Chapter Summary: Martouf and Lantash read Sam's note and begin to try to come to terms with her departure…and why she departed in the first place. However, understanding and accepting are two different things. However, the letter points them to Daniel, saying that he would be able to figure it out if they could not. Daniel does have an idea of where she might have gone, but he believes that Martouf and Lantash need to be able to figure that out for themselves. They make plans that they hope will help them to do so as they put their faith and hope in Daniel and his insight and abilities.
"Italics" - Symbiote-Host communications
Breathing Space
Chapter Two
I am Sorry
Lantash sat looking at the folded piece of paper in his hand wondering what he would find in it. Did she no longer love them? Was this a letter of good-bye? No, his Samantha was not a coward; if she no longer loved them, she would tell them to their face, not on a piece of paper. Besides, she did love them, they knew this in the deepest part of their hearts, and this letter would say nothing of lost love; However, hopefully, it would explain her motives and reasons behind her departure.
"I am sure you are correct, Lantash. Samantha loves us. We know that. We must not allow our imagination to hold sway. Open the letter, and let us read it, dear one," Martouf urged gently.
He felt Lantash sigh, before he answered, softly, "I know you are correct. I know she loves us. I know I must open and read it to see if she has told us where she is." His hands shaking slightly, he moaned as the emotional pain hit him again, before telling Martouf, "However, never have I found something that appears so simple in thought, to be so difficult to do in reality. Nonetheless, no matter how hard I find it to be, I will do so now," he finished firmly, as he slowly unfolded the letter and began to read.
My dearest loves,
First and foremost, I must tell you that I love both of you just as much as, if not more than, I always have. The second thing I must tell the two of you is that I am so sorry. Those are the things I wish you both to know above all else. I love you both and I am sorry.
I know that by the time you get this letter, I will be wondering what possessed me to do what I have done. Except, right now, at this moment, as I am writing this, I know exactly why I am taking these steps, and that is what I have to try to explain to you.
Please do not think this is your fault, or Janet's, or Daniel's, or Jack's, or anyone else you can think of that might have caused it. The fault, if there is fault, is mine.
For some reason, I seem to have lost my ability to make people understand what I mean or want. I no longer seem to have the capability to speak clearly or plainly enough that people can hear me and know that I mean what I am saying. People no longer believe that I still a have a mind, and that I know what I want and/or need. I think it is my fault that I can no longer make people hear me. I am sure it has something to do with the hormones raging through my body, as that is what everyone keeps assuring me, that are causing all kinds of odd things that are happening to me. If food cravings, crying jags, and nausea can be hormonal, then I am sure my sudden inabilities to communicate my needs are, too.
I am sorry. I am well aware that the above paragraph is ridiculous. Unfortunately, for us, I have been feeling that way. Not just today, or yesterday, but for weeks and weeks, now. It is as if I no longer exist. My body exists. Everyone is very cognizant of that fact. No, there is no doubt, whatsoever, that my body is real and present. If fact, it is pregnant and carrying a very, very, special child. A miracle child. And I am really, really, glad. I want this baby. I want another one after it is born. I want to be cuddled when I cry and comforted when I am sick. I want my body to be cared for and the precious cargo it is carrying to be fine and healthy.
What I do not want is for Sam Carter to disappear and become invisible. I do not want people to become suddenly deaf when I tell them what I need or want. I do not want this miracle baby to become a scientific oddity to be studied, prodded, and poked either before, or after, it is born. I do not want my opinions, my thoughts, my feelings, and my needs to become suddenly unimportant, irrelevant, irrational, insignificant, immaterial, trivial, or just plain wrong, for the simple reason that I am pregnant. Being pregnant, no matter what anyone believes to the contrary, does not equal stupid, silly, incompetent, incapable, inept, foolish, or inefficient.
I am so sorry. I tried, I really, truly tried to tell you, but I could not break out of the mold into which I have been placed. I tried and tried to explain to Janet, to Daniel, even to Jack and the General. But, no one could hear me. Or, if they did, they wrote it off to my hormones.
So, I am sorry. I did not want it to come to this. I did not want to leave you. God, I miss you both so much, already.
