A/N: Hey everyone! I know you've been waiting for this… Well, you better be happy! I did practically this whole chapter in the space of three hours! I worked hard! (proud face) Hope you like it! (P.S. – You may want to re-read Chapter Six first, since this is part two.) Enjoy! This chapter may not be quite as funny as the others. It's still funny, just not as funny. But don't worry, the humor's not gone. Not at all! It's just that this particular chapter wasn't supposed to be all that funny. I'm sure you'll like it anyway. I know I do (!)!
For Concrete Angel, Edriss and all the other Closet Fans in the world (thanks for the e-mail, Edriss! If you don't know what a Closet Fan is, read the reply I sent you).
Flaming Freak of Boredom: Thanks for the e-mail!
Visser Three's Diary
Chapter 7: Truth or Dare, Part Two
Still July 6th
Entry seven
Dear Diary,
… Ahem. Sorry about the little cut-off. I have my reasons… What are they, you ask? WHY DO YOU DAMN DAPSENS WANT TO KNOW! IT NOT LIKE LIFE OR DEATH OR SOMETHING!
… Yeeeeah. Alloran's intestinal problems were bothering me and I had to go use the Andalite toilet. For ten minutes. And then when I came out I realized Iniss had stolen my oatmeal stash (again) and ate it all. Then I had quite the Iniss-beating to do… And the entire time, the dapsen was singing a crazy, probably oatmealized human song that went along the lines of… "Visser Three and Visser One, sitting in a TREE! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"
Unfortunately for the poor, oatmeal-filled dapsen, I CAN spell! And then… well… Let's just say Iniss was "in for it", as humans say. I won't go into the details of what I did to him after that. It was too gruesome… But let's just say the poor slave could hardly move an inch for about a week afterwards…
Anyway. Back to today's recital which was RUDELY INTERRUPTED! (Cough InissCOUGH!)…
… That's about all of the friends' gathering you need to know. Now, today! What I did today. Now that is a FAR more interesting…
What?
Why do you want to know more? It's not like you really have to know… You humans and your "natural curiosity"… Speaking of that! GET OUT OF MY FREAKING DIARY!
… Okay okay. Just a joke, already! Seems your "natural curiosity" has blinded your "sense of humor"!
Yes, fine. I will tell you, Diary, not the humans, all about the fateful kiss of death…
… What? Of course I accepted! I wasn't just about to let Visser Four talk me into doing a chicken! … And besides… kissing Visser One could give me sort of an edge of control on my fellow Vissers and even the Councilors. Plus it would make Councilor Eight mighty jealous! Nyeh heh heh…
Never mind how I know that.
Anyway, back to the story…
ZOOMING BACK IN TO THE ROOM OF ULTIMATE DOOM (COUGH!SorryCouncilorFour!COUGH!)…
Where were we? Oh yeah. We were at the part where Visser Four said:
" Three. Two. One. Go."
Visser One looked at me, giving Visser Four the dapsen sign in the process.
" Why do we do these things!" I squeaked, looking up at the ceiling while trying very hard not to blush myself out of the host.
I sort of inched myself forward, dreading the two minutes that were to come. Visser One sort of inched forward as well, her eyes wondering why the hell I had accepted this weirdo madman stunt.
Then, suddenly, we were right in front of each other.
" When we get the hell out of this room…" I whispered in her ear. " This never, ever happened."
" Oh, like you had to tell me!" she spat back angrily.
" Come on." I told her, sort of reassuring myself in the process. " Let's do it. I want to get this over with."
Visser One gave me a toxic look.
" Oh I'll bet," she muttered sarcastically.
" Come on!" Visser Four. " Tic toc, tic toc!"
" Look, dumbo," I snapped, holding out my hands. " If you want to publicly embarrass me, we do it on my own time!"
I turned back to Visser One.
" You're really mean." Councilor Four said lamely in my defense.
" Hey, I know!" Visser Four replied proudly.
Visser One and I sort of looked awkwardly at each other for a moment, then Visser One exploded.
" Geez, you dapsen!" she exclaimed. " Get. It. Over with! If you're not going to do it, then I will!"
" Feel free!" I snapped.
And with that, Visser One leaned in close and locked our lips together.
" Whoo HOO!" the geek in the back said.
" Ah yeah…" said Councilor Seven.
" Funny…" Visser Two muffled a laugh.
" Passionately!" Visser Four exclaimed. " I said passionately!"
I then told Visser Four something extremely rude. But, since I was kind of busy at the moment… hum! … all anyone else heard was " Mmm hmu, mm mmuhim mmhmm!"
