Visser Three's Diary
by Sinister Shadow
Disclaimer: I do not, have never, and probably never will own Animorphs.
A/N: I'm putting this CLARIFICATION up here after an early-chapter reviewer got mixed up. I'm putting it basically everywhere now because I DON'T WANT PEOPLE THINKING THIS! You cannot read this story thinking this! So please, you must realize this very important V3D fact: In "Visser Three's Diary", everyone, Visser One's host body is NOT MARCO'S MOTHER! I tried to make it clear in a later chapter (chapter 4). Visser One only uses Eva for her duties on Earth, therefore not up in space in their ships. In the story she is usually present with a host named Isabel Jameson. NOT MARCO'S MOM! Geez, even I wouldn't do THAT! Sorry for any confusion.
Anyway, now that that's cleared up… read on!
Thanks Edriss, Keeda, Concrete Angel, Kharina and Flaming Freak of Boredom for the e-mails and IMs… and encouragements! This one's for you.
Thanks voodooqueen126 for the e-mail! I hope my reply helped… Hope you see this, and welcome to the team!
Chapter 8: Trips and Trikes
July 11th
Entry Eight
Dear Diary,
Plenty of times before have I said that the present day was the worst day in the history of everything that exists. I mean, I've had such horrible experiences in this past cursed month! I've been sent to a nuthouse. I've been set up on a blind date with my worst enemy by my personal assistant. I hired my personal assistant... You see? Real bad stuff.
But were each of those actually the worst day of all eternity?
Not even close. You see, that day was today.
I know what you're thinking: " Visser Three, Visser Three... You'll see, in a couple days you'll have an even worse day than today. And then it will be the same old story all over again."
But if you said that… you'd be a dapsen! Because you see, nothing… nothing could ever surpass the horrible humiliation I had to endure today. Okay? NOTHING. N! O! T! …
Okay you get it. Horrible. Freaking HORRIBLE day…
… But let's start from the beginning.
And the beginning… was when Iniss suddenly had the nerve to drop a pot of steaming water on my head.
( YAAAAAAAAAAOW! ) I quaked.
" AAAAAH!" Iniss screeched.
( WHAAAAAAAT WAS THAAAAAAAAT! ) I demanded.
" I – I don't know!" Iniss said lamely.
( Iniss! ) I rolled my eyes. ( It's not like you just came into my room while I was sleeping and this pot of steaming water just magically dropped out of your hands! )
" I swear I didn't do it!" Iniss insisted.
I looked at him for a moment, a mixture of disdain and appalled amazement lighting up my eyes.
( Iniss! ) I yelled. ( You're HOLDING THE POT IN YOUR FREAKING HANDS. )
" Oh." Iniss abruptly realized. " Ahem. I shall be going."
( Yes, you do that! ) I said as patiently as possible, clutching my burnt, half-asleep Andalite head.
" Sorry Visser!" Iniss moaned as he squarely leapt out of the room.
… Don't you just hate waking up like that?
And, weirdly enough, at that very moment, I immediately got the ticking feeling that this would turn out to be yet another bad day…
But… of course… what else can you expect, in this human month of July?
---
I'd sort of taken a break from writing in this thing since the friends' gathering. But you know, it's been five days… And I'm feeling much, much better now.
Friends gathering? … What friends' gathering?
Visser Four? … Who's he?
"Are you okay, Visser?" … Yes, I'm fine, Iniss. Now make the bed, and for the lords' sake DON'T FORGET THE CLEANING!
See? I've been practicing!
But… despite all the practice I'd gotten over the past days… Iniss STILL forgot to do the cleaning.
I guess some things just never change…
It was about ten minutes after the Iniss-Screwing-Yet-Another-Thing-Up incident of this morning. No, not the one with the water. The one after that… I won't go into the frickin' details, okay? MY mind is still recovering… Let's just say it was gruesomely horrifying, and it had something to do with the human substance called peanut butter, a video camera, and the Andalite Porta-John… Uuhh! SO not going there today.
But anyway, I was just sitting around my room with Iniss still squirting blood all over the cupboard (teaches him to piss me off!), when someone knocked on the door.
