*YAAAAH!!! Sorry about the long wait between chapters. My life's been
insane, but I think it's going to be a little less insane once I finish
this up with some projects.
Thanks to everyone who responded to my request for a beta! I appreciate the responses a lot! As much as I would like to have anyone who expressed interest get the job, that would be really confusing, so I had to pick Mirandabelle. So, special thanks goes to her for doing this for me, and another thank you goes to anyone who wanted the job!
Get well wishes goes to the one and only Alan Alda, without whom M*A*S*H; the reason we are all assembled here today; might not have been as great (it still would have been good, though) who had to get an emergency appendectomy a few weeks ago. And without further ado. . .*
Mill Valley, California Saturday, April 23, 1956 9:00 AM
"It's gotta be in here somewhere. . . " mumbled BJ, flipping through the phone book.
"Does the Army even have a phone number?" joked Hawkeye from where he was lying on the couch, in his old red robe, eating a banana.
"Your guess is as good as mine. . . " BJ muttered, then threw the phone book down onto a chair "Oh, this is hopeless! What would we say anyway? Hi, we're looking up a priest that was in the Army, but may or may not be in the Army anymore, and no one's seen in three years and quite possibly could be in Korea still, but we're not sure. How stupid does that sound?"
"Stupid." said Hawkeye, studying his banana intently.
BJ rolled his eyes, "Oh, you're no help! All you've done is lie on the couch and make sarcastic remarks while I do all the work to help find Father Mulcahy for your wedding!"
Hawkeye looked up at his friend then "Why should I knock myself out? You're working hard enough for the both of us."
BJ picked up a pillow from the chair and threw it at Hawkeye, which he promptly threw back, and then grew into a full-blown pillow fight. A clearing of the throat from the door stopped the impromptu fight, BJ holding Hawkeye by the bathrobe with his left hand and about to hit him with a pillow with the right, while Hawkeye was reaching down to get a pillow from the couch. Margaret was there. She snapped into 'Major Houlihan' mode automatically "All right, enough! Didn't you idiots think to call information to ask for the Army's number? One of you do that while the other cleans up this mess. When you get the number, call me, I'll be in the kitchen" she left the room leaving Hawkeye and BJ in bewilderment. The next thing they heard was some muttering from the kitchen, ending with 'pillow fight' and then laughter. Hawkeye and BJ laughed too.
Hawkeye started to clean up the pillows while BJ called information. Hawkeye had just finished when BJ said "Hold on one moment, please" over the phone. He covered up the speaker and told Hawkeye to get a piece of paper. Hawkeye returned with the paper and BJ wrote down a number that the person gave him.
He hung up the phone. "Oh Margaret. . . " he sang and Margaret appeared, Peg right behind her. "Let's hope you still have those ties to the Army"
"God knows I don't. . .muttered Hawkeye
"Jealous?" Margaret said, eyes flashing happily. Margaret picked up the phone and dialed before Hawkeye could have the chance to say anything "It's ringing" mumbled Margaret "Hello.yes, General Clayton, please."
Hawkeye grabbed BJ's shoulder and winced at the name "Oh no, not Clayton! He was the one that made us do that stupid movie that Trapper and I turned into 'Yankee Doodle Doctor', I told you about that, didn't I Beej?"
Margaret waved her hand for silence "Hello. . . General Clayton, Margaret Houlihan. . . yes, Alvin's daughter. . . oh thank you, General, it was a tragic loss for us all. . . what, sir. . . yes, it is true, I did resign my commission. . . no. . . no. . . thank you. . . I don't want it back. . . yes, you told me at the time, since you were an. . . er. . . yes, a family friend you could pull some strings to get me back as a Major if I ever wanted back in, but I don't want to be in the Army. Civilian life is suiting me just fine, sir. Well, enough about me, I was wondering if you could do me a favor. . . what. . . no sir, not a sexual favor. . . yes, good joke, sir. . . I was wondering if you could help me in locating one of the soldiers from my old unit in the Korean War. . . yes, Father John Patrick Francis Mulcahy. . . rank Captain. . . yes, I'll hold. . . " Margaret covered the receiver.