Unfortunately, people indeed took the comment the wrong way…
" He's liking it," said Visser Two.
" I wish I was him…" Councilor Seven moaned.
" What'd he say? I think he asked for an extended sentence." said the incredible retard which is Visser Four.
" MM MM!" Visser One and I both practically yelled, shaking our heads frantically.
" Well that's what's gonna happen if you don't do it PASSIONATELY!" Visser Four shrieked like an Andalite.
" Mmhmm, mmhmm!" I shot back. Translation: "Okay, okay!"
" NOW! Or else it's FIVE minutes!" Visser Four warned.
I practically had to pry Visser One's mouth open. I took her face in my hands and realized abruptly that her cheeks were burning with embarrassement.
Oh geez, can people see this! I screamed interiorly. If Visser One's embarrassed, then we all know I am!
I tried to calm down a little. It wasn't very hard. I just had to sort of lose myself in the moment, you know? Like the HCF. That's it! Like the HCF. Pretend you're at the Human Culture Fest, Visser Three!
Recalling the moment, it wasn't exactly half bad. It was like I was alone in the room. I was still kissing my worst enemy, sure, but no one was there with us. The humiliation was gone. Visser Four? Visser Four who?
We kissed, deeper and deeper. The rest of the world became locked out. That is… locked out until someone had the incredible nerve to play with the lock…
" Visser Three?" I heard a voice. " You can stop now."
" Visser Three?" Councilor Four. " … You're starting to worry me."
I opened my eyes. And instantly, everything came rushing back in to my mind, overflowing my system.
I looked around. I was on the floor. Now why was I –
" YAAAAAAAHH!" Visser One screamed shrilly.
I looked at her. She was right there, laying on the floor beside me.
" Holy…!" I jumped up.
Visser One's cheeks went blood red. She sat up, breathing heavily. She straightened out her long black hair and her shirt.
" Was… was that two minutes?" I demanded.
Councilor Four looked at me, trying not to laugh.
" No, dopehead, that was three." Visser Four remarked. " I decided… you know… since you were having so much fun…"
I practically leaped at him.
" Just you wait…" I muttered.
" Okay, okay, enough!" smiled Councilor Four, amused. " Since you were dared last, Visser Three, you get to ask someone now."
" Me?" I asked, still a little disoriented.
I shot a glance at Visser One, still red and humiliated and looking down at the ground. I sort of felt a little sorry for her at that moment. See, I knew she was feeling the same way as me…
" Alright…" I said kind of sinisterly, trying to collect myself as quickly as possible. " Who shall I ask…?"
I thought for a minute. The desire was great to dare Visser Four to do something horrible... But I couldn't think of something horrible enough at the moment… So I passed. Councilor Four? Nah, that'd just be mean. He sticks up for me when everyone else is running away like the dickens. Visser Two, the angry weirdo with the sunglasses? Visser One herself? As much as I'd like to, no. See… There was one person that, through all the humiliation , I wanted to get back at most.
So I did.
I stood up on slightly trembling legs.
" I ask that frickin' GEEK in the back of the room!" I exclaimed.
Everybody just sort of stared.
" Wha -- " Visser Four started.
But before he could finish his sentence, Councilor Four lit up.
" Oh, you mean Councilor Three?" he asked. Then he turned towards the back. " Come on out, Councilor Three. I know you like the curtains, but it's time to move on with life."
We waited in the silence for a moment, and then, footsteps were heard… And as we looked on towards the back of the room, a figure slowly stepped out of the shadows...
" OOOOOOOOOH!" Councilor Three yelled. " Daylight!"
I rolled my eyes. Holy… Not Councilor Three. What the hell was Councilor Four thinking!
… Maybe I should back up and explain.
You see… Councilor Three is a Yeerk who isn't exactly quite alright in his mind. Don't get me wrong, he's extremely intelligent, especially when it comes to Yeerk politics. No wonder he got to his present rank… Duh. It's just... You know, he's weird.
And I mean REALLY weird. Remember the time I went to Visser One's birthday party, and there was this nasal guy who kept tellin me he liked "spiritual souls"? Yep, that's Councilor Three. He is basically just your average geek.
Actually… this guy… is probably the hugest Yeerk geek of all time. He wears plaid shirts, ties, and even big glasses. He spends his time doing things such as sharpen his pencils with his teeth. Definitely a bizarre Yeerkie... I hardly even even refer to him as Councilor Three, for that matter, since his extremely loud, nasal voice has given him his obvious nickname: Mr. Loud-And-Nasal.
