A/N: THANKS to everyone who actually reads this crazy humorous soap opera from hell! And keep on reading and reviewing, it only gets better from here!

Sinister Shadow

Visser Three's Diary

PG-13

A/N: Just to remind everyone that I don't own Animorphs, oatmeal, (for last chapter:) the songs "Barbie Girl" by Aqua and "Crash and Burn" by Savage Garden, and gothic novels!

AND: THIS IS AN ADVANCE WARNING: NO FLAMES! I repeat, NO FLAMES!

... Happy reading of chapter four!

Chapter Four: The Aftermath of the Human Culture Fest

(CONTINUED FROM CHAPTER THREE)

Flashback...

" Are you sure it's a good idea to break into Councilor Seven's extra room?" asked Visser One, leaning on the door, her hand clutching the handle.

" Hey, he has a fountain and about ten million hot tubs in there!" I laughed. " It's worth it! You can have the first five million tubs, and I'll take the others."

The oatmeal was still in drastic effect. I had no control whatsoever over my actions. Aaah! Help! Pity me, you dapsenish oatmeal!

... I'm really pushing the addiction laws.

" You dapsen," Visser One teased, slapping my arm. " No one has ten million hot tubs. Let alone in one room."

" ... Except Councilor Seven." I added, smirking like an Andalite.

" No, you dope!" Visser One frowned, regaining a bit of herself for just a moment. " Not even Councilor Seven! Not even the Emperor! Not even -"

Before she could finish her sentence, I - in other words the oatmeal - grabbed her arm and drew her closer to me. I gently pressed my completely oatmealized human morph's lips against hers...

I remember Iniss telling me once about "human stuff". Supposedly, what humans see as "stuff" is romantic (a.k.a. exaggerratingly sympathetic) actions towards one another. I don't know why they call it "stuff". But then again, who really understands humans?

Anyway, this was a human kiss. Not so bad, according to me, and "awesome" according to the oatmeal. Cough That NEVER Cough leaves this Cough diary Cough! And as those few moments passed, the kiss became more passionnate...

Subtlely, my right hand slid behind Visser One, where it took hold of the doorknob and opened the door.

... And then... Well, let me just tell you it's a good thing Councilor Seven is waaaay too dumb to have room security.

... Did you know that Visser One uses a different host here in space than she does for her duties on Earth? She owns like, I don't know, FIFTY hosts! ... I'm not very good at changing the subject, am I?

Well come on, people! Give me a break! At least give me enough of a break to make up for the one that frickin' OATMEAL forgot to give me!

End of Flashback

July Second at like three in the morning.

Entry four.

Dear Diary,

By the time I got back to my room from the HCF, it was... eum, I wasn't sure at the time. But I knew it was late in the morning. Maybe even early afternoon. Shit, for all I know, it could have been the evening! But I didn't care. I just did NOT care!

I am a horrible, horrible Yeerk...

... And if I wasn't feeling bad enough already, here comes that frickin' INISS running towards me in the hallway, almost jumping in excitement. And he was followed by two of my security guards.

Great. I turned away and squeezed my human eyes closed (I was still in human morph, having demorphed and remorphed at least five times). Hey, you up there! Whoever's supposed to be my creator! ... You think I could wake up now? This isn't funny anymore!

Well, one thing was definitely for sure: No way was I letting my little oatmeal-filled misadventure go public. So I turned around, ran past my dapsen assistant Iniss and my two guards (who just kept running the other way for a while before they realized I was no longer there...) and crept into my room.

Once inside, I fell dramatically onto my bed, exhausted (of course I have a bed! I don't want to be deprived of any luxuries the other Vissers have!). I didn't demorph again. Not yet. ... Not ... enough ... energy...

" Visser Three! There you are!"

I opened my eyes. There was Iniss, standing alone in the doorframe. I guess the other guards decided they had better things to do.

" Visser, where have you been?" Iniss exclaimed, " We've been looking for you since six o'clock this morning!"

" Oh yeah?" I asked, sighing in fatigue, " And what time is it now?"

" One o'clock in the afternoon, Visser!"

I swear, if I'd been standing up at that moment, I would seriously have fallen down and fainted.

" One o'clock!" I exclaimed, shooting up like a board instead.

" Yes." Iniss walked over to the side of the bed. He looked at me strangely. " Visser, you look awful... What happened?"

" Iniss..." I warned, " Don't go there."

" No really, what happened?"

" I stayed overnight, okay?" I yelled, " Sheesh, you damn personal assistants and your overprotectiveness..."

Iniss seemed insulted for a moment. But then, he regained his composure. Unfortunately. ... What? I love yelling at the guy!

" So..." Iniss took an excited tone, " How was it?"

" How was what?" I asked.

I was so embarrassed. I definitely knew what was coming. Hey, by the way, can I ask a question? How come you humans sometimes become very red in the face? Huh? What is that!

