You Won't Succeed on TV
Disclaimer: Disney owns "Kim Possible." Monty Python owns the original song "You Won't Succeed on Broadway." I own whatever I write/create. Don't steal and don't sue.
"KP, have you ever thought about being on TV?"
"I have, Ron. We wouldn't stand a chance."
"But why not?"
"Because TV is a very special place. It's filled with special people who can act and dance and sing and sometimes save the world."
"But you can do all that!"
"They can do it all at the same time, though. They're a different people—a multitalented people—a people who need people. And we all know that they can be the luckiest people in the world. I'm sorry, Ron. We don't have a chance."
"But why?"
"Well, let me put it like this:
"In any great adventure—
If you don't want to lose—
Victory depends upon the people that you choose.
So listen, Ronald, buddy, closely to this news:
We won't succeed on TV
If we don't have any Jews."
"KP?"
"Shh, Ron! I'm not nearly done yet!
"You may have the coolest sets,
Fill the stage with gene-spliced pets,
You may have the spankin'-est outfits and best shoes.
You may scream and you may pray
But Ronald, I must say,
You'll hear no cheers—
Just lots and lots of boos."
"Um, Kim, why's there a montage running on the TV reflecting exactly what you sing?"
"Quiet, Ron! I want to get to the part where I talk about Shego!
"You may have hot girls by the score
Whom the audience adore—
You may even have a heroine on the news,
Though you've holes and krauts instead
You may have unleavened bread
But I tell you, you are dead
If you don't have any Jews!"
"Kim, what are holes and krauts?"
"I don't know. Now stop interrupting me!
"They won't care if it's witty,
Or everything looks pretty—
They'll simply say it's shitty and refuse.
Nobody will go, Ron!
If it's not kosher then no show, Ron!
Even Goyem won't be dim enough to choose!
Put on shows that make fans bewitched
With an episode where brains get switched—
You may even have the finest of reviews!"
"Kim, wait a minute!"
"Quiet!
"But the audiences won't care, Ron!
As long as you don't dare, Ron,
To start a show on TV
If you don't have any Jews!"
"But Kim—"
"Stop interrupting!
"You may have dramatic lighting,
Or lots of horrid fighting—
You may even have some monkeys without shoes!"
"Monkey!"
"Shut up, Ron!
"Your villains may be weird boys,
But sadly we're all goys,
And those British guys with monkey feet you must lose!"
"MONKEY!"
"Shut up, Ron!
"So, despite your pretty lights
And naughty girls in nasty tights
And the most impressive scenery you use—
You may have rapping scientists,
You may have girls with pointed tits,
But they will not care a wit
If you don't have any Jews!"
"Wait—was that about Shego, or was that about you?"
"Both. Now quit interrupting me!
"You may have gay subtext in your shows,
Have a black girl selling clothes—
You may even have naked mole rats serving stews!"
"Booyah! Naked mole rats represent!"
"Quiet!
"You haven't got a clue
If you don't have a Jew—
All of your investments you are going to lose!
There's a very small percentile
Who enjoys a dancing gentile;
I'm sad to be the one with this bad news!
Even with slapstick comedy—
You just won't succeed on TV
You just don't succeed on TV
If you don't have any Jews!"
"But Kim—"
"Hold on a minute!"
"Ronald, can you hear me?
To get along on TV,
To have a show on TV,
To hit the top on TV and not lose,
Ron, this is why I sing
There is one essential thing…"
"KP!"
"Shut up!
"There simply must be, simply must be Jews!
There simply must be,
Ronald, trust me,
Simply must be Jews!"
"…Are you done now?"
"Yes. What were you trying to tell me?"
"I'm a Jew!"
"…Oh. That explains why Disney caved in to the demands for another season."
—end—