AUTHOR: Akay
DISCLAIMER: They all belong to Joss
RATING: PG. It was kinda NC-17 in one part, but I toned it down for ffnet
DISTRIBUTION: My site Wtss. Or please ask first.
SUMMARY: Future ficlet. Buffy and Angel got their happily ever after, but what happens when Angel leaves and Buffy is left with nothing?
DEDICATION: To Cathy, just cause she's such a wonderful friend.
FEEDBACK: I would love some, so please
AN: If it's not obvious italics are Angel
AN 2: I don't think I even need to warn you guys anymore, but this is angsty. I know, I'm depressing, I can't help it!
You think that this is easy? That this is something I can bear? Well then that just goes to show that you don't know me at all. And I never thought I'd hear myself say that. I thought of all people you knew me best. I thought you cared.
I guess I was wrong.
I thought I could turn to you at my darkest hour. I thought you would love me unconditionally. But I guess someone else can come along and change that, can't they?
I know I shouldn't sit here and complain. I should be glad, thankful even. I had you for a while there. It wasn't long, but it was something. I had you and I loved you with everything I had. Maybe it wasn't enough, or maybe I just wasn't enough for you.
It's funny that when I think back to those days even though the heartbreak is palpable, the sweet, innocent moments still leave me breathless. Your long strong fingers entwined with mine, your hard frame against mine. And those lips. I could write a book full of detailed descriptions of how a slow and gentle kiss from them would set me on fire. Then again I could write an epic on our love making.
But now, I guess I'm meant to forget. To close my eyes, shake my head, and push thoughts of you away. To howl in pain when you wont leave my dreams, and to bleed and cry when your voice haunts me.
I can't breathe. I try, but I can't. I remember how it's done but my body refuses to. It's just easier if I give in. I'm tired of fighting; it's all I've ever done. Hunt, kill, and watch everything die around me. Demons, my mother, and now you.
Damn you for leaving me. Damn you for staying at the same time. You're always here… always here. My heart, my soul, my blood. How did you do it? How did you worm your way inside and why do you now refuse to leave?
I can't do this anymore. I can't. Angel please, go, leave me. I can't take the dreams, and I can't keep replaying your voice over and over. I don't want this. I can't live with the memories. I can't it hurts. Oh God it hurts so much.
Angel.
Even your name tears at me from the inside out. An-gel. I can't keep saying it, and it just kills me inside.
An-gel.
Then again, I'm already dead.
What? You thought I'd survive this, you thought I'd be alright? Well again you thought wrong. Stupid, stupid An-gel.
Do you remember the way I said your name? I don't. Not really. You told me once it drove you crazy, with need, with lust. Do you remember when I used tosay it constantly? When I would whisper it in the throws of passion?
It was my lips against your ear. An-gel, An-gel, AN-GEL!
I can't stop it; I can't get it out of my mind. You're never going to leave me, and I just can't breathe. I can't eat, sleep, I can't do anything but replay our every moment together.
It makes it harder you know. And the more I do it, the more obvious it seems that I'll never get past this. That I'll never get past you.
I know what you want. The house, the kids, the car, the pool, and the dog. But that's insane. Because it's not going to happen. Not without you.
Without you...
Oh God, that's my life now. No eating, no sleeping, no breathing, always without you.
An-gel
No, An-gel.
See what happens when you let someone else come between us. See what you've done to me? I don't understand it, wasn't I good enough? Wasn't I all you needed? Wasn't I the one you were meant to follow?
I thought so.
But you didn't. You turned your back on me, again. And this time there's no chance, no sliver of hope left for me. You walked away by his side. With his long, eerily, still in the wind, cloak hanging from his frail shoulders. His white face a contrast to that cloak. His decayed hands leading you away from me.
And you willingly followed.
No stop. I don't want to hear why. Please, I can't keep hearing your voice when you're not here. Why, why do you insist on torturing me? An-gel please, please stop.
Please?
As usual, you have to have your way. You have to tell me it was for my own good. That had you not have given in and handed your self to death's cracked and shattered hands, or should I just say bones? I mean there's no flesh there. Just plain old milky white… and look at me getting off track here. Anyway where was I? Oh right. Had you not given into him, I would have died. It was my time and you did it to spare me.
Well watch as I sit here and applaud you. Watch as I sit here, and push away food, push away sleep, and refuse to breathe. Watch as I push everything away because I don't have the only ting that made me want any of it.
Your love.
What's that you say? I still have it? Well An-gel, it's not enough. I need you here. Not watching over me. I mean what's there to watch?
There's no eating, there's no sleeping, no breathing, nothing. Come on, you can't honestly say that's all that exciting, can you?
Move on, be happy.
Oh you've got to be kidding me right? There's no way. Because there's nothing left to give. You took it all, so please, again, spare me.
Stop fighting me
Shut up.
Beloved
Don't call me that! You took away your right. Why? Because YOU LEFT ME? How could you An-gel, how could you? You told me you loved me, you promised me everything. But that's bullshit because you've left me here with nothing!
That's it, get it out.
SHUT UP! You don't tell me what to do anymore. You don't say things like that and expect me to just say all that's needs to be said so I can move on. Because it's not gonna happen An-gel. I'll never move on. Tomorrow offers me nothing. But yesterday. Yesterday held everything for me.
I know.
You know nothing, An-gel, because if you knew you would be here. You would be holding me. But you're not, and I just don't know how to come to terms with that. I love you Angel. And this love is more than anything I've ever known. Oh God Angel, this loves killing me and I don't want to stop it. I want to let it take me whole.
Shhh...
So what I can't cry now? I can't bleed? How do I make the tears stop, how do I heal these wounds?
Time.
No, no. Time makes you seem further away from me. I can't handle that. I wasn't built to handle life without you. I love you Angel.
I love you.
Then make it better. Come back, heal me. Make me eat, make me sleep, breathe life back inside me. Please...
You know I can't.
Why? I'm so lost Angel, please tell me why? I don't understand.
You do.
I DON'T!
Buffy…
Oh God, stop. Please not my name, don't say my name. It hurts the most; it sucks the life right out of me. Say anything. Tell you hate me, that you never loved me, just please don't say my name.
Sleep baby.
Baby? Angel, baby. I need you. I need you.
In your dreams my love.
Then as much as it hurts, as much as I can't bare the thought of tomorrow, I'll sleep, I'll dream. Anything to find you. But promise me something. When I wake up and face a day without you. Don't be mad when I don't eat, don't be mad when I find it hard to breathe.
I know, I know. Don't say it.
One thing at a time.
END