A/N: Okay, I don't own Animorphs, people. Sorry if I didn't mention that in the first chapter.

By the way, I just wanted to say something: A few people who reviewed have been associating this story to Birdie num num's "Da Uber Scary Diary of Visser Three", and I just want to make it clear that I have read that story (it's really good!), but that this story was thought of and started BEFORE I read it. So this story has NOTHING to do with that one.

Alright, everyone, this particular chapter... (and NEXT chapter! Only Concrete Angel, three of my other friends and I, of course, know what happens then!) is real weird. If you don't know what I mean, just READ it! Trust me, it's going to seem weird. And I can almost guarantee it will be disturbing... But read it anyway! (please, I'm down on my knees, no flames no flames no FLAAAAMES!)

Oh yeah, one more thing: I don't own instant maple oatmeal or anything associated with the lethal stuff (you'll see)!

Okay, now READ!

Visser Three's Diary

Chapter 2 -- Blind Date?

July First

Entry two...

Dear Diary,

It is I again, Visser Three. And I am on the verge of tears.

Yes, tears. Me. Why? Because the single most embarrassing thing, that I will never, EVER

live down, just happened to me. Just last night. Oh GOD! SPARE ME THE AGONY! shudders You're wondering what happened, aren't you? Yes, you are. I know you are. And I know you know you... Oh hell.

A lightening bolt hit me? Worse. I stepped in Taxxon secretion? Well, I did, but not last night.

And it's still worse.

I arranged for someone to give me a furcut and instead they ended up giving me something you humans call a 'mohawk'? WORSE!

Alright, alright, I'll tell you: I farted on speaker... Lying! Okay, I really will tell you now...

Euf... Here goes...

I WENT ON A BLIND DATE!

Yes, that's it. Oh God... The horror of it all. The pure and simple HORROR!

It all started when my personal assistant, Iniss (no longer on chocolate, thank the universe) came up to me and gave me an invitation to some yearly event called the Human Culture Fest. Eum... no, we didn't feast on human culture. It was a sort of party, actually. A party for human-Controllers. But since I was an Andalite, I could morph to human, so I was invited anyway! Gee, ain't I loved?

Anyway, it was a purely human thing, a chance for us to learn more about human culture. They had 'dances', and 'draws' and other human d-words. I even bet they had dapsens. And other letter words, too.

Iniss told me:

" Visser, forgive me, but I believe your love life is going down the drain..." he choked a laugh. My love life! The humanized dapsen! " So I've arranged a blind date for you."

( What is a blind date? ) I demanded, ( Do not harm my stalk eyes! Or my main eyes, for that matter... But especially not the stalk eyes! )

" Of course not, Visser!" Iniss seemed scared, but he still seemed to be trying very, VERY hard not to burst out laughing. I didn't ask. " A blind date is a human thing. Many Yeerks will be doing this for the Human Culture Fest. It involves taking a temporary mate for a night out."

( Night... out... ) I said, confused. I was blank.

Suddenly, Iniss's face contorted with a smirk he seemed to have much difficulty hiding.

" Yes... Visser," he said, choking laughs here and there. " I've arranged for your date..." he snorted, his shoulders shaking with tremors from trying to remain serious, " To meet you at the fest at... six o'clock."

I stared a bit strangely at Iniss. Then, without warning, he burst out laughing uncontrollably.

" Hello?" Visser One, the evil devil, peeked out of her room, " Is there a problem here?"

( No problem, ) I assured her with a cold stare. ( Except for INISS laughing his fricking head off at... SOMETHING! )

" Oh, okay, well would you mind shutting up?" she closed the door.

Iniss was now halfway down the hallway, walking to his room, laughing hysterically. It wasn't until later that I found out what was so funny...

Dates. Great. Something funny, I supposed, because of Iniss.

To me, it was just another human d-word...

---

I seriously considered not going. Really, I did. But at six o'clock, I showed up, in human morph and in a VERY BAD MOOD, at the Human Culture Fest. It was in a large room. Crazy lights zoomed everywhere, and there were human-Controllers talking passively at tables. Others were eating oatmeal, and others had taken an extra dose of the lethal stuff before coming here... They were the ones on the floor dancing.

All of them were doing something, at least. Yes, all. All except for one, at least.

I noticed her as I came in. She was sitting alone at a large table, looking bored and annoyed.

Visser One. Oh, God, did SHE have to be here!

Strangely, it seemed as though she was asking herself the same question... I didn't ask. She didn't either. I sat at a table two tables down from hers.

... Looking bored and annoyed.

After a while, I picked up a human newspaper. The paper came from a place called 'Canada'. I opened it. Turned to the politics section. Read for a while. They kept talking about some guy named 'Bush', or something. And someone else called 'Paul Martin'. And there was also 'Bin Laden' and 'Al Quaida'. And others, too... Your politicians seem a bit... stupid... Ah well.

After ten minutes or so, a human-Controller with a tray of goblets asked me if I wanted a mug of 'coffee'. I said yes. He handed me one of the goblets, and I sucked on the coffee.

Blind date my behind... I guess she decided not to show up, whoever she was.

Well, that's what I thought...

Two human-Controllers entered the room. I took in more coffee. Read another section of the paper.

After ten more minutes, I averted my eyes from the news. From the corner of my eye I saw Visser One talking to an awed, male human-Controller.

