Revamped Version : Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Summary: It seems that the first volume of the Harry Potter series is back. But wait a minute, why is it in the comedy section? That's right, it's revamped! With a new cover (flashy orange chosen by Ron Weasley) and hilarious conversations, this revamped version rivals even the original. NOTE: All death due to choking, snorting, laughing, etc is not our fault and therefore cannot be claimed as the cause of said death.
Disclaimer: Everything; the plot, the characters, the places; belong to J.K. Rowling and a small tad is owned by Warner Bros Inc (I think). All I know is that nothing belongs to me.
AN: The fifth reviewer was Lanfear1 with the item, 'Cigarette'. So look out for this item. O yes, since he's the fifth reviewer, this chapter is dedicated to him! Wahoo! throws confetti round while dancing in a circle
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Chapter 2: The Vanishing Glass
When you saw the pictures of 4 Privet Drive ten years ago it seemed as if they had a fascination to beach balls. In fact, there were many pictures of a pink beach ball all around the house. Looking closer, you noticed that it was a baby, Dudley Dursley. Now, ten years later Dudley had transformed from a beach ball to a pig with a wig. Not a very pretty transformation, let me tell you.
It was six when Harry Potter woke up. He looked the exact opposite of our pink little pig. He was thin and bony, with messy black hair and marvelous green eyes. At school he was called punching bag because he got beaten up so much by his cousin. He often out ran him though but was found back in the weirdest places, like the chimney or the school roof. He winced at Aunt Petunia's shrill voice as she knocked on bedroom door a.k.a. the cupboard door. He grumbled and got up. How could he have forgotten it was Piggy's birthday? He had been blubbering about it all week.
Harry sighed, got up, and prepared breakfast: eggs and bacon. He almost let the bacon burn while he drooled al over them. Vernon looked suspiciously at his bacon when he got his portion.
"What's this stuff on it?" he asked sharply.
"Umm, I thought some tomato juice would go well with bacon and everyone knows that tomato juice is clear."
"Don't get smart with me, boy."
Harry smirked as Uncle Vernon ate his saliva covered bacon with a relish. It was really handy to know who liked what.
Dudley was done counting his presents and said with a scowl, "I only have thirty-six presents."
"Thirty-seven, honey," Aunt Petunia said absently as she rubbed over an imaginary dirty spot.
"But last year, I had THIRTY-NINE!"
A small alarm went off in the kitchen. The sound came from a chart on the wall labeled 'Dudley's Temper'. It had the number 0 to 10 on it and the 9 colored up a deep red. Harry knew from experience that Dudley's temper alarm bell went off at 8 and that a temper tantrum started at 10. Aunt petunia also heard the bell and jumped up to calm him down.
"But we'll get you TWO more while we're out today. Two more. Is that all right?" Aunt Petunia asked worriedly while looked at the chart.
"So that will be thirty… thirty…" Harry rolled his eyes. He just turned eleven and he still couldn't add? How dumb could you be?
"Thirty-nine popkins, thirty-nine" The chart went from 9 to 3 as Dudley sat down and ate while ripping off paper from his presents.
"Vernon dear, Miss Figg broke her leg and can't baby sit him…" Harry almost cheered at this piece of news. They usually left him at Mrs.Figg's and while she was nice, she just couldn't stop talking about her cats. He even had caught her coughing up a fur ball. Of course she had mumbled something about medicine but it hadn't really convinced Harry.
"Well, he certainly isn't staying here. We just got a new TV and the hooligan would break it apart. And Marge?" Images flashed before his eyes at the word Marge. An unsightfully fat lady, a bulldog, him getting chased up a tree …
They continued for sometime before agreeing that they had to take Harry with them to the zoo.
Dudley heard the last part (all presents had been opened) and the alarm started ringing again. The number 10 flashed red and soon enough Dudley started throwing a tantrum, complete with kicking, punching and a good deal of fake tears. Put Piers Polkiss unknowingly saved them from the real damage and a half hour later, Harry was sitting next to Dudley and Piers on the way to the zoo. While Uncle Vernon usually liked to complain about Harry, people at work, Harry, the bank, and Harry, this time it was motorcycles. Harry then remembered that he had dreamt about a flying motorcycle and unwittingly said it.
Uncle Vernon nearly crashed into the car in front of him. He turned around in his seat with his face like a gigantic beet with a moustache and yelled, "MOTORCYCLES DON'T FLY!" Dudley and Piers sniggered.
Harry replied that it was just a dream but already regretted saying anything. Uncomfortable silence ensued.
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Dudley immediately rushed them all to the reptile house, because this zoo was famous for its huge, poisonous cobras and man crushing pythons. He soon found the largest, but it was sleeping.
