I'm sorry, I just can't figure it out...
That Message In Your Eyes
When you're searching for something, isn't it quite funny when you stop to search for something else, and then find that something you were looking for in the first place?
All my life growing up, I was a watcher. Maybe the people of this village, the ninja of this village don't want to admit that, especially to themselves, but I was and still am. I'm always observing, always taking everything in. I don't know when I first noticed him, and I can't remember what I first thought when I saw him for the first time, but I'm willing to bet it was something dirty, something positively rude and unforgiving.
But at that time, I wanted to be angry for once; I wanted to take everything I had lost out on, on him- because he was available. He was there, he didn't know. No one knows, what it's like to stare into the eyes of maddened monster. No one really knows, what it's like to watch this monster take out trees with a swipe of its tail. Pencil's, that's what I was thinking at the time, his tail was ripping these strong sturdy trees out of the ground like pencils from a penholder.
All I know is that one-day; I was walking out a door, because I had finally gotten accepted to be a teacher. I wasn't exactly happy, wasn't exactly thrilled. To be a teacher, when I could have become so much more… was an odd decision on my part.
"Why a teacher Iruka?"
"You have so much potential Iruka."
"Why be a teacher? You never really liked schooling to begin with, so why?"
I honestly didn't know then, at the time it was because being a teacher was safe. No one gets attached to the person who is teaching you how to be a better killer. No one trusts a person who is obviously so much more experienced than you. Being a teacher was a safe zone, I wouldn't have to worry about killing people, I wouldn't have to worry about people disappointing me, and I didn't have to worry about disappointing other people.
Amazing, how quickly those feelings changed with time…
People were saying farewell to me, and half-heartedly I said them back. It was odd when one of my female co-worker's pulled me close and told me, "Be careful on your way home." And then gave a pointed look behind me.
And there he was, were he always goes when he wants to be, and has to be alone. He sat underneath a tree near the entrance gate of this school, doodling in the sand with his finger. A child of his age should not be at home alone, but then, there was no one at home waiting for him. That was when I first felt sympathy towards that boy; that was when I felt understanding. For I had no one at home either to greet me, to accompany me… this boy knew and shared my pain.
I wanted to be cold to him. I wanted to ignore his cautious eyes and brush past him as if he meant nothing to me, but something in that face. This face he was showing me was different. His eyes, I never really saw them before, such a beautiful blue. They were saying something to me, but I couldn't understand it back then.
"You must be Uzumaki Naruto, correct?"
His whole body was tense, his eyes had squinted shut and his mouth was puffed in a stubborn pout. He nodded his head slowly, in a very sharp and precise manner. This was his way, to hide his insecurity, what better way, then to publicly show you were absolutely sure.
"And you are, Umino-sensei."
"That is correct." I cleared my throat and had tried to shuffle away, but something made me stop myself from leaving, my eyes darted left to right, and I blurted out, "Next year, you will be in my class."
I received another sharp nod. If possible, his eyes got even squinter, it made him appear fox-like especially with those seals on his cheeks. Something with that face…
"Yes, I am."
In his voice I heard defiance, and maybe a sorrow I might have known to an extent. It scared me; I had to leave because he was acting like a human. A vessel for something so evil, shouldn't have such emotion in their voice, they shouldn't be human at all… there should not be any sorrow in his voice.
His simple sentence, I took as an ending to our small and pointless conversation, and I tried to walk away. But before I could even take my first step-
"Please, be kind to me."
I was frozen. I felt sick, because he sounded so desperate. That was a pleading voice, I knew it, and I couldn't ignore it. Every student I've met who will be in my next class has said the same thing, 'please be kind to me', and 'please treat me well'. It was out of politeness; but not with this boy, there was a begging waver in his voice when he said that, and it struck me deep.
I had simply nodded and walked away.
I already knew then, that that was not the answer he had wanted to hear.
After that first incident, I kept running into him, whether I was shopping or chasing after him for a prank he had pulled. I saw him almost every day. This boy dug deep inside of my heart somehow and breathed life into a soul I thought I had abandoned. Our fifth chase, I had caught him… and I had started laughing. It was of both joy and sorrow and it frightened him. His blue eyes so wide, that message still there, it's always there.
