A/N: Hey guys! Here's the new chapter of Visser Three's Diary. I know it's early, but I had some extra inspiration and decided to get it done. Thanks to the guys at the Lounge for helping me out! You rock! Also, don't mind if the ending of this chapter isn't that funny. I was aiming for a more dramatic ending to this one so I guess it isn't supposed to be.
This chapter is dedicated to TobiasHawk13. Thanks so much for the idea!
For an extra laugh you're almost sure to miss otherwise, go reread the first 14 lines of chapter 8, then come back and read this. If you still don't get it, don't hesitate to e-mail me or ask in a review what it meant. Enjoy the chapter!
Visser Three's Diary
by Sinister Shadow
(I don't own Animorphs, BTW)
Chapter 10: So You Want to Be a Visser...
July Sixteenth
Entry ten. I... think...
Dear Diary,
Alright, today was such the weirdest day ever, okay? THE WORST DAY EVER. Don't even get me STARTED.
... Yes, yes, I KNOW it's my own fault for bringing it up. I'm not an evilly retarded creep, contrary to popular belief (coughVisserOnethatevilbrainwashercough)!
Anyway, I suppose that NOW you want to know why today was such an evil, EVIL day! Alright, fine, then! Have it your way!
But just remember this: … It was NOT my fault okay? Iniss was supposed to come do the dishes!
It all started (yeah Diary, I know I use that phrase too often… but I can't THINK of anything else okay!) at eight thirty in the morning. Strangely enough (not) I was still in bed, and therefore became understandably extremely PISSED when someone had the nerve to ring the doorbell!
- DING DONG. DING DONG. DING DONG. DING DONG…
It was like the dreadful bells of HELL! Or at least the Andalite home world. I pressed my pillow against my ears and rolled around in every single position, but to no avail: Nothing, simply nothing, could block that HORRID sound.
At last I got up from the bed, exhausted and angry, raging interiorly at the maddeningly persistant doorbell.
- DING DONG. DING DONG. DING DONG. DING DONG…
( I'M COMING ALREADY! ) I shrieked.
And then, as it never fails, I tangled Alloran's left forehoof in the bedsheets and almost fell face-down on the ground.
( Rrrgh… Stupid hoof, ) I muttered angrily to myself as I untangled the cursed hoof and kept walking.
- DINGDONGDINGDONGDINGDONGDINGDONG –
( WILL you SHUT UP! ) I yelled again.
I ran to the front door of my room as fast as I could, a feeble attempt to stop the droning infernal sound before it drove me MAD!
Then, at last, I was there. Angrily, I slammed my weak right hand on the "open" pad.
The door slid open, and suddenly I was standing face to face with a short-red-haired, green-eyed human female, probably around the age of twenty. She was attractive enough, I guess. Of course, I had a bit of knowledge about what human males think of as attractive, having been in human morph. She was no Visser One, but she was okay.
Of course, I didn't yet know if she was an attractive Yeerk (I have even more knowledge about that, obviously!). She was probably no Visser One in that area, either...
Trust me, I know Visser One. And even though she is to this day my worst enemy, she's just about as attractive as a female Yeerk can get.
... I mean, just ask the thousands of male Yeerks who have posters and signed pictures of her on their ceiling or under their pillow (COUGHINISS!COUGH)...
And plus, little miss I'm-So-Hot-And-Perfect-From-Snobby-Old-Sulp-Niar just had to go become the first female Visser ever. I mean, how frickin' flawless can you get!
... Is she even a living being? ... Grr... I hate her.
Anyway, enough about Visser One and back to the matter at hand. This Yeerk girl standing at my doorstep...
At least I... hope it was a Yeerk girl.
... Hopefully it wasn't one of those freakishly gay Yeerk males taking on a female host body. God they creep me out.
" Hello?" said the girl a bit shyly.
( Hello. ) I replied, slightly annoyed. ( Who are you and what are you doing here? )
To my huge surprise, the girl's face immediately lit up.
" Hi!" she exclaimed joyfully. " You're like, Visser Three right?"
( Um… ye -- )
" Great!" she smiled, grabbing my hand and shaking it vividly. " I'm Elliss Three-Four-Two of the like, Het Simplat pool? But you can call me ELLIE! That's what like, all my friends call me, so yeah."
