A/N – Chapter 2 is here! Yay! This chapter will feature appearances by Lemo (the Lemon), Long Live the Pickles, Winston, and Mince Sauce. On with the disclaimer!
Disclaimer – I do not own any of the Harry Potter cast and/or crew. Nor do I own Lemo, Andy, Winston, Mince Sauce and/or Poopie McGee. They have all willingly given me permission to use them in my story.
The Misadventures of Poopie McGee
CHAPTER 2 – Diagon Alley
It had been a month since the Reptile House incident, and Vernon had gotten angry at all the Hogwarts letters that had come for Harry. Of course, he didn't realise that Poopie had gotten his Hogwarts letter, and what he needed for school. Anyways, since Vernon had gotten angry at all the owls that had come for Harry, so he decided to move the family and Poopie to a faraway hut on a lonely island somewhere. After everyone had unpacked, they had all been tired. Dudley had been given a couch to sleep on, and Harry was forced to sleep on the cold, hard ground, along with Poopie.
On the first night of staying there, Harry got a visitor.
KNOCK KNOCK!
Two loud knocks sounded at the door. "Who's there!" Vernon called, coming down the stairs whilst holding a rifle of some sort.
"I suggest yeh let me in before the rain soaks into me coat!" roared a voice from outside. Vernon, being the pansy he was, didn't open the door, but stood his ground at the stairs. Suddenly, the door burst open and a giant (well half giant, but you don't find that out until the fourth book) man stepped into the house. "I can fix tha'", he said, referring to the door on the ground. He looked around the room, his eyes landing on Harry. "Well, well, well. If it isn't Harry!" he said.
"Erm… do I know you?" Harry asked, casting a nervous glance at the now invisible Poopie.
"Do yeh know me? I'm the one who took you from the wreckage at your house!" the man said. "Name's Rubeous Hagrid, but yeh can call me Hagrid." Harry nodded, casting another glance at Poopie.
"Excuse me… but who are you?" Vernon asked nervously. He was a bit slow on the uptake.
"I jus' told Harry 'ere who I was", Hagrid said. "Anyways, I'm here to take Harry to Diagon Alley."
"Where?" Harry asked. Poopie slapped his forehead. This boy didn't know anything.
"Diagon Alley, o' course!" Hagrid said. "On'y the best Wizard place around!"
"Er… is it?" Harry asked.
"O' course it is! Jeez, don' you know anything, boy?" Hagrid asked. Poopie could have answered that one easily…
"Erm…"
"You're a wizard, Harry!" Hagrid said. Harry opened his mouth to tell Hagrid that he already knew that, but decided against it.
"Erm… I can't be a wizard! I'm just Harry!"
"Well, 'Jus' Harry', yeh coming with me whether the Muggles like it or not!" Hagrid said.
"I can't help but think this word 'Muggle' is an insult towards me!" Vernon said.
"Ah, yeh not as stupid as I thought, Dursley. Anyway, Harry, yeh famous!" Hagrid said.
"I am?" Again, Poopie smacked himself on the forehead. He was a vampire and he knew more than Harry did. But, who was he to badmouth his best friend of eleven years?
"Yeh the on'y person who survived an attack from You-Know-Who!" Hagrid said.
"Who?" Harry asked.
"You-Know-Who! Don' ask me to say his name… it's too scary…"
"Write it down?"
"Can' spell it, can I? Okay, his name is… Voldemort…" As he said his name, Hagrid shuddered.
"Voldemort?"
"Don't say it out loud, boy!" Hagrid hissed.
"Sorry."
"Anyways, he's the one who killed yeh parents!"
"WHAT!" Harry shot a furious glare at the Dursleys. "You told me they died in a car crash!"
"A car crash? A car crash? A car crash wouldn't have killed James and Lily Potter! Blimey, they didn't even own a car!" Hagrid said furiously. "Well boy, yeh coming with me now!"
"Wait!" Harry said as Hagrid went to leave.
"Wha'?"
"…I can't find Poopie…"
"I'm right here." Poopie became visible, and followed Harry and Hagrid out of the hut.
Harry, Hagrid and Poopie climbed into a boat that magically flew to London. "Alrigh' now that we're here, we've gotta go to Diagon Alley", Hagrid said. "This way!" And he was off, with Poopie and Harry hurrying along behind him.
An hour or so later, they arrived at a place called 'The Leaky Cauldron'. "Ah! The usual, Hagrid?" Tom, the barkeeper, asked.
"Not today, Tom! On official Hogwarts business!" Hagrid said, puffing his chest out proudly. They left the bar, and stood in front of a brick wall.
"Great place this 'Diagon Alley'", Poopie said. "Nothing but brick, I see."