I need you, Lantash. I know you have control while you are reading this, because Martouf is so angry at me he would hurt himself, or destroy something, if you gave him control. I know you are giving him counsel, love, and support. I know and trust you to care for him and give him your strength of will. You will be in such pain, Lantash, because of me, and I am so sorry. The last thing in the world I wanted to do was to cause you this kind of pain. Just thinking about the amount of pain that I must be causing you is hurting me so much that it is making me feel ill. You cannot possibly know how very much I love you, for I do not have the words to express its depth. I hope you can eventually forgive me for inflicting so much pain on you. I did not want this for you, for us. I love, need, and want you always, Lantash. You are my universe.
I need you, Martouf. I know you are looking over Lantash's shoulder, reading this with him, and holding him, comforting him, perhaps kissing and caressing him to help him to cope. Even though you are extremely angry, I know you are caring for him. You are assuring him the two of you will find me, and I pray you will because I don't think I can stand to be gone from you for long. It has already been too long, and I have not even left the mountain or walked through the Stargate. I will tell you the same things I told Lantash. I never wanted to hurt you, to cause you so much pain, or make you so angry. I know how you despise becoming furious and all I can offer is an apology. I am sorry. It seems inadequate. I hope that you, too, will someday be able to bring yourself to forgive me and, perhaps, understand why I had to leave. I love, need, and want you always, Martouf. You are my world.
I wish I was less independent, less decisive, and more what you need me to be. I do realize that my inability to accept being taken care of so completely is, at least partially, at the bottom of this. If I could just relax and accept it, as the General suggested, it would not be a problem. But I do not seem to be able to do that, and while that may be a flaw in me, evidently it is one I cannot overcome. I did try; I really did. You have no idea how upset I am at myself because I failed in my attempt to change for you. I hope I haven't upset you so much you won't come for me. I really need you both so much, even now. I guess in some ways, perhaps you are correct and I am not thinking clearly; I feel that I have to leave, and yet, I also want you to come for me as soon as possible, because I want, I need, to be with you, near you. It is tearing me apart inside.
But in the end, that does not really matter at all. Regardless of my need of you, please, do not come for me until you can hear me and see me, because as much as I cannot stand to live without you in my life; I cannot stand to live with you without me in your life. I know you think you have no clue as to where I am, but once you begin to believe me and understand, then you will be able to find me. If all else fails, ask Daniel. No, I did not tell him that I was making plans to leave, so he cannot know where I was going, but he is very astute. Trust him, Lantash. Believe in him, Martouf. Daniel can help you if you will only allow him to.
Remember that I do love you both very, very much. Please try to understand. And come to me, my loves. Soon. I am waiting for you.
Your Samantha.
P.S. Please don't be angry anymore. I am really sorry, and by now I am crying myself to sleep every night, missing you. Hurry. S.C.
They read the letter through a second and third time before Martouf sighed, and said, "So you were correct, Lantash. It is our fault she has left us," Martouf sounded bewildered, hurt, and confused as he commented on the letter's contents. "Did we truly treat her as if she did not exist? Surely, we did not. We made love to her the morning we left on our mission. Very passionately. In fact, she…" Martouf stopped speaking, and Lantash knew that he, too, had realized why Samantha had loved them so very lovingly and passionately that morning. She had known she would be gone when they returned.
"She is not telling us we did not see her physical body, Martouf. You are refusing to see the truth. I can feel you retreating from the real meanings in this letter. At no point did she say we did not love her, or not desire her. Our physical desire was probably the only thing that allowed her to remain with us as long as she did. Had we insisted that stop, too, then no doubt she would have left before now. You must be honest with yourself. And we both must admit the truth. By not attending to her needs, rather than our own, we have forced her to run from us before we smothered her, and her love of us, to death," Lantash stated bluntly.
Martouf sighed, and Lantash could feel the waves of remorse that flowed through him, as he began to accept, at least temporarily, the words Samantha had written. "Are you saying that she no longer loves us, Lantash? She says she loves us in the letter. Do you believe she was not telling us the truth?" Martouf asked, apprehension again coloring his voice, but this time it was a different kind of nightmare. He could not bear to lose their Samantha's love, and as Lantash's words slowly sank in, he realized what could, and indeed might already have, happened.