Now, if you may have been wondering about ME this whole time, the entire time "Ellie" here was talking, I was just kind of standing there, eyes wide, wondering what the hell was going on. You know, like I usually do.
( Soooo… ) I said, just completely dumbfounded. ( Why is it that you're here? )
" I came to see you, silly!" Ellie giggled.
( Yeah okay but… why? )
" Oh! Silly me!" she slapped herself jovially on the forehead before giggling again (which, may I mention, was starting to DRIVE ME UP THE WALL). " I've been assigned to become your INTERN!"
I don't know how long I stayed standing there. Horror started to infiltrate every part of my body as Ellie's words sunk in…
My INTERN? … HER?
Not only did she giggle twenty-four/seven, she was GIRLY! GIRLY AS HELL!
… Face it Visser Three… The Empire Ship as we know it… is over.
Over.
OVER!
" Hi Visser Three."
( YAAAAAAAH! )
I spun around as quickly as I could and found myself face to face with… Visser One.
( Don't SCARE me like that! ) I yelled, outraged. ( Can't you see I am having a BAD DAY! )
" Um… There's really no difference?" she suggested.
( You… ) I said privately, ( You just be thankful you're not stuck in the horrible mess I am. )
" Ha ha," she said neutrally.
She looked over at Ellie, who smiled ever-so-girlily (and if I had been human, I'd have practically chewed my fricking tongue off trying to pronounce that word). Then she turned back toward me, raising an eyebrow.
" Who's this now?" she asked increduously.
( The horrible mess, ) I said privately to Visser One. Then, I added, so Ellie could hear as well, ( This is Ellie, my new intern. She just got assigned here. )
" Oh," Visser One smiled at Ellie before turning to me, raising her eyebrows and mouthing 'intern' smugly, smirking.
She turned back to Ellie and held out a hand. Ellie shook it.
" Hi Ellie," Visser One said. " I'm Visser One. Welcome to the Empire ship."
" You're Visser One?" Ellie exclaimed, looking dumbfounded.
" Of course I am, who did you think I was?" Visser One asked indifferently, fixing her hair.
" I thought you were his personal assistant!" she pointed at me.
" WHAT?" Visser One and I both exclaimed.
( She's my worst enemy! ) I cried.
" That's right, and don't you forget it!"
Ellie looked at us, eyes wide, blinking twice.
" Now look what you did, you scared the intern!" Visser One exclaimed, slapping me on the lower back. " Good job!"
( ME! ) I yelled, spreading out my arms in exasperation.
" Yes you," Visser One replied. " Anyway I shall be going, I have plenty of droning forms to fill out before tomorrow night. See you later."
" Visser One?" Ellie asked calmly.
Visser One stopped walking and turned back around. " What?"
" Before I like, forget… my brother has like dozens of posters of you in his room."
Visser One smiled.
" Nice." she said simply, before walking into her room and closing the door behind her.
I stayed silent for a moment, looking at the spot where Visser One was just a second ago, before turning back to the girly monster before me.
( Is your brother's name Iniss Two-Two-Six? ) I asked her, trying to cut the awkward silence which was certain to settle in.
" No," Ellie replied. " Who's Iniss Two-Two-Six?"
( You don't want to know. ) I raised my Andalite eyes to the sky, pointing to my room. ( Now come on, let's go inside before you have the enormous misfortune of finding out. )
Ellie looked at me questioningly, but finally just shrugged and stepped slowly toward the door.
" VIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSER!" I heard a shriek from somewhere not too far away.
Annnnnd... Spoke too soon.
Yeah.
Here came Iniss, bawling his eyes out like some bizarre Andalite.
" Visser! VIIIIIISSER!" he shrieked, coming to a halt in front of me.
He seemed to be limping. And, as I looked closer, I noticed a huge, scraped, bloody gash on his left knee. It almost looked like I'd tried to impale his leg! Which I did... many times... but not lately!
Obviously that's why Iniss was sobbing like a grub.
" Oh, Visser! You have to help me!" Iniss cried.
What happened to you now, Iniss...? I asked, looking down at the gory mess which was his knee.
To my great surprise, Iniss immediately stopped crying and looked down.
" Oh, that!" he smiled. " I was running and I tripped over a Do Not Run sign. But that doesn't matter!" he started bawling again. " Visser you really have to help me!"