"Poopie, since when did you start talking so much?" Harry asked.
"Can't answer now, Harry, the bricks are moving." And indeed the bricks were moving.
"Welcome to Diagon Alley!" Hagrid said proudly. "Now firs' yeh going to need money. We can get that at Gringotts."
"Got my money already", Poopie said. "Went there last night."
"Well, yeh can wait until Harry and I have finished." And so Poopie did wait. Whilst waiting, Poopie noticed some rather… weird girls skipping towards him. One girl had black hair, green eyes and pale skin, and she was wearing all black. The other girl had brown hair with blonde highlights, blue eyes and slightly darker skin then her friends, and she too, was wearing all black. Both girls were singing at the top of their lungs.
"IT'S A VIOLENT PORNOGRAPHY! CHOKING CHICKS AND SODOMY! THE KINDA SHIT YOU GET ON YOUR TV!"
Poopie had to cover his ears. "Aaahhh! My ears! It's horrible! Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!" he screamed. As if they heard him (which they probably did), both girls stopped singing, and looked at Poopie. "HI! What's your name? I'm Lemo!" the girl with black hair said.
"And I'm Andy!" the girl with brown hair added. Poopie looked at them.
"I'm Poopie. Poopie McGee."
"Poopie's a stupid name!" Andy said.
"So is Andy!" Poopie shot back.
"Poopie? What's going on?" Harry asked as he and Hagrid walked out of Gringotts. Andy and Lemo squealed happily.
"OH MY GOD YOU'RE HARRY POTTER! THE BOY WHO LIVED!" Andy screamed.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" And Lemo just plain screamed. Harry's eyes widened.
"Erm… do I know you?"
"That's Lemo, and that's Andy", Poopie said.
"Oh… hello!"
"Well Harry, we should go and get your books and such", Hagrid said.
"Poopie, are you coming?" Harry asked.
"Eh… I'll just stay with Lemo and Andy", Poopie replied. Harry's face fell sadly.
"Oh… okay then…" he said, and walked off with Hagrid. His best friend of eleven years was ditching him for two girls he had just met…
Poopie watched his friend walk away, before turning back to Lemo and Andy. "So…" he said.
"Your eyes are red", Andy pointed out.
"And your skin is really pale", Lemo added.
"I'm a vampire", Poopie said. Lemo and Andy gasped.
"REALLY!" When Poopie nodded, they screamed happily.
Harry sighed. 'I bet he's telling them one of his funny jokes…' he thought sadly. Then something snapped in the back of his mind. 'Poopie doesn't tell jokes!' he thought. This cheered Harry up greatly. "Alrigh' Harry, you need yeh books and uniform. Why don't yeh get the uniform, and I'll get yeh books?" Hagrid said.
"Sure, sounds good!" Harry smiled brightly, and the two separated.
"An' I'll get yeh a birthday present while I'm at it!" Hagrid called back. Harry nodded and waved, and walked into Madam Malkin's Robes for all Occasions.
"Hogwarts?" Madam Malkin asked. Harry nodded, and stood next to another boy, who was also getting robes.
"Hogwarts?" the boy asked. Harry nodded again.
"What house do you suppose you'll be in?" the boy asked.
"Uhh… house?" Harry asked uncertainly.
"I expect I'll be in Slytherin. Can you imagine being in Gryffindor? That would be embarrassing!" the boy said.
"Err… sure it would!" Harry said.
"Harry!" Hagrid knocked on the window, and held up a cage that held a white snowy owl. "I got yeh present!" Harry smiled happily, and waved.
"Poopie, come with us!" Andy said.
"We're gunna go get so ice cream!" Lemo added. The two girls started to pull Poopie towards the ice cream store.
"Uh, hello? Vampire? I can only drink blood", Poopie said.
"Duh! They'll have blood flavoured ice creams, silly!" Andy said, whilst Lemo laughed hysterically. Poopie shrugged.
"No thanks. I don't eat ice cream." Andy and Lemo started at him like he was an alien from another planet.
"You what!"
"I don't eat ice cream…"
"I knew it!" Lemo said, whilst Andy cried in the background. "What kind of freak doesn't eat ice cream!" Poopie raised whatever eyebrow it was that he had.
An hour or so had passed. It was time for Poopie to meet up with Harry and Hagrid. He was having a good time with Lemo and Andy, but he couldn't let Harry see that. He knew it would break Harry's heart to see that Poopie had made new friends without him. 'Ugh, why do I even care about that guy? He kept me in a cupboard for eleven years!' Poopie thought.
"Poopie!" Harry called, waving. Poopie waved back reluctantly. He kept his face neutral – free of any emotion whatsoever.