Chapter XV

My guardian

It was pretty though getting over Mt. Gagazet. Halway we were tormented by a deadly snow storm, which almost blew me off the road several times if it hadn't been for Audax clinging on to me.We had to stay close together all the way, his arms wrapped around me to keep me close and avoid me getting blown away again. Pyrefly was yelping the entire time, biting Audax pants to have a little support. It was freezing and I wished with all my heart we would reach the peak. When we got over that, it would be over.

I screamed as my left foot slipped away on the icy ground and fell to the ground. Audax quickly grabbed my arms and pulled me back up. "We should've stayed at the agency," he said once again, probably the nineth time that day. I refused to speak and held on tightly. How could I have known there was a storm coming up! Okay, maybe Pyrefly's yelping could've predicted something but it wasn't my fault!

We reached the peak and Audax nearly had to push me ahead, since my feet were nearly frozen and I could barely move. "I'm cold!" I whined. "Oh really?" was his response and we kept moving. Finally we got over the peak, and the storm went down. Only small flakes of snow came floating down and the wind was dropping. Finally I felt more at ease. I kicked the snow off my boots and together we walked on. After a while I regained the feeling in my legs and was able to walk normally again. I took the hood from my head and felt the sun breaking through the thick clouds and stroking my skin. "Glad that's over," I sighed and Audax shrugged.

"What's that supposed to mean? You mean you rather go back there and freeze?" I demanded and he sighed. "I don't know how to feel. So we got through the storm and I'm glad about that, don't get me wrong but…" He swallowed. "We'll reach Zanarkand by night fall and…" "Audax, please don't make me go through this again," I begged. "We can't go back now, just can't. I have to do this and now… You being so sad about all this makes me doubtful…" "Sorry," he mumbled and then smiled widely. "On we go!" He took my arm and marched on with bg steps. I couldn't stop a chuckle escaping my mouth and marched along, Pyrefly mimicing our steps as well.

"It's amazing…" I whispered breathless. The summit… It was more beautiful than I could have ever imagined… Water rose from the lake upwards, not really streaming, more like, floating. "It sure is," Audax mumbled. Pyrefly was eyeing it rather nervously as well as the rock behind us, in which we could see people; hundreds of people. I shook my head awaking from this magical moment. "We better keep going." "Will you for once just wait!" he cried and I could hear a tone of anger in his voice. I immediately froze and looked at him. "Waiting isn't going to make things easier, Audax," I whispered but he continued looking at the water. And it was pretty obvious he wasn't going to move.

"Audax," I spoke again. "It's no use, what are a few minutes going to matter? They don't, Audax, they don't matter." "They do to me," he snapped and I realised that for once he was truelly angry with me. He had never approved what I did during the journey, always wanting to keep moving quickly, but now I realised he was just angry.

"Audax, please!"

"I've just had it, Jentl!" he cried and I now spotted the many tears rolling down his cheeks. "Always 'moving on' never waiting. We've travelled through entire Spira and not once have we stopped to admire it's beauty!"

"You can admire it afterwards," I spoke and he laughed.

"Can I Jentl? After you're dead? When you've died? When you've died I'm supposed to walk back home and smile, glad that the Calm has come, glad Spira is safe, glad that you're gone and I'll never see you again except in farplane! Where you'll be just an image, not a person but in image! Just floating there, not responding to anything I say or anything I feel! What's the change, right Jentl? You don't respond to me now, you don't feel anything I feel! You just ignore me!"

I couldn't move anymore. Everything he was telling me was so… Was that really how he felt right now? Had I really been so oblivious to him? I had never realised… But it was true. The only thing I had seen was my goal, was bringing the Calm to Spira. That's all that had mattered. That had been my priority. After all, when he was wounded, when I had thought he was dead, hand't I been afraid I wouldn't be able to continue my pilgrimmage? Hadn't I been thinking about that too?

"Audax I… I never realised…"

"Indeed, you never did," he muttered. His anger had failed but the tears were still there. "Not ever did you realise."

I was feeling so sorry for him at that time. He was right. I had seen this trip entirely wrong. A summoner's pilgrimmage, her journey to Zanarkand, should be seen as a final trip… A final lesson, to enjoy life in every way. A final journey to witness the beauty of life. Not a journey leading to death. Not a journey till the end.

"I'm sorry, Audax," I whispered. "I've been an idiot. I just should've payed more attention to what you thought and said. If I could rewind it, do it all over again, I would Audax. I wouldn't doubt for a second." I sighed deeply. "But I can't." Those words came out very highpitched. "I'm sorry. I should've thought over it all before I left. I shouldn't have acted so dramatically so spontaneously. I should've…"

"That's enough, Jentl," he mumbled and looked at me, his brown eyes piercing through my soul, me entire being. "No more shouldn'ts. I know that if you could rewind time you would, but that's the problem. You can't. That's what makes all of this so wrong! You meant right but you did wrong! You're too young for this Jentl, that's what everyone has told you since the day you decided to become a summoner. And you know what? They were right."

The tears just wouldn't stop flowing down my face and my silent crying had turned into sobs. "And you know what makes it even worse?" He breathed in deeply, closed his eyes and then spoke loud and clear: "I've always thanked Yevon you did so." My tears stopped abrubtly and I looked at his upset face. "Jentl… Although I know what's going to happen, once we reached the dome of Zanarkand, I can't stop being thankful to fate, to make you do this and make me get closer to you." He rested his hands on my shoulder and I could feel my heart started beating in my throat. "Jentl, you've been my best friend, more than that," he spoke softly. "And I'm so thankful, you let me go through this with you."

He was so close to me, his breath reached my face and I knew what he was going to do. He couldn't… "Don't…" I whispered but was cut off by his lips pressing against mine, his arms wrapping around me and pulling me closer. I could feel his heart beat inside his chest and his hands trembling softly on my back. Why? Why did he have to kiss me? It wasn't a long kiss but after he stopped he would not let go. I hadn't responded to his kiss because I did not want to, I did, but I did not want to make this even harder.

"Audax please," I whispered quietly as his hand stroke a lock away from my face and behind my ear. "It won't help. It's too late."

"I know," he said. "I just wanted to know… how it would feel like, to really love you. To be in love with you and to know at the same time you did too."

I wanted to look away but with one finger he held my chin up and forced me to look at him. But I couldn't. I couldn't show him I loved him too, it would be too hard. Unbearably hard. But I had to look and he saw it. I wanted to look cold-hearted but he still saw it. He could see right through me.

A small smile spread on his face and his eyes spoke: "I thought so." I could not bare anymore and pushed him away. "Please, don't Audax," I begged and turned away. "We have to go." He blinked a few times then nodded and we continued walking, past the summit into the cave leading to Zanarkand.