Visser Three's Diary
(I don't own Animorphs)
A/N: Hey y'all! Yet another chapter up and ready! Hope you haven't missed me too much! (people laughing and saying 'Yeah right!' in the background) ... Shut up. Okay, I know I haven't updated in a while, but I worked REAL HARD on this chapter! So please, when you're done reading, review! I'd really appreciate it. Okay? Okay.
Chapter 6 - Truth or Dare, Part One
July Sixth
Entry six
Dear Diary,
Yesterday, I was invited to yet another celebration. It wasn't a birthday, it was just sort of a friends' gathering. A nice, quiet evening organized by Councilor Four, whom I know quite well.
The day after Visser One's birthday party (four days ago), all we forty-seven Vissers had to go to Visser One's Empire Ship for a couple weeks to attend the biannual Visser-Council reunions. The twelve Councilors and the Emperor would also be present, of course, implying the "Council" part of Visser-Council.
So, considering the Empire Ship belongs to Visser One, and that Visser One is my worst enemy, you can probably understand why I wasn't as hyped up as everyone else about spending two weeks on the ship. A.k.a. in Visser One's territory, with all of her brain-dead, weirdo followers.
Well at least there were still the rare NICE people, like Councilor Four. I thought I'd died and gone to heaven when he invited me to his gathering and saved me from intense boredom.
But let's start from the beginning...
I first got the invitation while Visser One and I were having a really bad fight. Why, you ask? Well, Iniss was trying to spy on her while she was taking a shower, but he was sitting right on a ceiling vent, and, as you must have guessed... the vent caved in and Iniss fell on the ground right next to the shower... As soon as Visser One was dressed and put her hair in a nice ponytail, which took about fifteen minutes (more like hours), she barged right in here, practically shooting me with her fully-loaded Dracon Beam, and started yelling at me. Yeah! Me! That crazy woman can't even tell the difference between me and my freaky, mentally disturbed P.A.!
" Oh nice." she said, angry as hell. " So now you're sending your personal assistant to take pictures!"
Can you believe this? She thought I wanted to spy on her, not Iniss! I quickly pointed out to Ms. Deranged that Iniss is madly in love with her (while Iniss was tomato-red and shaking his head like a freaking lunatic), but then she started yelling at me for thinking she was stupid, and I had problems, and this and that and whatever the hell reason.
And then, that mad, crazy Yeerk started throwing the entire contents of my room at me. So I fought back, of course, and soon we were just completely raging at each other! Fun day, huh? Geez, living in a female human host for so long must have caused that PMS stuff to rub off on Visser One. Not that Visser One didn't always have PMS. Or something similar, anyway.
You think that's bad? It gets WORSE. During the whole time, Iniss was crying in a corner, like the little kid whose parents are yelling in his presence. Not that Visser One is Iniss's mom. Considering his feelings for her (which he yaps about like 24/7), that would be quite disturbing.
But in any case, you can pretty much imagine how happy and relieved I was when my computer console suddenly shouted out "You've got MAIL!". Now, in ordinary situations, the whole "You've got MAIL!" thing is actually quite annoying. But this time around, it was like a call from the heavens.
As soon as I heard the joyous, heavenly beeping, I threw one last jar of Iniss's cocktail stew at Visser One's head and rushed to the good old computer console. I pressed a button and the message popped up in front of us on my 3D hologram displayer.
Curious, Visser One wiped a drop of cocktail stew from her cheek and came over to see what was up. Iniss, equally curious, finally got up out of his corner and stopped bawling like an Andalite bandit (HALLELUJA!). He walked casually over and stood beside Visser One. But I, of course, was not fooled. Maybe if Iniss got lucky, a hair off Visser One's head might fall out and he'd be able to do whatever he wants with it. But other than that, he was just fooling himself.
" What is it?" Visser One asked.
I shrugged sincerely. She looked closer at the message scribbled across the huge three dimensional screen. It was nothing but a whole bunch of incomprehensible blabber. Even for me. And with my Andalite host, I have NO language barriers. Heh. I love using Alloran for my own great purposes.
Visser One frowned. What did I do now? I hate it when she just won't stop being ANNOYED! It's fun to annoy her, but when I don't WANT her to be annoyed, it's just annoying, you know!
She laughed and shook her head like she just couldn't believe how dumb I was.
" I just can't believe how dumb you are," Visser One said loudly.
( What on the Yeerk Homeworld did I do now?)I asked.
She looked at me like I was a big dope.
" Esplin, you big dope..." she reached over to the control pad and pressed a few buttons. " See that? You have to put it in reading format, duh."
