Visser Three's Diary
by Sinister Shadow
A/N: In a review for last chapter, someone asked me what the word "dapsen" meant. You should be able tell approximately what it means by the way it's used... The word is a grave insult, and if it was translated into English, there'd probably be swear terms involved. So let's just not go there, alright?
CHAPTER 5 - Birthdays and Councilors
Still July 2nd, at eleven o'clock at night.
Entry whatever.
Dear Diary,
It's official! My LIFE is ruined. RUUUUUUIIIIIIIIIINED!
... Okay, I won't make an extreme point of making an even bigger fool of myself today.
Argh! Argh! Argh! WHY am I so cursed lately!
... I know why. Because this month... this month, the human month of July, end of the Yeerk month of Ahjito, is cursed. It is the most cursed month EVER!
The month... of Visser One's birthday. Cue psycho music.
And not only that! Today was the DAY of Visser One's birthday! Ha ha, what an abnormal coincidence!
... I told you I'm cursed.
Visser One had returned to her beloved Empire Ship sometime during the afternoon, just after our argument concerning the cursed HCF. She landed it on our home planet, which I hadn't seen for a while. Now, this is going to sound typical... She was holding her party on the far end of the Yeerk Homeworld, where she rented an entire INN for the evening. A whole inn! The guys must have paid thousands of Yeerk Coins to get an invitation! ... And... forget I said that!
I wasn't invited, of course. Now that would be weird (if, of course, I hadn't experienced enough weirdness during the past two days). In fact, the only year I was ever invited to Visser One's birthday party was last year, when I was trying to trick her into confessing something treasonous by being nice to her (was THAT ever a long year...).
... She didn't buy it, of course: She invited me because she was trying to bribe me into confessing something treasonous. So typical of her.
But anyhow, back to the present... Of course I wasn't invited! Especially not after the trauma at the HCF! I mean, Visser One was still raging at me: She yelled at me all night last night from her room next door about how stupid I was. And about drugging her (which I DID NOT DO!). And also about 'those primitive things'. Whatever those primitive things are. Probably something that concerns human females on Earth.
No, I wasn't invited. But I went anyway. Why, you ask? Because I wanted to look like a better male to Visser One? ... Now, could you answer that yourself? Really. Do you really think I give a damn what the devil thinks about me? No? I thought not. And for the last time, you dapsen, WHY ARE YOU READING MY DIARY?
... What? Because I felt guilty? Oh no. No no. I do not feel GUILTY. Don't even GO there. First of all, INISS should be the one feeling guilty, not me! Geez, if I ever get stuck with human children because of him trying to perk up my 'love life', he better have adoption files ready, because those kids are getting a nanny!
... A big, annoying nanny. And her name is Iniss... I almost feel sorry for those nonexistant (thank God) little double-evil-incarnate vermin. And that's a large emphasis on the 'almost'.
Anyway, I was going to Miss Devil's birthday party because, and I know this is going to sound strange, it was a big oppurtunity for me. See, in case you hadn't already noticed during the HCF, everyone just loves Visser One. It's sickening, actually... She gets a present like every day! From yet another brainwashed goo-head male!
... What about me, huh! Why don't I ever get presents? What's WRONG with you people?
Anyhow, I decided I was going, invitation or not. Everyone knows I want to get a promotion. I mean, HOW LONG have I been stuck at Visser Three? Ever since Alloran came along! I bet Alloran's stench is keeping me from being promoted! I mean, in a way I don't blame them... Lord knows we wouldn't want Alloran contaminating all the bathrooms!
The Councilors were therefore the only answer to my prayers... Stupid Alloran... Of course, those thirteen Pretty Female Hunters would also be at the party (Emperor included. I know his secrets...). I would go, and I would pretend I didn't exist.
... And if Visser One hunts me down with a pitchfork, I'll tell her that Iniss slept with a poster of her last night.
So, determined, and my plan all worked out, I set off to the large room where Visser One's party was being held. I knew I didn't belong there. Not in a million years! But did I care?
... Not in a million years.
" Hey! Visser Three!"
I stopped dead. No... I was hoping it was a nightmare. It had to be a nightmare! I mean, there's a point where you just can't get any more cursed, you know? And I had reached that point last night.
I slowly... slooooooowly turned around. Yeah. Just a nightmare... Fiou!
" VISSER THREEEEEEEEEEE!"
Iniss jumped on me, singing a song like nothing I've ever heard.
... Great. Whatever happened to the NIGHTMARE! Did Iniss really have to be here!
So much for secret mission...
( Iniss! ) I pushed him roughly off me. ( What. The HELL. Are you doing here! Can't you see I'm in the middle of )
" It's VISSER ONE'S BIRTHDAY!" Iniss yelled like there was no tomorrow.
