A/N: Hey everyone! As I promised, here is the latest chapter of Visser Three's Diary. You had to wait all summer, but here it is at last! Yay! So I won't keep you waiting for any longer, read on!

Visser Three's Diary

14+

Chapter 9 - Too Sexy for This Host

Date?

Entry nine.

Dear Diary,

When I woke up this morning, waaaay before dawn, I was in a radiant mood. HEY! I drew back the sheets of my bed, which I had slept in the previous night, and, of course, got Alloran's left forehoof tangled up in the comforter. But SO WHAT! Alloran's well-being is SO not important. The only thing that counts is ME, ME, ME! Especially today!

I ran over to the wall and practically knocked it down with a blow from my two forehooves.

( Hell-OOOOO, Visser One! ) I yelled in extra-loud thought-speech. ( Yay! Wake up and SMELL THE OATMEAL! )

" Frig OFF, you frickin' DAPSEN!" Visser One screamed at me in a sleepy voice, angry that I woke her up. " Cornflake sniffer..."

( HEE HAH! ) I yelled.

... Yeah. You guessed it. Last night, I was kind of down, so I took an extra dose of oatmeal... Heh. Sorry innocent bystanders!

NOTHING could stop me now! I ran to Iniss's room as quickly as I could, my hooves making an infernal racket, and rammed open the door. Once inside, I practically jumped on my P.A., still curled up in his bed.

( IIIIIIIIIIII-niss! ) I yelled. ( Wake up! )

Suddenly, Iniss grabbed my arm in a kind of disturbingly tender way.

" Oh Visser One, I thought you'd never ask..." he mumbled, with an idiot smile plastered on his face.

( YEEEEEEW! ) I jerked back and leaped off Iniss's bed, practically knocking him over in the process.

But then, as I caught my traumatized breath, Iniss started snoring... And then, I realized he'd been talking in his sleep, and that he didn't ACTUALLY THINK I was Visser One and that I wanted to do something with him. Eeewie! Not imagining that! But seriously, makes you wonder what kind of dreams Iniss has at night...

( INIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSS! ) I shrieked like a little girl. And in extra-loud, PUBLIC thought speak, too! Gee, how the HELL does Alloran manage to do that! It sure is entertaining to behold, that's for sure! Especially on an oatmealistic day such as today!

" Raaaaaaaaa... What the hell?" I heard a sleepy male voice from next door.

" YAAH! Help!" yelled a certain very nasal voice from across the hall.

" YEEEEEEEEKK!" screamed Iniss, shooting up like a board in his bed. " The Andalites have arrived! Raise the WEAPONS DECK!"

( YEEE-HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE! ) I squeaked uncontrollably, laughing the most frickin' pathetic evil laugh this side of Gonzoll (Gonzoll is a planet somewhere between where we were now and the Andalite homeworld. Implying the Andalite homeworld is on the OTHER side of Gonzoll). Once again in the booming public thought speak.

" SHUT UP!" yelled the male voice.

" SHUUUT UUUP!" yelled Mr. Loud-And-Nasal.

" SHUT UP!" yelled a whole new voice, coming from very close by...

" Oh. My. God." Iniss whispered as if he'd just discovered the eighth world wonder.

I spun around as quickly as I could, and in a split second I found myself face to face with... Visser One!

Yeah! Visser One! Except this was a whole new look for her, and I believe most guys would definitely approve. I don't know if it was the wet hair, the water pearling on her skin, or the fact that she was wearing absolutely nothing but a gold bath towel that gave it away... I mean, it's anybody's guess!

( Visser One! WHAT a surprise! ) my freaking oatmeal made me yell. ( Nice towel! )

" ... Towel?" the male voice from next door.

" TOWEL!" Mr. Loud-And-Nasal.

" Toweeeeeeeel..." bawled Iniss.

Visser One rolled her eyes, then gave me a look that clearly meant I was the biggest dapsen she'd ever seen.