So, yeeeeeah… You can understand why I was kind of… hum… "disappointed" that he was the geek in the back, although by all accounts I should have guessed.
" Hello, Councilor Four," said Mr. Loud-And-Nasal in his ever-familiar nasal voice.
" Hello, Councilor Three," replied Councilor Four with as much of a smile as he could muster.
" Hello, Visser Four," Loud-And-Nasal.
" Hello, Councilor Three," Visser Four allowed patiently.
" Hello, Visser Two."
" Yo, Councilor Three."
" Hello, Visser Three."
" Um, hi." I said, just completely weirded out.
" Hello, Visser One…"
" Bye, Councilor Three."
Loud-And-Nasal was a little taken aback by that, although I would have just let it go and moved on. But that's just me.
But, of course, considering Visser One's reputation around here, Mr. Loud-And-Nasal didn't dare leave a comment.
" Okay peeps, why have you summoned me?" Mr. Loud-And-Nasal, of course.
" Eum… Because it's Visser Three's turn to dare and he picked you." Councilor Four replied kind of smugly.
" Oh, how very kind!" Loud-And-Nasal exclaimed. " Well, go for it, then."
" Yeeeeaah…" I muttered under my breath. I tried to ignore Mr. Loud-And-Nasal's extreme weirdness. " Okay. Mr. L – Councilor Three, truth or dare?"
" Truth," he said. " It's more truthful."
" Okay…" I said, kind of nervous. The truth is, I wasn't expecting that.
" Okay what?"
" I'm thinking of a good question."
" Ah."
" Okay I've got one!" I exclaimed.
" Yes?"
" What is the most randomly stupid thing you've ever done?"
I smirked. This should be good… Knowing Mr. Loud-And-Nasal, it would be something along the lines of "Once, I couldn't sleep, so I yelled at my portable communicator to shut up, and it said "HEY! Councilor Three! You want to dance?" So I did and it was such a fun night…"
" Hum…" Loud-And-Nasal started. " Let's see. Well, there was this one time…"
" Continue…" I prodded.
Mr. Loud-And-Nasal put on this very scary smile that would have sent me running away screaming like an Andalite if it wasn't for the anticipation of hearing Mr. Loud-And-Nasal's answer.
" Once, I couldn't sleep," he started.
And… BINGO, as the humans say. Wait for it… wait for it…
" … so I put on these WICKED shoes and tapdanced for a while. Then, when I got bored of that, I randomly decided to rewind the tape I had recorded the previous day… I watched the whole thing about ten times!"
Okay… what? That… definitely was not what I expected. Okay, then. Well…
" What was the tape about?" I asked.
" What tape?" Loud-And-Nasal asked kind of stupidly.
" YOUR tape!" I exclaimed. " The one you said you recorded!"
" Oh, that tape!" he recalled. " … That was just a tape of Visser One in her room."
" WHAT!" Visser One shrieked.
" Ah yeah?" asked Councilor Seven. " … Is it… by any chance… for sale?"
" No."
" Lords, haven't you people ever heard of freaking PRIVACY!" Visser One yelled. " I swear I am going to camera-proof my room…"
" Okay… Thank you…" I said, eyeing Mr. Loud-And-Nasal. " For that… interesting answer."
" Now can we get on with it?" Visser One asked with clinched teeth, making an aggressive fist at Loud-And-Nasal. She mouthed the words "You're DEAD!", which caused the poor Councilor to turn away hurriedly.
" Alright, Councilor Three, your turn." Councilor Four announced, laughing. Everyone else, obviously, had gotten a good chuckle out of Mr. Loud-And-Nasal's answer…
" Wow!" Mr. Loud-And-Nasal exclaimed happily. " Okay. I shall randomly pick a subject."
No one had anything to say to that. Except Visser One, of course, who just has these ticking urges to drop a snide remark on everything.
" Yeeeeaaah…" she said, raising an eyebrow at Loud-And-Nasal. " You do that."
" Yes, I shall!" Loud-And-Nasal agreed, ecstactic that the pretty female was agreeing with him.
He walked over to a corner of the room, standing up with his face hidden against the wall.
" Okay," he said, " Everyone, say HI!"
" HI." Visser Two said.
" Hi," Visser Four and Councilors Four and Seven echoed.
" Hi…" I followed, just completely weirded out.
" Bye," Visser One, of course.
Mr. Loud-And-Nasal turned away from the wall, looking happily at us and smiling like an Andalite bandit.
" Okay, who said HI first?" he asked.