( Yes, yes I know that. ) I said dully. ( Who doesn't know that? )
Iniss smirked. " Awwwww...! What, do you have it marked on your cal "
I raised my tail.
" ibre seven Dracon Beam!" Iniss added quickly, terrified.
I glared, the look in my eyes telling Iniss to watch his pitiful rear end.
" Sooooo..." said Iniss, changing the subject. " I bought her something!"
( You what! ) I exclaimed.
Iniss ignored me completely, which is SO against the beliefs I invented for him. He reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out a tiny box.
" I think she'll like it," said Iniss, sounding excited.
( You mean you hope she'll like it. ) I corrected.
" That too."
He opened the box, and I had to lean close to see what Iniss's gift, a.k.a impressing tactic, was.
I thought of a dozen of things it could be. But definitely not what it really was...
It was a gold stone. A ring! Where, where, where did Iniss possibly get enough money to be able to buy Visser One a gold stone ring! They cost like a million Yeerk Coins apiece!
( Whoa! ) I yelled, grabbing the box from my instantly rich P.A. ( Iniss! What the hell! )
" Aw, I borrowed the money from the Emperor," he said, smiling like a low-rank who got to wash the Blade ship. " He's such a nice guy!"
Iniss kept walking.
" Alright, now I'm going to the party." he said. " See you later, Visser! I'll bring you back a large piece of cake!"
( Whoa, whoa, whoa! ) I exclaimed.
I jumped in front of him and pushed him back.
( Just... Just hold on a second! ) I said. ( The Emperor gave you a million Yeerk Coins to buy Visser One a gold stone! Doesn't he want to buy Visser One a gold stone! This makes no sen )
" Actually..." Iniss scratched his head, looking embarrassed. " He kind of... doesn't know I took the money."
If I had a jaw, it would have dropped down to the floor. I felt like morphing to Lerdethak and ripping Iniss to shreds. Although he probably wouldn't be any good without barbecue sauce... Ah well.
( You stole a million Yeerk Coins from the Emperor, you freaky dapsen! ) I yelled in private thought-speak. ( Iniss, if I get fired because of you, your HEAD is going to get FIRED right off your shoulders! )
Iniss gulped. I turned around and walked away, throwing the gold stone ring back to my deranged personal assistant.
And then, not saying another word, I kept walking down the hall towards the party, leaving crackhead here behind...
I decided to morph to human before going to the party. Aren't I genius?
I used my Victor Trent morph, and not Jamie Kleine. Jamie Kleine was the guy I'd used for the HCF, so if I went in with that morph... we would have one screaming Visser One.
Now, sure, old Vicky wasn't as great... But he would do. I mean, having a nose as long as the Empire Ship wasn't half as bad as Visser One screaming her guts out in your face.
I morphed in the bathroom and then headed into the large room Visser One had reserved for her party. Large! It was freakin' gigantic! I counted five food and drink counters, a large stack of bark in the right-hand corner for the Hork-Bajir, and a bunch of grasslike foods and plants for her seriously weird P.A., T.E. the vegetarian Taxxon, who, I SWEAR, knows every single language in this arm of the galaxy. Plus English and Chinese.
I mean, the guy doesn't even have a Yeerk in his head! And he's CLEAN! He doesn't even smell half-bad! ... Not that I go around smelling people, but I swear he isn't a real Taxxon.
Okay, so back to Miss Multi-Millionaire's room... There were at LEAST a hundred tables for two, but only about ninety-nine for groups of three or four. All kinds of couples mates in pairs, friends, co-workers, siblings sat at the duo tables. There were also a few complete sets of Yeerk mates: Two males, one female, as it always is. Those sat at the tables for three. The tables for four were mostly taken by groups of friends or siblings. Or by Yeerks who have a very wrong image of the mating system.
There was music playing, too. Mostly Galard. Some Yeerk, though, too, and a few human songs Visser One picked up while she spent a whole year doing who-knows-what on Earth. The Yeerk music took a while to register since we were in hosts.
Galard is a very cool language, as you humans would say. It's all like "AYKA HIN!"! And "Kih", which means hello. The way to say hello in Yeerk is better, though: "Chiva"!
... Anyway, enough about literature. Because here came Visser One.
She walked into the room, chatting casually with her assistant T.E.. I was one of the first to see her, and I was surprised she didn't notice my incredible tree of a nose.
Some guy a guy I knew got up and walked toward Visser One. She went "Hi!" and almost ran him over. But he just smiled and wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tightly. I almost puked.
... Then I looked briefly back at the tables and saw like a thousand jealousy-ridden, angry guys...
Maybe I'd puke later, when there was no one to attack me with a pitchfork.
I turned back to Visser One and realized she was gone. So was the guy. But looking a bit aside, towards the left, I spotted him again. He had just completed a group of twelve by going to rejoin his friends.
