If Love Were Enough

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

A/N: This is set during episode 2x6 "Into You Like a Train."

LA lights never shine quite as bright as in the movies.
Still wanna go?
'Cause something here in the way
In the way that we're constantly moving
Reminds you of home.
So you're takin' these pills in order to fill up your soul
And drinking them down with cheap alcohol
And I'd be inclined to yours for the takin'
And part of this terrible mess that you're makin'
But me, I'm the catalyst.
Derek Shepherd walked into the attending's locker room. Today was quite possibly the hardest day of his life both personally and professionally. He could still see her face, still hear her voice. Bonnie's words cut to his very soul. She was his moment of clarity. Derek felt tremendous guilt and sadness as he listened to what Bonnie wanted him to tell her fiancée. That's when he had made his decision. He had to stay with Addison, he just had to. There was no other choice.

Before last night, Derek felt that their marriage was over. There was nothing to discuss. They had drifted apart and now it was time for them all to move on. He was going to be with Meredith and she was going back to New York. It was that simple and that straightforward. But life is never that simple or that straightforward.

As Bonnie spoke to him thoughts began to spin in Derek's mind. If Addison were in this position, if she knew she was going to die, what would she say? If Addison was on this table, how would he feel? And if Addison was dead, what would he do? Derek could not imagine living in a world without Addie. Until tonight, he had taken for granted that she would always be there. They saw life and death every minute of every day, but until last night it had never been more real. It had never been so close to him personally as a human being.

Talking to Danny almost undid him. Never before had Derek Shepherd almost cried in front of a family member of a patient. He had on occasion been emotional about a patient in private. But never publicly and never in front of a colleague. He could not even bring himself to look at the younger man because it caused so much pain. Until last night, Derek wasn't aware of how deeply he loved Addison. He knew that he still loved her, but he wasn't sure if it was enough. He still wasn't sure if it was enough.

But the fact remained that he loved Addison more than life. Looking at Danny told him that. The other man's eyes spoke of shock and pain, but they also said something else. They said, "I wish it was me." And in that moment, Derek knew. He knew that he had to try to work it out. He still could not forgive her for what she had done. But they were family. They had been together for almost 20 years and married for 11. He had to give it another shot. He was obligated to try again. But obligation aside, his heart implored him to try again.

That's why he chose Addison over Meredith. He cared for Meredith a great deal, but his love for Addison ran much deeper than that. And there was no denying that no matter how angry and hurt Derek was.

When you say love
Mmhhm
Is a simple chemical reaction,
Can't say I agree.
'Cause my chemicals
Yeah
Left me a beautiful disaster
Still love's all I see.

So I'm takin' these pills in order to fill up my soul
And drinking them down with cheap alcohol
And you'd be inclined to mine for the takin'
And part of this terrible mess that I'm makin'
But you, you're the catalyst.

"Derek?" said a voice breaking his reverie.

Derek looked up, "Addie, what are you doing here?"

Addison shut the door behind her, "I ran into Miranda. She told me about your patient. I'm sorry."

"Thanks."

"Is there anything I can do?" she asked sitting across from him somewhat tentatively.

"I saw you in her."

Addison frowned, "What?"

"When my patient told me what she wanted me to tell her fiancée I saw you in her. All I could think was, "What if this was Addie?"

"Derek, I'm not going anywhere," she said moving next to him. But she was afraid to touch him.

"She told me to tell him that if love was enough, she would still be here," his throat tightened. "But it wasn't enough and yet I'm still here, we're still here."

Addison nodded, "Yes, we are," she said and put her hand on his arm.

"I need you Addison," he said his voice ragged. "Despite my best efforts trying to forget you and to hate you, I need you."

"You want me to stay?'

He nodded, "We've been together for 20 years. I'm obligated to try to work this out," he said feeling her stiffen at the word "obligated." "But more than that I need to try for myself, I don't want to have any regrets." He paused. "So I choose you."

"Derek—," She started but he cut her off.

"Just so we're clear, this doesn't mean I've forgiven you. I don't know if I ever will. But I'm willing to try."

"That's all I ask."

"So how was your night?"

"I delivered a healthy baby boy at 3:30 this morning."

"From the train wreck?"

"Yeah."

Derek looked at her, his eyes looked so sad, "I almost cried in front of the family. He didn't even get to say goodbye. I don't want it to end that way with us."

"It won't," she said and pulled him into her arms. He didn't pull away. Instead, Derek Shepherd allowed himself to cry in his wife's arms. And Addison let him. They sat there for a long time before Derek pulled away and to Addison's surprise, kissed her very gently. Then he stood up and began to get changed.

You'll be the thing
You'll be the pain
You'll be the star
You'll be the road, rolling below
The wheels of a car
And all of the thoughts, oh god
 Don't know if I'm strong enough now
You'll be the thing
You'll be the pain
 You'll be the Catalyst
An hour later, Addison and Derek Shepherd left Seattle Grace together walking out into the bright September morning. As they walked Addison slipped her arm into Derek's. When they got to the car, he opened the door for her. As Derek got in, he thought back to what Bonnie had said. Maybe love was strong enough for death. But maybe, just maybe it would be enough to keep them together.

These LA lights
No no
They don't shine as quite as bright as back in 'Frisco.
Do you wanna go?
Still wanna go?

Lyrics- "Catalyst" Anna Nalick.

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