A/N – So I took a little longer than I thought I would to update. It's not my fault I had school! Anyways, it's only been five days! I updated on Wednesday, remember? I couldn't update Thursday because I still felt sick, and I didn't update yesterday, because I was being lazy and couldn't be bothered. I was also attempting to clean my room yesterday. Surprisingly, my half-assed attempts don't look all that bad!
…anyways…
Disclaimer – I don't own Harry Potter and co. nor do I own Lemo, Andy, Winston, Mince Sauce and/or Poopie McGee. Cheesy is me, I am her, etc. Sparkles is my mindless slave, came from my imagination and stuff, so yeah… ALSO I don't own Muffin who is appearing in this chapter. YAAAY!
The Misadventures of Poopie McGee
CHAPTER 9 – Flying Lessons
It was the day that the first year Gryffindor's and Slytherin's would start their flying lessons. Lemo, Andy and Cheesy were all excited, and spent most of their time bragging about how they already had their own brooms that made cake. Everyone suspected that they were lying about the cake part, but nobody was game enough to stand up to them. Poopie spent most of his time with Lemo, Andy and Cheesy, seeing as they were friends, and yeah…
The day found them in their first class, which was Transfiguration. The class had been asked to split into pairs, so Poopie and Lemo had gone together, whilst Andy and Cheesy sat near them. Their task was to transfigure a toothpick into a needle, and so far, only Hermione Granger (who was the only person without a partner, funnily enough…) had managed to get her toothpick silver-looking. Poopie and Lemo had given their toothpick a sharper point, and Andy and Cheesy had snapped their toothpick in half in frustration.
Professor McGonagall sighed at her students. She was considering moving Hermione up a grade, seeing as she was the best. Lemo, Cheesy and Andy, however, were failing almost all of their classes. Cheesy had found a love for Potions, and was passing in that. She seemed to be the only Gryffindor Professor Snape was fair to. Lemo, surprisingly, was passing Transfiguration with flying colours. The class Andy was passing was Defense Against the Dark Arts. This had surprised, and angered Harry. Not only had the three stolen his best friend from him, but Andy was actually better than Harry at DADA!
Lemo suddenly let out an excited squeal. "IT'S A NEEDLE! POOPIE AND I DID IT! WE TURNED THE TOOTHPICK INTO A NEEDLE! BEFORE HERMIONE I'M-A-KNOW-IT-ALL-BITCH GRANGER DID!" she screamed. Poopie, however, just stared at his friend boredly. Cheesy and Andy crossed their arms, proceeding to pout. Hermione stared at Lemo with a look of anger on her face. Nobody was better than she was in classes! Nobody! Lemo would… pay! Hermione reached for her wand. All she could see was red. She felt like strangling Lemo. But no, a nice spell would work… lifting her wand, Hermione pointed it directly at Lemo, who was doing a victory dance after just being awarded one hundred house points for being the… well, smartest in the class. Hermione opened her mouth, and screamed,
"STUPEFY!"
Cheesy and Andy reacted quickly, jumping to their feet and shouting,
"PROTEGO!"
Hermione's spell rebounded away from Lemo, who was staring at Hermione. "Professor McGonagall…" Lemo started, "…HERMIONE THE-KNOW-IT-ALL-BITCH GRANGER JUST TRIED TO KILL ME!"
"Lemo… she tried to stun you. She would've had to use a completely different spell to kill you…" Andy said. "And besides, she can't be a know-it-all, because she didn't know how to change a toothpick into a needle…"
"But neither did you!" Poopie said.
"Cheesy and I weren't really trying, though", Andy said.
Meanwhile, over the other side of the room, Hermione was receiving the shouting of a lifetime. "NEVER IN ALL MY YEARS OF TEACHING HAVE I SEEN A STUDENT ACT THAT WAY BECAUSE ANOTHER STUDENT DID SOMETHING FIRST! HERMIONE GRANGER YOU ARE PASSING MY CLASS ALREADY, AND YOU ARE A VERY BRIGHT STUDENT! WHAT ON EARTH POSSESSED YOU TO TRY TO STUN LEAH!"