His friends the Councilors.
The only one who wasn't with them was the Emperor. Whoever the Emperor is. See, nobody really knows. He changes hosts like every day.
But still, I was sure he was the missing member. Unless one of the Councilors got sick and decided to rule all the way to the john.
Whatever, this was my chance! My chance to prove to the world that I, Esplin Nine-Four-Double-Six, the prime, would be the next EMPEROR!
... Maybe my only chance...
I couldn't let it pass. I just couldn't! So, taking a deep breath, I started walking toward them...
" Councilors, Councilors..." I said as I took the last few steps.
This was going to work! They would embrace my genius and sign me up immediately for the post of Councilor. THEN, I'd finally be at a higher position than Visser One!
My DREAM would come true!
" Ah, if it isn't Visser Three," said a Councilor at the left, whom I immediately recognized as Councilor Eight. A.k.a the guy from the hugging scene.
My pitiful human jaw dropped.
" How... How did you know it was me!" I whispered.
" Oh come on," he sneered with very fake affection. " You think I wouldn't remember Vicky? ... Anyhow, you still keen for a promotion?"
" As always," I said, dropping the Vicky issue.
Now see, if there's a guy out there who drives me so insane I can't even think of a torture worthy of the dapsen, it would have to be Councilor Eight. I feel like smudging his face in rotten oatmeal every time I see him, okay! WHY do I hate that dapsen so much, you ask? Of course that's what you're asking... Of course. You damn humans always want to know WHY, don't you!
Okay, here's your why: This guy seems to think he's all that, for some reason. I mean, for OATMEAL'S SAKE, he's not even the Emperor!
... I swear, if Councilor Eight ever becomes the Emperor, I will personally frickin' KILL myself.
AAAAAAAANYWAY... Councilor Eight is the kind of Yeerk who thinks he's superior to everyone else. He's got an anger problem towards many people. I don't know how he ever got to his present rank... He's so frickin' obnoxious and self-absorbed. I mean, why would anyone ACT like that? I wouldn't, that's for sure! I guess I should just count myself lucky to be nothing like him.
Anyway, he hates me, too. And he thinks he's the single best. Next Emperor. An international phenomenon! Why? Two words: Visser. One.
Haven't we all heard this story, now! Frickin' aggravating, if you ask me: This guy starts drooling over Visser One, and follows her everywhere. Along with all those OTHER males. But mister International-Phenomenon-(My)-(Butt) wasn't like the other males. Oh no. Visser One starts flirting with him, and... BAM! They're official mates!
... And, since then, they've become pretty close... Well, so far, Councilor Eight's done a lot of what Iniss calls "human stuff" with her, about five hundred thousand times. And that's without counting all the times I wasn't spying!...
Uh-huh, I know I'm sick. What do you want?
" There's Visser One," said another human-Controller Councilor. " Whoa. Are those new?"
His mouth and eyes widened to the point where his fellow Councilor had to thwack him across the head.
" Snap out of it, Seldar!" he exclaimed. " It's never gonna happen."
I blinked twice, staring at the strange scene of a guy who expects WAY too much...
... Wait... What am I ...
Hum! Never... just never mind.
" ... You wanted?" asked Councilor Eight, annoyed.
" Oh yes!" I recalled loudly. " I wanted to explain why... that is, why I think you should promote me to the rank of Councilor!"
Councilor Eight sighed. " Well, let's hear it, then! I have to go see Visser One before she leaves again!"
I inhaled proudly. This was it!
" Alright," I said, smiling like a doaf, " There are at least five reasons why I should be a Councilor. Reason number one..."
I lifted up my hands and motioned to the top of my head.
" ... I have an Andalite host! I mean sure, he stinks... But that doesn't matter! I could spy for you! Andalites are great spies, you know."
The Councilors exchanged glances. It was working! I was getting to them!
" Reason number two! I know everything about Andalites! That should come in handy in the middle of a war with the Andalites!"
" Yeah, but we're not in a war with the Andalites right now." said that frickin' GEEK Councilor Eight. " We're trying to infest humans, remember?"
" We're trying to infest huuumans, remember?" I muttered under my breath, imitating Councilor Eight in the universe's biggest sneer.
" I have a question!" said a certain Mr. Loud-And-Nasal in the back.
" Uh-huh," I prodded.
" Do all your reasons have something to do with Andalites?"
" Eum, no. ANYWAY, reason number three..." I stepped over to an older human-Controller Councilor and took his hand in mine, " ... Councilor Eleven here is getting to be too old to continue his duties... The poor Yeerk. I'm sorry to say he'll need a replacement soon... And what better replacement than ME, ME, ME!"
" For oatmeal's sake, Yeerk!" Councilor Eight exclaimed, " He's only sixty-four! And from the looks of things, you aren't much younger!"