" What the F was that!" she exclaimed. " You must have waken up every single living and dying creature this side of frickin' Gonzoll!"

... And... here we go again with Gonzoll. I mean, what is UP with that, anyway? I thought Visser One and I didn't agree on ANYTHING, for the Emperor's sake!

" ... Let alone making ME jump straight out of the shower, that I JUST GOT IN, wondering if someone was seriously ill!"

" You're pretty..." Iniss said completely irrelevantly. " I mean reaaaaaaally pretty..."

( Iniss, what the H-- )

" Don't you think I know that by now, you big doaf?" Visser One exclaimed, still raging at me of course. " All I have to do is walk around in the hallway with my training shorts on and instantly everyone in a one-mile radius will start trailing me. Frickin' ANNOYING!"

( Ah, YOU'RE annoying, Visser One. ) I said. ) Seriously. Although I like the towel... And yeah, I do like the shorts. I mean... who DOESN'T like the frickin' shorts! )

" I do, that's for sure..." Iniss.

... What? ... WHAT! Stop... Stop looking at me like that! I mean it!

For God's sake, people! I KNOW I hate Visser One... But Alloran didn't manage to turn me into a complete girly girl. I still have male hormones... And those shorts are like the TARGET! You know, the target your eyes are just like programmed to keep following...

... Hum. Okay. That's enough hidden sentiments for today, people. Stay tuned next week, for Episode III: Iniss is a Moron.

" I mean... those shorts just --" Iniss started.

" ALRIGHT ALREADY!" Visser One yelled. " Enough about my shorts and back to the matter at hand!"

( Which is...? )

" YOU screaming like an intoxicated Andalite he/she!"

( Oh... Well, I'm sure YOU scream like an intoxicated Andalite he/she sometimes too! Wink wink! )

" YOU DAPSEN! Oh my GOD!"

- SLAP!

" You ate more oatmeal than me anyway! And I sound like a female. You actually DO sound like a he/she!"

( Not when I'm in human morph! YEEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE! )

" Yeah, well you're intoxicated right NOW!"

( You ALWAYS look intoxicated! )

" Dapsen!"

( Idiot! )

" Ugly!"

( Stupid! )

" Andalite-lover!"

( Mental retard! )

" Alloran's boyfriend!"

( Engineer-lover! )

" AAAGH!"

- THWACK!

( YOW! )

" Frig you!"

" STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPP!"

The whole room suddenly silenced. Visser One and I slowly trailed our eyes on Iniss, the frickin' weirdo who had yelled, of course. I, for one, could simply not believe that INISS would ever yell an objection at Visser One as well as at me! Maybe he got kidnapped and replaced while I was sleeping...

We looked at Iniss, our eyes portraying a deep confusion. Well... my eyes were confused... Visser One's just looked murderous. She glared at me, then at Iniss. Then back at me.

( Hum. ) I said, slightly embarrassed. A.k.a. angry as hell at Iniss. ( Yes, Iniss, what do you want? )

" Yeah! You just disrupted our argument, and you know how much I want to strangle him! Or her! Or both! Whatever!"

( You actually want something? Amazing. Hint. )

" Ohhhh, you're in for --"

" What the hell are you people talking about!" exclaimed Iniss.

Visser One and I glared at each other.

" The HCF!" we yelled in unison.

Iniss just kind of stared for a moment.

" … What?" he then exclaimed. " The HCF? Visser… What the hell?"

My cheeks went completely and absolutely dark blue. Which is the natural Andalite blushing color.

… Oh. Right.

See… I never actually "found" the time to tell Iniss the entire story of what had happened at the HCF…

( Eum. ) I choked.

" Hum…" Visser One blushed.

( Never mind. )

" Oooooookaaaay…" Iniss muttered. " Not gonna ask."

( You better not, ) I snapped.

" Visser One?" Iniss asked hesitantly.

" What?"