- Toc toc.
( Coming! ) I said.
I leapt up from the carpet in my center room and ran off to open the door.
But, of course, on the way there, I just had to get Alloran's left forehoof tangled up in a bunch of wires.
( WHAAAAAA! ) I yelled publicly, desperately trying to regain my balance.
But before I could, the wires pulled. They pulled and pulled and then…
- SNAP.
( Woops… ) I said, looking back.
- TSSSSssssssssssshhhhhhhh… POW!
And then, right before my eyes, the whole room went dark.
( Oh oh… )
- TOC TOC TOC!
( I'm COMING already! Who is it! )
No answer.
Just as I expected.
I untangled my cursed hoof from the destroyed wires and cursed at myself for a while as I walked over to open the door.
( Did Alloran really have to possess such damn clumsy hooves? ) I muttered. ( I mean, the whole frickin' room… First INISS and his PEANUT BUTTER with my oversized freaking toilet… And now we've lost not only the bathroom, but the whole damn room! What else could possibly -- )
I never had time to finish. Because just then, I got to the door and slammed down the open button, causing the door to open, slower, before it went dead like the rest of the room.
But it opened enough for me to see who was there.
Never in a million years will you EVER guess who it was!
" What the HELL did you DO!"
Her face was red with complete and absolute anger.
( Why, Visser One, ) I sneered as usual, rolling my eyes. ( What a wonderful surprise. )
She glared murderously at me.
" WHAT. DID. YOU. DO!" she yelled.
( I don't know! What did I do! )
" Visser Three!" she rolled her eyes and swept her fingers roughly through the long strands of black hair that had fallen in her face. " You like BLEW UP the entire ship!"
( What are you -- ) I started.
And just then did I realize that the corridor behind Visser One was dark.
( Holy shit, was the impact really that hard! ) I exclaimed privately to myself.
" What are you, phazed out?" Visser One exclaimed. " This is freaking serious! I can't get back into my own room! The door's closed and T.E. won't be able to open it thanks to YOU!" she jabbed an accusing finger into my chest.
Beyond my own patience, I grabbed her by the shoulders and yanked her roughly into the room.
" Hands off!" she shrieked, kneeing me squarely in the lower stomach.
( OHH! ) I grunted, letting go quickly to soothe the new bruise Visser One had created on my abdomen.
I'll have to morph later, I told myself.
( Tense. ) I frowned. ( Very tense. Did you take your little yellow pill this morning, Visser One? )
Visser One glared ragingly at me, frowning.
( You know, ) I said, just a little ticked off. ( You should smile once in a while. Give everyone a FRICKIN' BREAK! )
Visser One's face remained cold and emotionless. As it always was.
( Oh my frickin' GOD! ) I screamed. ( Why! WHY ARE YOU HERE! )
" Well, at first I came here to yell at you for keeping me up all night screaming…" she looked away. " … never mind. The IMPORTANT thing is, I was late for a very important Visser evaluation this morning!"
About the screaming thing… She's lying. She just forgot to take her pill this morning. It happens a lot. I never screamed anything. Really.
… REALLY!
( Visser One, ) I said solemnly. ( No matter what the rush, you must always take the right medication. )
" Would you SHUT UP about the little yellow pill, you enormous dapsen!" Visser One raged. " Now… I was coming here because of your infernal racket… But now we've got MORE problems. YOUR HOST IS CLUMSY!"
( How do you know about Alloran and the wires? ) I demanded. ( Do you have like telepathic vision or something? )
" Oh yes," Visser One said in possibly the most sarcastic tone I have ever heard. " You freaking DOPE! Even from here you can see those poor completely annihilated wires!"
( That still doesn't explain Alloran, ) I countered.
Visser One looked at me matter-of-factly and blinked twice. " You have a piece of wire hanging from your hoof."
I looked down.
Damn Andalite absorption abilities… I cursed.
Before Visser One could shove the incredible burn even deeper into my face, there was a sickening lurch as the ship heaved, sending all my belongings rocketing toward the walls and ceiling. I saved as many as I could, with Visser One's hands now tightly ringed around my throat.