"Sexual favor? He's a dirty old General, isn't he?" smirked Hawkeye. Margaret only had time to roll her eyes before General Clayton came back on the line
"What, sir? Yes. . . yes. . . yes . . . is that where he is now? All right, thank you General . . .excuse me, sir. . .oh I'm sorry, sir, I'm not in Washington DC, or plan on being there anytime soon, so I'm afraid we won't be able to. . . er. . . meet for lunch. . . yes. . . I know exactly what you mean" she said in a tired and uncomfortable voice "Well, I'm sorry, General, I have to be going. . . yes it was good to talk to you again too. . .thank you again, General. . . goodbye".
"So, what's up? Where is he?" BJ asked anxiously
"Well, we already knew Father Mulcahy had gone to the 8063rd like Charles and I did, but after that we didn't know. General Clayton said after that, he spent six months at Sister Theresa's orphanage. . . "
"Damn it! He didn't get treatment for the deafness!" interrupted BJ angrily.
Margaret smiled "Not so fast. Before he went to Sister Theresa's, he told the Army he was hard-of-hearing and a doctor at the hospital looked at him and got him a hearing aid!"
"I knew he had more common sense then to leave it untreated!" yelled BJ happily.
"Then what happened to him?" asked Hawkeye.
"Well after the war, the Koreans all got reimbursed by the Army for damages, Sister Theresa's included, so they didn't need Father Mulcahy to get them supplies anymore, so he left Korea and the Army for Philadelphia and he's been there ever since."
"Philadelphia!" said BJ in disbelief "He's been in Philadelphia for a year and no one knew!"
"Apparently so." said Margaret.
"Well, did the General give you an address or a telephone number or something?"
"Both." answered Margaret. BJ and Peg walked out of the living room.
Hawkeye and Margaret followed them, but Hawkeye stopped her before they left the living room and said very sarcastically "Boy, you have some obscene phone calls with General Clayton!" and left. Margaret left the room, too, rather puzzled.
She entered the kitchen and asked Hawkeye "What did you mean by that? Obscene phone call. One, singular, not plural. I haven't talked to Clayton in years".
Hawkeye smirked "Nothing, I was just remembering another obscene phone call you had with the General. At the 4077th. About dear, departed Captain Jonathan Tuttle".
Margaret grew sad "Oh. . . poor man. . . he was so generous. He gave thousands of dollars worth of back pay he had to Sister Theresa's orphanage. He died going out to save a dying man in the field" she told BJ and Peg "jumped out of the plane without his parachute. . . wait a minute. . . Hawkeye. . . how did you know about the phone call? The only two people present were Frank and I."
"Sometimes I doubt if he was even present in those days. . . " mused Hawkeye
"Don't avoid the subject, Pierce!" said Margaret in the nicer version of her Major Houlihan voice "how did you know about the phone conversation I had with General Clayton?"
Hawkeye smirked "Because you weren't talking to the General, darling. You were talking to me".
Margaret stared at him "What do you mean? You can't send a phone wire back to where you are. Besides Radar told me he had gotten to I-Corps. . ."
"You forget who Radar was allied with in those days, my dear. You see, Radar was the only one who knew the truth about Tuttle, besides for Trapper and me. He told me you were trying to call Clayton about Tuttle and of course, you couldn't do that so I decided to step in and tell you 'I', meaning General Clayton sent him. Radar called his friend at I-Corps, Sparky and told him he was going to make a phone call in a few minutes and to send it back to the 4077th. . . you see you can do that. . . "
"But why go to all that trouble just to stop General Clayton from talking to me about Tuttle?"
"Because General Clayton didn't send him to us. In fact no one did. I made him up."
Margaret looked shocked at this "Hawkeye Pierce! What an awful thing to say about a brave hero like Jonathan Tuttle! How dare you speak ill of the dead!" She glared.
Hawkeye smiled "But I did make Tuttle up, Margaret. You remember the reason you were calling Clayton was because you couldn't remember ever seeing him?"
"Yes, but then Frank remembered eating dinner with him! And Henry remembered having lunch with him!" Margaret sputtered
"But no one ate any meal with Tuttle!" laughed Hawkeye "Radar convinced Henry he had had lunch with him. And as for Frank, you know how his mind works. . . or how it doesn't work as the case may be. Anyway, Tuttle was my childhood imaginary friend when I was growing up. Whatever my parents accused me of doing I said Tuttle did, whether it was breaking a lamp or wetting the bed. So, when I joined the army, so did he. To make a long story short, Trapper and I were giving supplies to the orphans secretly and when Sister Theresa asked who was giving the supplies to them I said Captain Tuttle. Then she called Henry, you and Frank wanted to know who he was, so Trapper and I had to make a file on him and list his background and physical features. . . "
"Physical features!" interrupted Margaret "You mean. . . you and Trapper. . . made that up and. . . there. . . there was no one that looked like that!"