( Well geez, Visser One! ) I exclaimed, slightly offended. ( You know how often I use this thing? With all the time I have to spend in the frickin' bathroom with this gosh darn host, if I get twenty minutes a week it's a plus! )
" ... Gosh darn?" asked Visser One.
( Did I say that? ) I yelled. ( Damn Iniss got it stuck in my head! Iniss, from now on every time you say 'gosh darn', I'm going to hire Visser One here to slap you to death. )
" She'll touch me?" exclaimed Iniss.
( She'll wear gloves. )I said quickly. ( Hard metal gloves. )
" Do I get to keep the gloves?"
( NO! )
" Y-Yes Visser!"
" Actually..." said Visser One. " I won't. Why should I do anything for a dapsen like you!"
( I'll pay you. )I said.
She placed her hands on her hips and leaned slightly forward.
" I already get paid enough for all the other services I perform around here," she said, waving a five-hundred coin in front of my face.
( ... I'm not even going to ask. ) I said, slightly appalled.
So that's how she got so rich...
" Yeah, she appears in the Yeerk Bulletin almost every day!" Iniss said a bit shyly. " ... I've had all the copies since I was twenty-two."
( That's not the only thing, I'm sure. ) I added.
Visser One glared me down.
" Okay, just read the frickin' message!" she exclaimed.
The message! I had completely forgotten about it! I turned back to the console and started reading it aloud.
( Let's see... It says: Hello Visser Three! This is Councilor Four. I just wanted to let you know that you're invited to a friends' gathering tonight organized by me... )
" You have friends?" Visser One cut in with yet another irrelevant comment.
( Shut up. Anyway, eum... arrive at my room at seven o'clock, feel free to bring a guest if you wish, and the party ends whenever we feel like it. Hope to see you there! )
" Interesting." Visser One. Her eyes averted, then set on the message. " Look, there's a P.S."
( P.S., ) I read. ( Is Visser One in there? If so, I tried to invite you but you've been gone all day... Are you there? That'd be surprising, but whatever. Worth a try. See you, Visser Three, and Visser One if by some miracle you're in Visser Three's room. )
" Ha ha, funny..." muttered Iniss, trying not to be too audible.
" Oye," sighed Visser One. " Slightly embarrassing P.S... Anyway, bye dapsens, I'm off to get ready for the gathering."
She turned around and left the room, walking like some sort of supermodel. Maybe it was due to the fact that she thought Councilor Eight would be at the gathering and was high on cloud nine wondering what she was going to wear. Or maybe it was just because at first glance she actually does seem to be a supermodel... but whatever it was, I decided, for everyone's safety, that it was best not to bring Iniss along. I didn't want him yapping my freaking ears off about how hot Visser One looked, or even worse, attacking Councilor Eight with a pitchfork and getting ME kicked all the way out of the Empire and left behind on the Andalite Homeworld... Shudder
Anyway, since it was now four thirty, thanks to Visser One, who wasted almost an hour and a half of my life... I decided to yell at Iniss, order him to lock himself in his room while I was gone, and make a fabulous early entrance at the friends' gathering! Answer to your Imaginary Question One: No, I'm not gay. I just use the word fabulous because I forgot its synonym. Answer to your Imaginary Question Two: Yeah... you guessed. I'm not going there early for all the 'grand entrance' shit. I just got nothing else to do, so what the hey!
... What the HEY!... INISS!
I. Am going. To kill him.
Okay! Forget about Iniss, Visser Three! I reminded myself. You have to get ready for the friends' gathering!
I stormed off into my room and suddenly got all hyper as I leaped onto my bed and started jumping like a madman. Oh no! Alloran was trying to control his body! ... Heh. I hadn't had this much fun in years! ... Or at least in a few weeks.
Knock knock.
" Visser Three?" I heard Visser One's voice from next door.
I stopped jumping as some random spring decided it would be a good idea to break. I fell onto the ground, rolling to soften the blow.
Heh... I laughed.
" Visser THREE!"
(Whaaaaat! ) I demanded.
" Should I wear shorts or a skirt?"
( Training shorts? )
" YES, Visser Three!" she said sarcastically, " I'm gonna go wear TRAINING SHORTS at a friends gathering! Yeah. Mm-hmm! Not likely!"
( I still say shorts. )
" Okay then, I'll wear a skirt. Thanks!"
( No prob. )
I concentrated on deciding which human morph I was going to pick. I could use Vicky, but his Dracon cannon of a nose might knock something expensive over and I'd get kicked out. There was also Jeremy Blight, but he has an annoying vision problem. Then there's Aria, but you know what? She's not exactly a GUY! I'd have to like borrow Visser One's extra skirt, which would NOT be fun... So yeah, that's basically all my human morphs! Okay, Jamie Kleine, you're up! Attractive, handsome, and with those piercing eyes that are SO the type of eyes I should have. Yeah! And no way do I care if Visser One looks at me funny the whole time. She always looks at me as if I were a rotten Andalite excrement, so why should this bother me?