"No, I am not saying that she no longer loves us. What I am saying is that she left us so that her love would remain. Our actions could have caused her to become so resentful of us that it killed her love for us. Thank the Universe that she had enough sense to see that it could happen and decided to do something about it before that came to pass, before her resentment turned her emotions against us. You know as well as I do that it could have happened, if she had not taken action, and talking to us obviously was not working. She probably felt it was the only way left open to her to save our bonding, our relationship. No doubt she was afraid of what would happen, if things did not change," Lantash replied, all the bitterness, guilt, and shame he was feeling coming through in his tone. Unfortunately, he also realized that below all of those emotions…the fear remained.
"You are right, of course, but I am sorry, Lantash, I cannot yet be thankful that she did this to save our relationship. I will be thankful when she is home, in our arms, and loving us. I am afraid there is still to much anger and fear within me to be thankful, or appreciate, what she has done. Would it not have been better if she had simply become angry and yelled at us to stop what we were doing?" Martouf wanted to know, his distress once again making inroads, as he thought of all the things that could have happened to the woman they loved so much.
"Tell me, Martouf, would we have listened if she had become angry and upset over any of this? What if she had become so upset she cried? Or so angry that she cried? What if she had become angry, thrown things, yelled, and screamed at us? How would we have reacted?" Lantash demanded, his voice hard.
"I – I do not really know, Lantash. Perhaps, we would have listened more carefully to what she was saying. Perhaps, we would have tried harder to see that she was given what she needed," Martouf replied, but it was obvious that he was doubtful.
Lantash snorted at his answer. "We would have let her rant, rave, scream, and cry. We would have promised her that things would change; we would have taken her into our arms and loved her physically, while we completely ignored her emotional needs. We would have done nothing different from what we have already done. We would have warned people to be less obvious for a day or so, to be more discreet in their monitoring of her. We would have blamed her hormones for her emotional outburst and ignored it, just as we have ignored every request she has made. At least, I know that I would have. I have done it over and over, and I have no reason to believe that I would react any differently to an angry Samantha than I would at any other time," was his implacable answer. Lantash was brutally honest about what his own response would have been.
Martouf was quiet for a moment, before saying softly, "Stop blaming yourself, Lantash. We agreed on our actions, all of them. I, too, refused to let her go to the Tok'Ra and made sure that she was never alone or lonely. In fact, I am the one that talked to the people in the cafeteria about being sure she ate well-balanced meals. You are no more to blame than I am. If there is blame to be laid, then it must be laid on both of us equally."
Feeling the bleakness of despair begin to overtake Lantash again, Martouf continued, "I believe we must take this letter to the others, Lantash. There is nothing in it so private that it would be inappropriate for them to see it."
After pausing for a moment, still feeling the dark emotions trying to overtake them, and receiving no answer, he said, "Lantash, you must not allow your desolation to take over, for I depend on you to help me, and you must see to it that I do not allow my feelings to overwhelm us either, for you depend on me. We must comfort and help each other, Lantash, please. I love you. Do not abandon me."
Realizing what he was doing, Lantash responded by forcing himself to push the bleak, black, emotional abyss that he was staring into, away, "I am sorry. You are correct, of course, and we do depend on one another. Thank you. And I agree about showing it to the others. Samantha says that if we cannot figure out where she has gone to ask Daniel. More than that, she counsels us to trust and believe in him and his abilities. Even so, putting that aside, I see no point in a futile search for her. I have no idea where she might have gone and, if Daniel might know then, we should ask him first. Perhaps later, I will be able to think more clearly and so shall you, but at the moment neither of us is capable of sensible thought. Therefore, we will turn to our…friends. They have become our friends, and they will help us, if we ask. So, that is what we will do." Having come to a decision, he stood and started walking toward the door.
Feeling the determination enter Lantash, Martouf gave a sigh of relief. He then embraced his symbiote. He would be more careful of the emotions he released. Lantash needed him in this crisis and he needed Lantash. They would go and see the others, and then they would begin their search for Samantha hoping all the while that wherever she had chosen to go, she was safe. She had to be safe. No other thought was acceptable.
Lantash and Martouf walked back towards the General's office, where they learned that Samantha was gone from them. No doubt, the group would have dispersed by now and would have to be recalled to read the letter.
"I am sure they will not mind being recalled, Lantash," Martouf said softly. "They all care very much for Samantha. It is their caring and ours that has brought this about." He paused for a moment, before asking, "Lantash, did Samantha not realize that we were only concerned because we love her? That everything everyone has done was only done for love of her? Why is she rejecting our love in this way?"