" Your blind date," he giggled.

And... That's when I remembered: 'Oh yeah! I have to strangle Iniss today!'

" INISS 226!" I roared, " HOW DARE YOU SEND ME ON A FRICKIN' BLIND DATE WITH THAT DAPSEN?"

Iniss quivered in fear. " Oh, c-c-come on, V-Visser." he stuttered, " Y-You two would obviously m-m-make a good h-human c-c-couple... Y... You fight all the time! I thought it was a g-g-good idea."

" Well, you thought wrong!"

Iniss seemed shocked for a moment, then he smiled.

" Then, if it was so horrible, why did you stay overnight?" he asked.

I swear my cheeks turned the color of human blood. I wanted to cry. And at the same time I wanted to laugh at the pure and simple irony of it.

I stayed silent for a long time before finally breaking the silence.

" I had oatmeal, okay!" I raged.

" Oatmeal?" exclaimed Iniss, staring at me intently. " Oh, now you GOTTA tell me what happened!"

" That is none of your business," I mumbled.

" What did you do, Visser?" Iniss asked sternly.

I tried not to blush too much. " Human stuff."

" Human stuff?"

" Yes."

" With Visser One?"

" NO." I said sarcastically, " With the Taxxon Emperor."

Iniss went white, staring at me.

" ... Of COURSE with Visser One, you big dapsen!" I rectified.

Iniss was silent for a moment. But then, to my surprise, he burst out laughing!

" You and Visser One doing human stuff!" he laughed, " Together? Woo hoo! Do you know what type of things those humans do!"

" I do now," I mumbled to myself. Then I added, to Iniss: " Listen, you dapsen, YOU'RE the one who set up this whole thing, so don't be laughing at me!"

Iniss didn't answer. He just kept laughing and laughing... and laughing...

" I always wanted a daughter-in-law..." Iniss managed to choke through his laughter.

I jumped up and whacked my strong... tired... human arms around his throat.

" SHUT UP YOU FRICKIN' DAPSEN!" I yelled. " NOT A SINGLE WORD OF 'THE TRAUMA' GOES PUBLIC, YOU HEAR ME!"

I paused, confused.

" Hey wait..." I then said. " You're not even my father!"

" I can be your father in the human world!" Iniss squeaked.

" RRRRRRGH!" I screamed in frustration, falling back onto my bed, my face smudged into my comfortable pillow.

... Like the ones they had at the Human Cul -

BAD ME! BAD, BAAAD ME! Shut up, you ANNOYING inner conscience! I had no idea you even EXISTED until now, so SHUT UP!

" Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggghhhh...!" I yelled into my pillow, frustrated.

There was no, I repeat, NO way I would ever live this down...

... Unless of course I became the Emperor! Now that would certainly help!

TEN MINUTES LATER

I opened the door to my room and stepped out, the light of the hall shining down on my slick blue fur. I walked slowly down the hallway, my four great, beloved hooves clicking! ... Never again would I wish that I had a better host than Alloran! Hah hah! I'd retrieved my Andalite form!

Nothing could stop me now! MWAHAHAHA! I could just forget about the trauma at the HCF and move on with my life!

Gasp! Oh NO! Visser One was walking down the hallway, fast-paced, her eyes looking down, seeming humiliated.

And she was coming this way!

Hee! Kind of awkward! ... Eu, I didn't exactly know that this little... hum! Misunderstanding... stood a chance of RUINING MY LIFE FOREVER!

Iniss, what have you done to me!

I blushed. I just couldn't let her see me! Not after that! I dove into an open doorway and found myself in the middle of about five-hundred people testing out Dracon Beams...

" Hey, look, it's Visser Three!" someone said.

" Hello Visser!" beamed a technician towards the back of the room. " Ready to test some Dracon Beams?"

What the freakin' HELL are you talking ab- I started.

" Okay, you dapsens, pass me the frickin' Dracon Beams before I take a FRICKIN' FIT!" yelled, from behind me, a very familiar voice...

... Oh oh.

I dove behind about twelve boxes and trembled like a dapsen who unwillingly did human stuff with his worst enemy...

And then, in walked Visser One.

" Oh oh, the Visser's mad." muttered a Dracon Beam tester to the Yeerk beside him. " The Visser's mad, what do we do!"

I swear he was trembling almost as much as I was.

... Just almost.

" H-hell-llo V-Visser!..." that shivering idiot over there said, " Would you... would you like m-me t-t-to

pass you the ne-newest box?"

" The newest box?" Visser One laughed sweetly. You know, sort of like the way Andalite females laugh when they've had their brain neurons accidentally sucked out.

Then, in a fraction of a second, her tone drastically transformed into a tone which I swear could have frozen the nearest star.

" The newest box!" she exclaimed icily. " Do you think I care which box you give me? I just want a box of tested Dracon Beams, and you will hand them over right now or else say goodbye to your PITIFUL INCOMPETENT HEAD!"