I couldn't do anything then, I just pulled him closer to me and cried on his shoulder and cried some more into his jacket. The grip was not tight, he could have pulled away, and he could have escaped. But he just stood there trembling, with his arms hanging limp to his sides. He never once moved away, because he knew what it was like to cry all alone, to have someone turn their back on you as you try to drag comfort out of your own tears. But he also knew that it was depressing, and lonely to cry by yourself, perhaps that was why he had cried with me.
Hours may have passed like minutes, or perhaps the other way around, all I recall was suddenly ruffling his hair, and whispering, "I will treat you fairly." And I began to cry again, as he watched on in confusion.
He will probably never understand, because no one knows what it's like to see your parents slaughtered by a monster, and no one knows what it's like to sympathize with that monster's vessel… and no one knows what it's like to forgive an incident that destroyed your life, no one knows what it's like to care for someone everyone tells you to hate.
I had realized that day I would do exactly that. I would treat him fairly; I would treat him kindly. The day after, I had begun to openly care for that boy. This boy, this Naruto, I believe he may have understood that day he went to school and found such an inviting swing hanging from a branch on his tree…
All it took were those eyes of his, still sending that same message I still could not figure out. I had cared for this boy, had tried to keep this boy to me; but in the end I had to let him go, to be tutored under another's hand, to grow into the man he wanted to be.
"Why a teacher Iruka?"
To be someone who can guide those who are struggling and lost.
"You have so much potential Iruka!"
Potential doesn't matter, I could do so much better where I am right now. To take the lives of others, I will do this for my village; I will do this to protect those I care about. To protect this boy with wide blue eyes, I will kill, but I refuse to do so on a common basis.
"Naruto! Thanks a lot you idiot! Now we have to do it all over again!"
"ARGH! NARUTO! THIS IS MY FAVORITE OUTFIT!"
"Mwehahahaha!"
Their anger is doing nothing but supposedly bouncing off an uncaring vulpine look. This mask is what he had created at such a young age to hide himself from these people, to silently destroy him from the inside. Those squinted eyes are hiding that beautiful blue; they are hiding those silent messages. I know what they're saying Naruto…
That day when I had protected you from that shuriken, I saw inside your eyes. I read what you've given up saying, what you want to say.
Inside your blue eyes…
"I'm sorry."
"I wish I could stop hurting you."
"It hurts when you look at me like that, when you walk away from me like that…"
"I'm very sorry."
"Please, love me."
"I'm so sorry…"
"Stop leaving me alone!"
"JUST TELL ME!"
"STAY WITH ME"
"TELL ME THAT YOU CAN LOVE ME!"
"I'm not evil… so please stop hating me…""I love you, please stop hurting me, and love me, please…"
"Please… please love me, please."
I'm so sorry Naruto. That my love is not enough, the fact that I care, maybe it seems like such a giant set back, because you can only get me to admit that I care for you. Someone else will love you Naruto I swear it.
"Reminiscing, Iruka-sensei?"
"Kakashi-sensei. You should be down there helping them."
"I am merely their instructor, it is their job to do it. Besides, I had to go through that mess when I was their age, like hell I'm going to do it again."
"Heheheh. I see."
"You know, it's rather annoying watching those two pick on Naruto, especially when they care about him so much. Though Sakura won't admit it because of Sasuke, Sasuke won't admit it because of Naruto. My students obviously like to complicate one another's lives. ♥"
"If they care about him so much, they better say something soon, I don't know how much more Naruto can take. It almost kills me inside my heart to see those crying eyes in that cheerfully smiling face."
"Hn… well then I guess I better start leaving hints for the two, ne? 'Cause I sure don't want to see Iruka-sensei sad, hurt, or dieing inside."
How sweet.
Wait…
What?
Well... I'm not dead. My fingers aren't broken, and I haven't been suffering from some form of head trauma. I know that might piss some of you off even more than my being dead, but oh well, I don't want to lie to you guys. This is a one-shot, I honestly don't know if I'll be doing anything more with this. I desperatly wanted to try something different, and as I started typing out just random blurbs, this began to take form--so with a renewed passion I typed everything out. But because this started with just random blurbs, it might come off as strange. So I apologize, but like I said before, I really wanted to try something different. Please read and review, tell me what you thought, and if it deserves a sequel. Thank you, and I apologize for hiding under a rock most of this year .