I almost laughed. ALMOST. But then Iniss held out his hands and made some sort of contorted face, which just, you know, absolutely ruined the moment.
" Visser One said I was a dweeb!" Iniss cried harder. " What should I do! Change my hairstyle? Or my clothes? Or my eyes? ... Do I really look like a DWEEB, Visser!"
( Well… ) I looked away self-mockingly. ( I didn't want to say anything… )
I walked calmly over to Iniss, then grabbed his shoulders and shook him as roughly as you possibly can with freaking Andalite arms.
He moved about an inch, but you know.
( Of COURSE you're a dweeb Iniss! ) I exclaimed. ( You've ALWAYS been a dweeb. … Stop looking at me like that, you won't get ANYWHERE with these faces! … What? Of course Visser One hates you! She hates everyone except (insert sneer) Councilor Eight. )
" Did you just sneer?"
( Well it doesn't matter does it! ) I took Iniss's arm and started pulling him toward his room. ( … Now, YOU just be thankful Visser One is nice to you. )
" NICE? What sort of cornflakes – I mean… She's not NICE to me at all! She's mean! Cruel! Do you know how I feel every time I see her with (insert sneer) Councilor Eight?"
I snorted.
( Mean? Cruel? HAH! Iniss, until you magically transform into me, you'll most probably never see Visser One "mean". )
" Um… excuse me!" Ellie cut in, stepping up from behind me. " But like, what the hell is going on here? And who's that?"
( That… ) I said disgustedly, jerking my thumb at my personal assistant, ( is Iniss. )
" Iniss Two-Two-Six?" Ellie asked increduously.
" That's right," said Iniss, entering his incredibly wimpy "tough guy" mode. " And who are you?"
" Oh, I'm Ellie." said Ellie dismissively. " Visser Three's new like, intern."
She giggled. It was a jaw-grinding, window-breaking sound.
And trust me, if Ellie broke a window in this ship, we could all die.
( MUST you freaking GIGGLE after every sentence? ) I exclaimed, exasperated.
" Like, yeah!" she giggled AGAIN. " I always giggle. It's like an instinct!"
I just glared at her.
( Okay, people, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll be heading back to my room now. ) I gave Iniss a meaningful look, hoping, PRAYING that he would get a clue.
Of course, as you may have guessed, he didn't. Why do I even try?
( Ellie, ) I forced a smile. ( You'll be sharing Iniss's room tonight. )
" But… but Visser, don't you find my room is kind of cramp -- " Iniss started.
( Nonsense Iniss! ) I exclaimed, just oozing fake joy. ( You two will be just fine. Now, I'll be seeing you later. )
I opened my door and stepped into my room.
" But Visser -- " Iniss started again.
( LEAVE! ) I snapped.
Iniss, of course, didn't have to be told twice. He and Ellie sped off to his room without another word.
I looked around the corner to make sure they were gone, and when I heard the far-away sound of a door sliding closed, I knew they had arrived at destination.
I exhaustedly let my own door close and walked over to the nearest wall only to find myself banging my head repeatedly on the smooth metal.
( Why me! ) I screamed. ( WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME! )
I stopped banging my head and rubbed my fingers against my sore temples. I was stressed to begin with, and I didn't exactly feel the need for a girly, giggling intern to come into my life right now!
( My life is a disaster, ) I moaned, stroking my now-bulging forehead.
I decided I couldn't stay in my room alone with my thoughts. I needed to go for a long walk, get some fresh air, go to the bathroom (well, maybe not right now, but you know)…
I left my room again and soon decided to stop by and visit Visser One. Strangely enough, right now a nice argument was the only way I could think of to relieve all that stress.
Okay, so it wasn't a long walk. It was actually about three steps. What gives? I had to do SOMETHING okay! The voices were starting to ring in my head…
Stress.
Ellie.
Like, Visser Three!
VIIIIIIISSER!
You're a creepy dapsen, you know that?
I'm like an intern!
Am I a DWEEB, Visser!
Hihihihihihihihi! It's like an instinct!
ARGH! You stupid voices! Leave me alone!
And what was funny was that through all this, the only thing I knew for sure at that moment was that if I didn't get all these voices out of my head by tonight, they were going to form the most retarded dream that ever existed.
- DRRRRR.
- Knock knock!
( Visser One, are you there? ) I called.