Hermione remained silent, glaring at Lemo over McGonagall's shoulder.
"No response. Just as I thought. Fifty points from Gryffindor", McGonagall said. Harry and Ron started protesting at once.
"Professor-!"
"Your own house-!"
"It may be my own house but I do expect the students in my house to be respectful towards each other! Sit down the both of you!"
"Lemo –"
"Who?"
"Ugh, sorry Professor. Leah provoked her! She –"
"FIVE POINTS EACH FROM GRYFFINDOR! Now… sit your freakin' ass down!"
Harry and Ron fell silent, both sitting in their seats.
"Thanks for trying…" Hermione muttered, still glaring at Lemo.
XxXxXxXxX
The next class, to Cheesy's delight, was Potions.
"You will be making a small Sleeping Draught. It will be strong enough to put your victim… I mean, partner to sleep, but it won't be strong enough to keep their dreams away", Snape said. Cheesy squealed happily. Sleeping Draughts were easy for her! "You will be in groups of four. Yes, Mr. Potter, four. And – yes, Miss Kently?" Snape asked.
"Do we have to group up with people we don't talk to or don't like? Because I think Hermione is a bit… sensitive, at the moment, and she might try to hex me because I'm better than she is at Potions", Cheesy said. Snape's eyes flicked towards Hermione, before he looked back at Cheesy. "It's true! Hermione tried to stun Lemo in Transfiguration just because Lemo is better at it than Hermione is!"
Snape turned to Lemo. "Is this true, Miss Roberts?" he asked. Lemo started nodding her head.
"If it hadn't been for Cheesy and Andy using their protection spells on me, I'd be DEAD!"
"For the last time, Lemo, she can't kill you with Stupefy! She'd have to use a completely different spell!" Andy said.
"Andy… don't correct her. Let her believe what she wants to", Poopie said calmly. Andy rolled her eyes in reply.
Snape shook his head. "Regardless of what spell she used, Miss Kently, you will be grouped with Miss Roberts, Miss Rose, and Mr. McGee."
Cheesy, Lemo and Andy all burst into laughter. "He sounds like an old man!"
Snape curled his lip in disdain, and moved on to make the other groups.
Andy, Poopie, Lemo and Cheesy stood up to get their supplies from the supplies closet.
A few minutes later, they returned to their seats. "Alright Cheesy, what do we do?" Lemo asked. Cheesy just smiled and said,
"Sit back and enjoy the show, Lemo."
So that's exactly what Lemo did. She even had Poopie whip up a bowl of popcorn, which Poopie did only too happily, whilst Harry watched on in jealousy. Jeez, Harry needs to get over Poopie…
Anyways, back to Poopie, Lemo, Andy and Cheesy…
Cheesy was working fast, and hard, and required no help from Poopie, Lemo or Andy. Occasionally she'd ask them to hand her something, and they would, and then that would be the end of things.
A few minutes passed, and finally, Cheesy turned away from the cauldron. "DONE!"
Lemo, Andy and Poopie cheered for their friend, before looking at Hermione, who was glaring daggers at Cheesy. That was two classes she had been beaten at. Hermione raised her wand, about to say a spell, but was stopped by Snape. "Is there a problem, Miss Granger?" Snape asked. "Or were you just planning on hexing my star pupil for no reason?"
Hermione blushed, lowering her wand. "No, Sir, I was just –"
"She was just showing us how clean her wand is", Ron said, he and Harry stepping beside Hermione. Snape's lip curled in disdain.
"Save it for after my class, Miss Granger."
"Yes, Professor."
Cheesy, Lemo and Andy laughed, whilst Poopie and Harry had a glaring match across the room.
XxXxXxXx
The next class, the last class before they would start their flying lessons, was Defense Against the Dark Arts, which Andy was really excited about.