Lantash sighed, saying, "She is not rejecting our love of her. She is rejecting being smothered. Yes, what was done, was done out of love for her, but put yourself in her place. How would you feel?"
Martouf was quiet for a moment, "You mean how would I feel if she never let us out of her sight and insisted that we always had someone with us? If she insisted, we ate certain things and slept when she told us to? If she insisted we did not really know what we wanted, and that she knew what we wanted better than we did? And any other of the things we did because we love her?" He paused, frowning as he actually listened to what he had said and truly considered how he would feel. "I would hate it."
"Yes. So would I," Lantash agreed. "It is too bad we did not put ourselves in her place before now and thus realize it sooner," he replied morosely, as he raised his hand and knocked on the General's office door. It had taken them some time to become used to living among private rooms, but now that they were used to it, they had to admit they were nice to have. No wonder Jacob hated the openness of the tunnels.
Hearing the general's voice tell them to enter, he opened the door and was surprised to see the same group of people still seated around the room. He looked at them blankly, unable to understand why they were all still there.
The General cleared his throat, and said quietly, "We thought you might be back after you had some time to read the letter and be alone for a while. Do you know where she has gone, son?"
Martouf knew at once that General Hammond was upset. He only called them son during times of extreme emotional distress. His or theirs, he knew. This time he was sure it was both.
Realizing that Martouf now had his emotions under a very tight control, Lantash released to him as he approached General Hammond. While they had all become somewhat used to Lantash and his rather dry wit, his sometimes acerbic ways, and often stoic manner, they still usually appeared more comfortable with Martouf. Whether they were simply startled by the glowing eyes, or were just not yet sure how to take his statements, it was simpler and more comfortable for everyone involved, to let them deal with Martouf. Thank the universe that Samantha was not uncomfortable with him. In fact, she seemed to revel in being with him, and it was a balm to him at times, here amongst the Tau'ri. Martouf was aware of it, also, and he often made sure that Lantash spent time in control when they were with Samantha. Possibly more time than he would ordinarily be in control.
Martouf handed the letter to the General who looked at him with raised brows. "There is nothing there of an intimate or extremely private nature, General Hammond. The more private statements that she made are already well known by everyone here today, so I see no reason not to share it. Other than the…more personal statements, it simply explains why she left as she did," Martouf said quietly, before turning and taking a seat. He sat quietly staring at the wall as the General finished the letter. "Please pass it on to the others, and I would prefer Daniel had it last, as he is the one she pointed us to for information, help, and," he paused briefly before adding, "and support."
The General nodded and handed the letter off, while Daniel looked startled. "Why me? I mean, of course I will help you and give you all of the support I can," he assured them first before adding, "but, well, I don't know anything more than anyone else knows."
"She was very clear that she told you nothing about her plans, Daniel, but she said that if we could not figure out where she was to ask you. She said that you were very astute and that we should trust you, which we do. Neither Lantash nor I see any point in playing a guessing game and looking all over the universe, if you will be able to figure out where she has gone. The sooner we find her the sooner..." He stopped talking as he realized he had almost said; the sooner they would bring her back. Had he learned nothing? Taking a deep breath, he concluded his statement, saying, "the sooner we can take her home to the Tok'Ra Tunnels, where she has been asking us to take her now for weeks. Once I find her, this time, I will listen to what she is saying," he stated grimly.
"Do not take the blame completely on yourself, Martouf. We were all guilty of not listening to her. As she stated, she even tried to talk to me. I told her to relax and enjoy being coddled," General Hammond sighed. Shaking his head he continued, "All of us were blind and deaf to what she was saying. Sam Carter is a brilliant, dedicated, and decisive woman. We all should have known she meant what she was saying and that she knew her own mind. We screwed up, and I just hope that nothing happens to her. We need to get her back safe and sound, and whether that is here, or in the Tunnels, is irrelevant."
Lantash came to the fore to accept the blame, asserting, "I agree up to a point, General, however, the truth is that, in the end, the blame lies squarely on my shoulders. She has told me these same things repeatedly, and I have failed to hear her each time. Oh, I paid lip service to what she asked of me. I would ask Janet not to run any more tests for a few days. I would have her assistant make herself scarce for a day or so as long as we were on base and could be in her lab with her instead. I agreed to assign Nyan to her, even knowing she was feeling crowded by what we were doing."
