Hey, I'm back with another one shot! I started one shots and got hooked! This one is for Kelly who said I had great talent, for colorES who is a great friend and person to talk about SVU with, but most of all for Kay who gave me the idea for a Sarah McLaughlin song and for talking me through some tough times! Thanx you guys!
Summ: Olivia thinks back to her unhappy child hood, through a series of flash backs. Why her? Why her mom? She was just a little girl. She didn't deserve to be treated like that.
Disclaimer: yea I know . . . don't rub it in . . .
Flash backs will be indicated by italics.
Artist: Sarah McLaughlin
Song: Home
Olivia sighed, wiping a tear from her eye. She sat on the window sill of her bed room window, over looking the busy night of New York City. The rain softly fell outside as Olivia leaned her head against the glass; her heavy breaths fogging up her view, making the street lights, tail lights of cars, and all the other lights, become blurs.
Silent, salty, tears slowly burned as they made their way down Olivia's cheeks. With the oversized sweat shirt sleeve, she wiped them away.
The tears kept falling as the memories of what use to be filled her mind.
This happened every so often when she would think of her mom, Serena. Olivia would think about her childhood and how her mom said she 'loved her' but really hated her. All because she was the product of her mom's rape.
Why me? She would ask herself.
Olivia remembered so clearly how she hated growing up. How her mom couldn't stand to look at her because somewhere deep in her eyes she saw Olivia's father . . . her rapist. But how could her mom see that? She was just a little girl back then. How much damage could she have done?
Olivia was young. Olivia didn't choose to be the product of her mom's rape. And at such a young age, she didn't know or understand why her mom hated her. Serena hadn't told her about her monster of a "father" – if she dared call him that– until she was older.
All she wanted was to be loved. But all she had were tears to remember.
Child walks down to the river's edge
And looks out as far as she can see
And draws each breath as if it were the last
And wipes away the tears across her sleeve
Memories flooded her mind. It felt so real, when she closed her eyes, she saw it play out in front of her. Say the night she cried herself to sleep . . .
The sun was setting over the Hudson Bay. From her mother's high rise apartment, six-year-old Olivia Benson watched it set; a tear rolling down her cheek.
At only six years old she was left home alone, waiting for her mother. Olivia didn't enjoy being all alone. It made her sad. Basically, in the words of a six year old, she would ask out loud, "Where's my mommy?" Then her voice would echo through the empty apartment, and get lost out the window on the busy streets of New York City.
Her mom was still at work. She had to if she and Olivia wanted to stay alive.
Olivia dialed her mother's work number . . . it rang and rang and rang . . .
"Donna's Diner." an over excited voice answered.
"Uh– may I talk to Serena?" Olivia asked, her voice shaky and unsure.
"Sorry, Serena just left on her lunch break with some guy. I'll tell her you called though. Who is this?" the voice questioned.
"It's Olivia . . . her daughter."
"Oh, she said you'd be calling. She just said :Get something from the fridge, and you better be in bed when she gets home." The lady's voice rang through the receiver, and into Olivia's ear.
Next thing she heard was the sound of the dial tone, then eventually the operated telling her to "please hang up and dial again".
She threw the phone against the wall, ran to her room and cried.
Olivia wanted a mother. A mother like her friends had. A mother that she could run to when she was sad. Someone to hold her and tell her that they loved her, that it wasn't her fault, and that it would all be okay one day. That's all she ever wanted.
She can see where the river crawls to the sea
Like a baby into mother's care
Somehow the longing is so far away
The innocence so wasted and aware
Olivia was growing older now. She was a big girl. She was 10 years old.
Her mom was still working double jobs and hardly spoke to her, but she was big. She was making plans. She had dreams.
One day she would grow up to be as pretty as her "mommy is". She would go to school and become very, very smart. Then she might marry a famous actor one day. Move far away to a huge house in the country side. Where the smell of fallen autumn leaves and sweet honey milk filled the air.
Then maybe one day she would have her own kids. Maybe. She didn't want to hurt her kids like her mommy was hurting her.
That was her dream.
That was her goal.