" I am SO going to ring your neck!" she screamed.
" VIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSER!" Iniss shrieked from the cupboard.
( What, you dapsen? ) I snapped.
" We're all going to DIE!" Iniss bawled hysterically. " WOE are we!"
I turned slowly back to Visser One, who was now glaring murderously at me, breathing heavy, furious breaths, her face an inch from my own.
( Eum… ) I squeaked. ( … Iniss reads Shakespeare? )
" YOU --" Visser One started.
( Okay, okay, ) I calmly pushed her tense hands away from my throat. ( Now, let's both just calm down. I can cut open your bedroom door -- )
" – So he can steal your Councilors-only exclusive posters," Iniss added VERY irrelevantly.
( … Noooo, so I can get VISSER ONE to take her freaking damn pill, so she can freaking CALM DOWN! Ugh! Hormones! )
Visser One shot me a disgusted look. " They're not hormone pills, you idiot!"
( That's not what I meant! ) I shot back. Then, I added more privately to myself… ( We already allknow what those pills are. )
" What was that?" Visser One snapped.
( Oh… nothing important, ) I shrugged.
" I don't know what they are," said Iniss.
( No, you wouldn't know, ) I told Iniss quite frankly.
" You're a creepy old Yeerk, you know that?" exclaimed Visser One, giving me a sideways slap.
I blushed. ( I'm not OLD! I'm only fifty-five! )
Visser One crossed her arms and blinked twice. " Oh, and I'm twenty-two!" she said in her fake-dumb voice.
( Okay. SO WHAT if I'm like almost three times your age! ) I yelled. I hated it when they had the nerve to bring up this intolerable subject with me… ( You're a freaking BABY! And baby Yeerks are incompetent. )
" I'm not a baby!" she countered, " I'm seven years into adulthood!"
( Yes, and I see you haven't wasted this… adulthood. )
" You're a dope."
( You're a much larger dope. )
" Hello! This host weighs one-hundred eleven pounds. Jumbo Anda-Monster over here weighs about twenty-one thousand!"
( Twenty-one thousand! ) I exclaimed. ( Okay, that's it. Visser One, even if I have to force that pill down your throat -- )
" Why doesn't Zero-Space have toilet facilities?" Iniss wondered aloud.
" The PILL is in my room, and there is no way -- " started Visser One.
But right then, there was another sickening lurch… and then…
- Beeeeeep! Beeeeeep! Beeeeeep! Beeeeeep!
" Attention all passengers!" the automated voice of the Empire ship's head pilot echoed throughout the hallway behind us. " Due to a major power failure inside the ship, we are forced to carry out an emergency landing on the nearest planet to start repairs."
We were all basically silent for a moment. Iniss squirted blood out of the gash I'd made on his leg. Visser One looked like she was about to pass out. I… I was just kind of there.
" Visser Three…" Visser One sounded exhausted and tearful. " I hate you."
She let herself slump down on the nearest comfy chair and started smacking her forehead in frustration.
" You destroyed my ship!" she yelled, beyond simple anger now.
I sighed noisily, raising my stalk eyes to the sky. ( I didn't. Do it. On freaking. PURPOSE! )
" Yeah right!" Visser One yelled. " Your entire life is bent on destroying everything that means anything to me!"
( So what! ) I shrieked, spreading out my arms in ultimate frustration. ( You forget I'M ON THIS SHIP TOO, GENIUS! )
She had no answer to that. She just sat there, uncharacteristacally slumping, looking depressed.
---
" Okay, okay, everybody out!" yelled the ship's navigator, rushing us along.
Visser One glared murderously at him. Of course, the arrogant navigator was completely oblivious to that warning sign. His funeral…!
" Hurry up!" he exclaimed. " We don't have all day! Keep it moving, keep it -- "
" Move THIS!" Visser One exploded.
Everyone within a five-mile radius was then able to witness Visser One grabbing a huge Dracon cannon energy recharge tube resting on a floating bureau in the entrance room we were standing in and smashing it against the navigator's head. The recharge tube shattered, electrocuting the poor, helpless victim.
