A/N – First off, I would like to thank my mum, my brother Sean, and my brother Aaron, who is also known as Poopie McGee. Without them, I wouldn't have them. Next I'd like to thank Winston, for being there when times were tough. Also, I'd like to thank Lemo and Andy. Andy, because she's cool, and Lemo, cause I spoke to her on the phone, and it was so awkward. Lol. And last, but not least, I'd like to thank Mince Sauce, for giving me the inspiration that I needed to write this story. And now, on with the disclaimer!
Disclaimer – Obviously you already know that I don't own Harry Potter, or his spider-hating friend Ron, or his know-it-all bitch, Hermione (No offence to Hermione lovers). So why must I keep telling you that I don't? Because I'll get sued, that's why. –Glares at monkey lawyers- They suck. Don't ever hire monkeys to be your lawyers. Go with cheese, people. Cheese will show you the way. Like the yellow brick road. –sighs- I always liked that movie… oh, and on another note, I don't own Poopie McGee, Lemo, Andy, Winston, or Mince Sauce.
…that was a long disclaimer…
The Misadventures of Poopie McGee
CHAPTER 3 – Platform 9¾, and the Hogwarts Express
Life had been pretty quiet for Harry and Poopie since meeting Hagrid. That was probably because Hagrid had given Dudley a pig's tail. Or because he had threatened to change Dudley into a full pig if the Dursley's mistreated Harry again. But it was now October 31st, the night before Poopie and Harry would get on the train to Hogwarts. But first, they needed a ride to the train station. So Harry gave it a shot – he asked his uncle for a ride.
"Uncle Vernon?"
"What is it, boy? This is a very interesting paper you know, and I don't want to lose my spot. Spit it out!" Vernon said rudely. Harry took a deep breath, and asked,
"Would you be able to give me and Poopie a ride to the train station?"
Vernon's coffee fell to the floor. His face went red. He looked like a tomato. Had he been a tomato, Harry could've entered him into a vegetable competition, and won. But unfortunately, Vernon wasn't a tomato. He still looked like one, though.
"So, that thing got into Hogwarts too, did it?" Vernon asked.
"First off, Poopie is a vampire and secondly, yes, yes he did", Harry replied.
"Alright then, boy. I'll give you your ride to the train station. Hell, I'll pick you up at the end of the school year. But you stay there for every single holiday there is. Got that?"
"Yes."
"Good. Get out of my sight."
And that's exactly what Harry did. As he walked into his room, Poopie asked the first question he could think of,
"Will anyone willingly give up their lives so I can have a drink?"
Harry stopped. Harry stared. Harry burst out laughing. "Willing – haha – give you – haha – a drink – haha – of blood? I don't – haha – think so!" he said. Poopie frowned. He didn't see what was so funny about his question. He was serious. He had a serious look on his face. That was it! There must've been something on his face! Poopie's hand flew to his face, and searched every single bit of skin there was. But he couldn't find anything. So what on earth was Harry laughing at? It must have been the question! "Harry", Poopie began, careful to use a serious tone, "I am one hundred percent serious about this question. How do you think I'll survive without blood?" Harry stopped laughing.
"Drink tomato juice, of course!" he said. Nothing was more upsetting than hearing your best friend telling you to drink tomato juice.
"Tomato juice? Tomato juice? Mortal, how the hell do you think I'll survive on tomato juice? It doesn't even taste relatively like blood!" Poopie said. Harry stared at his friend. Was he, Poopie McGee, calling him, Harry Potter, a mortal? Well, it was true. But he was a wizard! Didn't that count for anything? But Harry, being the awesome friend he was, let the insult slide, and just glared at Poopie. "Go to bed, Poopie", Harry said, lying down on his own bed. Poopie rolled his eyes, and did just that – he went to bed.
The next morning came quickly for the two wizards. Both got up at a respectable hour – eight o'clock. Both got ready in a record amount of time. Once again, the Dursley's, and Harry, piled into the car, with Poopie strapped to the bottom. They mistreated Poopie so badly, but he didn't seem to notice. Or he noticed, and didn't care. Or he noticed, and cared, but couldn't be bothered doing anything about it. Anyways, back to the story. It was about ten thirty when they arrived at Kings Cross Station. "What platform do you have to go on, boy?" Vernon asked. Harry checked his ticked.
"Umm… platform nine and three quarters", he said. Vernon, Petunia and Dudley burst out laughing.
"Platform nine and three quarters? Good luck trying to find it, boy! Have fun at your imaginary school!" Vernon said, and the three Dursley's left the station in a fit of laughter. Harry looked at Poopie worriedly.
"Think they're right? Think there's no platform?" he asked.
"They never said anything about no platform. They said 'Good luck trying to find it, boy!'. In those words exactly", Poopie replied.