"Me mostly" Hawkeye laughed "and he was my imaginary friend, why couldn't I imagine him any way I wanted to?"
"What was so thrilling about Tuttle's physical features?" Peg asked with a grin
"I made him extremely good-looking" said Hawkeye "Auburn hair, green eyes, 6 feet tall.I did that because I knew it would arouse Margaret and it did!"
Margaret blushed and Hawkeye continued, looking slyly at his fiancee "Are you mad that there never was a Tuttle and I made his extremely attractive body up?"
"Margaret snorted "No of course not. The way I see it is life's too short to be mad at someone for a little joke if no one got hurt."
"If only you saw that when we first met" Hawkeye muttered in an undertone. Everyone laughed and Margaret tried to swat him, but he ducked and she missed.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" laughed Hawkeye, running from Margaret's hand.
Margaret gave up and said "I'm not mad you made up his physical features either. Why be sorry I don't have that extremely attractive man when I have one right here?"
Hawkeye smiled and kissed her. "OK before this gets even more mushy then it already is, let's finish the invitations" BJ interrupted, knowing how long a kiss between Hawkeye and Margaret could last if no one interrupted them.
Hawkeye pulled away from his bride-to-be "You really know how to spoil a mood, don't you, Hunnicut?" he joked
"Oh, Hawkeye, BJ's right, we have the rest of our lives to enjoy each other, but we only have one wedding and the plans won't finish by themselves" chided Margaret.
Hawkeye shook his head "Sensible Margaret. . . but of course, you're right as always. . . let's finish the invitations".
Margaret, Hawkeye, BJ and Peg went to the table. Margaret filled in the information in the original invitation. BJ and Hawkeye said they would go to the post office while Peg and Margaret would go to the flower shop.
************************************************************************
An hour later, Hawkeye Pierce and BJ Hunnicut pulled into the parking lot of the post office. Erin Hunnicut was seated in the backseat. She had chosen to go with them rather than with Margaret and Peg because she knew going to the post office instead of the flower shop would get her home faster to play with her dollhouse. She handed Hawkeye the invitations that they had picked up from the printers just a few minutes ago. They were still warm.
"There you go, Hawk, 50 invitations hot off the presses!" said BJ "This is your last chance to back out with your dignity intact".
Hawkeye smiled at the invitations like they had reminded him of something very pleasant, which, in fact, they did "No" he said softly "I'm not backing out. This feels like the most right thing I've ever done in my life."
"Good for you". BJ smiled.
"Can I put them in the mailbox, Hawkeye?" interrupted Erin.
Hawkeye turned around in his seat to face the 5-year-old "For my favorite flower girl, anything!" he smiled.
Erin smiled too and put out her hands for the invitations, but Hawkeye withdrew them "One thing first". He flipped through the pile of invitations until he found the one he was looking for. He pulled it out. It was on the immediate bottom. The last one that had been printed. He pulled the invitation out of the envelope and looked quickly over the words. He ran his forefinger lightly over the two places where it said 'Pierce'.
"Hawk! What the he. . . what are you doing?" yelled BJ "You just ruined a invitation!"
"Can you read those words I blotted out?" he shoved the invitation into his best friend's face.
"What. . . no. . . no I can't. . . but that's not the point, Hawk, you just smudged the words so no one can read it and. . . " BJ trailed off as Hawkeye showed him the envelope. It said 'Frank Burns & Family'. BJ understood immediately and his disapproving face grew into a grin that mirrored Hawkeye's. Erin on the other hand had no idea what they were smiling about and after what she had heard about their tricks, didn't want to know.
Still smiling, Hawkeye handed the invitations to Erin wordlessly to mail. She jumped out of the car and grabbed a long stick that she found on the ground on the way to the mailbox. She opened the little slot door and put all 50 invitations into the tray. Erin poked the invitations down the slide with the stick and watched as all 50 of them fell down the seemingly bottomless hole. . .