"Make it wake up!" he whined to his father.
He knocked on the glass and said, "Knock knock."
"You're supposed to say 'Whose there?'" Dudley whined.
"Knock knock," Uncle Vernon repeated.
The snake's tail moved and held out a sign that said, 'Whose there?' but his eyes were still were closed in sleep.
"Ummm," Uncle Vernon hadn't exactly counted on the fact that it would reply, "orange."
The snake's tail now shifted and now held a sign that said ' enter your word here who?'
"Aren't (orange) you going to wake up?"
The snake's tail shifted and now held a sign that said, 'You are lame'.
They moved away, Dudley whining on about how boring it was here.
'It must be hard to be in a cage with nothing but people rapping their knuckles on the glass,' Harry thought while he looked at the boa constrictor. Suddenly, the snake opened his eyes and winked. hey baby, 'ow are you?
Harry stared. When he looked back to see if anyone had noticed, he was disappointed. He winked back.
The snake jerked its head toward Uncle Vernon and Dudley and said, It'z not ze first time they play zat 'knock knock' joke.
"So, you come from Brazil, huh?" Harry said when he looked at the sign "Boa Constrictor, Brazil".
Look again, little boy, the snake said while pointing at the sign right below it that said, "This specimen was bred in the zoo"
They talked a little more, talking about this and that (the world, how Piers looked like a rat, you know, the usual) when a deafening voice behind them shouted, "DUDLEY! MR. DURSLEY! COME AND LOOK AT THIS? YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT IT'S DOING!"
Dudley punched Harry out of the way. Harry flew like a leaf and fell hard on the concrete floor. When he looked up, he saw Dudley and Piers with their face plastered on to the glass, while the snake looked on with disgust. What next happened went so fast no one knew how it had happened. One second they were making faces on the glass, the next Piers leaped away in horror as the glass vanished. I say Piers because Dudley had tried, and failed, to jump away. He had fallen into the watery environment of the snake while it slithered away. Harry could swear that it had hissed, Debra, Georgina, Barbara, Stephanie: here I come. Watch out for your skirts!
When he heard a shriek, he looked back with growing humor. The glass had reappeared and Dudley was now trapped. Harry couldn't help himself when he had crossed out the sign 'Boa Constrictor' and replaced it with 'Dudley, the human pig'.
When Dudley had finally been released, the director of the zoo made them, Aunt Petunia and Dudley, some tea to get over the shock. He should have given some to the keeper of the reptile house because he just kept saying, "The glass, but how did it do that?" over and over again.
When Aunt Petunia saw that the director was smoking a cigarette in his shock she deftly grabbed it out of his mouth and sneered, "Who's the one supposed to be the one shocked? I need it more than you!" and she inhaled a great deal of smoke with a technique that showed of practice.
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When they were back of home and Piers was gone, Uncle Vernon rounded on him. But he couldn't speak through his anger and so made some hand movements.
"Okay, charades," Harry cheered and looked studiously at uncle Vernon.
The first movement was made by two fingers wiggling on the palm of his other hand.
"Go," Harry guessed and Vernon tapped his nose.
The second movement consisted of him jabbing a finger in the direction of the cupboard.
"Hallway?" Harry guessed but Uncle Vernon shook his head. "Cupboard?" and Uncle Vernon tapped his nose again.
The third movement consisted of a slicing movement at the neck.
"Suicide?" Uncle Vernon shook his head. "Die?" Again, Uncle Vernon shook his head. "Oh, I get it. Or else?" and Uncle Vernon taped his nose.
Then Uncle Vernon brought his two hands together as if to say, "Now, all together."
"Ooh, I know, I know! Go to the cupboard or else!" Harry's excitement suddenly left as he realized what he just said. With a pale face he rushed towards the cupboard.
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Harry was in his cupboard, straining his ears to hear Dudley's snores. But he couldn't distinguish any snores (and the ceiling wasn't falling spiders—it's surprising what a noise can do) so he sat thinking.
He's lived with the Dursleys for almost ten years, ten miserable years, as long as he could remember. He couldn't remember his parents, only a green flash with accompanied maniacal laughter. When he had been younger, he had always dreamt of far away relatives that would take him away, but it never happened. Of course, there were strange strangers that shook his hand or hugged him (or one time jumped on him but let's not talk about that—he still shivers when he remembers that) but they were nothing more than that—strangers. At school he had no one because he got picked on by Dudley's gang. Even though everyone laughed at Dudley due to his enormous proportions, no one dared to go against Dudley's gang. There was just something terrifying about a fat pig, because you knew you would get squished if he sat on you.
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AN: And, how did you like it? Remember, the 10th reviewer gets his item (mention an item in your review) worked into the story!