Disclaimer: I do not own FullMetal Alchemist…If I do, Edo would sooooooooo be mine!

Heart of Metal

Chapter 4

Returnable Memories

"Brother…why…?"

The dawn has long since passed but Al had still not yet find it in him to remove himself from the pile of memories before him. Over the distance, the first rays of the morning sun were already peeking through the opened window of the spare room in the military's dormitory. Colonel Mustang had been kind enough to let him alone, undisturbed for almost the entire day yesterday. And because of that, Al had sat and found more in their suitcase than he had imagined. Such as, for example, he had never expected his brother to be carrying a stack of pictures of their childhood. Though one was missing, the one of the brothers when they had made their first successful catch, the stack was still enough to gnaw at Al's invisible heart.

He shifted once more, folding neatly his brother's extra set of clothes, the black shirt, pants, and red coat. He had always carried this extra set in case they should get stuck in a furious rain, or his brother should fall down a river, or…or his clothes should get stained with blood. At the thought again, Al broke down burying his metal face into his metal hands again. There were no real tears, but there were enough to drown himself in his own flowing emotions.

When he had once more calmed himself down, his fingers brushed against the stack of photos again. Slowly, he randomly picked one up.

"Brother…?"

It was perhaps one of the most painful pictures yet. The four of their family were still together, holding onto each other and smiling contently. Suddenly, he began to wonder what they were content about? Was it about life? Was it about the way they live? Or was it simply because they had each other? If that's true, then what is Al's reason to be happy anymore? There was no one else. Slowly, everyone was being taken away from this world. His brother had been the last one. But still, the thought was still too impossible to accept. His brother had always been so strong, so…invincible…In fact, he was so strong that he was always the one to do everything for Al, including the one to make them up after every argument and fight.

Little Al sat by himself at the edge of the river, staring forward the glowing horizon. Sunsets were supposed to be peaceful. Sunsets were supposed to be romantic. At least, his mother had always told him so. Day after day, he noticed that she would always sit and stare at the departing sun, as if she was expecting someone to come walking out from the heart of the golden light.

"This sucks…" he said to himself.

Sunsets were supposed to be beautiful. But yet, he felt nothing but frustration and anger as he continued to stare into the heart of the horizon. His brother was so insensitive. He was so heartless. Al knew what their mom was always waiting for. He knew she was waiting for father. And yet, his brother always got mad when Al brought the subject up. Al had been the kinder one, the more compassionate one. He had always wanted to talk to his brother about a way to get father back, but yet, they would end up with a fight every time. He just didn't get it.

Suddenly, he felt footsteps behind him and he quickly turned around.

"Hey, Al," his brother spoke, his voice strangely hollow and heavy.

Now, he would not hate his brother for anything in the world. But back then, there was a strange feeling that closely resembled hate as he stood up and got on the offensive with his fists in front of him. He didn't understand his brother, and he felt as if he was alone in this world. Only he could understand the pain mom was going through for father.

"Come on," his brother said, turning around slowly, "Let's go."

Surprised, Al let his fists fall at his sides again. Unknowingly, a smile crossed his lips as he took off after his brother. Perhaps his brother had opened his eyes to the truth at last and now they would have a chance to talk about father. With that eager thought in mind, Al continued to catch up with the small but fast-moving figure before him.

Al almost laughed at the memory. It was almost too late when Al had learned of his brother's true nature, the nature that could more or less kill him. He learned that his brother always kept things inside, and what always came out of his mouth were always more or less a masked expression. If he said "I'm fine, really", it would most likely arouse suspicion from Al that it actually meant "I feel like crap, but I don't want to worry you". Al knew now that back then, his brother had also thought about the matter of their father just as Al did, but he always acted so defiant and stubborn because he wanted Al to drop the subject. He did not want Al to be thinking about something like that just as he was. Typical Brother. He always wanted to carry the world by himself.

"Stupid brother," he muttered, tucking the photo away.

Leaning down, and forcing himself not to look at the pictures anymore, he squeezed them at the corner of the suitcase. Then afterwards, he could put his brother's extra set of clothes over them. The extra set of clothes, though his brother was no longer here to wear them, he was still reluctant to throw them away. Perhaps it was the only thing left in this world that he had of his brother.

He picked up the set of black and red clothes and tucked them inside the suitcase, over the stack of pictures that conjured sweetly painful memories. Suddenly, as the red coat slipped out of his metal fingers, another picture slipped out, seemingly from the coat pocket. Al hurriedly set down the clothes in the suitcase and turned to pick up the fallen picture. He gasped slightly. It was the missing one. It was the one of them at their first catch.

"Did…Brother always keep this?" he questioned aloud, staring absently at the smiling faces of their past.

"Hey, Al, look at this big one!"

"Oh, wow, Brother, you're so good! Can you teach me?"

"Haha, no can do, Al, you gotta learn on your own,"

"How? It's so hard."

