A/N: Hey guys! For this one special chapter, let's get a glimpse into the mind of Visser One… For reasons you'll understand later on, this chapter is in her narrative! Also, THIS IS ANOTHER TWO-PARTER! I know, I know, that sucks... butI had to divide this into two parts since it was twelve pages long and nowhere NEAR being done. Here's part one, and you can expect part two sometime in the next two weeks, MOST PROBABLY sometime this week. Enjoy!
Now that we're almost in the 90s for reviews, I'm going to let everyone know that just as the 50th reviewer prize, there WILL be a 100th Reviewer Prize. Trust me, any V3D fan wants this prize. So don't forget to review, by next chapter, YOU might be the 100th reviewer!
This chapter is dedicated to Tobyas, and please read his story, "The Life of Visser 7", which is a side story he wrote to Visser Three's Diary! Thanks Tobyas! Also, to thank him, his character, Visser Seven, is guest-starring in this chapter. Enjoy Tobyas!
I really. Seriously. Do not own Animorphs. Don't sue me. I mean it.
Chapter 12 – Host Swap, Part One
Visser One's PoV
Well then.
It's been a long week… It seems the chemical plant down the hall exploded and left temporary effects on two people taking an unfortunate part in my already miserable life.
By all accounts you should NOT be reading this. In fact, the only way you could possibly be reading this is if that idiot Visser Three stole it and stuck it in his diary! Hah! As if that would happen.
That would, of course, mean he had the key code to my room. Which, by all accounts, should not be. Although now… who knows?
In any case, let's start at the beginning. Which, strangely enough, started Friday night at the shipboard Yeerk pool.
Friday night. Visser Three's and my feeding day. And that of Councilor Four and (eyeroll…) Councilor Three. LORDS is he annoying! I cannot stand him! Only the lords know why he keeps getting invited places with us!
… Or maybe he isn't invited. Maybe he's a stalker.
Oh goody! Yet another one to add to my list!
… I need a vacation.
Anyhow, that night, that annoying low-rank Iniss Two-Two-Six decided to accompany us to the pool… Joy. I know I sound very sombre today… but you know, YOU would be too if… Shudder… Well, you'll see soon enough.
It started out with Councilor Four, Visser Three and I kind of leaving the… other two… behind. We walked casually over to the market, stopping at an occasional window to stare in disgust at a bloated Taxxon feasting on something perhaps still alive.
But mostly, we engaged in light-hearted conversation!
( Soooo… why are we here? ) Visser Three of course.
" Because you decided to bring your annoying P.A. along and we're trying to get rid of him." I snapped accusingly.
( ME! You know he follows me everywhere! ) Visser Three exclaimed.
" Naaah… he follows me everywhere." I rolled my eyes.
( Well yeah but…) he paused, giving me a slight fish eye. ( Same difference! )
" You're a dapsen for hiring him!" I said.
( Well YOU can just stop hanging out with me! )
" Me? Ahahaha! That's hilarious. YOU'RE hanging out with ME!"
( Stupid. )
" Retard."
" You guys argue like an old married couple, you know that?" exclaimed Councilor Four, just jumping right in.
" Yeeeah… we know," I said.
I gave Visser Three an affectionate jab in the stomach.
( Yow! ) he yelled, grabbing my arm and twisting it.
I made a face.
" Now, now," said Councilor Four, rolling his eyes. " Let's not get physical!"
" Physical?" I raised an eyebrow at Visser Three. " With him? Gross."
Visser Three made an incredibly disgusting, I dare say offended, face in my direction.
" Especially with that face." I laughed. " No really Visser Three. You have to find a way to improve that face."
( I wouldn't talk, you imbecile! Ever looked in the mirror? )
" Actually I have and it wasn't very disappointing. I'm sure you can't say the same for yourself."
" Well… it is the inside that counts," Councilor Four said, shrugging at Visser Three.
I glared at him. " Thanks a lot!"
" Urgh! This is lame!" Councilor Four exclaimed.
I gave him a sideways punch in the stomach.
" You sound like Visser Two!" I yelled, taking on my 'mocking Visser Two' voice: " 'This is lame, this is lame'!"
( Visser One? Are you feeling alright? )
" I'm hungry you imbecile, how about you?"
( Ooooookay. Sorry I asked. )
… Now may be a good time to mention that I get in an extremely bad mood when I'm hungry. It isn't my fault.
Really.
Where was Councilor Eight when you needed him?
" Okay, now I'm really hungry guys. Who cares about that stupid Iniss and Loud-And-Nasal? Let's just go FEED before I take it out on you Visser Three."
Visser Three raised an eyebrow. ( Why is it that I'm always the guinea pig? )
I shrugged, smiled and winked self-mockingly at him. " I'm just lucky I guess."
( … Right. )
---
So we went to stand in line… blah, blah, blah, pointless chatter. Fast forward… Cut to me knocking over a random Hork-Bajir and practically leaping into the pool.
" Yes! Finally! FOOD!" I yelled. " Grab the host, grab the host!"
The two Hork-Bajir grabbed my human host, Isabel, by both her arms, as I eagerly made my way out of her ear and into the SWEET KANDRONA-FILLED LIQUID! … Okay, sorry. I'm just driven to my feeding day.
'Someday, when I'm an incredibly fat old Yeerk, I'll have no one to blame but myself.' Yada yada. Fricking Overeaters Anonymous Yeerk groups… Yes, yes we have them too. It isn't only you humans who get to suffer. Joy suffering.
Anyway.
I plunged into the pool and… ahh… my Yeerk senses were ecstatic. I was in heaven. This was the ultimate sensation, to feel myself revitalize, strengthen little by little.
