Where the Heart Is

Sweat poured down his back, the hot summer sun tanning and burning his arms and shoulders. Lindsey's mind was far away from the bales of hay he was working on; his thoughts were on what he was going to write on his next scholarship essay.

It was the final week in July and he had already filled out about seven college applications and somewhere near fifty applications for loans, grants and scholarships. He knew that working as hard as he was in school wasn't going to be enough, especially when he was coming from less than nothing. Lindsey always had dreams of being and becoming more than he was and an even greater need to prove everyone else wrong about him.

Anyone else would think he was just desperate to move away from his home and family, but Lindsey had a bigger plan than that. He wanted a better life, for himself and the rest of his remaining family.

His grandfather died two years back, leaving his grandmother a widow. With her ailing health, he was left to become the caretaker – not that it was much different than before – of his younger siblings and his mother.

Leah McDonald died six months before, the last snow of the season. Nobody knew what she died from, but Lindsey remembered hearing Anna's screams all the way in the barn when she found their mother lying in bed not moving or breathing. They never had money for doctors so they never knew if she was sick. Lindsey always assumed that she just gave up and withered away.

His father was never around anymore, the phone calls had dwindled away to nonexistent and the letters were so far apart that there were times he wondered if his father was still alive. He didn't even bother asking how anyone was, not that he gave a return address or anything; his 'letters' consisted of a small note that said i 'I'm ok, not much work.' /i Sometimes there would be a few bills tapped to the paper for them. It was never more than enough to get a few things needed in the house, just barely.

There was a loud pop outside the barn and Lindsey put down the bale of hay in his hands, wiping the sweat from his forehead with the back of his forearm as he headed outside. "Philip, what are you doin'?" His brother stopped short, two pieces of slate in his hands, his fingers covered in soot. "What did I tell you about what would happen if you kept playin' in the gun powder?"

"But there's nothin' else goin' on. It's so hot…" Philip whined, dropping the rocks and crossing his arms in a pout. "You're always busy."

Sighing, Lindsey moved closer and crossed his arms over his bare chest. "All ya had to do was tell me you wanted the hose." He sighed and threaded his fingers through his sweat-matted hair. "C'mon; I'll pull the hose out. Where's Anna?"

"Homework." He shrugged, kicking dirt into a dust cloud like Pig-pen, making Lindsey laugh and mess his brother's hair as they walked. "Don't get why she's still got school. Nobody does that in the summer."

"Already told you why. She's only got three day's left, then you two can play all day." Lindsey reached up and pulled down the rope that held the hose wound up in the corner of the barn. He hooked it up and handed his brother the end. "Don't spray in the barn, I'm nearly done cleanin' it," he warned, giving his brother a look when he aimed the hose at him.

Philip stuck his tongue out and with the hose end in hand ran outside to most likely hose down half the lawn, himself and the dogs. Lindsey just hoped that his younger brother didn't get bored enough to try and water down the cats again…

Lindsey walked out of the barn, heading in the direction of the house to get something to drink when he felt his hot skin get blasted by a sharp stream of water followed by a giggle. "I'm so gonna get you!"

Laughing, Lindsey chased his brother, ducking the water every time his brother stopped to taunt him. "Can't catch me!" Laughing, Lindsey pretended to fall, laying on his back on the driveway and feeling the hot sun beat down on him. "Hey!"

"I give up." Lindsey turned and looked at his brother looking down at him. "You win." The moment the hose was out of Philip's hands, Lindsey grabbed him by the waist and pulled him down, tickling his younger brother's ribs and laughing along with him. "Got ya."

"Nooooo!" Philip giggled and tried to squirm away from Lindsey's teasing fingers. "You win, you win!" With that, Lindsey let go of him, letting his brother up to run off and no doubt get into trouble with the hose.

Too hot and tired to move, Lindsey decided he'd done enough work for the day, feeling the heat from the sun even as it was starting to go down. But lying there only made him think bitter thoughts, wondering if he'd ever get out of Oklahoma and make a better life or if he was going to fade away like his mother.

"Lin'sy?" He was startled from his thoughts, his eyes moving from the window to look down at Anna.

"Hey you, peanut."He kneeled down and pasted on the same fake smile that everyone else saw. "What you got there?" He looked down at it curiously, seeing neatly written writing from the teacher and scraps of rubber eraser that once held her writing. "Homework?"

"Rythmatik." Anna held it out in front of her like she didn't want to touch it. "Help, pulheaze?" She gave him a bright smile and pulled out a lime green sucker from her overalls; offering it to him as incentive.

"Nah, you keep it." He smiled, reaching out and taking her hand as she toddled along next to him. It had been too long since he remembered ever having candy, but he wasn't going to take it from her. He remembered Mrs. Robinson's class; if they were good they got one prize from the box. Lindsey wasn't about to take her one treat for the week away.

Anna shrugged happily and climbed up onto the bench next to him, pulling the wrapper off and putting it in her mouth. "Don't get it," she slurred around the candy, pointing to the page of seemingly simple problems. "Don't know why I gotta do dis." Lindsey couldn't help but smile as she pouted.

"You're ten, you have'ta go to school, peanut," he murmured half-heartedly, leaning down and kissing her temple, noticing how much more she was looking like their mother every day.

With the same innocent eyes he barely remembered having, Anna pulled the lollipop from her mouth and held it out for him, giving him a stubborn look till he parted his lips and allowed her to give it to him. "Green apple." The simplicity of her words always amazed him; the innocence in her eyes was even more.

"C'mon, let's get some of your work done before I fix dinner. Wanna help me tonight?" She nodded brightly, shifting to her knees and looking down as he started to show her how to answer her homework assignment.

He watched as she bit the tip of her tongue in thought, looking intently at the paper and trying to figure out the assignment in front of her. A pang of regret burned in his veins and he had the momentary thought of ripping up all the applications he'd been filling out and staying put in Oklahoma with his family. Lindsey knew better, his mother would want better for him – for all of them – if he got into college he could get a real job and make real money.

Maybe then he'd finally be able to buy them all a real life.