" Visser Three?"
( What now? )
" Should I wear my red one-sleeve or my gold halter?"
( Your gold halter. )
" Alright, so I'll wear the red -- wait... Damn you!"
( Yeah... Now you'll look like you're on my side! )
" Arr... So I guess you made a good FIRST choice. Gold halter it is."
( Ha ha. )
" Shut up."
Hah, I love messing with her nonexistant brain...
Anyway, making sure nothing was burning or anything, I set off for... my front door. Fun life, eh?
Once I left my room, I realized it didn't take all that long to get to Councilor Four's gathering. It was just one flight of stairs up (yeah, there are STAIRS here. In a SHIP!). But, of course, knowing my incredible laziness, I decided to take the air lift.
... So that's how I ended up in front of Councilor Four's door, two and a half hours early, ringing the buzzer. Over and over... and over... again.
Bzzzzzz.
And we wait. One minute. Two minutes...
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
( Ohhhhh, Councilor Four! )
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
( Answer the door! )
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
( Councilor Four! It's me, Visser Three! Open up! )
BZZZZZZZZZZ!
BANG BANG!
( ANSWER, DAMN YOU! )
Suddenly, the door slid open. I regained my nice-little-visser pose, still in Andalite form (hence the thought-speak) of course. Councilor Four was standing in the doorframe, looking like hell just froze over.
( Surprise! ) I exclaimed.
" Visser Three." said Councilor Four. " It's four forty in the afternoon. I said SEVEN!"
( Yay! ) I exclaimed, bounding into the room. ( Pillows pillows pillows pillows! )
Councilor Four rolled his eyes.
" So much for my nap..." he muttered, closing the door behind him.
We waited a looooooooong time for all the guests to show up. We sat around and talked, mostly. Talked about a lot of things. About our lives as high-ranking Yeerks. About events of the day. About our dumb old P.A.s. And, of course, as it never fails, about Visser One. About how incredibly attractive she is. And, in my case, about how incredibly annoying she can get.
But anyhow, as soon as everyone arrived, we sat in a sort of circle on the ground with pillows. My idea. I don't know what's up with me and pillows. They're just WICKED!
But soon... Soon I noticed there was something missing. Something I usually notice missing, too. And I knew exactly what it was.
" Guys, where's Visser One?" I asked everyone with my newly acquired human mouth. " She's supposed to be here, right?"
" Why, do you miss her?" asked a certain particular dapsen we know as Visser Four. " Awww... Isn't that sweet. Visser Three misses his little --"
" Yeah, she is kind of late, isn't she?" Councilor Four cut in, completely ignoring Visser Four.
" Not that I care." I said quickly. " I'm just wondering if she chickened out on wearing that skirt."
" She's wearing a skirt?" about five guys asked at once.
" Yeah, unless she chickened out." I said.
" I still say he misses her." Visser Four smirked.
I was about to reply when suddenly, the door swung open. No warning, no buzz, no nothing. She just whipped open the door and walked in, wearing... heh... a gold halter top and a short black skirt. Aren't I good?
" Visser One, glad you're here!" sad Councilor Four.
" Yeah, well... Sorry I'm late," Visser One apologized, smiling a little sheepishly at Councilor Four. " I had to go pay a little visit to Councilor Eight. He's been sick all week. Can't even control his left arm. So yeah, it took a little longer than I thought... But now I'm here!"
She sat down, relaxed, resting her arm on a pillow and crossing her legs in front of her. Her hair was down, perfectly shiny. I guess she decided to take out the ponytail. How many tiny decisions does she make every day, anyway?
Anyhow, after Visser One arrived, a sort of awkward silence settled in. Councilor Seven was the one to break it about five minutes later, asking in a shy voice:
" Soooo... What should we do?"
Visser One looked at him and shrugged.
" We could practice combat," she said.
I sighed. With Visser it's always something that has anything to do with military training... I decided, for everyone's sake, that it was best to disagree.
" And break Councilor Four's exquisite lamps?" I asked. " I don't think so."
Visser One looked at me. Then her eyes widened as she realized what morph I was in... and quickly looked away.
" We could play spin the bottle!" said Councilor Seven hopefully.
" Eu, no." said Visser One.
" Or we could do something else," Councilor Seven added quickly.
Silence settled in once again. This one lasted for about twenty seconds, before Councilor Four made yet another suggestion:
" We could have a karaoke contest," he said. " You know, like the humans do? I have plenty of disks in Galard."