I almost laughed... That sounded exactly like Visser One talking to me.

... May I, once again, emphasize the "almost"?

" A distraction!" whispered the Yeerk next to the shivering tester.

" Yes... yes!" the tester mumbled back. " Oh, Visser One! Did you know we had a special guest here helping us today?"

My heart froze. My pitiful Andalite lungs froze. My brain cells just completely froze.

... Those idiots were using me as their distraction, weren't they?

I should have known this wasn't the way to the male waste elimination room!

" Oh yes?" asked Visser One in her famous not-impressed tone. " And who might that be?"

" V-Visser T-T-Three, m-ma'am!" stuttered the tester.

Visser One's jaw dropped. I swear she looked like she was about to cry in frustration.

... Then, her face became red with anger.

" That dangerously retarded DAPSEN is here!" she yelled.

" Y-Y-Yes," mumbled the tester.

" Where?" asked Visser One.

" Over there, behind those crates!" the tester indicated, pointing straight in my direction.

Visser One slowly looked toward the crates. The tester smirked and exchanged a glance with his friend.

DAMN YOU, you treacherous dapsen! DAMN YOU!

My nerves causing me to make stupid decisions, I jumped up to my full height and smiled and looked at everyone, including a very pissed-looking Visser One.

Hello everyone! I exclaimed like an idiot. Just thought you'd want to know that all your boxes are in perfect shape. Thank you.

Everyone just sort of stared.

" They're called crates, you know," said some Yeerk with a reeeeeeaaal nasal voice.

Oh what-friggin'-ever! I yelled.

I jumped over the boxes and landed in front of Visser One.

" Well, well, well..." she sneered, raging, " If it isn't Mr. Oatmeal."

All the technicians and all the testers immediately shut up and looked at us intently.

I raised my head to the sky and rolled my main eyes dramatically.

Look, Visser One... I said, still not believing my next thought-spoken words were about to leave my mind... I need to talk to you.

" Oh yeah?" Visser One yelled. " About what? About Councilor Seven's ten million hot tubs!"

Argh. I looked somewhere else for a moment. Can we please not talk here?

" I'm not going anywhere." she said, crossing her arms.

Listen! I raged, grasping her shoulders and shaking her twice. I'm going to talk anyway, so either we go somewhere else, or I'll talk in front of all these people... And you know about what!

Visser One glared blazing daggers at me, but then stomped her foot in anger and followed me outside.

Once we were away from the dangerously nosy testers, I closed the door behind us and faced my worst enemy, whom I found myself hating even more after... after that.

As soon as the door closed, Visser One attacked me with accusations.

" What the hell is your problem!" she yelled. " You think you can drug me and -"

Look, you big dapsen, I was on oatmeal too! I shot back. So don't think I purposely drugged you. It's not like that, okay?

" Big dapsen your-freakin'-self!" Visser One exploded. " I've never been more humiliated! I mean... it would never have been so bad if it wasn't for the tiny little fact that it just happened to be you. You're the big frickin' dapsen here, not me! I don't even know why I'm talking to you! I hate you!"

Hot tears began to streak her face as she stomped the ground in frustration.

" ... And he didn't even haveten million hot tubs!" she sobbed. " He only had three! Divide that by two, Oatmeal-Man. What, I get one, you get one and we each get half of the last one? You frickin' imbecile!"

She stormed off, leaving me to feeling like a dapsen who just got told off by an even bigger dapsen.

I WAS ON OATMEAL! I yelled, throwing my pathetic Andalite arms in the air. Damn!

I felt like a low-rank for a minute, but then I regained my composure.

FINE, IGNORE ME, THEN! I screamed.

" I'M PLANNING ON IT, YOU DAPSEN!" Visser One screamed back, slamming her door behind her as she regained her room.

And then, for the first time since last night at six twenty, I felt good.

... I guess no matter how bad your life can get, it never fails to eventually go back to normal...

In other words, as normal as it could get from here.

And so ends the horrible misadventure lived by me at the Human Culture Fest. Though I do not hope you enjoyed laughing your head off at my horrible fate and oatmeal-filled antics, I'm sure you have. ... And what the hell are you doing reading my diary anyway! I TOLD YOU IT'S PRIVATE!

Anyway, I must be going. Iniss is screaming at me from the room to come rescue him from a bunch of mad Hork-Bajir who say they were told to burn things... I personnally think he's been reading too many of those human goth novels... Where the frig did he get those, anyway? Probably from the guy in room twenty-four who's only hobby is stealing everyone's pillows...

Until my return,

Esplin 9466

PLEASE REVIEW! No Flames, No Flames, No FLAAAAMES!

Next chapter: Visser Three attends, uninvited of course, a birthday party. There, he will get the chance to speak with the Councilors and, hopefully, BRIBE them to promote him! Oh yeah, and have I mentionned that day is also CURSED?