I then witnessed Iniss's face morphing into a big, fat tomato. " Can I…"

" No." Visser One replied instantly.

" Okay."

Visser One walked away, glaring daggers at me of course.

" I swear, one day I am going to go NUTS!" she muttered.

( Well at least you won't have to wait very long for that, ) I mumbled to myself.

" What was that?"

( Nothing important. )

She sort of gave me the fish-eye and I shrugged in my I'm-just-a-big-dumbass manner. She eventually got the message and walked away, shaking her head and muttering about how big of a dumbass I am.

Hey, it works.

( Well Iniss! ) I said jovially, just RADIATING happy vibes! ( Why don't you (Iniss grunted as I stepped up to his bed and started pulling him to his feet) get up and make GRASS COOKIES, and I'll get on over to my room and get ready for yet another fantabulistic day! )

" Oh God Visser, 'fantabulistic'!" Iniss squeaked as I sat him down on his bed and started throwing him a random bunch of clothes from his one-drawer-dresser-slash-closet. " Just how much oatmeal did you have!"

( Iniss, ) I said in the happiest tone, ( why don't you just shut your Yeerky mouth and get started on those grass cookies! )

And then I swear I giggled. Ugh! … Shudder.

I turned to the door, leaving Iniss to his "large" amount of cooking. Well, he should be happy! I was only asking for twelve batches! I mean, lords, some people are just so HUGELY ungrateful!

Anyways, I turned to the door and left the room, galloping like an escapee from a universal mental health facility. As soon as I reentered my room I closed the door behind me, which of course made the most horrible noise this side of… well, Gonzoll.

" Would you SHUUUUT UUUP! Some of us are tryyyyying to sleeeeep!" yelled Mr. Loud-And-Nasal, in what seemed like an incredibly long drawl of nasal whining.

( Neeeeeeeeewwwwwwhhh, ) I replied, trying to copy his incredible nasalness.

Then I shut the frigging geek out of my mind completely as I slowly made my way to the bathroom. Yes, ladies and slugs, it was time for my early-morning mirror-viewing session! I ran merrily to the huge disk tower where Iniss keeps all of his strange music (there wasn't enough room for it in his room, so I gracefully offered to keep it here) and started flipping through the racks for something light and hyper.

( Let's see… Jika Nojiro. Nah. The Osbournes Season One Soundtrack? … Nope. Evane Seven-Four-Three: Kaiid Jell Makira? … Visser One's favorite CD! WHAT THE HELL INISS! No way am I using this! Weird Al Yankovic? Help! … Um… What else do we have here… Wait… what the hell is this? )

Confused, I pulled out what seemed to be a blank disc case. And it turned out… I was right! There was absolutely nothing written on it. It was just… you know… white!

( Could Iniss get any weirder? ) I wondered aloud, inspecting the disc case.

I opened it, and to tell you the truth I was half-surprised to find a disc in it. I stood up straight and walked over the the bathroom, disc in hand, and when I got there I quickly popped it into my primitive-yet-useful built-in disc reader!

( Okay… now play! ) I grinned with my Andalite eyes as the disc spun and set to track one.

Suddenly, a striking beat arose. I just stood there for a moment in front of the mirror before stupid shouting:

( IT LIVES! )

" Oh no!" exclaimed Visser One sarcastically through the paper-thin wall that separated us. " Don't tell me they finally found his brain!"

( Shut up, you freaking moron! ) I yelled back.

And then I listened to my still-spinning disc as the words began to flow…

I'm too sexy for my shirt

Too sexy for my shirt

Too sexy… it hurts

( Aw… What the hell! ) I grinned maniacally.

The bizarre human song continued as I looked at myself in the mirror and posed, flexing my extremely good-looking muscles.

( Whoa. ) I smirked. ( That's real nice. I'm good. )

I swung my tail proudly, practically taking down the artificial lights and the whole sink down with it.

