Chap. 14

The Suffering Part 2

(A few minutes earlier)

Would we have lived as a child would care?
With this vial to drink I dare
(Oh where have you been, oh where have you been)
Only to cry all alone with your taste on tongue
(Oh where have you been if it hurts to be forgiving? Bye)

Her hands reached for the pieces of the statue carefully, not wanting to damage them any more then she already had. Gathering them in her palms, Raven looked at them in sadness and disgust. Sadness, because one of her favorite pieces was now in shambles. Disgust, because it had been her lack of control that had destroyed it. As Raven's gaze moved from the pieces to the rest of the room, she had to amend that last thought. It hadn't just been the statue she'd destroyed, it had been most of her room. Her bookcases were tipped over, their contents spilled everywhere. The wallpaper was torn in several spots, by the claws of her powers. Everywhere, there was destruction and everywhere there was the sign of Raven's anger. And what anger it had been. It had been the rage of a wounded child, screaming out its rage and frustration at the bitter taste of betrayal. And though Raven hated seeing its results, she had to admit, while she had been in it's thrall, she had felt……. So very free.

Should we try this again with hope? (Bye, bye)
Or is it lost, give up the ghost
And should I die all alone as I knew I would...
Then burn in hell young sinner

Yes. Freedom was the right word. For someone like Raven, who had spent so much of her life wrapped up in controlling her emotions, something like this was freedom. To drink in emotion, to be overwhelmed by it, that was true nectar. It had controlled her so completely that she had not even bothered to dress until after she had destroyed the room. Only afterwards, had she remembered enough to pull some clothes out from the wreckage of the dresser. But now, as she looked at the wreckage of her room, with all of her problems beginning to flow back into her mind, Raven wondered, Why do I have to feel such pain to feel such freedom? It was almost like her father all over again; when she had freed herself from his touch at what had seemed to be the cost of the world. But when she had come back and destroyed him, she had felt as though she was her own person at last. Yet when she had tried to become part of a relationship again, the pain had come back. This time it was even worse. Trigon had been born evil, but Rorek…. He lied to me. And I believed it again. She thought. Is this what I'm going to do for the rest of my life? Believe every sweet word that I hear? If this is what I have to endure for it, then forget it. I don't need anybody besides my friends and family. And Rorek, even if I die alone, I'll watch you burn in hell first.

Hey, Hey!
If it was up to me (you had your hold)
I would've figured you out
Way before the year clocked out
Oh, I hope you're waiting

Suddenly, Raven heard the sound of metal sliding back on metal. "I'm ok Dad.." she began, but then another voice said, "It's me Raven." BB. Great. "Beast Boy, I'm really not in the mood right now." Raven said. "Please? Just let me…. Whoa." The green one said, as he looked around the room. He started to turn to her, but Raven sighed and said, "Yes, I trashed my own room. Are you happy now? Don't you have another date to go to?" "Not really." Beast Boy said, as he moved over to the fallen bookcase. Looking at it, he suddenly vanished from view. Raven opened her mouth to say something, but then the bookcase moved up, as the green gorilla grew underneath it and placed it back in its spot. "Thanks." Raven said, as the gorilla turned back into Beast Boy. "No problem." The green one said with a smile. "So what about the rest of this stuff?" "Are you offering to help me clean?" Raven asked. "Why not?" "Have you ever seen your room?" "Yeah, but we're in your room now. Besides, if you really want to clean this place up on your own…" Sighing, Raven said, "All right. Just be careful."

Those words turned to be totally unnecessary. BB moved with an uncanny efficiency, cleaning with a speed and dedication he'd never shown in, well, anything besides video games. But under Raven's instruction, the green one had the room back to normal in less then an hour. "Wow. I didn't know you could do work like this." Raven said, as she looked around at her room. "I have many hidden talents." BB answered, giving himself a pat on the back. "I can only imagine." Raven muttered, as she moved to adjust something on her desk. "Need me to do anything else?" the green one asked. At that, Raven turned around and gave him a strange look. "Mom, Dad, and everybody else in this tower stays away from here, but you come to help. Why?"

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
You may be invited, girl, but you're not coming in

"What, I can't be nice?" Beast Boy asked. "You're not usually this nice." Raven answered. "Your fear would've taken over by now." Now it was Beast Boy's turn to wear a strange expression, as he began to adjust his collar. "Well, it's that, well, after what happened, and what you said to me…." "You mean about Terra?" "Yeah. I kinda got thinking about…. Well how much pain that caused me, and when this happened it really made me think about us, and what happened before….." "Stop, BB. I know what you're going to say." Raven said. "You do?" Beast Boy replied in surprise. "Yes. And I appreciate it, but I've been hurt before. I don't need your advice." "My advice." BB repeated. "Yes. The whole, "it hurts, but you'll get over it." Speech. I know that my dad's gonna give me the same speech soon, and that's enough. Besides, after that, I don't think I'll need to hear it anymore."

"What do you mean?" "I'm giving up on it. I'm never gonna find anybody, and I accept that." "Raven, you don't know that.." BB said, as he reached out to her. "Then why is it every time I find someone who really loves me that way, I end up getting hurt? And don't tell me that Terra didn't make you think the same way. You don't want to find another Terra, and I don't want to find another Rorek. And maybe that's how it should be." Beast Boy was silent, his face stunned by these declarations. After a few minutes, his mouth finally managed to form the words, "If that's what you want…" "It is." Raven replied. Walking over to him, she put her hand on his shoulder and said, "Listen, thanks for helping with my room and listening to me. But I think I'd like to be alone for a little bit longer." "Oh. OK." Beast Boy said listlessly, as he turned and walked out the door. As it shut behind him, the green one walked to the end of the hallway. There, far enough from the reach of Raven's ears, he let out a mournful sigh, and fell back against the wall. "Now I'm never gonna be able to tell her." He muttered. "Maybe she's right. Maybe I should give up. Maybe that's the best thing for her." He let those words hang in the air for a moment, then gave a small nod, and began his slow, sad, walk down the hallway.

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
You may be invited, girl, but you're not coming in