Thanks to everyone who responded to my request for a beta! I appreciate the responses a lot! As much as I would like to have anyone who expressed interest get the job, that would be really confusing, so I had to pick Mirandabelle. So, special thanks goes to her for doing this for me, and another thank you goes to anyone who wanted the job!
Get well wishes goes to the one and only Alan Alda, without whom M*A*S*H; the reason we are all assembled here today; might not have been as great (it still would have been good, though) who had to get an emergency appendectomy a few weeks ago. And without further ado. . .*
Mill Valley, California Saturday, April 23, 1956 9:00 AM
"It's gotta be in here somewhere. . . " mumbled BJ, flipping through the phone book.
"Does the Army even have a phone number?" joked Hawkeye from where he was lying on the couch, in his old red robe, eating a banana.
"Your guess is as good as mine. . . " BJ muttered, then threw the phone book down onto a chair "Oh, this is hopeless! What would we say anyway? Hi, we're looking up a priest that was in the Army, but may or may not be in the Army anymore, and no one's seen in three years and quite possibly could be in Korea still, but we're not sure. How stupid does that sound?"
"Stupid." said Hawkeye, studying his banana intently.
BJ rolled his eyes, "Oh, you're no help! All you've done is lie on the couch and make sarcastic remarks while I do all the work to help find Father Mulcahy for your wedding!"
Hawkeye looked up at his friend then "Why should I knock myself out? You're working hard enough for the both of us."
BJ picked up a pillow from the chair and threw it at Hawkeye, which he promptly threw back, and then grew into a full-blown pillow fight. A clearing of the throat from the door stopped the impromptu fight, BJ holding Hawkeye by the bathrobe with his left hand and about to hit him with a pillow with the right, while Hawkeye was reaching down to get a pillow from the couch. Margaret was there. She snapped into 'Major Houlihan' mode automatically "All right, enough! Didn't you idiots think to call information to ask for the Army's number? One of you do that while the other cleans up this mess. When you get the number, call me, I'll be in the kitchen" she left the room leaving Hawkeye and BJ in bewilderment. The next thing they heard was some muttering from the kitchen, ending with 'pillow fight' and then laughter. Hawkeye and BJ laughed too.
Hawkeye started to clean up the pillows while BJ called information. Hawkeye had just finished when BJ said "Hold on one moment, please" over the phone. He covered up the speaker and told Hawkeye to get a piece of paper. Hawkeye returned with the paper and BJ wrote down a number that the person gave him.
He hung up the phone. "Oh Margaret. . . " he sang and Margaret appeared, Peg right behind her. "Let's hope you still have those ties to the Army"
"God knows I don't. . .muttered Hawkeye
"Jealous?" Margaret said, eyes flashing happily. Margaret picked up the phone and dialed before Hawkeye could have the chance to say anything "It's ringing" mumbled Margaret "Hello.yes, General Clayton, please."
Hawkeye grabbed BJ's shoulder and winced at the name "Oh no, not Clayton! He was the one that made us do that stupid movie that Trapper and I turned into 'Yankee Doodle Doctor', I told you about that, didn't I Beej?"
Margaret waved her hand for silence "Hello. . . General Clayton, Margaret Houlihan. . . yes, Alvin's daughter. . . oh thank you, General, it was a tragic loss for us all. . . what, sir. . . yes, it is true, I did resign my commission. . . no. . . no. . . thank you. . . I don't want it back. . . yes, you told me at the time, since you were an. . . er. . . yes, a family friend you could pull some strings to get me back as a Major if I ever wanted back in, but I don't want to be in the Army. Civilian life is suiting me just fine, sir. Well, enough about me, I was wondering if you could do me a favor. . . what. . . no sir, not a sexual favor. . . yes, good joke, sir. . . I was wondering if you could help me in locating one of the soldiers from my old unit in the Korean War. . . yes, Father John Patrick Francis Mulcahy. . . rank Captain. . . yes, I'll hold. . . " Margaret covered the receiver.