" AAAAAAAAAH!" the guy screamed. " AAAAAAAAAHHHH! Visser, have pity! I did not mean to -- YAAAAAAAAAAHH!"
And then there was more screaming. And more screaming. And yelling, and howling, and begging for dear life. But, even as he screamed and writhed in agony, the only thing the navigator seemed to care about was getting back on Visser One's good side! May I say "euf…"?
" Visser, I did not mean to – YAAAAAAAAH! … offend!" he pleaded. " Please – AAAAAARRRGGGHHH! – forgive me!"
Visser One gave him her deeply-offended-"yeah-right!" look and walked gracefully back over to where Iniss, Councilor Eight (who was, of course, completely recovered from his short illness now), Councilor Four and I were standing, eyes wide.
She smirked and swept her fingers through the strands of long black hair that stood apart from her perfectly neat ponytail.
( Visser One, come here. ) I said sternly.
She stepped up to face me, her chin held up arrogantly. She looked up questioningly, raising one eyebrow.
" What?" she asked.
( Come here, ) I said again. ( … No, closer… There. )
Ignoring Visser One's curious eyes, I grabbed her shoulders with my weak Andalite arms and held her to eye level.
( YOU HAVE PROBLEMS. ) I then said.
" She does not have problems," I could have bet my monthly payment on this obvious reply from Councilor Eight, Councilor Four AND Iniss.
I let go of my enemy. ( Yes, she does. You people are just too mush-brained to notice. )
I glared self-mockingly at Councilor Four.
( Traitor. )
He blushed.
The four of us walked outside, leaving the pathetically burnt navigator unconscious in the entry room. Visser One shot a last look at him, then we all saw – no, seriously – just the hint of a smile in her face (VISSER ONE almostsmiled, everyone! KODAK MOMENT! … Yeah, I know I've been spending way too much time with host-happy Yeerks. Now shut up and leave me alone.).
" Whew!" she said. " That felt good."
I smirked with my eyes. ( Did it, now? )
And… there goes the smile. Visser One glared angrily at me.
" Why is it that you always have to drop a comment like that!" she demanded.
( Because it pisses you off, ) I replied happily.
- SMACK!
( YOW! )
Now, if there are any of you who didn't see that coming… please feel free to join Iniss for his next "Dummies for Dummies" meeting.
" Sooooo…" Councilor Eight said, trying to break the awkward silence which had settled in. " What now?"
He glanced hopefully at Visser One. Visser One simply looked shocked.
" Councilor Eight!" she exclaimed, waving her hand across the scenery, a very large field of green hills, now filled with thousands of crashlanded Yeerks. " We are in the middle of a populated field!"
Councilor Eight looked a little down. He searched his mind for a quick reply.
" … There are trees over there," he said lamely, pointing to the left.
( I think the trees are already taken, ) I said.
" By who?" Councilor Eight looked alarmed.
( Oh, no! ) I laughed. ( It's not what you think… It's just some low-ranks eating probably smuggled oatmeal. )
" Oatmeal?" Councilor Eight. " Oh! Now… see Edriss? They'd be too dumb to even notice!"
Visser One seemed appalled.
" DON'T…" she paused to collect herself before finishing, " … call me Edriss in public."
" Sorry, Edriss," our poor next victim apologized.
" Ugh!" Visser One stormed off, fuming.
We all just kind of stood there for a moment.
( Yeeeeeeeeah… ) I finally said. ( I'm getting hungry. When will the ship be repaired? )
" The head technician says we're leaving in two hours, maximum," replied Councilor Four.
( Okay, well… See you all then. )
And with that, I walked off calmly and collectively in the opposite direction of the one in which Visser One had headed.
---
I ate for a while, and tripped a good few times on Alloran's damn left forehoof of DOOM (I swear that thing is defective. I mean, GRASS. HOW CAN YOU TRIP ON GRASS!), but soon got tired of running. I was walking leisurely in a knot of trees, when suddenly I heard it…
Voices.
Human voices.
" Andrew! Watch for the cars, honey!"
" MOM, I'm SIXTEEN YEARS OLD. You'd think I could cross a God damn street by now!"