"A-a-all right, s-s-students. Y-y-y-you haven't h-h-had me b-b-b-before, b-b-b-but I am P-p-p-professor Quirrell. This is D-d-d-defense Against the D-d-d-dark Arts, and you are hear to learn exactly t-t-t-that", Quirrell said. Cheesy and Lemo exchanged looks with Poopie, and Andy started writing down notes on the Expelliarmus spell. Lemo leaned over Cheesy to see Andy's book, and was greatly surprised at the amount of writing Andy had already done. "He hasn't even said any of that!" Lemo said. Andy blinked, looking at Lemo and Cheesy.
"I bet you five chocolate frogs that she made that up", Cheesy said to Lemo.
"And the cards?"
"Cards and all."
"It's a bet! Andy, did you make that up?"
Andy sighed, and pushed a book towards Cheesy, Lemo and Poopie. Poopie picked the book up, flicking through a few pages.
"Andy didn't make any of it up", Poopie announced.
"Ha! Hand over my chocolate frogs, Cheesm!" Lemo said.
"Um… at lunch, I will!" Cheesy said.
"Oh, alright…"
"All right, who would like to d-d-d-demonstrate the Expelliarmus s-s-s-s-spell for me?" Quirrell asked. Andy's hand immediately shot up, as did Hermione's. "All right Miss Rose and Miss Granger. You may d-d-demonstrate the s-s-spell for me."
Andy and Hermione glared at each other, and before Hermione could do anything, Andy raised her wand and shouted,
"Expelliarmus!"
Hermione's wand flew out of her hand, and she immediately started glaring at Andy, who was cheering.
"If looks could kill…" Poopie muttered.
"Harry would be a dead man!" Lemo finished cheerily.
"…he would?" Poopie asked, blinking.
"Yeah! Quirrell is so giving him the evils!"
"The… evils…?"
"Evil looks", Andy explained as she came back over.
"Ah…"
XxXxXxXx
That day at lunch, Dumbledore had another announcement. Cheesy was ecstatic at this news, as she seemed to love Dumbledore's speeches. She could sit for hours just listening to Dumbledore speak, but unfortunately, he usually just said a few words, and sat down, which made Cheesy rather un-talkative for about five minutes, which was when the food had arrived.
So anyways, standing up at the teacher's table along with the teachers was a girl who had blonde hair with red at the ends, and brown eyes. She looked to be around Cheesy, Lemo, and Andy's age, which was eleven. Poopie, however, was probably waaaaaaay older than that, seeing as he was a vampire and all… I'm getting off subject, aren't I?
–audience nods-
Thought so.
Dumbledore stood up to make his speech, and Cheesy immediately straightened up in her seat, staring at Dumbledore. Lemo, Andy and Poopie suspected she had a secret school-girl crush on him, but ew! That would be GROSS!
"Students, I would like to welcome a new student to the school. She has just come from that French school, and will be staying with us for the rest of her, and your, school years. Please give a warm welcome to Kelsey!" Dumbledore said. The Great Hall erupted into applause, and surprisingly, the Slytherin (boys) joined in.
"Kelsey, if you would please sit on this stool, and put this hat on your head…" McGonagall said.
"Why? Is it some sort of public humiliation that I have to endure before I get put into my house?" Kelsey asked.
"The hat will sort you into your house…" McGonagall said.
"How is a hat going to do that?"
"…it can talk…"
"Silly old lady! Hats can't talk!"
"GET THE DAMN HAT ON YOUR HEAD!"
Kelsey rolled her eyes, and muttered,
"That's all you had to say…"
She sat down on the stool, and shoved the hat on her head, waiting patiently for it to talk.
"…who the hell are you? Why was I woken up a year early? The little shits aren't supposed to be here until next year!" the hat said.
Kelsey blinked. So the hat really did talk… "Erm… I need to be Sorted… I just came to this school…" she said. Oh how weird it felt talking to a hat. The only inanimate object she had ever spoken to was her vacuum cleaner, which she had named Frank.
"Oh everyone needs to be Sorted at one stage… girl, what makes you different? Suuuure you're new. That's what Steve the Armor said when he first came here."
"…Steve's an armor?"
"Yes, and a bloody annoying one at that. Not once in my life have I ever met a suit of armor as annoying as Steve. All he does is talk about his days as a second-rate model. He was voted Sexiest Armor in his class, you know."
