disclaimer- though it's been previously posted, I shall once again proclaim that I own no rights to SoulCalibur 2. I do own some property thereof, in the form of one (1) PS2 copy of the game and one (1) fighter's guide purchased at discount on sale at a local EB Games store.

I also have no rights whatsoever to EB Games or are otherwise affiliated with them.

Digging m'self into quite a legal hole here, aren't I?

And now, Illusory Studios has given up trying to halt the madness of

CHAPTER THREE: YO-HO, YO-HO, A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR ME!

It was dark and a wee bit scary in the pirate's cove. The soundtrack for this particular stage was dramatic, beautifully instrumented and laden with suspense, even if it was being blasted out of a cheap, paper-speakered stereo. A scratchy and purely evil voice yelled from the deck of the old pirate ship.

"Repeat after me. Aaarrrrr!"

A chorus of monotonic, groaning voices replied.

"Aaarrrrrgh."

"No, no, no, ye daft and scurvy landlubbers! Aaarrrrr!"

"Aaarrrrgh!"

"This be yer last chance, maties, afore I keelhaul the lot o' ye. Now, say aaarrrrr!"

"Aaarrrrrgh?"

"That be the last straw! Off the plank, all a' ye!"

The chorus responded with a monotone groan of rejection.

"Aaarrrrrgh."

dooby dooby doo+

Talim gagged at the overpowering stench of the tavern, unpleasant odors assailing her olfactory nerves. She bent over and covered her nose with her hands, eyes wide and watery. Talim shuffled forward at the behest of Xianghua's sword.

"It smells horrible in hereAIPE!" Talim commented, cut off when she tripped over something lying on the floor.

:Watch where you're going you clumsy bitch: Soul Edge screamed. Nightmare promptly smacked the fleshy part of the sword as he stood, hand held out to Talim.

"You all right?" he asked.

"She's fine! Back off." Xianghua snapped, jumping between them. Nightmare gave her a hellish, soul piercing glare, his eye twitching. Talim nudged Xianghua out of the way, taking Nightmare's hand.

"I'm okay, thanks." she answered, eyes glittering. Sieg gave her his best smile (judges scores: 6.0, 5.3, 5.7 and 2.1… damn French judge) and helped her to her feet. Nightmare judged her weight very poorly, pulling her up off the ground and drawing her against him. Talim's heart raced as she took in his manly scent (a mix of sweat, booze and Axe Orion), feeling his strong and powerfully built chest. Talim looked up into his icy blue eyes, her hands slowly moving up to his rock-hard shoulders, her thin fingers massaging the tense muscle under his flesh. She pulled in closer to press herself against him. Nightmare held Talim a bit closer himself, leaning down to her slowly, eyelids lowering with his body. She tilted her head back, rising up on tip-toe to get closer to what she hoped would be her first kiss, long and passionate, full of feeling and with a nice smattering of tongue.

"Okay, that's enough!" Xianghua announced, snatching Talim and dragging her away. The wind priestess stared longingly back at the knight, his eyes begging her to come back. When Xianghua rounded the bar and headed towards the back, Nightmare cursed his luck.

"Ah, f"

dooby dooby doo+

The last zombie crawled onto the dock in the pirate cove, lethargically kicking off a fish that was gnawing on its ankle.

"Aaarrrrrgh." it moaned. A black boot thudded down heavily in front of its rotted face.

"Can ye say it properly now, chum bucket?"

The zombie paused, deep in thought (well, as deep into thought as a zombie can go, anyway).

"Aaarrrr?"

"Yar! That be the moan I've been lookin' for. Climb aboard, matey!"

"Aaarrrrr!" The zombie shuffled his way to the boat, shuffled his way up the boarding ramp and shuffled his way up to the crow's nest. The ruthless captain strode purposefully up the ramp and took his place behind the zombie at the helm.

"Yar. Set a course, me hearty. We be sailin' for…" The captain paused dramatically. The zombies failed to appreciate the tension and flare.

"The town."

dooby dooby doo+

Ivy and Taki waited in a small room in the back for Xianghua and Talim. They were both very depressed, having found no man good enough for Talim.

"Maybe we just haven't been looking hard enough." Taki suggested.

"Where else is there to look?"

"Nowhere, really."

"Perhaps this wasn't such a good idea, Taki."

"We're not giving up, Ivy. We said we'd find a man for Talim, and we're going to find her a man." Taki said firmly.

"All right then. We'll start fresh in the morning."

There was a sharp rap on the door. Ivy cracked her whip-sword, weapon wrapping around the knob.

"Turn." Ivy commanded. The whip turned the knob, clicking it open. "Now open." The whip pulled back and opened the door. Ivy flicked her wrist and brought the weapon back to her.

Xianghua hauled in a flush red Talim, slamming the door shut behind them. Talim was tossed into a creaky wood chair as Xianghua ran to the other girls.

"Nightmare jumped Talim!" Xianghua screamed. Ivy and Taki leapt up and closed with Xianghua.

"That no-good scum! How dare he make a move on Talim?" Ivy snarled. Taki knelt down by Talim, taking the girl's trembling hand.

"How do your feel?" she asked. Talim took in a quick, shaky breath before responding.

"My heart is still pounding." she answered. Taki scowled and stood.

"Don't worry, we'll get him for it. You deserve so much better than Eyeball Arm." Taki fumed.

"B-but, I…" Talim stammered. Xianghua stopped her.

"We'll take care of him, don't worry about a thing.

dooby dooby doo+

The pier emptied rapidly as the zombie crew shuffled off the pirate ship. Not a soul remained on the pier, save one man. He stood bare-chested and open-shirted in defiance of the flood of zombies.