" Heh heh..." I said. " Well, at least I stay in shape!"
" Yeah, yeah." Councilor Eight, of course. " Reason four. Hurry up!"
" Right. Reason four... I like politics! I'm better at planning wars than fighting them. Honest!"
" Uh-huh, subordinate-killer." said Councilor Eight completely irrelevantly.
" Reason five..." I said through clenched teeth, " I am a GREAT leader! I can lead anything. ANYTHING, I tell you!"
" Well, he is great at giving orders," said Councilor Four, the only NICE Councilor. Thank oatmeal for him.
" Yeah..." said Councilor Eight. " I think we'll pass."
He motioned to his fellow Councilors, indicating to them to follow him.
" Come on, guys!" he said proudly. " Who wants to go see my awesome mate?"
" Meee..." said that guy Seldar, from a while ago," You frickin' lucky dapsen..."
So they all left, leaving ME behind! Uh-huh! I told you Councilor Eight was mad!
" Wait!" I yelled. " WAIT!"
The Councilors stopped and turned around impatiently.
" I... I have a... a... a?... a poem!" I finally blurted out.
Councilor Eight smirked. " Hold it, guys. This ought to be good..."
" Go ahead!" said Mr. Loud-And-Nasal, " I love spiritual souls...!"
Everyone sort of gave him the fish eye.
" WHAT!" he exclaimed.
" Okay, GO!" Councilor Eight snapped.
I took a deep breath, thinking hard... And then, suddenly, it just came to me! The perfect poem!
... If this didn't win them over, I don't know what would!
So, proud of myself, and slightly gassy too... Must've been the shrimp... I started reciting my wonderful masterpiece:
" A Councilor's life
Is a life of mine
You get to fight
You get to dine!
You get to drink
Oatmeal wine
Without being charged
A frickin' FINE!"
I smiled. The Councilors all stared at me.
" You're weeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiird." said Mr. Loud-And-Nasal.
Then, to my surprise, they turned around and kept walking! No, this just couldn't be! They had to promote me! They HAD TO!
" No, WAIT!" I screamed like an Andalite.
They turned around once again, raging...
... And in a last desperate attempt to win them over, I sang, on the tune of that human children's gospel song, "I am a Christian!":
" I am a C! I am a C-O! I am a C-O-U-N-C-I-L-O-R! And I have C-O-U-N-C-I-L in my H-E-A-R-T! And I want a P-R-O-M-O-T-I-O-N!"
I stopped singing and the echo vibrated throughout the room. When it died down, the whole room was silent. The only sound that could be heard was a Hork-Bajir in the corner of the room who, despite the silence, had continued imitating a chicken.
Everyone stared at me, unimpressed... I felt AWFULLY small for someone of my incredible power.
" Heh heh..." I said, embarrassed. " I had oatmeal?"
So that's how, two hours later, I finally broke out of the nuthouse.
See... hum! I guess the Councilors didn't react to my little ditty as well as I would have hoped...
They sent me to a facility for mentally challenged Yeerks. Well, let me just tell you... I think they made a mistake: My life has been plenty easy so far, and there was no challenge. So if they thought this place would be a challenge... Their brains must be melded! All you did here was listen to these people who asked you how many fingers they were holding up. And people, if you spend a whole day following a frickin' PEN with your eyes, you should be forced to move to the Andalite Homeworld, not come to a place that's supposed to be challenging.
So, not knowing why the HELL I was there, I stole a Dracon Beam and blew a hole in the floor. Then, equipped with Alloran's nutsoness, there I went, shooting down that damn hole at speeds the likes of nothing you've ever seen.
( WHEEEEEEE! ) Alloran, that frickin' imbecile, yelled in my head. I had no idea he could be so immature.
Suddenly, I hit the ground with a large THUMP. I definitely was not going back up there... So I blew enough holes through the left wall to make a tunnel and clear me from the facility.
( Fiou! ) I exclaimed. ( That was close. At least nothing went wro)
And then, even before I was able to finish my sentence, the entire facility behind me just blew up. Teaches me to open my large, nonexistant mouth. Ha ha, burn, Visser Three!
Well, at least I'm still in one piece... even though that won't last for long, with my stupid curse! ... But while it does, might as well make Alloran jump like a little girl... Hah... That always cheers me up in front of the mirror late at night...
And besides, those guys at the facility got what was coming to them! No one swings a pen around in front of MY face! Nobody!
Until my return,
Esplin 9466
P.S. - Twenty Yeerk Coins say Visser One and Councilor Eight are up to something right now... I'm off to spy!
NEXT CHAPTER: Visser Three goes back to the past (not literally) and tells the story
about how he met and hired his P.A., Iniss.
Please review!