disclaimer- As far as SC2 is concerned, I don't own jack. Well, okay, 1 copy of SC2 for PS2 (hehe, it kinda rhymes) and a guidebook because I'm a looser and can't remember move combinations and button sequences to save my life.

Once again, after much medication and a few months in a straitjacket, Illusory Studios is most assuredly NOT responsible for any damages caused by

CHAPTER TWO: DEPRIVED, DEPRAVED, DECREPIT?

Raphael dusted himself off, scowling back at the bar. He swung Flambert once before sheathing the rapier.

"Some other time, then." he snarled, walking away sullenly.

"Having trouble, son?" a very deep, somewhat aged voice queried. Raphael stopped, getting ready to draw.

"None of your business." he spat.

"Oh, all right then." the voice replied. Raphael started to walk off again when another question stopped him.

"You sure?" Raphael's face screwed up into a mix of anger and annoyance. He whirled around elegantly to face the man, rapier hissing from its sheath. Sorel snapped the blade threateningly before him, pointing it at the nondescript, cloaked old man.

"I said it's none of your business."

"Okay, but are you quite sure? You just got bashed through a wall, lost the love and respect of an entire harm of gorgeous women a…"

"Shut it." Raphael growled.

"Your ego must really be shot right now. You just got your ass handed to you!"

With that, Raphael lunged with all the grace and finesse he could muster through his fury.

And was left bruised, bloodied and in the dirt.

"Today," he coughed, "Is not my day."

meanwhile, back at the ranch…

Nightmare slumped down into a creaky wood chair behind a table and sighed. The bar was packed with people. Some played cards, some were getting their afternoon booze fix, and a few lucky bastards were getting a wench. Nightmare propped Soul Edge against the wall, kicked back and scanned the bar jealously.

:Oh, come on. You'll be fine. There's a woman in this town with your name on her.:

"You sure?"

:If you pay her enough.:

"Ah."

meanwhile, back at the ranch…

Xianghua was giving Talim a bit of a pep talk while Taki, with her Stealth Ninja Skillz (tm), scoped out the prospective males with Ivy, who was attracting them with her Mad Dominatrix Skillz (tm).

"And if he asks you to…" Xianghua leaned in whispered to Talim, who's eyes bugged out at the comment, "Make sure you bring syrup and a towel."

"I don't know if I wanna do this, Xianghua." Talim whimpered.

"Don't worry, Talim. Ivy and Taki will find the perfect man for you."

meanwhile, back at the ranch…

Yoshi couldn't help but feel sorry for Nightmare. He could tell the knight wanted a good time. The look in his eye, the coins grasped so obviously in his claws, his other hand on… well, usually his drink, or Soul Edge.

Oh, come on, you thought it, too. You wouldn't be reading this if you didn't think it.

During the brief interlude and subsequent rebuilding of the fourth wall, the magical master of sword pogo had chanced upon an idea. He did grin behind his mask. Yoshi nudged Voldo and dew in close to converse in hushed tones.

"Let's help ol' Nightmare, hm?"

"Hisss?" (what'll it do for us?)

"We don't look as creepy beside him. You may be freaky as sin, but you're limber."

"Hisiss!" (darn straight!)

"And I'm a magic swordsman. Who doesn't love a magic swordsman?"

"Sss." (hot chicks.)

"Shut it." Yoshi paused, gathering his thoughts again.

"But Nightmare, poor Nightmare, he's got eyeballs on his arm. It's really a bit of a turn-off."

Voldo paused, giving Yoshimitsu the best "Are you a closet fruit cup or something?" look, a feat in itself, given Voldo's lack of eyeballs.

"Don't give me that look, Voldo. I'm straight as the flagpole on my back."

Voldo kept giving him that look. Yoshi gave him a look back.

It wasn't very much to look at, really.

"Let's just give the boy some lovin'." Yoshi spat, flustered. Voldo hissed under his breath.

"Hsss." (gotta be a better way to say that.)

meanwhile, back at the ranch…

The mysterious cloaked man from the introductory sequence sat outside this most frequented tavern. His dark cloak disguised all possible features within its folds, body masked by the gracious fabric, face enshrouded by the ample hood. He could hear people approaching and, by the sounds of their voices, they were female.

"Oh, goodie!" he whispered excitedly. The man sat back and listened.

"I'm sure we'll find a decent man in here for her." a very British voice quipped.

"Let's just hope Raph and Maxi don't hear about this." a more Asian voice said.

"Oh, indeed."

"They may be good, but I doubt Talim would appreciate their particular style."

"No. Not at all."