"Sexual favor? He's a dirty old General, isn't he?" smirked Hawkeye. Margaret only had time to roll her eyes before General Clayton came back on the line
"What, sir? Yes. . . yes. . . yes . . . is that where he is now? All right, thank you General . . .excuse me, sir. . .oh I'm sorry, sir, I'm not in Washington DC, or plan on being there anytime soon, so I'm afraid we won't be able to. . . er. . . meet for lunch. . . yes. . . I know exactly what you mean" she said in a tired and uncomfortable voice "Well, I'm sorry, General, I have to be going. . . yes it was good to talk to you again too. . .thank you again, General. . . goodbye".
"So, what's up? Where is he?" BJ asked anxiously
"Well, we already knew Father Mulcahy had gone to the 8063rd like Charles and I did, but after that we didn't know. General Clayton said after that, he spent six months at Sister Theresa's orphanage. . . "
"Damn it! He didn't get treatment for the deafness!" interrupted BJ angrily.
Margaret smiled "Not so fast. Before he went to Sister Theresa's, he told the Army he was hard-of-hearing and a doctor at the hospital looked at him and got him a hearing aid!"
"I knew he had more common sense then to leave it untreated!" yelled BJ happily.
"Then what happened to him?" asked Hawkeye.
"Well after the war, the Koreans all got reimbursed by the Army for damages, Sister Theresa's included, so they didn't need Father Mulcahy to get them supplies anymore, so he left Korea and the Army for Philadelphia and he's been there ever since."
"Philadelphia!" said BJ in disbelief "He's been in Philadelphia for a year and no one knew!"
"Apparently so." said Margaret.
"Well, did the General give you an address or a telephone number or something?"
"Both." answered Margaret. BJ and Peg walked out of the living room.
Hawkeye and Margaret followed them, but Hawkeye stopped her before they left the living room and said very sarcastically "Boy, you have some obscene phone calls with General Clayton!" and left. Margaret left the room, too, rather puzzled.
She entered the kitchen and asked Hawkeye "What did you mean by that? Obscene phone call. One, singular, not plural. I haven't talked to Clayton in years".
Hawkeye smirked "Nothing, I was just remembering another obscene phone call you had with the General. At the 4077th. About dear, departed Captain Jonathan Tuttle".
Margaret grew sad "Oh. . . poor man. . . he was so generous. He gave thousands of dollars worth of back pay he had to Sister Theresa's orphanage. He died going out to save a dying man in the field" she told BJ and Peg "jumped out of the plane without his parachute. . . wait a minute. . . Hawkeye. . . how did you know about the phone call? The only two people present were Frank and I."
"Sometimes I doubt if he was even present in those days. . . " mused Hawkeye
"Don't avoid the subject, Pierce!" said Margaret in the nicer version of her Major Houlihan voice "how did you know about the phone conversation I had with General Clayton?"
Hawkeye smirked "Because you weren't talking to the General, darling. You were talking to me".
Margaret stared at him "What do you mean? You can't send a phone wire back to where you are. Besides Radar told me he had gotten to I-Corps. . ."
"You forget who Radar was allied with in those days, my dear. You see, Radar was the only one who knew the truth about Tuttle, besides for Trapper and me. He told me you were trying to call Clayton about Tuttle and of course, you couldn't do that so I decided to step in and tell you 'I', meaning General Clayton sent him. Radar called his friend at I-Corps, Sparky and told him he was going to make a phone call in a few minutes and to send it back to the 4077th. . . you see you can do that. . . "
"But why go to all that trouble just to stop General Clayton from talking to me about Tuttle?"
"Because General Clayton didn't send him to us. In fact no one did. I made him up."
Margaret looked shocked at this "Hawkeye Pierce! What an awful thing to say about a brave hero like Jonathan Tuttle! How dare you speak ill of the dead!" She glared.
Hawkeye smiled "But I did make Tuttle up, Margaret. You remember the reason you were calling Clayton was because you couldn't remember ever seeing him?"
"Yes, but then Frank remembered eating dinner with him! And Henry remembered having lunch with him!" Margaret sputtered
"But no one ate any meal with Tuttle!" laughed Hawkeye "Radar convinced Henry he had had lunch with him. And as for Frank, you know how his mind works. . . or how it doesn't work as the case may be. Anyway, Tuttle was my childhood imaginary friend when I was growing up. Whatever my parents accused me of doing I said Tuttle did, whether it was breaking a lamp or wetting the bed. So, when I joined the army, so did he. To make a long story short, Trapper and I were giving supplies to the orphans secretly and when Sister Theresa asked who was giving the supplies to them I said Captain Tuttle. Then she called Henry, you and Frank wanted to know who he was, so Trapper and I had to make a file on him and list his background and physical features. . . "
"Physical features!" interrupted Margaret "You mean. . . you and Trapper. . . made that up and. . . there. . . there was no one that looked like that!"