" Just making sure, dear…"
I stood there, dumbfounded, for a moment.
Street? Have I really gone that far? I found myself thinking.
There was a heavy line of trees in front of me, blocking my view. I quickly morphed to human and walked up. And just as I suspected, behind the trees was some guy with what you humans call an 'afro', a busy street, buildings and people frickin' EVERYWHERE, and some lady with a stroller whose back was about two inches from my face. Man, I hate it when I'm right…
" ANDREW!" the lady screamed, practically shooting off my poor ears in the process.
I watched as the guy with the afro leaped clear of a passing car. Teaches him to stand in the middle of a populated street!
I walked away slowly, hearing Andrew's mother's shrill cries as they became less and less audible…
I looked around at the buildings… I know I shouldn't have… but human life was something I hadn't had much time to discover… So, what the hell. A little exploring never hurt anyone!
… Heh. Or so I thought…
I looked around at the people and the things around me and found myself thinking of Visser One. She had had to live here on this planet for two years before getting her promotion. She stole a ship. She terminated contact with the Empire for a year. Though of course, being the annoyingly attractive Yeerk she is, Visser One still managed to be forgiven by the Empire, and, as a PLUS (I had to stop myself from lashing out at the nearest human at this point) she managed to get PROMOTED to frickin' Visser One in the first place! And, of course, once again being the annoyingly attractive Yeerk she is, she managed to get some MALE to "ACCOMPANY" her (oh I'm so sure) with stealing the ship, moving to Earth, terminating contact with the Empire for a year, having – OH, I'M JUST GOING TO STOP RIGHT NOW BEFORE IT GOES ON FOREVER!
Anyway, I was looking around, when suddenly I saw a line of shops. Overtaken by curiosity, I crossed the street, almost getting hit by about five hundred cars on the way, and got to the other side with nothing but a few minor cuts and bruises! Hee! Obviously, inferior humans must always get seriously injured while crossing such a populated street! Heh… What can I say? I'm good.
And apparently, the humans thought so too, for they immediately began showering me with compliments!
- BEEEEP!
" Watch out, you f'ing retard!"
- BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
" Off the street, what are you, blind?"
- BEEEEEEEP!
" Some people these days just don't have a brain in their head…"
- BEEEEEEEEP!
" Hey genius! It's called a freaking crosswalk!"
I bowed to the public, yelled "Thank you!", and stepped onto the sidewalk.
---
You humans have wonderful shops.
I spent an hour and a half checking them out. There was a food shop (of which I was kicked out), a children's toy store (of which I was kicked out), a musical instrument shop (of which I was also kicked out, this time by an angry mob of human employees), and an exclusive boutique (I wasn't even allowed to enter that one)! But in any case, THAT was an hour and a half well spent…
I was walking merrily down the street like some oatmealized Andalite bandit when suddenly I realized…
AN HOUR AND A HALF!
That's when I started panicking. I ran and ran and ran like a herd of Andalites from hell was chasing me.
What am I going to DO? I thought frantically. The ship leaves in like fifteen minutes!
Out of ideas, I stopped at the nearest shop in sight. I couldn't morph. I couldn't just walk back! I couldn't… I couldn't…
And that's when I saw it. It was like a holy thing imported from the heavens! An invisible, angelic spotlight shone on it as I took a step forward. It was my way out. It was unstoppable. It was… it was…
… A pink and purple BARBIE TRICYCLE!
Oh lords help me! I squeaked interiorly as I realized it was, indeed, my one and only way out.
Taking a quick look around, I mounted the tricycle (with MUCH difficulty) and started pedalling. The frickin' thing was so small I was practically pulling my legs over my head with every pedal!
I turned onto the street. AHH! Rush-hour traffic! I was riding a freaking pink and purple TRICYCLE in rush hour traffic! Help!
People started honking at me. I replied to them by showing them the dapsen sign, which I don't think they understood because they just honked some more.
" Hey you! Get a new bike!" someone yelled from the backseat of a car.
" Get a new faaaaaaaaaace!" I countered as I rolled right into a ditch.