"Ugh, packed with Muggles, as always…" a red-headed woman said disgustedly. At the sound of the word 'Muggles', Harry perked up, and dragged his trunk, and Poopie, over towards the woman and her family.
"Alright Fred, you go first!" the woman said.
"I'm not Fred! I'm George!" a boy said. "Honestly, call yourself our mother…"
"Oh, sorry George. Off you go."
"Just kidding mum, I am Fred!" And with that, the boy ran straight into a brick wall. Literally, he ran into it. No joke! Look, I know what I'm talking about, okay? Okay, on with the story… Harry walked over to the woman and her children.
"Um, excuse me?"
"Yes dear?"
"How do you get onto the –"
"The platform?"
"Hey, don't interrupt!" Poopie said. Harry nudged him, and looked at the woman again.
"Yes, the platform."
"That's easy, dear. Just run through the barrier."
Poopie rolled his eyes. "I could've told you that much…"
"Shut up, Poopie", Harry said, looking at the wall nervously. Poopie rolled his eyes again, and ran at the wall, going straight through it.
"Hey! HEY POOPIE! Over here!" Poopie looked in the direction of the voice, and groaned. It was Lemo and Andy. And they had a weasel, and a lamb with them. "Poopie, this is Winston. That's Mince Sauce", Lemo said. Poopie grunted.
"And that is our friend Cheesy", Andy added, pointing to another girl. This girl had dark brown hair, and blue eyes, and was wearing her Hogwarts uniform, singing at the top of her lungs. Poopie sighed. "Let me guess – she's exactly like you in every way?"
"YES! Snaps for Poopie!" Andy said, whilst Lemo nodded.
"Poopie?" Harry said as he came through the barrier.
"Oh, right… you remember Andy and Lemo don't you?" Poopie asked, and Harry nodded. "Well that's their friend, Cheesy."
"Cool. Come on, Poopie, we need to find a compartment", Harry said.
"Oh! Oh! Come with us!" Lemo said happily.
"Yeah! We're sharing it with that red-headed guy over there. Think his name was Don…" Andy said.
"No, it was Jon…" Lemo said.
"Was it?" Andy asked.
"It was Ron! My name is Ron!" the red-head said.
"Is that you lord!" Andy asked, looking up at the sky.
Later on in the compartment, Andy, Lemo and Cheesy had started singing.
"A-wimbo-weh-a-wimbo-weh-a-wimbo-weh… IN THE JUNGLE! THE MIGHTY JUNGLE! THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!"
Poopie groaned. He didn't know how much more singing he could take… it felt like his ears were going to burst. Luckily, another girl came to their rescue. "Excuse me, has anyone seen a toad? Neville's lost one!" the girl said. Everyone shook their heads, and the girl now looked at Ron. "Oh! Are you doing magic? Let's see then!" she said. Ron looked nervous, but pointed his wand at a fat rat sleeping on his lap.
"Sunshine, daisies,
Butter, mellow,
Turn this stupid
Fat rat yellow!"
As suspected, it didn't work. "Are you sure that's a real spell? Well it's not very good, is it? I've tried a few on my own, and they all worked. Oh my god! You're Harry Potter! And you are …?"
"Ron. Ron Weasley!"
"Pleasure. Anyway, I've read all about you!"
"Err…"
"My name is Hermione Granger. I know all about you, Harry! You should probably change into your robes now. I've just been up the front, and the driver said we're going to be there soon."
Harry and Ron nodded meekly, and Hermione went to leave, stopping at the door. "Oh, and by the way – you've got a bit of dirt… on your nose… just there. Did you know?" she said, before walking out of the compartment.
"Bit if a mental case, isn't she?" Ron asked.
"Off her rocker, she is", Harry agreed. Both looked at Poopie, expecting him to say some sort of insult.
"Mental case? Off her rocker? What the hell is wrong with you people? Can't you think of any good insults? It's obvious that she's a stuck-up bitch!" Poopie said, and proceeded to mutter about the stupid insults Harry and Ron had come up with.
"MY COCK IS MUCH BIGGER THAN YOURS! MY COCK CAN WALK RIGHT THROUGH THE DOOR! WITH A FEELING SO PURE!"
Harry, Ron and Poopie groaned. The girls had started singing again.
A/N – I hope you enjoyed it. Next chapter, they'll be sorted into their houses. Harry and Ron will take an immediate disliking to Draco Malfoy. What house with Poopie be sorted into? Can he prove to the sorting hat that vampires can be brave and loyal? Or will the sorting hat use the stereotype that all vampires are cold-hearted monsters, and sort him into Slytherin? Tune in next time for The Misadventures of Poopie McGee!
CtC (Cheesy the Cheeseball)