"Me mostly" Hawkeye laughed "and he was my imaginary friend, why couldn't I imagine him any way I wanted to?"
"What was so thrilling about Tuttle's physical features?" Peg asked with a grin
"I made him extremely good-looking" said Hawkeye "Auburn hair, green eyes, 6 feet tall.I did that because I knew it would arouse Margaret and it did!"
Margaret blushed and Hawkeye continued, looking slyly at his fiancee "Are you mad that there never was a Tuttle and I made his extremely attractive body up?"
"Margaret snorted "No of course not. The way I see it is life's too short to be mad at someone for a little joke if no one got hurt."
"If only you saw that when we first met" Hawkeye muttered in an undertone. Everyone laughed and Margaret tried to swat him, but he ducked and she missed.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" laughed Hawkeye, running from Margaret's hand.
Margaret gave up and said "I'm not mad you made up his physical features either. Why be sorry I don't have that extremely attractive man when I have one right here?"
Hawkeye smiled and kissed her. "OK before this gets even more mushy then it already is, let's finish the invitations" BJ interrupted, knowing how long a kiss between Hawkeye and Margaret could last if no one interrupted them.
Hawkeye pulled away from his bride-to-be "You really know how to spoil a mood, don't you, Hunnicut?" he joked
"Oh, Hawkeye, BJ's right, we have the rest of our lives to enjoy each other, but we only have one wedding and the plans won't finish by themselves" chided Margaret.
Hawkeye shook his head "Sensible Margaret. . . but of course, you're right as always. . . let's finish the invitations".
Margaret, Hawkeye, BJ and Peg went to the table. Margaret filled in the information in the original invitation. BJ and Hawkeye said they would go to the post office while Peg and Margaret would go to the flower shop.
************************************************************************
An hour later, Hawkeye Pierce and BJ Hunnicut pulled into the parking lot of the post office. Erin Hunnicut was seated in the backseat. She had chosen to go with them rather than with Margaret and Peg because she knew going to the post office instead of the flower shop would get her home faster to play with her dollhouse. She handed Hawkeye the invitations that they had picked up from the printers just a few minutes ago. They were still warm.
"There you go, Hawk, 50 invitations hot off the presses!" said BJ "This is your last chance to back out with your dignity intact".
Hawkeye smiled at the invitations like they had reminded him of something very pleasant, which, in fact, they did "No" he said softly "I'm not backing out. This feels like the most right thing I've ever done in my life."
"Good for you". BJ smiled.
"Can I put them in the mailbox, Hawkeye?" interrupted Erin.
Hawkeye turned around in his seat to face the 5-year-old "For my favorite flower girl, anything!" he smiled.
Erin smiled too and put out her hands for the invitations, but Hawkeye withdrew them "One thing first". He flipped through the pile of invitations until he found the one he was looking for. He pulled it out. It was on the immediate bottom. The last one that had been printed. He pulled the invitation out of the envelope and looked quickly over the words. He ran his forefinger lightly over the two places where it said 'Pierce'.
"Hawk! What the he. . . what are you doing?" yelled BJ "You just ruined a invitation!"
"Can you read those words I blotted out?" he shoved the invitation into his best friend's face.
"What. . . no. . . no I can't. . . but that's not the point, Hawk, you just smudged the words so no one can read it and. . . " BJ trailed off as Hawkeye showed him the envelope. It said 'Frank Burns & Family'. BJ understood immediately and his disapproving face grew into a grin that mirrored Hawkeye's. Erin on the other hand had no idea what they were smiling about and after what she had heard about their tricks, didn't want to know.
Still smiling, Hawkeye handed the invitations to Erin wordlessly to mail. She jumped out of the car and grabbed a long stick that she found on the ground on the way to the mailbox. She opened the little slot door and put all 50 invitations into the tray. Erin poked the invitations down the slide with the stick and watched as all 50 of them fell down the seemingly bottomless hole. . .