No answer. I pressed my ear against the door… Voices… I heard voices. Or was it just my imagination? No matter. I knew Visser One was there. Though why she wasn't answering was beyond me.
I rang the doorbell again. When there was still no answer, I decided to go in the hard way: I morphed a tiny insect from planet who-knows-where and crawled under the door. Which wasn't very hard considering a was a twentieth-of-an-inch-long spec with blue and purple wings.
Once I crawled under, I demorphed, resuming my Andalite shape whose forehead was now no longer bruised and bloody.
I could hear laughing in the next room. Visser One's bedroom. Intrigued, and wondering if perhaps Visser One had gone even madder than she already was and was now reduced to laughing her fricking head off at every random thing that happened.
Well, as you may have guessed, I was too damn curious for my own good. I edged myself quietly toward the room, so that Visser One wouldn't suspect a thing. I thought of many possibilities of what I was about to see.
But none of them came even remotely close to reality.
Lucky for me, Visser One's door was slid halfway open. And as I approached the voices got louder and louder.
Smirking interiorly at the fact that I was completely violating Visser One's privacy, I looked into the room…
Okay.
No.
What the hell!
The smirk was wiped off my face instantly, replaced by extremely wide eyes. I couldn't help but let out a little thought-spoken sound as I gazed on at… at them.
Yes, that's right, them. Visser One and Councilor Eight. They were sitting on her bed with Councilor Eight's back to me, and Visser One was sitting on his lap, facing, with one leg on each side of him. Her legs were left hanging down the side of the bed as she smiled and leaned in for a kiss.
They kissed for a good two minutes as I looked on, unnoticed, in… in what? Horror? Disgust? Repulsiveness? Stupefaction?
I don't know. But the really strange thing about it all was that right at that moment the only feeling I knew for sure I had was just some random thing that didn't make any sense. I mean, I felt like killing Councilor Eight. … Does that make any sense to you?
… Whatever! You know, sometimes my mind is just so screwed up I can't even think straight! I mean, kill Councilor Eight? What the hell! Sometimes I get the feeling I just may need some sort of stress medication.
Suddenly, the kiss broke and Visser One's eyes opened slowly… Almost immediately she noticed me and in a split-second her expression changed from lust to alarm. She opened her mouth to speak.
" What the hell!" she exclaimed loudly. The sudden exclamation alarmed me.
Not wanting to know what would happen if Councilor Eight turned around and saw me, I turned around as fast as I could and bolted out of the room. But still, as I ran, I heard their voices behind me, growing fainter and fainter with every step I took.
" What is it?" Councilor Eight asked gently.
I heard a long, distressed pause before Visser One replied.
" … Nothing." she finally said in a tone that surprised me. " It's nothing."
And with that, I pressed the open pad and the door slid open, letting me out into the hallway.
---
That evening, much, much later, I heard a knock on the door. When I got up to open I was actually quite surprised to find Visser One standing there.
( Visser One. ) I said in a tone even I didn't recognize.
" What the hell were you doing in my room today?" she exclaimed. " When I didn't answer the door I thought for sure you would figure out that I was freaking BUSY!"
( I wanted someone to yell at, ) I admitted. ( I was having a bad day. )
" So you walk in on Councilor Eight and I?" she threw out her hands, exasperated.
( Look, when I went in there I didn't expect to find you in under garments sitting on Councilor Eight's lap! It just happened! )
Visser One paused and looked at me sternly.
" It bothers you, doesn't it?" she asked.
( What bothers me? )
" That I have other things to do besides fighting with you all day!"
( It doesn't bother me! Do what you want! See if I care! )
" Well here's the thing, Visser Three. I'm not all yours."
And with that she walked away, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
That night I didn't get to sleep until really late. And it turns out I did have a really retarded dream. Only this dream involved chasing down Councilor Eight with an axe.
It was about two a.m. when I finally fell asleep. That one question just kept popping up into my mind, burning my insides, churning my stomach.
It bothers you, doesn't it?
And the sad thing was, I wasn't all that sure I knew the answer.
Until my return,
Esplin 9466
Oh my god! Can it be? A SAD ending! Okay, I know the ending wasn't funny, but I hope you guys liked that little temporary change from humor to drama! Please review and tell me what you think!
Now, ON to my favorite chapter! Chapter 11… haha! Now THAT one's gonna be funny. Stay tuned:D