disclaimer- Legally speaking, I don't own any legal rights to Soulcalibur 2. All I've got is a copy of the game for PS2 and a fighter's guide. Officially speaking, Namco has all the legal crap, BradyGames has all the guidebook crap, and I've just got plain crap.

dedication- I should like to dedicate this chapter to this fanfic's official artist, Reifnir Maarit, whether she wants it or not. Thanks for all the beautiful pics you've done, and thanks for being a loyal reader, fan and a good friend.

And now, at the behest of angry, pitchfork-waving, torch-having mobs, Illusory Studios, for no good reason, presents

CHAPTER FOUR: … AND CARRY A BIG STICK

Raphael's eyelids fluttered as he stirred slowly towards wakefulness. He felt several sharp, annoying pokes in the side that thrust him ever more towards sentience.

"I'm up, I'm up! Quit poking me!" was what the fencer meant to say. What came out sounded more like "Mrmmph, mrmmph! Grpmmm mm!"

"You never were much for pillow talk, Frenchie." a feminine voice mocked flirtatiously. Raphael propped himself up on his arms, blinking against the harsh light of day. A blurry image hovering over him came slowly into focus.

"Mina? What are you doing here?" Sorel asked, voice still a bit groggy.

"Who else would it be? Come on, get up and dust yourself off." Seung Mina said. She stood and helped Raphael to his feet, wiping some dust off of his red shirt.

"Mind checking my pants? I'm sure it's positively dirty down there." Raphael quipped with a shimmer in his eye. Mina gave him a playful look.

"Maybe latter, after you buy me a drink."

cupcakes!

The answer hit Yoshimitsu like a brick to the head. Consequently, the brick thrown at his head by a bar patron to halt his incessant "Namu…" hit him like a brick to the head.

"Unexpected." Yoshi moaned before he passed out.

Voldo poked him a few times, just for kicks.

cupcakes!

Taki's sensitive ninja ears twitched. Something was not right.

"Girls, something fishy is going on."

Xianghua hid her fish sandwich from view.

"Where'd you get that?" Talim asked. Xianghua just shrugged, her mouth still full of tasty, fishy goodness. She swallowed and promptly changed the subject.

"What is it, Taki?" Xianghua asked. The busty ninja stealthily tiptoed to the door (as is her way) and pressed her ear against the dark wood.

"It sounds like a dramatic charge of some sort."

"A dramatic charge?" Ivy queried.

"Yes, a charge so dramatic that it's taking quite a long time to complete."

"Shall we prepare for the conclusion?"

"Let's."

The girls promptly sat down at a safe distance on either side of the door, kicked back and relaxed.

Xianghua munched some more of her sandwich.

cupcakes!

Yoshimitsu snapped out of his brick-induced coma and leapt triumphantly to his feet.

"I've got it!"

"Hss?" (What?)

"I know who can help Nightmare with his girl trouble!"

"Hississs." (Like you know any woman that desperate.)

"Not a woman, Voldo," Yoshimitsu paused dramatically, "a man!"

"Sss! Hiss-ss!" (Dude! Sieg's straight!)

"Not like that, Voldo. I'm talking about a date counselor. You know, someone to help him pick up the ladies."

"Sss?" (And why haven't we seen him yet?)

"Never mind that. We've no time to waste! To the Yoshimobile!"

"Hiss." (I am not riding a camel.)

"You will ride my camel and you will like it!" Yoshi commanded, grabbing Voldo by a leather strap and dragging him out the door.

cupcakes!

Siegfried swagger-charged toward the door that locked away his hopes and dreams. He drew Soul Edge over his head, heavy blade crackling with energy, flames leaping from the tendrils. Nightmare tottered back for a second, regaining his balance as he swung the massive weapon down on the door. The wood shattered and flew apart as it was cleaved in two by the mighty blow.

The barkeep paled at the thought of his repair bills.

Nightmare barreled through the door, drawing Soul Edge to his side with a quick spinning slash. Sieg removed his shades in a truly badass fashion, tossing his head up to shift his long, blonde bangs out of his eyes. Sieg straightened up and delivered a narrow-eyed glare about the room, working the pink bendy-straw between his teeth.

Xianghua gulped down the last bite of her fish sandwich. She promptly snatched the hem of Talim's short pants, holding the girl back. Talim pulled and fought and flailed madly to get to Nightmare and finish what they had started in the bar.

"What are you doing here?" Ivy asked in a demanding tone. She rose, sword-whip in hand, and gave Nightmare an equally cold look. The knight glared up at her and replied with his whiskey-laden breath, pink straw hopping up and down as he spoke.

"I'm here for the girl." Nightmare snarled. Ivy backed away from the heavy stench of alcohol, wrinkling her nose. Taki jumped up to flank Nightmare, ready to keep him away from Talim. Xianghua stuck Soul Calibur's sharp point against Sieg's flesh.