"And I am the one who refused to consider her request each time she asked to return to the Tunnels. I even refused to take her for a visit or allow her to go there without me so that she could see Tashmar and visit with her friends. Looking back, I can see that if I had just let her go, even if only for a few days, it probably would have relieved many of her feelings of being smothered. But I did not, and now Martouf and I shall pay the price for my blindness and stubbornness," Lantash's voice was bleak with pain and regret by the time he finished speaking.
"It is not all your fault, Lantash. I am equally to blame. I could have stopped this, too. I would have refused to take her to the tunnels, so even that is not simply your decision." Martouf assured him.
"Thank you, Martouf, but I know what I have done."
"We decided she should not go through the gate, Lantash. We don't know what affect it will have on the baby. I am concerned that…"
Lantash interrupted her, knowing what she was going to say, and realizing that there was no point in allowing her to do so. "Please excuse me, Janet; however, while you did not want Samantha to go through the gate, I went along with you only because it was easier. Women have been traveling though the gate while they were with child for millennia with no adverse affects. I realize your race has not done so, but many peoples all over the universe have used it with no ill effects. I should not have agreed, knowing there was no danger, but it seemed easier not to argue the point. It was my mistake; I take full responsibility for it. We should not have tried to confine her in such a way. It was wrong of us."
Janet stared at him as his words sank in and then she nodded abruptly. "You are probably right, but I have no data to base an opinion on. I could not, in good conscience allow her to go."
"That is very true, but I could have with no qualms at all. I did not, so as I pointed out, the blame is mine."
Janet sighed, at last admitting, "No, it is also mine. I should have listened to you. You have seen two thousand years of gate travel. You would know if it was a problem. I just did not want her away from me and my medical care. I am sorry."
"You were doing what you perceived as your job. I should have overruled you, and I did not. It matters not at this point. Needless to say, when we get her back, I will not try to stop her."
Noticing that Daniel had finished reading the letter and laid it aside, a frown on his face, Martouf came fore to ask, "Do you know where she is, Daniel?"
"What? Oh, um, no, I, um, I have no idea," Daniel said quickly. "Listen; there is not anything I can do here to help you. I will give it some more thought, and it may come to me. I may want to talk to you and Lantash later though. I just want to let it kind of soak in first," he stated. Standing abruptly, he said, "I will talk to you all later," before, to everyone's astonishment, he hurriedly left the room.
There was a stunned silence in the room he left, before Jack said, "What is eating Daniel?"
No one answered. They all appeared puzzled by his behavior until Lantash came fore to say, "I would surmise that Daniel believes he knows where she has gone, but is not yet sure enough to tell us. I would also speculate that he is unsure of whether he wants to tells us, meaning Martouf and myself, for the most part, but probably all of us to some extent, once he is sure."
"Why wouldn't Daniel want to tell us, or you?" Janet asked.
"Because he read one line several times from what I could tell. I would guess it is the line that states that she would prefer we did not come to find her; at least, not until we are sure we can hear her. Daniel is not sure that any of us, perhaps including him, can hear her yet. We are all in shock right now. However, once that shock wears off, if she were here, would we revert to treating her as before? That, I believe, is what he is pondering," Lantash answered quietly. "I can only hope he figures out the answer soon and that it is in our favor, for I am not sure how long Martouf and I can stand not knowing if she is alright."
Janet looked at them for a moment and realized how very tense Martouf's body was. Both of them were barely holding on, and it would take very little to push one or both of them over the edge. "Lantash, do you believe that if you knew where she was that you and Martouf could leave her there? I mean, not go after her? Would it ease you to know that much even if you did not go after her right away?" She asked, as she watched them carefully.
"It would certainly help somewhat, Janet. I do not know how long I could keep from going after her, though. So, if you are asking me if I could contain myself, if Daniel told us where he believes she is, then the only truthful answer I can give you is that I do not know, but I would certainly try not to go after her immediately. I believe it would relieve some of the fear I am feeling for her safety if I knew that, wherever she went, she would be cared for and safe."
"Sooo, if Daniel knows, or is fairly sure he knows, and he tells you that she is someplace safe, it would help some?"