"No, it's not. Look, all you gotta do is relax and let the flow of the river take you."

"Huh?"

"It's like alchemy, Al. You just gotta adjust and fit with the flow."

"I-I'll try,"

Putting a hand to his face of metal as if he could wipe an unseen tear, he quickly tucked the picture back inside the pocket of the red coat again. Then, with haste, he snapped shut the suitcase, sealing away the tearful memories for the moment in time. Standing up and picking up the suitcase, Al turned towards the opened window one more time, then slowly walked through the door to exit the room. Suddenly, and unexpectedly, he came face to face with Lieutenant Havoc.

"L-Lieutenant?" he stuttered.

"Hey, there, Al," Havoc said, as if his cheerful mask could cover away that he had been waiting there for the entire night, "How are you this morning, kid?"

"I—" Al began.

"I'm sorry about what happened," Havoc said, though he had said it before. But now, his lame mind still couldn't find what else to say.

"Everybody's sorry," Al said indifferently.

"Yeah," Havoc scratched his hair, "Sorry. I really don't know what to say."

"Have you been here all night?" Al asked.

"Yeah," Havoc said straight out without hesitation, "Colonel asked me to. But to tell the truth, I was worried about you, too."

"No need to," Al shook his head, "I'm OK."

"Hey," Havoc said, "The fact that you're an Elric means you must have that side of your brother. That side that always refuses others' help. So we gotta always look out for you from now, you know."

"Thanks a lot, but…"

"No but," Havoc said, his eyes averting to the suitcase, "Going somewhere?"

At this, Al nearly broke down and cried again. Perhaps he had. And he was thankful for the fact that he could not cry real tears.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," Havoc said quickly.

"No," Al shook his head, "I have to, anyways. And I'll also let Colonel Mustang and Lieutenant Hawkeye know."

"They're already in their office," Havoc said, "I bet you out of all people would be welcomed right now."

"Thanks, Lieutenant Havoc," Al nodded in a short bow as he started down the hallway towards the Colonel's office.

The wooden door creaked slightly, and immediately, Roy Mustang and Riza Hawkeye looked up from what they were doing. Strangely, Mustang immediately abandoned his paperwork and sat with his fingers folded, as if waiting for Al to come all the way in.

"H-Hello, Colonel," Al said nervously, unsure of the sudden attention.

"You're planning to travel again, are you not?" Mustang asked, his tone quick and calm, as if he had planned to ask Al this before he came.

"Well, that was short and quick," Al said, embarrassed, "Saved me some explaining."

"I'm afraid not," Mustang said, standing up, "It didn't."

"Alphonse," Hawkeye began, "You are going to have to tell us how you're planning to travel again alone like this."

"I really have no choice," Al shook his head.

"You really love your brother, don't you?" Mustang said lamely, and Al didn't answer. It was not even a subject to discuss in the first place. There was only, and always will be, one and one answer only.

"Yes, I do," Al muttered under his breath as last, "He will do anything for me, and now it's my turn. I'm not giving up. At least, I won't sit still and continue living without him. I have to at least try to get him back."

"Need I not remind you of you guys' first failure?" Mustang said.

Al nearly wanted to grit his teeth had he had them. Already, he could feel his brother's blood boil in him. Inwardly, he smiled. Maybe he and his brother were so close they were really connected at heart. He had always thought it was always some lame saying to make a person feel better when the person loses someone dear. But now, Al was only beginning to understand the other side of it.

"You're an Elric," Mustang continued, "And I'm not going to stop you 'cuz there's no way how. But at least, Al, tell me how you're going to do this all alone?"

"Are you going to tell me that I am not all alone?" Al asked.

"Is it an obviously thing?" Hawkeye said gently, her tone greatly contrasted that of Mustang's.

"Both you and Ed never were alone," Mustang said sternly, "And since your brother was foolish enough to take actions by himself all the time, I'd hate to see you end up with the same fate just because you refuse help like your brother did."

The room fell silent, as if someone had thrown a drape of quietude upon them. Hawkeye looked nervously at Al, then at Mustang, as if she wanted to speak something.

"I should be leaving, sir," Al bowed slightly, then proceeded quickly for the door.

"W-Wait!" Hawkeye responded immediately. She quickly caught hold of his metal arm.

"I'm sorry, Lieutenant," Al said, "But I have to leave now…or I'll miss the train to Moonette."

"Wait, Alphonse, please," Hawkeye said, eyeing Mustang dangerously, "I believe the Colonel has something to rephrase to you."

Mustang cocked an eyebrow at her, as if asking if she was serious. After receiving another glare, he sighed and stepped toward Al.

"Look, Alphonse," he began, "I didn't mean it that way. Of course I feel bad for what happened to you. In fact, I know you won't believe me, but I've always tried to look after your brother when he was alive."

