Visser Three's Diary
(PG-13)
Chapter Three: Hey you! What have you done with Visser Three?!
CONTINUED FROM CHAPTER TWO
July First
Entry three.
Dear Diary,
Sorry I got interrupted, Diary... Iniss was spying on what I was WRITING again, and I had to go WHACK HIM IN THE HEAD with a POLE.
So anyway...
Before I continue reciting my dapsenish misadventure at the HCF, there is one VERY IMPORTANT notice that I would like to have you read:
I AM NOT, I REPEAT, NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MY DAPSENISH, RETARDED, DISTURBING ACTIONS IN THIS CHAPTER. I WAS ON OATMEAL, I TELL YOU! OATMEAL!!!
Okay, so now that THAT's off my chest, let's continue, shall we?
When I finished talking to the guy that, well... made me realize that Visser One was, HUM!, hot...
That, in human terms of course. But since this was a human event, I like to...
... Oh, the HELL with it! I WAS ON OATMEAL, OKAY?!?!?!
" So, what now?" asked Visser One, seemingly bored.
" I DON'T KNOW!" I yelled joyfully, a little bit louder that I wanted to be.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw these six people STARING at me. I wanted to tell them to GO... never mind. But before I could, Visser One slapped me in the face.
" You dapsen!" she hissed. " Do you want to get noticed by every single Yeerk in this room?!"
" ... That depends what you mean by 'single'..." I said loopily, dazed and under the influence of high amounts of oatmeal.
I sat up (of course I fell! Even in an Andalite host, Visser One can practically knock you over just by yelling at you!), and immediately recieved this uncharacteristically large jolt of energy...
OKAY! Now I was seriously starting to get HYPER!
I jumped up on my feet and leaped up in the air.
" What the f...?" Visser One started.
" YAHOO!" I practically screamed. " I KNOW this song!"
Visser One clamped a hand on my mouth, silencing me.
" God, don't you GET IT?" she exclaimed. " The less I get seen in this place, the BETTER!"
I ignored her and placed both my hands on her shoulders.
" I like that shirt." I blurted, my voice thickening with the effect of the oatmeal. " You should wear it to the Visser-Council reunions. I can give you my ideas for a better future for the Empire, and you can wear that shirt and tell them what I told you! And of course they'll accept! You know as well as I do that if you WEAR THAT SHIRT, Council Members Two through Eight, Ten and Twelve, PLUS Vissers Two, Four, Five, Six, Seven... and the rest 'til Ten, and, for oatmeal's sake, probably even the EMPEROR... will all be too busy drooling and having weird thoughts to object to anything you say! Therefore, I CAN RULE THE WORLD!! MWAHEE, HA HA!!"
" What the..." Visser One said. " You're WAY too talkative."
" ... And keep the belt too," I continued, completely ignoring her. " That is a nice belt. And the jeans... ohh... definitely keep the jeans."
So... yeah. That's BASICALLY what I'd been reduced to! Complimenting Visser One! Hey, blame the oatmeal, not me!
... I know. I KNOW I'm getting annoying with the whole oatmeal thing. But I just want to make sure you GET IT!
I saw some guy looking at me. No wait... I don't think he was looking at me. He was probably looking at Visser One. Because unless he was gay, he wasn't looking at ME!
" Hey, see?" I said, tilting Visser One's head towards the guy who was staring at her. " The shirt's working already!"
In normal times, she would have pushed me back and I would have gone crashing into the food stand (darned human legs!). But I think her oatmeal was starting to kick in now, too. Not much, but enough.
Suddenly, I heard the music come to a stop. I looked around frantically, wondering what the hell was going on.
" Hey! HEY!" I yelled. " Turn the music back on, I LIKE that --"
- SMACK!
" AAAAOOOOOWWWW!! Quit it, Visser One... I LIKE THAT SONG!!"
- SMACK!
" I saaaaaaiiid, 'AAAAOOOOOWWWW!!'"
" Well I said, 'SHUUUUT UUUUP!!'"
I looked at her as if she came from the Andalite Homeworld.
" No, you didn't...!" I exclaimed. " You asked me if I wanted to get noticed by every single Yeerk in this room, and I said --"
- SMACK!
" Well, NOW I'm saying... 'SHUUUUT UUUUP!!'" Visser One spat.
I looked around me suddenly, and realized that EVERYONE was looking at us. Great. I'd be in for a slapping job the size of a hundred Yeerk pools... Who would ever have the below zero intelligence level to teach someone like Visser One how to slap, anyway?!
There was a blond-haired guy on a little stage close to the mini-bar where I'd met that other guy a while ago. He looked sort of embarrassed for me. And I really, really didn't care.
No really, I didn't.
The guy held a microphone to his mouth and cleared his throat.
" Eum!" he said, " Well... Okay, then! We'll now proceed with a little activity the organizers decided to prepare for the HCF. It is a sort of strange thing the humans do currently... They call it 'karaoke'. Any volunteers who want to try it can step up to this stage and sing a human song of their choosing! We have music for just about any song, so just name it."
The guy stepped off the stage, leaving all of us to our wonderings.
" Karaoke?" exclaimed Visser One, raising one eyebrow. " Are they serious?"
" Are you going to dance in front of everyone?" I... no, the OATMEAL asked hopefully.
" Pfft," Visser One replied smugly. " You wish, Mr. Oatmeal."
" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHEEEEEEEE!!!" I laughed extra-loudly like some sort of beyond-evil witch. " Why not?! Hey, I know...!"