"You want a piece of me?" the darn good-lookin' young man asked, full of youthful confidence. The pirate captain disembarked with a dramatic leap, cape and fluffy feather fluttering in the wind. He landed heavily, red eyes boring into the defiant man's very soul.

"So, we meet again, Maxi."

"Been some time, Cervantes." Maxi replied, whipping out Soryuju from his belt and showing off with it.

"And ye be just as foolhardy as ever, ye scurvy dog."

Maxi paused. Soryuju went limp mid-swing, just as confused as its master.

"Since when did you start talking like a pirate?"

"Since the start o' this chapter, matey. Now," Cervantes drew his foul weapons, "Beg for mercy before me."

Maxi stepped up, turning his head to the side and catching the sunlight perfectly for the penultimate sexy-boy look, light reflecting brilliantly in his eyes and off his hair.

The zombies applauded.

"Silence, ye bilge rates!" Cervantes barked. The zombies shuffled and 'aaarrrrgh'd away.

"That be 'Aaarrrrr,' dammit!"

"Aaarrrrr!" the zombies yelled back. Maxi whipped Soryuju around once more.

"So, want a piece of me?" Maxi asked, resuming in nunchuck-swinging routine. The pirate foes assumed fighting stance, zombies creating a ring around them. A few zombies produced pennants and waved them sluggishly, 'aaarrrrr'ing their rotting hearts out. Cervantes beamed with pride at his cheering, 'aaarrrrr'ing zombies.

It be warmin' the cockles o' his undead heart, yar.

dooby dooby doo+

Nightmare slumped, dejected, over a bottle of whiskey. He produced a pink neon bendy straw, stuck it in the bottle and started sipping up whiskey.

:Come on, Seig. At least you know she likes you.: Soul Edge said, trying to comfort his wielder.

"But I can't get to her without that annoying damn Xianghua trying to beat the crap out of me."

:Then whup her! Just knock the prissy snot right outta Xianghua.:

"Well, what if Talim finds out? What if bloodshed and violence are her turn-offs?"

:What if they're her turn-ons:

"You just want me to beat someone up, don't you?"

:Duh.:

"Good enough for me." Nightmare stood drunkenly, straw still in his mouth. Seig picked up Soul Edge, swaying, and whipped out his badass shades.

:Hey now! I'm not fighting sober if you're not: Soul Edge said. Nightmare grabbed the whiskey bottle, placed the opening between two tendrils and tipped the bottle up. The sword's tendrils twittered and squirmed, delighted as it swallowed. Nightmare pulled the bottle back, dropped it to the floor and staggered off with his equally plastered weapon. Their eyes were bloodshot, brains definitely not up for combat, but their hearts knew no such inebriation.

Indeed, neither did Seig's long-denied libido. With that force alone driving him, Nightmare rammed through the back door and charged down the small, bedroom-lined corridor.

In the bar proper, Yoshimitsu sighed heavily. Not only was the barkeep fuming at Nightmare over the repair costs, but Seig had just piddled away his only chance at a girl. Yoshi nudged Voldo to get his attention.

"Do you think we should help him?" Yoshi asked.

"Sss." (Nah).

"Well, why not?"

"Hiss, ss, hss ss." (He's a big boy, he can take care of himself.)

"But it'll be four against one in there! Nightmare will get slaughtered."

"Hesss." (No, just three against one.)

"Heh?"

"Ssss." (Talim wants him.)

"Yeah, right!" Yoshi paused. "Really?"

"Hissis." (I could smell the hormones a mile away.)

"But," Yoshi measured the distance in his head. "It's only about ten feet from here to Seig's table."

"Iisss." (Dork. You know what I meant.)

Yoshi bowed his head in contemplation. So Talim likes Nightmare, and Nightmare needs a girl, but Taki, Ivy and Xianghua are in the way. There had to be some way to tip the scales in Nightmare's favor.

He would have to meditate on it.

"Namu…"

dooby dooby doo+

Maxi glared at Cervantes, struggling against the zombies holding him back, keeping him off their master.

"You dirty cheat." Maxi snarled. Cervantes just laughed at him.

"Yar, it's what pirates so."

"Hey, you're right," Maxi agreed, "It is what pirates do." With that, Maxi grabbed a zombie's arm, pulled it off (much to the zombie's chagrin) and whirled it around, clocking several zombies in the head. The walking corpses collapsed, freeing Maxi's arm. He whipped around and wiped the floor with the remaining zombies. Maxi fished Soryuju out from the pile of flesh and turned back to Cervantes.

"That do be some fine cheatin', me hearty. What say ye join me crew? Well, what be left of it, anyway."

"As much as I love the pirate's life, I don't think I'll be joining you."

"And why be that, matey?"

"I'd make you look bad."

Cervantes growled, aiming Nirvana at Maxi's heart.

"That be the last time ye insult me, landlubber!" Cervantes squeezed his finger. Maxi kicked a zombie straight into Cervantes, catching him in the chest just before the gun went off. The bullet fired and hit the top of a storage shed behind Maxi. When Cervantes was done cursing Maxi and the zombie, he flung the undead off and glared around the docks.

Maxi was gone.

"Dammit, yar."

"Aaarrrrrgh."

Cervantes booted the offending zombie straight to Davey Jone's Locker.

And a fishy leapt out of the sea.

p.s.- just so I don't get sued, I don't own Axe either. the bendy straw's brand name was never mentioned, so HAH! now, review, me fine and saucy wenches!