"Oh, gods, what if those two try for a go?"

"Heaven forbid!" The pair gagged. The old man looked up the dusty street to set his eyes upon the vixens. One was bound in a very attractive and revealing leather ensemble, complete with high heels and an exotic gauntlet. The other, well, he didn't care about what she was wearing. He couldn't quite get past those beautiful bouncin' bahoolies. When they were at the tavern threshold, he made his move.

"Pardon me, ladies, but I couldn't help noticing you have a problem." he said. The lady in heels turned a stern eye to him.

"Nothing you could do much for." she said.

"Perhaps you should give me a try first." he replied.

"Come on, Ivy. We need to get to work." the knocker lady said, taking Ivy by the arm. Ivy pulled away from the old man.

"You sure you won't give me a try?" he asked. Ivy stopped.

"Let's see what he's up to, Taki."

"You sure Ivy?"

"Of course I'm sure." Ivy assured Taki. She turned to the old man, smiling.

"So," Ivy asked, "What is it you want?"

"Why, to sample your snack trays, of course."

"Our what!" Ivy and Taki exclaimed in unison.

"I wanna flip your switches."

The girl's expressions twisted in revulsion.

"Twist your knobs?"

Ivy drew her whip-sword.

"Squeeze your t…" Ivy cut the pervert off with a sharp and wicked crack of her whip, launching him clean off his feet and lacerating his cloak. The pair glared at the old man with contempt.

"Heihachi." Taki spat.

"We should have known." Ivy sneered. She put away her weapon and entered the bar with Taki.

Heihachi, meanwhile, was playing that elegant ass-whuppin' over and over again in his head.

"Oh yeah, they want me bad."

meanwhile, back at the ranch…

There was a collective thud! as every male jaw in the bar dropped. This even caused precisely 37.95 in damage to floors and furniture.

The barkeep called in everyone's tab.

The most prominent staring eyeballs were, of course, Nightmare's. Soul Edge wasn't too far behind in the staring department either. Taki was the first to turn and face the knight, her boobs second.

"What are you staring at?" she asked sternly. Ivy tilted her head, eyes glaring at Nightmare.

"The two most beautiful girls I've ever seen in my entire life." he replied, looking them both sincerely in the eye. Taki blushed, Ivy's glare faltered. Flattery? How refreshing!

"That's the nicest thing we've heard all da…" Taki stopped dead. Nightmare's armored hand was clamped firmly on her left breast. Taki's eyes widened while Nightmare's gaze remained calmly fixed upon her face. Through her shock, Taki managed to retaliate with a fast, low kick.

A very low kick.

Nightmare let go of Taki and curled up on the floor, tending to his wounded pride. Soul Edge took his eye off the ladies just to taunt Nightmare.

:Oooh! De-NIED, Sieggy! You just got served, you.:

"Stupid bitch." Nightmare growled to Soul Edge. Taki, who heard the "Stupid bitch" part, but nothing of what Soul Edge said, took this comment as a personal insult and rammed her heel into Nightmare's face. Sieg groaned and went limp.

:Oh, just gonna give up, are you? Just gonna curl up and take it? Some man you are, Sieggy. She might as well have cut it off instead of kicking it in.:

Nightmare raised his demon fist and rammed it full-force into Soul Edge's eye before grabbing the sword and slamming it to the floor.

meanwhile, back at the ranch…

Xianghua pulled Talim up the sidewalk towards the tavern. Talim was fighting more than ever, despite Xianghua's words of encouragement.

"Come on, Talim. You'll be fine! Trust me."

"I'd love to trust you, but," Talim thrashed about madly. Xianghua whipped around behind Talim and stuck the tip of Soul Calibur between Talim's shoulder blades.

"Trust me, sweetie. Now, walk!" Xianghua punctuated the command with a sharp poke and a hearty shove. Talim obeyed disdainfully, feeling twenty different kinds of nervous as she approached the tavern.

"I'm really, I don't think I'm, Xianghua I'mOW!" Talim yelped.

"Oh, come on. I didn't even poke you."

"No, something pinched my butt!"

"Whatever."

"No, Xianghua, I'm serious!"

"Quit whining and get inside!" Xianghua said sternly as she pushed Talim through the shiny new batwing bar door.

Behind a barrel by the door, Heihachi smiled, very pleased with himself.

And exceptionally pleased with Talim's bootie.

p.s.- well, chapter 2 is done. I make no timeline guarantees for chapter 3, of course, but it will come. Kindly review, it just might help me write faster. -

yes, that was a sad attempt at blackmail. I'm a dirty little wench, aren't I?