And it was then... right at that moment... that an idea popped into my oatmeal-driven head. And this wasn't just ANY idea, either...
... This was the stupidest, most retarded idea I'd ever had! Including the time I thought I could actually blow up the Andalite Homeworld with a single nuclear micro-bomb!
Those frickin' retarded Andalites decided it might be a good idea to attack my ship with three micro-bombs...
... I still haven't completely physically recovered from that...
So anyway, this idea, at the time, was like NOT ONLY the creepiest thing you could ever imagine... it also seemed to be quite fantastically superb! Of course, though, that was the oatmeal's point of view.
" Why are you gaping like a dapsen?" asked Visser One, sounding sort of dazed.
" Because I want to TRY!" I yelled.
Everyone immediately stopped talking. Not only talking... They stopped dancing, eating, and everything else, too. The room was in complete silence. Everyone seemed to be wondering whether or not they had heard me correctly.
" You want to try the karaoke?" the stage guy asked shyly.
" YEAH!" I screamed.
" What are you doing, you dapsen?!" Visser One yelled, trying to hold me back from climbing up on that stage and humiliating her.
But I didn't listen. I just walked up to the stage, my human sneakers squeaking on the metal floor. Whispered something to the Yeerk who was operating the sound system.
" Hah! Are you serious, dude?" he laughed out loud.
" Dead serious!" I exclaimed.
" Alright then," the guy smirked.
I climbed up on the stage, fifty pairs of eyes trailing me. The stage guy tossed me a microphone and ran off the stage laughing like a lunatic.
… And then, to my great happiness, and to Visser One's great horror, the music started playing. Softly at first, then louder...
Hiya Barbie!
Hi Ken!
You wanna go for a ride?
Sure, Ken!
" I'm a Barbie girl
In a Barbie world!
Life in plastic
It's fantastic!
You can brush my hair!
Undress me everywhere! ..."
Visser One screamed. A bunch of idiots started laughing. But most of the people in the room were smirking and muttering to themselves:
" The poor dapsen…"
… And through all this, I wasn't even the slightest bit humiliated!
I just continued on, singing that stupid song about a human plaything!
" You can touch!
You can play!
If you say I'm always yours!
Ooh whoa! ..."
By now Visser One had grabbed a paper bag, shoved it over her head, and started walking towards the exit door. And I did nothing about it! No, I was FAR too busy singing and chuckling like a twelve-year-old schoolgirl.
" Come on Barbie, let's go party
Ah, ah, ah, yeah!
Come on Barbie, let's go party
Ooh whoa, ooh whoa
Come on Barbie, let's go party…"
Visser One left and closed the door behind her, leaving ME here with all these people laughing at my sorry ass.
… And then, finally, the song ENDED!
" Oh, I LOVE YOU KEN!" I yelled.
The music stopped and I looked around. The stage guy was on the ground laughing. So was everyone else, for that matter…
I shot a look at the exit… Visser One's head poked through the opening as she cast a cautious glance my way. She sighed and reentered the room.
" I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME, WE'RE A HAPPY FAMILY!" I sang hysterically.
Visser One backtracked and headed back for the exit.
" WITH A GREAT BIG HUG, AND A KISS FROM ME TO YOU! WON'T YOU SAY YOU LOOOOOOVE MEEEEEEEE TOOOOOOOOOO?!!!"
I stopped singing. The room was silent again. Visser One stopped walking. I leapt off the stage and ran over in her direction.
… And in less than five minutes, the party was started again.
LATER
Now, I do not have to precise every little detail… So let's skip a few parts.
They were playing slow dances now. This was the before-last one… It was a song called "Crash and Burn" by something called "Savage Garden". Wherever that is, I sure would never want to live there!
" This is a nice human song," mumbled Visser One, who was probably half asleep because the dances were so slow. She was resting her head on my shoulder as the song went on…
… Yeah, her oatmeal had kicked in. In case you're dumb.
But I was getting tired of the HCF. I don't know why… It's like, there was a whole bunch of other stuff I could be doing right now either than slow-dancing with my arch-rival!
… And besides, it was late in the night… Not that I wanted to sleep. The oatmeal was too effective to even THINK about sleeping.
But nevertheless, I wanted OUT of this place!
The song ended and I pulled Visser One to the side. She sort of leaned casually onto a nearby wall.
" Do you want to leave?" I asked.
" Eum… Yeah," she replied.
" Because I do." I said.
" Alright, then, let's go." Visser One said.
We walked towards the exit, side by side. When we arrived, I yanked the door open and we stepped outside into the brightly lit hallway.
" … It's kind of a long way to my extra room…" I said.
" What do you mean, your extra room?" Visser One asked.
" Well, my real room is being cleaned… And the room I'm supposed to go to is way on the other side of the Blade Ship! I'm not walking way up there!"
" So, where do you want to go?" asked Visser One in a casual tone.
I…. The OATMEAL… smiled slyly as I wrapped an arm around her shoulders.
" Come on," I said.
And so, with that, Visser One and I turned around and walked in the opposite direction of the hallway, leaving the Human Culture Fest – and all its embarrassments – behind…
… Oh geez, I have to go. I'll continue reciting the "trauma" tomorrow…
… The worst, believe it or not, is yet to come…
Until my return,
Esplin 9466
Please review! AND NO FLAMES, FOR THE LOVE OFWHATEVER YOU CHOOSE TO BELIEVE IN!!!
Next chapter: What exactly happened after the HCF? And willVisser Three be able to live it down? ... Hee! Funny stuff in that chappie!