My Heart Is For You
The Sentence
Authored: Ai No Senshi FC

She finally awoke from an uneasy slumber to the beeping of her clock. She fumbled around her end-table until she did find the clock and turned it off. She had no idea what time it was, nor did she really care. There was only one thing she had to do today, and it wasn't something she was looking forward to but she had brought it upon herself so she was obligated to go.

After finally rolling out of bed, she went and took a warm shower with the hopes of working off the painful hangover she still had from earlier that night. Forever it seemed she sat in the bathtub soaking away the stench of alcohol, menthol and sweat. The warm water surrounding her body had a lulling effect and for a moment of two she may have dozed off for a second before shaking her head and coming back to reality. She finally stood up and dried herself off, taking a long time to apply the makeup that she hoped would hide some of the wrinkles starting to form on her face from many nights of squinting and grimacing. To some credit it actually worked but not to her expectations; someone could look at her just walking down the street and assume that she was just in her early thirties, had a good home and good husband, but unfortunately some people only respond to what they have seen in other such people in which that wish had come true.

She hada fight with herselftrying to put on her uniform. For some reason, other than her hangover, she seemed to stall while putting on her lingerie and her dress, as if she really didn't want to go back out into the world. Nonetheless, she had to, or the authorities would come for her and give her a worse punishment than what she was all ready expecting. She made coffee for a change, still trying to evade the effects of her alcoholic tendencies to little avail, but the warm liquid made her feel somewhat at ease if only for a few minutes. Once she had fully collected herself, she gathered up personal belongings and went outside to her car.

The ride over to the Geofront was very uncomfortable. All the time she spent thinking about what she had finally coming to her. What would happen, what would Commander Ikari say, while true, would sting down to her bones, how Shinji or Ritsuko would look on and be disappointed.

She really wished to turn around right now and leave Tokyo-3. Alas she couldn't, this thought came way too late as the vehicle elevator was nearly through the defense barriers.

The sight of the Geofront really carried no special feeling any longer for Misato. No shock and awe, no stare of amazement. "Why is this really here anymore?" she sat and wondered to herself as Central Dogma came closer and closer into her field of vision. There wasn't anyone left to fight, not with the world at peace after the Angels were finally defeated ten long years ago. Really all that was left were plans to retrieve the Spear of Longinus back to Earth, and that space mission was completely plotted out and nearing the flight stage. This was why she thought she would have been the most guilty in recent memory she could recall, having little to do with the planning at all – not by direction but by choice, or some would call ignorance.

The fear of the unknown made Misato shiver every now and then as she made her way to the officers' revue. Little was to be in her plans at work today, for she figured she would be, at best, dismissed of her duties, leaving her a lot more time to stay at home and try to forget once more.

Walking into the small meeting room that had been converted into a courtroom for what she was subpoenaed for, a 'court martial' of sorts. What it really was, hidden behind the fancy wording chosen by Commander Ikari, was a sentencing; moreover, an admission of guilt. Of course everyone she thought would be present for the occasion were there; Futsyuki, Ritsuko, Gendo, Maya, Shinji, Asuka, and Rei. What really struck her interest as she took her seat alone in front of the Commander was how Shinji was holding Asuka's hand, whispering every so often into one anothers ears. Maybe this was whom Shinji said he was engaged to, and the mere thought of it being Asuka filled her with intense jealousy. That was a matter for another time as the Commander started calling forth 'witnesses' for the trial. She stood her ground, folding her hands over one another as the Commander asked each and every person present about subjects concerning Misato such as tardiness, laziness, falling asleep on the job, ignorance, acting without orders, so on and so forth. A bastion of strength from the glory days of NERV when it was more than a name, but a defender of the innocent, and every one saw this image in Misato and recalled it as well, but saving face at a moment way beyond the appropriate time to save anything was all for naught.

Finally after hours of deliberation;

"Captain Misato Katsuragi, please stand up." Commander Ikari's voice thundered from on high. Misato obeyed his order and stood, straight up as possible, and looked on Gendo with a strong face and powerful glint in her eye.
"For the past decade your attendance record has fallen drastically and quite frequently in the last year you have actually shown up to your post either drunk, hung over, or both. You have failed to complete your current assignments on time if they are done at all, and you have expressed tendencies that are borderline AWOL in intent and purpose. You have not given your subordinates the leading spirit you have once exhibited, and therefore when all is considered, you have become utterly useless.

"Therefore it is in the interest of NERV and this court to apply the following sentences. You are hereby suspended from your post, and are also ordered to turn over your sidearm and all forms of identification and passcards stamped with the NERV emblem. Also, you are subjected to have your pay cut in three-quarters and pension plan suspended. While this is certaintly a light penalty considering your current status as an officer of NERV, a further revue of your status will be held six months from now. If you are still the washed-up excuse for a human by then the organization will have no choice to suspend youindefinitely and bar you from re-entering the Geofront under any circumstances. Do you understand the charges?"