The trike went flying into the air as I flew off from the other side of the ditch. I was back on the grass now. Well, at least I could get back to the ship faster, even if my butt was bruised and would probably inflate to the size of the Blade ship…
This was all Visser One's fault! Yeah! If Visser One hadn't stormed off like that, I wouldn't even have remembered that I was hungry because of the awkward silence, and therefore would have never gotten into this mess. It was SO all her fault, that dapsen…
And I thought to myself… I HATE her!
And yet she's the first thing that pops into your mind. Another part of my mind answered.
Only because I know that evil dapsen will be the first one to laugh at me!
Then why are you rushing to get back to the ship?
Because I don't want it to LEAVE, duuuuuuh!
You're planning on hiding the tricycle, aren't you?
No.
Yes.
… From all the OTHER Vissers too!
You know the other Vissers wouldn't care.
Inner-Conscience! It's a PINK-AND-PURPLE BARBIE TRICYCLE! Of frickin' COURSE they'll care!You don't hate her.
Yes I do!No you don't!
Yes I DO!… Visser Three?
Inner-Conscience?You're picturing her in a bikini. (COUGH!NOT TRUE!COUGH!)
…
Ha ha, I win! BURN!
… I shall kill you someday, Inner-Conscience.
You shall do that, Visser Three.
I shook myself out of my thoughts. Heh. My dumb inner-conscience… Always joking about anything and everything! … Heh heh…
… Put down the pitchfork. I'm warning you!
Anyway, I finally made it back to the ship – which, may I mention, was still there --, leaped off the tricycle, sang "HALLELUJA!" hysterically, stashed the tricycle in a nearby bush, and demorphed (and what a good thing, too, because I could officially hear Alloran's intestines crying out for the nearest Porta-John…).
I galloped back to the ship, practically shitting myself with every step, and soon I was within view of the last few Yeerks climbing up into the ship.
( Wait for MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! ) I shrieked.
I saw Visser One, four of the Councilors, Visser Four and the new-hosted Emperor turn their heads sharply to stare at me. Visser One's eyes were wide. They all started running over to where I was pathetically trying to gallop.
When they arrived, I was so happy to see them I went into a hugging frenzy. I hugged Councilor Four and the Emperor, who politely returned the hug. I hugged Councilor Eight, who shoved me away, disgusted. I hugged Councilor Seven and even Visser Four, who just kind of stood there, embarrassed. And… I kind of didn't hug Mr. Loud-And-Nasal. Geez… I wasn't that happy.
" Where were you, you dapsen!" Visser One exclaimed angrily. " You could have been seen! Even caught! We were just about to --"
What they were just about to do, I never knew. I walked (or rather ran) the few steps that separated us and hugged her tightly, practically lifting her up into the air. She blushed, shocked.
" Visser Three!" she exclaimed rather voicelessly.
I let go of her and then grinned at all of them with my eyes. But before they could even ask questions, I ran like the chickens… or snickens… or dickens or whatever it is you humans say… out of there and into the ship's open doorway.
Where was I going in such a rush, you ask?
Why, the bathroom of course!
---
It wasn't long before I was able to find an Andalite Porta-John in the newly-repaired Empire ship. Finally, Alloran's damn intestine problems died down and I was able to shut the whimpering dapsen up for a while.
I had made it back to the ship. I had managed to do that without anyone realizing I'd had to use a pink and purple tricycle to do so… Or so I thought.
… Don't you just HATE it when you're so happy, and then your entire freaking plan BACKFIRES on you?
I do.
And then, it happened to me yet again. It never fails.
" Visser!" Iniss called out from outside the bathroom door. " … Visser? Was that really you I saw riding some little human girl's Barbie tricycle outside? … Hello? Visser Three? Why aren't you answering me? HELLOOOOOO!"
Aaaaaannnnd… There you go! There's chapter eight of V3D for ya! Yeah, yeah, I know… It wasn't as good… I hope you enjoyed it anyway. In any case, please review! May I now direct you to the review button. For newbies, the review button is right there on the left corner… (grins) Now all you have to do is PRESS IT! Yay! Thanks!