" Eum… Visser Two did," I replied.
" Oh." Loud-And-Nasal lit up. " So Visser Two, you will be my subject."
" Is there a hidden meaning to subject?" Visser Two wondered skeptically.
Mr. Loud-And-Nasal seemed puzzled.
" Okay, never mind." Visser Two allowed.
" Visser Two, truth or dare?"
" Dare," Visser Two said instantly.
Instantly, Mr Loud-And-Nasal walked over to the spot where Visser Two was sitting.
" Here," he said.
He took off his monstrous glasses and handed them to Visser Two.
" Put on my glasses," he smiled.
Visser Two gave him just a slight fish eye.
" … That's my dare?" he asked skeptically.
" Yes. Why?" Mr. Loud-And-Nasal demanded.
Visser Two laughed noisily. " Fine by me!"
He snatched the glasses from Loud-And-Nasal and shoved them on his face.
… You… you do not know how incredibly stupid he looked at that moment…
" Oho!" Councilor Four smirked.
" Heh heh…" Visser One covered her mouth, trying very hard not to giggle. But then she burst out laughing.
" Heh…" I couldn't stop myself from saying, smirking my brain out.
Now… you have to understand that Visser Two is one of those males who go host-happy and are under the impression that they are, as the humans say, cool. And now, that impression has caused him to become the coolest-looking males in the Empire. He wears these great jackets and sunglasses and all that junk… So you can pretty much imagine how incredibly weird it was to see him wearing geek glasses.
By the time he took off the glasses, we were all basically rolling on the floor laughing.
" You find that funny, do you?" Visser Two accused.
" Yep!" I choked out.
" Indeed, very," Visser One said, uncharacteristically agreeing.
As I watched through blurry eyes, Visser Two glared at us before yanking off the glasses and returning them to their rightful owner.
" Ganks," said Mr. Loud-And-Nasal.
" … Excuse me?" Visser Two exclaimed. " Ganks?"
" Ganks." replied Loud-And-Nasal. " It's how 'thanks' sounds with cheese in your mouth."
" Yeeeeeaaah…" Visser Two muttered under his breath.
These people… And you actually wonder why I am insane.
" Your turn, Visser Two." said Councilor Four, typically not skipping a beat.
Visser Two smiled exitedly at him.
" Hee! Woo hoo... Visser One, truth or dare?" he asked, turning his gaze to Visser One.
Visser One thought it over for a moment.
" Dare," she then said.
" Oh, yay!" that weirdo Visser Two exclaimed, almost wetting himself.
" What's your problem?" Visser One exclaimed exasperatedly. " Get it over with already!"
" Oh, I will…" Visser Two laughed evilly, anticipating.
He got up, leaned over toward Visser One, and whispered something in her ear. She eyed him weirdly, raised an eyebrow, then got up and walked off with him into a side room. Visser Two closed the door behind them.
Awkward silence settled in for a moment.
" What. The hell!" Visser Four exclaimed.
For once I actually agreed with him!
" What's he going to do?" I added. Then I shuddered. " Oh geez… I don't even want to think about it."
" What!" Councilor Seven complained. " He has to make the dare public! That's against truth or dare rules!"
" No it's not," I made an extremely rude face at him. " You're just afraid he's going to do something with her while you're sitting around here waiting."
Visser Four smirked.
" Tense. Very tense." he said. Then he turned back to the others. " I told you guys something was up."
" Leave Visser Three alone," Councilor Four said in my defense. " You're just being ignorant of people's feelings."
That did it. I jumped up, looked fiercely at Councilor Four, then at Visser Four, then back again.
" What FEELINGS!" I exclaimed. " I don't have any FEELINGS!"
" Hey, when he's right, he's right," Visser Four allowed.
I slapped my hand against my forehead in absolute frustration.
" Okay…" Councilor Seven said nervously. " Can someone please go see what Visser Two is doing in there?"
" Visser Three?" Visser Four suggested.
" Visser Four!" pretty much the whole room said at once.
" I'll go," said Councilor Four, starting to get up from his pillow.
My pillow was nicer than his…
… Yes, I know I have absolutely no life.
Councilor Four got up and started walking toward the side room. But before he could take even two steps, the door opened and Visser Two came out.
" What did you do?" I asked, maybe just a little tensely.
" Aww… See, Visser Two?" Visser Four said mockingly. " Visser Three wants to make --"
" Would you shut up, you enormous dapsen!" I yelled.
… And I guess my tone basically shut Visser Four up for a little while.