( Such power, such grace! ) I flattered myself.

I smiled for the mirror.

( … Such a beautiful face! )

I swung my tail again, completely ignoring the shattering of a vase on a side-table.

And then I started singing.

( … I'm too sexy for my tail. Too sexy for my tail. Too sexy… )

I then proceeding with doing a very scary little dance, which holy shit am I glad Visser One wasn't there to tape…

( I'M… TOO SEXY FOR MY HOOVES. TOO SEXY FOR MY HOOVES. TOO SEXY FOR MY FUR! )

I danced over to the sound system and blared the song as loud as it could possibly go. And considering Yeerk technology… heh… well so what if I turned the entire Empire ship into one huge boom box? As long as I was having FUN!

( I'm too SEXY FOR MY SHIRT! )

" Oh God, no..." Visser One, of course, typically butting in to eeeeevery single little unimportant thing… " LISTEN, YOU CREEPY DAPSEN, I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU GOT THE LYRICS TO THAT SONG, BUT -- "

( I'M… too SEXY for my STALK EYES. Too SEXY for my STALK EYES! TOO SEXY… )

" Ahem." Visser One cut in once again. " Seems your stalk eyes have an awfully poor taste in males."

( Shut UP! ) I shrieked, still oatmealized and acting like an intoxicated dapsen of course. ( I'm sexy and YOU KNOW IT! )

" Oh you freaking wish."

( Do I now. )

" No duh. Everyone knows that."

( Everyone knows what? )

" You're pathetic." Visser One said simply, unimpressed.

( And so are you! But at least I'M SEXY!)

" What the hell did you TAKE this morning!" then she added warningly: " You didn't go into the human pills section, did you!"

( I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY LEGS! TOO SEXY FOR MY ARMS! TOO SEXY FOR MY -- )

" Visser!"

- Ziiip!

The music stopped abruptly. I spun around and found myself face-to-face with a sweaty-faced Iniss, green cookie dough smudged all over his face and a spatula in his left hand.

( What is it! ) I snapped. ( Can't you see I'm in the middle of -- )

" Visser, you have to help!" Iniss interrupted, which of course made me ANGRY.

So I ignored him.

Instead I grinned and made a small circle around him so he could observe me in further detail.

( Iniss, who's the sexiest male Yeerk around! ) I exclaimed, then proceeded to humming that ever-so-annoying song. ( Da. Da da da da da da. Da da da da da da. Da da da… daaaaa. )

" Not you, for starters." Visser One, if that wasn't just completely obvious.

" Well..." Iniss started a little nervously, " I don't know about that, Visser, but there's some really tiny human here looking for her trike..."

He grabbed my arm and pulled me toward the main entrance. The door was only half opened, but it was still enough for me to see… a very small human female with long blond hair and a huge colorful lollipop, wailing and screaming. I made a terrified face and urgently looked at Iniss for explanations.

Iniss looked back nervously, and immediately adopted a very apologetic look.

" Well… you see," he started.

But before he could proceed any further, the incredibly creepy creature before us caught sight of me and almost immediately started shouting at the top of her lungs…

" I WANT MY TRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!"

I looked panickingly at my still-blabbering personal assistant.

( Oh, LORD, INFEST her! ) I exclaimed, practically strangling Iniss in the process.

" Yes Visser!" Iniss squeaked.

And as soon as I let him go he seemed to completely forget about the spatula and the cookie dough and ran to the security station as if his life depended on it. Which it pretty much did.

As for me, well I must be off. The Emperor will be coming to see me soon about this morning's… ahem… "disturbance". And we seriously wouldn't want him finding you, huh Diary? Then you'll have absolutely nothing else to keep you entertained! You poor Diary…

Ah well. Life is misery, even for diaries. You get used to it.

Until my return,

Esplin 9466

Okay, I know it was a bit shorter than usual… Still like it though? Please tell me what you think and REVIEW:D Till next time!