"I believe you, Colonel," Al said without hesitation, "And I think Brother knew it, too."

"It was never like him to accept help, wasn't it?" Mustang grinned crookedly.

"What's done is done," Al said, shaking his head, "Talking about him won't bring him back, Colonel."

"I know," Mustang said, "I know, but I'll admit it. I feel responsible for your Brother's death, Alphonse. And I blame myself because I wasn't able to help him even though he didn't want it. So now…"

"Now he wants to protect you, Alphonse," Hawkeye said, saving him from the awkward speech, "He doesn't want to see another Elric slip away before his eyes when there was something he could do."

Once more, silence draped the air. And once more, Mustang thought Al was going to walk out on him again.

"I believe you, Colonel," Al spoke at last, though his voice was void of the confidence and belief that it should have.

"I know you'll do anything for him, Alphonse," Mustang spoke after a short second, "But I ask of you, let us in of what you're planning, too, so we may know of how to help you."

"I don't know what to say, Colonel…" Al responded meekly, "…Lieutenant."

"Don't worry about that," Hawkeye smiled warmly, then looked over at Mustang, "So…Moonette, eh?"

"It's quite far from here," Mustang commented, "A train ride would have to take roughly a week. And you have to switch train at least three times."

"It's OK," Al shook his head, "I know what I'm doing."

"Of course you do," Hawkeye said, "We don't doubt you. We just like to help. Do you want any of us, Falman, Havoc, Fuery, anbody, to accompany you?"

"I really do hate to turn down your kind offer, Lieutenant," Al said, "But I have to. I can't drag anybody in this anymore. I've chosen to do this for Brother. And for once, I want to prove that I myself can do something for Brother, after all he'd done for me."

"Well, tell me," Mustang said, "What's in Moonette?"

"It's a start," Al explained, "Since I've heard countless rumors about the high interest of forbidden alchemy over there."

"High interest?" Hawkeye asked.

"Forbidden?" Mustang frowned.

"You know," Al said, "The kind that goes against the flow of nature. Those who attempt it will always be punished."

"I know what it is," Mustang said, "What puzzles me is why you're still seeking that after what happened."

"I'm not," Al said quietly, "I'm just going to se the viewpoints of those who want to try. I'm going to see how much loss they had to go through to drive them to do so."

"How would understanding that help?" Hawkeye asked.

"It doesn't," Al said, "But it will make me see clearer, perhaps, that human transmutation goes against all that we believe in, and if I was to try it, Brother would have every right to hate me."

"See clearer?" Hawkeye asked, "So you're actually considering human transmutation?"

"Y-Yes," Al said, almost shamefully, "I know that it's coming out of my mouth that I won't do it, but in my mind, it's a still a hazy fog about why I should not."

"You do remember what happened to you two," Mustang said.

"I do!" Al responded with frustration, "I do. I-I just can't remember the pain anymore, I guess. I'm wondering to myself now that if the pain I had gone through years ago was worth it again, if I can see Brother again."

"Alphonse," Hawkeye began.

"Don't worry," he shook his head, "I won't do it. My heart is wondering why, but my right mind knows what's wrong and what's not. Don't worry."

"But…" Hawkeye protested.

"Let him go, Riza," Mustang said, and Hawkeye turned slightly with surprise at the use of her first name, "He's a smart boy."

Hawkeye looked at him, then at Al again with uncertainty. The, she bit her lower lip and nodded.

"After all," Mustang added, "He's an Elric."

"Right," Hawkeye nodded, then looked at Al again, "You should be on your way, Alphonse."

"Yeah," Mustang said, "We'll trust you to go alone. But whenever you need, I'll be a snap away."

"And I'll be a gunshot away," she jumped in.

"Y-Yes," Al said politely. And quickly, he turned to leave, as if staying behind further will damage his already firm decision to depart.

By the time he reached the gate of the Headquarters, something from within him was beginning to feel heavy.

Returnable memories…they're beginning to hurt.

-

"Brother, when I was born, was I small and soft like that?"

"What are you talking about? Of course you were!"

-

"I'm sorry, Al, do you hate me for what happened?"

"Brother…I could-I could never hate you!"

-

"Is he with you, too?"

"No, he's just someone I met on the train, he has nothing to do with me!"

-

"Al, your cold metal feel just like an ice pack,"

"I'm glad I could be of some comfort to you, Brother, even in this body,"

-

"Brother, where are you going?"

"I'm going to fight them all, Al, so you don't have to do anything anymore,"

"How about I use alchemy to help you?"

"NO! I mean…we don't know what can happen, and I-I don't want to take that risk."

-

As the memories washed over him again like a waterfall, his hand gripped tighter onto the suitcase, and raised his head towards the sky, as high as he could, as if wanting to touch the tranquility of the heaven above.

He was going to journey again for the answer, the answer to this unfairness that he was drowned in.

Brother, this is for you…