"Erm… can I be Sorted now?"
"What? Oh… sure… I mean, why would anybody want to talk to a hat? Man I'm lonely…"
"Oh, it's not that I don't want to talk to you, it's just… I'm really hungry."
"Oh, alright… well, I guess you can go in… GRYFFINDOR!"
McGonagall's eyes widened. "Aw man…"
"Something wrong, Minerva?" asked twinkly-eyed Dumbledore.
"What? Oh, no, nothing's wrong, Albus. I'm fine, you're fine… it's not like a group of Death Eater's are suddenly going to ransack the place…"
Dumbledore's eyes continued to twinkle, though they seemed to be more twinkly than usual.
Meanwhile, back at the Gryffindor table…
"Hi! I'm Muffin!" Kelsey… err Muffin said brightly, standing behind Cheesy, Lemo, Andy and Poopie.
"…didn't McGonagall call you Kelsey?" Poopie asked.
"Yes, but I hate that name. You guys can call me Muffin!"
"Muffin?" Cheesy said, her eyes twinkling like Dumbledore's (Andy and Lemo suspected she had been practicing), "I like muffins!"
"Why do we gotta call you Muffin? Why not Cupcake?" Lemo said.
"Pumpkin?" Andy added.
"Sweet Potato?" Poopie chimed in.
"…huh?" Muffin asked.
"Well, you did say your name was Muffin. Men call their wives 'Muffin'", Andy said.
"Oh!" Muffin laughed.
"Men also call their wives Pumpkin, Cupcake and/or Sweet Potato", Lemo added.
"Sit down, Muffin!" Cheesy said, "We have much to discuss!"
And that was how Muffin became their friend…
Oh, and Poopie started sulking, saying they needed more guys around.
"Well, we could become friends with Harry and Ron again…" Lemo said.
"No! being the only guy is fine with me!" Poopie said, horrified.
And so, the group ate their lunch happily…
XxXxXxXxX
"Good morning students!" said Madam Hooch.
"…it's afternoon, Madam…" Muffin said.
"Oh! Oh, right! Of course it is…" Hooch coughed. "Err, my watch must be stuffed up… anyways, WELCOME to your first flying lesson!"
Lemo, Andy, Cheesy and to their surprise, Muffin, started cheering, and Hooch grinned.
"Now, stand on the left side of your broom – no, Longbottom, your left. No, that's your right. Now you're standing on your broom… that's a boy!" Hooch said. "Stick out your right hand, and say 'Up!'"
Everyone did this. Poopie's, Harry's, Andy's and Muffin's brooms flew into their hands, as did all the Slytherin's. Ron's rolled around a bit, Hermione's had flown off into the Forbidden Forest, Cheesy's was flying around her, and she was giggling happily. Lemo's, however, seemed to have a mind of its own. When Lemo had said 'Up!', the broom had stood up, like it was a human, and was now beating Lemo around the head with the sweeping part of the broom, whilst Lemo screamed.
Cheesy, Andy and Muffin laughed at their friend, and Poopie just examined his nails, making sure there were no more hangnails (he was a suspected queer, but he couldn't help it if he just liked to have perfect nails!). Finally, many bumps and bruises later, the broom stopped beating Lemo up. But Lemo was far too pissed off to let the broom get away with that. Lemo picked up the broom, and slammed it onto the ground. "I'll teach you to fucking beat me up!" Lemo screamed, picking the broom up again, and throwing it at the castle. The broom hit the wall, and fell to the ground, only to have Lemo pick it up again, and throw it at the Whomping Willow. Nobody ever saw that broom again…
"That taught that piece of shit…" Lemo said, before glaring at Andy, Cheesy and Muffin, who were all rolling around on the ground laughing. "Shut up, bitches! You call yourselves my friends!"
She was answered by more laughter…
A/N – YAY! That was fricken four pages! Longest chapter I've done yet, methinks… anyways, hope you liked it! And Muffin is based completely on my friend Kelsey, who lives in America, so I have no idea what she actually looks like D
Love ya, lovelies!
CtC