And look at the child with the dream in her eyes
Holding it deep inside her
And so the years pressed on. The young Olivia Benson, with pig tails and daffodils in her hair, with dimples and Rossi cheeks grew up–she was now 16 . Her mother told her what was wrong.
Told her everything. About the rape, about her monster of a father. The words just flowed out like the tears once did before.
Why her? Why her mom? Why her life? Were the questions that were left unanswered.
Some many years of hurt, disappointment, and having to grow up so fast, all caused by one filthy man. How could he doing something like that.
She hated the man who did this to them.
She even hated her mom.
Thinking of her home, was now thinking of the lonely woman who was raped, and forced to bring up a daughter she hated . . . a daughter she never meant to have.
She wanted a life. She needed a life. Some where to run. Some where to go. All these bottled up years sat in rows on a wall, and now she was ready to fall . . .
"How could you mom!" Olivia shouted, tears of anger streaking her face. "I hate you!"
Thinking about Home... Home...
So much anger so deeply ingrained
Seemed a burden that was hers alone
She didn't think that there was anything wrong
With wanting a life that she could call her own
"I hate you!" Olivia repeated.
Serena broke down in tears. "I love you baby! Don't do this to me!"
"You don't mean that! You never wanted me! I was a mistake! You don't care about me!" Olivia sobbed.
"Why do you think I kept you huh! I loved you! And I still do! And I will always love my sweet angel that is you!" Serena hollered. She fell to her knees, face in her hands, and sobbed quietly.
How could I explain? You would not want to hear
You wouldn't listen if I talked anyway
For you were too weighed down by your own fears
Olivia stopped and looked down at her poor mom.
She had already been through so much. Why should she make it any harder then it has to be?
Her mom, Serena, had been raped. And she was right, why hadn't she gotten rid of Olivia in the first place if she didn't really love her? Serena never meant for any of this to happen, it just did. Olivia was just making it harder.
It all would stop her though, She would change.
Olivia bent down and hugged her mother.
"I'm sorry mom. I love you." she whispered.
Serena pushed hair our of her daughters face and kissed her fore head. "No sweetie, I'm sorry. I should have never taken this out on you. I love you."
That 's the day Olivia had chosen her dream. She would go to school, become a detective, and get those pervs off the streets that were hurting people. She would get the monsters like her "father" off the streets . . .
And look at the child with the dream in her eyes
Holding it deep inside her
(Present Time)
The rain had stopped falling and Olivia stopped crying. This was it. This was the apartment it had all happened. But things were different now.
Olivia looked around the room. It was empty . . . except for her purse, a duffle bag, and one last box that read: OLIVIA'S STUFF.
She let a small puff of air escape her lips just as someone walked into the open front door.
It was Elliot Stabler, her partner.
"Come on hun'." he said. "I'll get the last box into the truck. You get the bag," He looked at her and smiled. "What's up?"
She looked into his deep stunning blue eyes. "I can't believe any of this. You and Kathy divorcing. Me and You. Getting engaged. Now moving in together. And leaving this old house behind." he whispered in amazement.
Yes, Olivia and Elliot were moving in together.
"I can't believe it either. The past 3 years have just zoomed by. First the divorce. Then me and you. Getting engaged. And now moving in together. But I do believe it's all meant to be." Elliot took her hands. "I love you."
"I love you too." Then they shared a kiss. "Oh, and I now something you won't believe . . ." she added with a mischievous smirk.
"What?" Elliot asked hesitantly.
"We're going to have a baby . . ." she informed him.
Elliot was in shock. He laughed, picked her up, spun her around and kissed her. "I've never loved you more then I do right now."
Olivia kissed him again. "At least we'll have a home for our baby."
Home... home... home... home...
I hope you liked it! I just had to throw some EO love in the mix! LOL After all I am a SVUcoffeejunkie:) I have an idea, for all of you who are waiting for my spin off story from "Without You", I wanted to know. .. Would you rather me leave that alone and do a spin off with this. I think It would work a lot better with this one though! Let me know! And I know I didn't give it to my beta reader, but spring break is coming to an end and I didn't know If I would post it before I went back to school! So I wanted to leave you with a parting gift until the week end when I have time to write! Luv you guys:)