fucking Sagitar on a beach? Eww. What, does chief Trident-rat secretly mean PersonalHooker?' Cause then I really don't want to know what happened when you had a male chief Trident-rat."
Not to mention he'd have the whole Sampetra muttering, "Ublaz got laid," and Craig, a renowned hopeless romantic, asking him awkward questions like, "So, was she good?"
He sauntered across the parking lot, pushing his way through the crowd. Yeah, I guess what happens on the desert island, stays on the desert island. Ducking low in the throng, he managed to slip past the club's bouncers unnoticed, and his ears flooded with a myriad of pounding music and fragments of conversation and laughter. If Ublaz, however, had been shocked by his initial discovery, what he saw as he peered over the sea of gyrating bodies left him so flabbergasted you'd think he'd seen Barranca kiss a girl who wasn't his mom.
This was what Ublaz noticed. FIRST: This was a strip club (weird hang out for Rinj, huh? Maybe Barranca's lesbian assumption needed some considering). THEN: The girl spiralling and coiling about the poll with sinuous, sensual grace was strangely familiar. Sure, he'd never explored the voluptuous contours of her body, now merely clad in a glittering bikini, but he'd memorized the planes of her face. From her high cheekbones, her rare smiles and the way her emerald eyes glinted fiercely. Then it hit him full on like a ton of bricks. Rinj. Rinj was a stripper.
No secret torrid affair. No secret lover. Just a stripper.
The fact took a while to register in Ublaz's brain. Meanwhile, he stood there gaping, eyes wide, eyebrow up, way up and moth open so big he was sure he could swallow a couple of those tropical coconuts Barranca had been eyeing with such zeal, whole.
He decided to stay cool. Lie low, keep his face hidden and hopefully, she wouldn't even recognize him.
Sampetra's Emperor turned around, preparing for a quick, inconspicuous getaway via the back door. He serpentined through a flock of wasted vixens in tight leather mini-skirts, who acknowledged him with an eruption of catcalls and wolf-whistles (or should I say fox-whistles.)
He'd just sidled up against the wall, away from the boisterous crowd, when a slender paw seized him sharply by the shoulder and a light, exquisite voice hissed in his ear,
"What are you doing here!"
Well, guess who?
Rinj sighed, her penciled brows knitted in frustration and fury. "Don't tell me you followed me here."
"Fine. I was curious, that's not a crime."
"Stalking is. And anyway, what's a refined man-whore like you doing stalking trash like me," her angry growl quivered with something like dejection, "a stripper."
"You're not trash." And even if you are, you're the sexiest trash I've ever seen, he added mentally. "Not all of us are proud of what we are."
"And what have you done that's so shameful, O Ruler of the High Seas?"
"For one thing, I've been quite a jerk to this girl. Acting like a real big ass around her—and stalking her," he thought he saw the corners of her perfect lips lift. But it must have been a trick of the light. "No honestly, some of the things I did as a corsair aren't even worth thinking about."
"Let's hear," She seemed curious in spite of herself.
"Hell, no! You'd be revolted."
She raised an eyebrow playfully, "Try me."
He cleared his throat. "Well it all started a long time ago, out on the high seas…" Ah, the high seas. Nothing like a tale of swordplay and buccaneering to get any chick smitten. There was something they found hot about wearing a bandana and hoop earrings. Though Rasconza refrained from it with a gruff, "'cause they're gay." If he wanted to see full-blooded homosexuals he needed to watch Brokeback Mountain. Seriously, after a screening of that, Ublaz couldn't help but flinch every time he heard the word "cowboy".
Enough of that, or he'd get nightmares again. On with the story, "That was when I was captain of the Bloodkeel, and my first mate was Storm, a fierce corsairess who was unvanquished with her blade—"
"Wait. Let's go outside," Rinj murmured, Ublaz felt an exalted little shiver where she touched his arm, "its way too loud in here."
She swept around—then walked headlong into a cocktail waitress. Giddily, she stumbled into his arms, her head rolling back onto his chest. He vaguely remembered the feel of her relinquished body there, cradled in his hands, from when he'd rescued her back at Sampetra.
"Whoa, someone's gettin' it on with the stripper," grinned a passing stoat, "Did you pay her or something?"
Several of the vixens who'd fancied him narrowed their eyes, sharp with bold black eyeliner, at Rinj, as though thinking, What does she have that I don't?
Ublaz suppressed a grin. That would be me, ladies—for now anyways.
With a growl, Rinj shrugged him off and straightened, he caught that old flame smoldering in her eyes. "I'm not with him!" she turned to Ulbaz, her tone bitter. "Look, Mad-eyes, why'd you came here in the first place? What do you want? 'Cause if it's to sleep with me, like every other sick guy in this club, it's not gonna happen. You might as well leave right now. And if you even think about telling a soul about what I do for a living, then by Dios, I'll kill you."
Ublaz caught her shoulder as she turned away. "I won't tell a soul that you're an exotic dancer…under one condition."
Now she was all ears. "Ok, but make it quick. You know how short my temper is."
"Rinj. I now you've made it your aim in life to hate me, though would it hurt you, just for a second, just to be civil? You can't always feed off of Rasconza's old rivalries. He has a lot more to hate me for than just conquering Sampetra."
Her lovely green eyes glared at him in defiance, and for a moment she was silent in thought. He could he the music thrumming metrically in the background.
"Fine. But you have to promise never to try to kiss me again."
He grinned, seizing her by the chin and considering that ripe, luscious mouth. "I'll try to resist you."
She gingerly extended her paw to him. So things hadn't turned out that bad after all, and bizarre as it was, she was extending her paw to Ublaz. Guess you never know what might happen on the Isle of Sampetra. "I never thought I'd say this, but… Friends?"
He took it willingly. "Friends." With benefits.
To be continued… THE ENDDevil-gurl666 says: And then they lived happily ever after.
Devil's Advocate says: Not.