" Yeeeeeeeaaaah..." I said digustedly, recalling my disturbing adventure at the HCF. " Let's not."
Visser Four suddenly smirked. I looked at him, preparing to kill him if he made even the slightest smide remark about the HCF. But he didn't. Not even close.
And what he did say turned out to be even worse...
" I know!" he said. " ... Let's play truth or dare."
For some reason, he looked at Visser One. Soon, everyone else did, too... Besides ME, of course.
Councilor Four smiled a bit dumbly and nodded.
" Great idea, Visser Four!" he exclaimed. " Let's definitely play truth or dare."
Visser One looked at everyone and frowned.
" Okay. Okay, why is everyone looking at me?" she asked. " Stop looking at me."
They all just stared.
" I SAID STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!"
Everyone snapped out of it and quickly looked elsewhere.
" Okay, so... who starts?" I asked with the mouth I had in human morph, trying to break the awkward silence that had settled in.
" Well," said Councilor Four, " I know it's my birthday... but since it was Visser Four's idea to play this game, I see it only fitting that he should start."
That dapsen Visser Four had such a big smirk on his face when Councilor Four said that...
... That you can definitely understand why I couldn't help but gulp largely when I realized he was looking at me.
" Alright, then," he said gleefully. " It was very honorable of you to let me go first, Councilor, and since you've insisted... Visser Three, truth or dare?"
I took a deep breath. What should I do? I knew Visser Four had something awful planned for me...
... But I was not a chicken!
" Dare, of course!" I said arrogantly.
" MWAHAHA!" laughed Visser Four. " You fell directly into my trap!"
" ... Just say the dare, Visser Four." I insisted.
" Okay, if you say so! You poor dapsen..." he laughed. " Visser Three, you hate Visser One, don't you?"
Oh no! He wouldn't.
Eeeeek... Yeah, he would!
" Yes, as you all know," I replied.
" Of course you do." said Visser Four. " So that's why, Visser Three, I dare you to passionately human kiss her for two minutes."
Everyone gasped. Especially me.
" OOOOOOOOHHHH...!" said some frickin' geek toward the back of the room.
" WHAT!" Visser One, obviously.
" You... You're joking, I hope..." I said nervously. " Hah hah! Very, very funny Visser Four."
" No, I'm not kidding." said that incredible, HORRIBLE dapsen, " I want to see if you're too afraid to do it! And Visser One, sorry about this... Hey, if you want, we can go to this week's club party together, to make it up to you."
Visser One crossed two dapsen signs with her fingers, glaring daggers at Visser Four.
" You wish, you disturbing freak!" she said icily. " Oh, and Visser Four, sorry about that... Hey, if you want, after Visser Three's done his dare, I can Dracon Beam you in the head, to make it up to you!"
I wasn't really paying attention to any of this, you know. I was a lot more preoccupied with my dare...
One day, all these people are going to end up killing me...
Now, in normal times, I would have just refused. But anyone who has ever played this game with high-ranked Yeerks knows that the chickens (you know, the stunts you have to pull off if you're brave enough to refuse a dare) are cursed. Example: Councilor Four told me that once, on the Homeworld, he'd refused to knock on the Emperor's door and yell for mustard-flavored oatmeal, and his chicken was to go outside in broad daylight, wearing nothing but pink undies and a thinking cap, and run around the Empire Building waving the Andalite flag... He had some serious explaining to do after that. And trust me, I did not want to go there.
" ... Alright, I accept," I sighed, glaring my eyes out at Visser Four.
" Huh?" asked Visser Four, taken aback by my agreement.
" Did I hear that right?" exclaimed Visser One, almost as nervous as I was. Emphasizing the 'almost'.
" Yeah," I said. " I mean, I don't want to have to end up doing one of those frickin' cursed chickens..."
" Have it your way," said Visser Four, smirking like a Skrit Na.
I almost jumped up and pounded him. But I didn't dare, with all the demotion-capable Councilors here.
" Why didn't you dare me to kiss her?" whined Councilor Seven, a.k.a Seldar from Visser One's birthday party, a.k.a the guy whose room Visser One and I decided to steal after the HCF... Which, by the way, is not leaving this diary.
Of course, neither the Councilors nor Visser Four knew anything about our little oatmeal-filled incident at the HCF. So they could not possibly understand how thick the tension between Visser One and I became when Visser Four dared me to kiss her.
But unfortunately... I would still have to do it! Oh WHY, you dumb old creator? WHY?
Visser Four shot an incredibly evil look at his watch.
" Okay..." he smirked. " Three. Two. One. Go."
Please review if you want me to continue!