Lantash sighed deeply and closed his eyes. Dear Universe, could he leave it at that for a while? Could he stand not knowing exactly where she was? Yes. It would not set his mind and heart completely at peace, but it would make him feel somewhat better. "I believe that it would help for a short time. I do not know how long I would be able to go before having to know where she was, but if I was fairly certain that she was all right, then I think I could live with it for a few days," he answered her. "I cannot answer for Martouf, however, and he is still considering your question."
Martouf came forward and looked at her for a long moment, before saying, "Truthfully, I do not know; however, since Lantash could stop me from doing anything foolish, I could promise that I would not do anything that he would not."
He smiled wryly, then added, "One of the more pleasant aspect of the symbiote being able to take control of the host's body is that they can sometimes keep us from doing truly foolish things that would help no one, but that could potentially harm a great deal. I realize none of you finds that acceptable, but it is something that we learn to understand and appreciate. Just as Lantash suppressed me earlier, for had he not, there is no doubt that we would be under arrest, and perhaps owe you for some broken furniture. He was not lying to you when he told you that I tend to break things when I am in a rage. It is the reason I attempt to never allow myself to become that angry, but this caught me off guard, and I was very upset."
He sighed then, saying, "However, I do not believe in hitting women or those who could not fight back, so do not think I would ever take my anger out on Samantha. I do not believe in that, and I would never do so, regardless how angry I was. I tend to take it out on inanimate objects, unless, of course, it is a Goa'uld in which case I am more than happy to let my anger have its way," He reassured them, realizing what they could be thinking.
Janet nodded in understanding, but her answer, if she had one, was never spoken, as Daniel made his presence known. He stood in the open doorway, his head bowed, and his hands in his pockets.
"Lantash? Could I talk to you and Martouf? Maybe after you are finished here, if you would come to my office? I would like to ask you some questions about things Sam may have said to you. She may even have told you where she was going, just not in so many words."
"We can come at any time, Daniel. I do not believe there is anything else we can do here. We have all read the letter, and we all know why Samantha left. What none of us, except perhaps you, know, is where she has gone," Lantash answered him at once.
"Well, I think you do know where she has gone; I believe you just are not thinking clearly. Be sure you bring the letter when you come. I will make a pot of coffee," he stated quietly, before turning and leaving again.
Lantash and Martouf stood. It seemed that Daniel had at least decided to talk to them about it. Perhaps they would soon have some hope, or, if nothing else, some easing of their worry.
He turned to the people in the room before following Daniel, saying, "Martouf and I would like to thank you all for," he paused not sure how to say what he was feeling, but he forced himself to continue, "we would like to thank you all for standing our friends. Your support is very much appreciated, and we know that you all care very much for Samantha. You are as worried as we are; we realize that. You cannot blame us anymore than we blame ourselves, and the fact that you are being supportive, instead of reviling us, has gone neither unnoticed nor unappreciated."
Although he had said almost nothing before, Jack suddenly spoke up, commenting, "Carter loves both of you. If we have learned nothing else in the past few months, and I am not saying we haven't, we have learned that. You are part of our team. We take care of our own. We will find her. Daniel is damn smart when you give him a puzzle. He will figure it out, and he won't be able to watch you suffer, so I doubt if he will let you go long without telling you once he figures it out."
"Indeed, Lantash, I concur. Daniel Jackson is a very intelligent man, and he is very good at seeing things that others do not. I fully agree with O'Neill. We will find Major Carter. She would not have gone anywhere unsafe. I think we should all remember that she, too, is in fact, an exceptionally intelligent person, and that she wants this child very much. She would not take chances with its life or her own. Wherever she has gone, it is a safe place."
Lantash nodded, as he thought of what both men had said. They were right. Samantha was intelligent, and she wanted this child very much. She would never deliberately do anything to put it into jeopardy. "You are both correct, and I do not know why we did not think of it ourselves. Samantha is somewhere safe. She would never consider putting our child in danger because she was upset with us. Your comments alone have helped a great deal for they aided us in reining in our runaway imaginations. Thank you." Lantash said quietly.
"You're welcome. Go see what Daniel has to say. My bet is that he thinks he knows, but he needs some more info to be absolutely sure. We will see you later this evening. Now get outta here," Jack advised, somewhat gruffly.
Smiling slightly, for the first time since they had come back from their last mission, Lantash nodded and headed for Daniel's office. They were right, and Daniel probably held the key. He just hoped he would allow him to take it and unlock the door.
TBC