"Give up, Nightmare. She's too good for you." Xianghua said.

"I'm not leaving without her." Nightmare replied defiantly. Xianghua tossed Talim behind her and rose, moving Soul Calibur up to slide the razor edge against Sieg's neck.

"If you leave now, I'll let you keep your head." Xianghua offered, smiling. Nightmare lowered his head, wide bangs covering his eyes and shadowing his face. He smiled darkly, tightening his grip on Soul Edge.

"It's a tempting offer, girlie,"

Talim gasped. Could he be rejecting her?

"But I'm sticking with Talim." Nightmare grabbed Ivy's wrist and threw her against the back wall. He leaned back, slipping under Xianghua's swift and elegant decapitating slice, taking a flurry of stabs from Taki. Sieg dropped to the floor and rolled. He shifted quickly into a kneeling position and launched Xianghua with a fierce rising uppercut. Taki lunged in for another stabbing flurry. Nightmare halted her attack by ramming the butt of Soul Edge's hilt into her face. Taki fell to the ground and groaned, clutching her nose.

"I thig oo boke id!" Taki wailed. Sieg took a step towards her, rose his armored foot and stomped on Taki as hard as he could.

"That's for kicking me in the crotch," he stomped again, "That's for kicking me in the face," a third stomp, "That's for keeping Talim from me, and this!" Nightmare powered his final stomp down on her as hard as he could. "THIS is because I don't like you." Taki groaned and went limp, unconscious. Sieg turned away from Taki just in time to catch Xianghua swinging at him from a low rafter, catching him squarely in the face with a sharp kick. He staggered back, stumbling over a wicker chair. Nightmare brought Soul Edge up over his head and slammed it down on Xianghua. While she managed to get Soul Calibur between herself and the cutting edge, Xianghua was smashed to the ground. Nightmare took the evil weapon and smashed it down repeatedly upon the swordswoman. After the beating, Xianghua rolled away weakly, cowering under a wicker chair and pointing Soul Calibur out at Sieg, just in case she would need to stab him in the foot. Nightmare removed his attentions from Xianghua and turned to face Ivy.

"Crap." he said, watching the whip-sword crack and wrap itself firmly around his throat.

"Move, and I start strangling." Ivy threatened. Nightmare growled at her and lowered his sword slowly. Ivy tightened the whip just enough to press into Sieg's flesh, marking his skin with its razor edges. Thin lines of red began to form against the blades as Ivy tightened the whip.

"I'm not giving up until I've won her heart." the knight said with determination in his eye. He looked at Talim and smiled warmly. Talim's heart skipped a beat, blood rushing to her face. The room seemed much, much warmer to her, even after Nightmare's eyes had turned back to Ivy.

She'll kill him! Talim thought frantically. What am I going to do now?

cupcakes!

Voldo clung sullenly to the back of Yoshimitsu's camel.

"Hississ." (This sucks.)

"Quit whining, the ride's almost over." Yoshi steered his camel to the right, heading towards a system of caverns masked by low and rolling hills. He stopped and dismounted outside a small cave entrance nestled in a hillside. Voldo slid off the camel's back and slithered about, loosening up after the long ride.

"Come on, come on, we're wasting time!" Yoshi said impatiently. The pair entered the cave and walked slowly down the dimly-lit and unhewn cavern.

"Hess?" (What are we looking for?)

"A light."

"Ssss?" (A light?)

"Yes. A light at the end of the tunnel."

Voldo hissed out a demoralized sigh. He trudged onward behind Yoshimitsu. It was quite some time before anyone said anything.

"Light! Light, Voldo, light!" Yoshimitsu exclaimed, pointing at a tiny pinprick of light.

"Issss." (I don't see it.)

"Forget about that, let's go!" Yoshi broke into a run, dragging Voldo behind him. The small point of white expanded rapidly as they dashed, glaring and blinding Yoshi as he burst into a torch-lit cavern, pulling Voldo in after him. He skid to a stop before the cave's sole inhabitant.

"Why are you two here?" a youthful male voice asked, demand echoing off the stone walls.

"We need your help desperately." Yoshimitsu replied.

"Hsss, hiss hiss ssss." (Yeah, especially him.) Voldo hissed, pointing to Yoshi. The magic ninja promptly smacked Voldo.

"Like I was saying, we really, really need your expertise."

"In what subject?"

"Dating."

The man stood, coming fully into the bright torchlight, raising a long, red quarterstaff parallel to his body.

"When do I start?"

p.s.- please visit Reifnir's art gallery at the link in my profile. her work is amazing and very true to the story, and I'd kill to be able to do armor half as well as she does it. oh, yes, and you'd better review, dammit! reviews make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like I just swallowed a warm and fuzzy thing.