"Yes, I understand." It was all she had expected with a few surprises.

"Then this ruling has come to a close. The next hearing will be in six months time from this date. Court is adjourned." Commander Ikari finished, and he wasted no time in standing from his chair and walking out of the room. A slow silent murmur rose over the room stemming from the punishment handed out. Misato proceeded to hand over to an orderly all her NERV passports, passcodes and identification cards, and before she could search for a soft voice in the room the orderly escorted back out to her car, where security followed her all the way outside of he gates until they were sure she wouldn't be getting out of her vehicle or doubling back.

The only comfort stemming from anything she heard today was the opportunity to return home, run another hot bath, have a beer and a smoke and waste the day away, just like she had wished from the beginning. While having her pay reduced drastically could cause some financial woes down the line due to her extravagant drinking life, it may even make her move out of her apartment into a smaller one. She figured six months would be enough time to fake a turnaround to get at least her pension out of the organization and call an early retirement.

Arriving home, she was surprised to see that Shinji had somehow managed to beat her back to the apartment complex. How it thrilled her to see the boy with whom she had fallen for years earlier; how he stood strong and tall next to his new car, wind blowing his hair to and fro. She parked two spots down from him and exited her car, finding Shinji walking her way.

"Hi, Misato." He said, coming around the far side of her car. "It's been awhile hasn't it?"

"Yes, yes it has. I don't think I've seen you outside of the Geofront for at least a year." She said, although it had really been only a few months since he left her apartment for his own with Asuka shortly after college commencement. She did notice that the college experience, and perhaps being around the strong-willed German for so long had calmed the quiver in his voice.

"I've really missed being here, you know?" He gave her a light hug, which Misato had found thrilling. "You're still just as beautiful as I remember."

Misato giggled to herself. "Oh stop it, I know you're just buttering me up."

"No I'm not!" Shinji said. "I only say what I think is true."

While the comment certainly made her feel better, the torment her self-conscious has been through wouldn't let her believe it as much as she wanted.

"Would you like to come upstairs?" She thought about taking it back as soon as she said it because her apartment had become, more or less, a trail between clothing and random empty cans and cigarette boxes between her room, kitchen, patio, and bathroom.

"Sure, I would love to." He replied with a smile.

"Misato, I've become very worried about you."

Misato coughed on the third beer at his words, responding, "How so?"

Shinji shifted in his seat, showing some of his old tendencies of evasion. "Well, I'm not really fond of your smoking or drinking all the time. I mean, I was used to you drinking large amounts while I lived here, but it seems as though you've actually increased how much you've had.

"And the smoking – I never recalled when you started; even less, when you started smoking inside. The stench is really overpowering. Look at all this trash everywhere! You've never been this dirty ever!"

Misato looked him in the eye. "I can't help myself anymore – nothing really seems worth living for any longer."

"Stop it Misato." His words shocked her. Since when had he grown a backbone? Of course, she figured it had to do with being so close to Asuka for so long. "You are very possible of carrying on like you used to."

"I don't believe you."

"But you should, since I've seen you do it before."

"That was years ago."

"Want me to prove it to you?"

"No I don't want to hear anything else that's the truth today."

"Fine then, you leave me no choice."

Shinji stood up from his chair, found a trashcan, and began cleaning up the floors and tables.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" Misato asked, watching as her got down on his hands in knees in his fancy suit.

"Since you won't help yourself, I'm going to help you."

"I won't let you do that!" Misato rose from her chair and took the bag away from him, inserting a freshly emptied beer can. "See, I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself."

"But you needed my pestering and action to do it."

"Well – I, uh." Misato stumbled over her own words trying to find a way in which she could prove him wrong but could find nothing. He did make her clean something up on her own will.

"Listen, I just want you to be yourself again. That's all. It's a real pain to see what's become of you and that's what everyone else has thought as well. I'm the only one who thinks you can still pull it together."

"Why do you say that?"

"Consider it repaying a debt." He said. The words confused her, but before she could inquire into what he said his cell phone rang. He quickly answered it, and Misato could clearly hear Asukas voice on the other end. While it wasn't the same biting tongue as before – somewhat soft now – it still had the forceful tone in it. He began talking to her with 'Yes dear' and 'No dear' and 'I'll be coming home soon' before he hung up.

"I have to leave now Misato," He said, snapping the face closed on his phone. "Asuka's wondering when I'll be home for dinner."

"Oh, of course Shinji. Whatever you have to do in your time is quite fine with me." No it wasn't, she rather would have him stay them go home to his fiancée.

"Now I'll be back tomorrow before I go to NERV with some coffee… I think you'd want to forget this day as much as any other."

"All right, it's a deal." They embraced one more time before they said their goodbyes and he was.

Misato was left with a bag in her hand half-full of trash, and looked around at her own filth. With nothing much better to do at the moment, she got down on her kness and began collecting her waste.