" Sorry, I can't." she said, " See, I already have plans for tonight. With another guy. He hasn't shown up, yet... And besides, six other Yeerks have already asked before you."

The guy seemed like he was about to cry. Geesh! Idiot fans... He walked away, disappointed.

Visser One shot a look at her watch. Then, she frowned.

" Twenty after six!" she exclaimed. " Where is that stupid blind date anyway! Iniss will pay for this!"

I turned back to the paper.

That was before I realized what she'd just said!

My mouth dropped open with horror. I dropped the paper. Then the coffee. Soon, my pants were covered in steaming brown liquid...

VISSER ONE was my blind date!

Iniss. Two. Two. Six... You. BAD. YEERK!

I could just not tell her! Yeah, that was a great plan. Except for the fact that Visser One was now standing in front of me, her hands squeezed around my weak human throat, looking very, VERY angry.

I shivered a bit. Oh no. Now what!

" Who are you!" she yelled. " You better not be that blind date I've been waiting for for twenty minutes!"

" Eum..." I started.

Oh, God! That was it! She didn't know it was me! I'd just pretend I wasn't Visser Three! So then, I wouldn't have to make a fool out of myself because of INISS! I chuckled interiorly at my brilliant plan...

Hey, wait a second... This plan wouldn't help ME much! I'd still have to go on a blind date with... shudder… Visser One. Ohhhh! What the hell did I ever do to deserve this agony!

But still, my identity would be secret... Oh, the hell with it. Here goes...

" I'm WAITING!" Visser One spat.

" I am..." Oh God, please help me! " I'm Eslin... eu... Six-Four-Nine."

" Eslin Six-Four-Nine?" she raised an eyebrow and smirked. Then, to my surprise, said: " That's the lamest one yet. You forgot the 'P' and the second six, Esplin 9466!"

She shuddered. I was wide-eyed.

" How did you --"

" Well, God," she spat, " Why else would INISS, YOUR personal assistant, ask ME to go on a blind date with a guy if it wasn't you, you dapsen! Who'd he send? Himself?"

" I think he would have enjoyed it. And if it ever happens, tell him I'm not paying for the oatmeal bill." I mumbled audibly. No, seriously. Now I was REALLY gonna kill that stupid Iniss!

And if all this wasn't bad enough already, guess what: It got WORSE! MUCH worse! And as I watched Visser One let go of my throat and sit down on the nearest chair, that's when it really started becoming a nightmare...

" Oatmeal?" I heard a voice behind me.

" Sure," said Visser One grimly. " I definitely need it."

I stared, wide-eyed, at my worst enemy, who also somehow happened to be my blind date... (EH, INISS!)

Visser One, ordering oatmeal! No way!

Hey, if she could do it, I could!

" Me too," I said. " Double portion."

Visser One stared at me intently. I smirked, not knowing why.

The waitor gave Visser One a bowl, and two bowls for me. I started digging in on the oatmeal. So good... So, so good...

Almost immediately, I felt a sudden bolt of energy, followed by passiveness. Energy, passiveness, energy...

I looked at Visser One as she got up from her chair, walking around. I wondered where she was going, so I got up and caught up to her. As we walked side by side I felt a question burn inside my mind...

" Hey, hold on." I said, feeling the effect of the oatmeal slowly kicking in. " If you knew it was me, then why did you come?"

She shrugged. " Hey, it was either this or spend an evening giving a sermon to some bunch of mentally retarded low-ranks. They always question people... Definitely NOT the place for me. And besides, this was an event for Vissers, so I had to come."

" Ah." I said.

I believed her. She was the highest-ranking Visser (for now). She must be paid to attend events like this one. So I took her word.

No really, I did.

" Hey, I know those two, over there!" said Visser One. " Let's avoid them... I don't want them to find out who my unfortunate blind date is..."

" Oh yeah!" I exclaimed, slightly offended.

Wait... Offended? What the hell am I...! No no, I meant...

... The oatmeal must be kicking in quicker.

Visser One yanked me by the arm.

" Look! Someone's waving at you, you dreaming dapsen!"

" Oh!"

I snapped out of it.

Out of what? What was I... oh never mind.

I looked to where Visser One was pointing and saw some guy signaling for me to go over there. I did, taking Visser One with me, of course... and the guy smiled a bit stupidly. Probably on oatmeal, like the rest of us.

He leaned over and whispered in my ear:

" How did you get that powerhouse?"

" House?" I demanded, " What house?"

" Not a house, you incredible doaf, your date!" the guy exclaimed.

This guy! Oh for the Emperor's sake... This guy was jealous of me for having got Visser One as a blind date!

" You find her attractive?" I asked.

" Well, hello! Look at her, at least! Man, you have to give me tips!"

" Eum... I didn't exactly try..."

I looked at Visser One, her head leaned to one side, her black hair flowing gently down her back. She had one hand on her waist, as a sign of annoyance, her eyes glaring at me...

" Oh my God she is attractive!" I mumbled.

" See? Now go on and enjoy it while you can!" said the guy.

And with that, he pushed me back encouragingly, and I found myself back in the middle of a crowd of oatmealized dapsens...

... Oh, darn! I have to go. I'll keep writing later.

Until my return,

Esplin 9466