Visser Two looked at me, shrugging. " I just sort of explained her dare to her, gave her the stuff, and sent her to the bathroom to change."
" Excuse me? Change?" I asked.
" Protective, protective…" So much for Visser Four shutting up!
" Did you get her to dress in drag?" Councilor Seven asked hopefully.
" Hot outfit?" Councilor Four suggested.
" Lingerie?" Mr. Loud-And-Nasal.
Everyone just kind of stared.
" Eum… excuse me?" I exclaimed, a little grossed out.
I kicked Visser Four on the side of the head before he could even dare.
" No, nothing like that." Visser Two said.
Everyone's eyes drooped.
" It's better!"
" Oh!" Councilor Seven said. " Well that's fine by me."
" What is it?" I asked, dreading the answer.
" You'll see…" Visser Two replied simply.
Five minutes later, we were still sitting on the floor with our beloved pillows. And it was five minutes later that we finally got to see what the hell Visser Two had planned at our expense...
… Well, mine anyway. I don't think any of the others minded much.
The first thing we heard was the bathroom door opening, then closing. Then, the sound of delicate footsteps. And then... well, the rest is history.
She walked in, wearing the tiny silver-and-black bikini and sunglasses Visser Two had brought, planning his dare. Makes you wonder where he goes shopping.
I looked at my fellow males. Visser Four fainted. Councilor Seven had a rivet of drool running down his chin. Visser Two's eyes were as wide as two Skrit Na ships.
Then, Visser One yanked off the sunglasses gracefully and made a sort of small, devilish smirk.
" Bathroom!" Visser Two yelled, practically holding himself.
Visser Four, conscious again, whined. The poor dapsen. Ouin-hin, I feel so bad. ... Frickin' jerk. Frickin' whiny jerk.
" Am I through?" Visser One complained. " Visser Two, where do you go shopping?"
" Do not disturb!" yelled Visser Two from the bathroom.
Visser One rolled her eyes and sort of swiped her hand through her hair, all high-and-mighty like she always is.
" Can I take this thing off now!" Visser One yelled impatiently at the bathroom door.
Everyone instantly relaxed on their pillows. Everyone except me, of course…
" Feel free!" Councilor Seven exclaimed.
Thank the freaking lords, I simply prayed, that I did not have the horrible, terrible lack of common sense to bring Iniss here.
Visser One eyed Councilor Seven disgustedly. Councilor Seven looked down, seeming to be trying to figure out how to drill himself into the ground.
After a while, Visser Two came out of the bathroom and Visser One changed back into her halter and skirt.
" Thank the LORDS I am out of that evil thing!" Visser One sighed. Then, she added accusingly: " Ah! You males!"
That got a laugh out of everyone. Including me.
Although mine was much less audible…
We eventually got tired of playing truth or dare. We eventually got tired of the friends' gathering, for that matter, so at around twelve thirty, we each packed up and returned to our separate rooms…
" Iniss!" I exclaimed, knocking on the door. " Open up, I'm back!"
Almost instantly, the door opened, and I stood face to face with my personal assistant.
" Visser, do you want some oatmeal?" Iniss exclaimed joyfully, shoving a bowl of maple-and-ginger oatmeal in my face.
Way too joyfully.
" Okay, Iniss." I said skeptically. " What did you blow up now?"
" Why, nothing Visser!" Iniss said genuinely.
I smirked. Then I took the oatmeal.
" Fine, fine…" I sighed. " But if I find anything wrong with my room, you're in for it."
" I was already in for it this morning, Visser," Iniss smiled.
I sort of glared sideways at him. Then I walked off to the side room in which I held my private quarters, including the useless bed. I only realized a moment later that Iniss had followed me.
" Are you okay, Visser?" he asked me.
I spun around to face him. " Okay? Me? … Sure. Why wouldn't I be?"
Iniss nodded. " Of course you are, Visser. Just thought I'd ask."
" Well don't think anymore!" I exclaimed. " You're not supposed to think! You're supposed to obey. Now get! Get out of my room! Come back tomorrow at eight for cleaning!"
And with that, Iniss, now terrified, ran off, closing the front door behind him.
I entered my quarters and set the oatmeal down on the table. Then, I laid down on the bed.
Eventually, I resumed my Andalite shape. I don't know when, exactly. I was too preoccupied. Far too preoccupied with thoughts and memories of the previous five and a half hours…
And that's what I kept telling myself: They're just memories, nothing more.
I didn't sleep at all that night. Not one minute. But that's okay…
I hardly ever sleep anyway.
Until my return,
Esplin 9466.