Other Yeerks bumped into me. I wondered if maybe one of them was Councilor Eight. I wished he was here right now, this little feeding frenzy would be much more, ah, interesting were he here.
I was so caught up in my thoughts that I didn't think very much of it when some random YEERK shot past me with incredible speed, making me spin on myself until I was dizzy. If it is even possible for a Yeerk to get dizzy unless they happen to be on oatmeal.
( EXCUUUSE ME! ) I squeaked uncontrollably, angry beyond belief. So much for my happy day.
( Sooooooooooooooooooooorrryyyyyyyyyyy!) droned the evidently hyper dapsen.
I made an interior eyeroll. How stupid can you get?
… Like Visser Three. GEEZ he's slow! … It's actually cute how stupid he is.
( You better be! ) I shrieked.
Funny how somehow the squeaky, ultrasonic voice seemed familiar… ah well. You know, I was kind of too ANGRY to CARE right then.
( Stupid idiotic dapsen… ) I muttered to myself. ( Bumping into a high-ranking Visser such as myself… Young Yeerks these days have absolutely no -- )
( INISS, HAVE YOU GONE MAD! ) shrieked Visser Three from, well, not so far away…
- BUMP!
( Ahh! ) And… there I went…
Spinning. Again. What was I, a spinning top?
( Visser Three you MORON! ) I yelled at him, raging. ( Trust me, you'll see MAD if you lay a SINGLE ANTENNAE on me again! )
( Sohohohorryyyyyy! ) Visser Three wailed. And somehow I doubt he was crying because of my angry death threat.
( Gofan KERLAY WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS POOL! ) I yelled silently, angrily of course, to myself.
At least… for a few moments I thought it had been to myself…
( I don't know Visser but… you're surely looking great today? ) said a tiny, squeaky, hesitant voice nearby, proving me wrong.
I spun around instinctively, although it helped nothing of course: What was the point? I couldn't see him no matter which way I was pointed!
( Hello? What is your name, you insolent little twit? ) I asked calmly enough.
( Um… Temrash Three-Two-Six? ) the strange… person… replied. ( Well, my rank is Visser Seven if that's what you meant. )
( Uh huh. That'll do. And, yes, Visser Seven? You ARE aware that I of course look like nothing, since in fact you cannot see me. )
( I am aware, Visser. I was simply supposing, since you always look great. )
( Ohh quit your blubbering, ) I sneered.
I swam away slowly, hoping I would drive this new annoyance away from my life. But, unfortunately, I soon noticed that Visser Seven was still following me.
… Oye.
( Hey Visser One? ) Visser Seven called from just behind me. ( Did you know that this creepy low-rank, Iniss Two-Two-Six I think… thinks I'm his dad? Is that strange or what? )
( Yes, that is strange, ) I droned. ( Considering that your "son" stalks me twenty-four-seven. )
( Stalks you? How? )
( He installed a camera in my shower. )
( Ahh. Strange character, that one. )
( Yeeah… You bet, ) I sighed.
( I guess I -- )
( You know what? ) I interrupted. ( My little Yeerk stomach is starting to hurt, so I'm just going to get out of the pool. )
( Great! Me too. I'm going to get out as well. ) Visser Seven beamed.
I rolled my nonexistant eyes. Drat.
( Greeeat, ) I said, trying to sound enthusiastic.
I swam quickly up to the pier, in a last desperate attempt to chase off Visser Seven. To no avail. The two Hork-Bajir guards brought Isabel out from her cage and held her under for me to squeeze my way back into her brain. Soon, I was at full capacity again, PLUS with arms, legs and eyes!
" Nice." I told myself, satisfied. " That was good."
" What was that, Visser?" the biggest of the Hork-Bajir guards said in the nicest way possible. " Do you need anything?"
" Naah," I said coldly. " Mind your business, Tiny."
I walked away. Where Visser Three and Councilor Four were was beyond me. Not that I exactly cared where Visser Three was. But you already know that…
I was walking away from the pool quickly enough, and I had just started to catch my breath when suddenly a hand touched my shoulder.
"AAH!"
I spun around. It turns out the person who had so INDISCREETLY clasped my shoulder was in fact a Yeerk with a handsome brown-haired, blue-eyed human host. He wasn't very tall. Unless you consider me tall. We were just about the same height.
" Hey, Visser One, it's me Visser Seven. From the pool." He smiled. " Remember me?"
I exhaled deeply. " Yes, of course," I said, just dripping fake joy. " I don't have that bad a memory."
" Oh! No," Visser Seven said quickly. " I didn't mean --"
" You know what?" I suggested. " Just drop it."
" Okay."
He looked me over, while trying not to LOOK like he was looking me over. I didn't really care you know, I get that EVERY DAY.
Funny thing is, even though it was the first time I'd actually spoken to Visser Seven one on one, I still recognized him. He was a fairly popular Yeerk around the Empire ship. He didn't hang around with our regular group, and I practically never saw him, but I knew him because he hangs out, among others, with one of my best female friends, Jaell One-Eight-Two, and her first mate Visser Eighteen.
But still, I found it kind of awkward to be suddenly stuck with this Visser whom I hardly even knew, so, strangely enough, it was like a call from the heavens when I heard the "clop, clop" of delicate hooves coming this way.
But if I was happy to see him, I didn't let it show.
Obviously.
" Ohh nooo…" I droned, rolling my eyes.
" What?" Visser Seven asked, just COMPLETELY oblivious.
( Viiisser Onne! ) the intoxicated four-legged stinky blue dapsen called out.
" That." I pointed at same blue dapsen, addressing Visser Seven.
" Oh."
Visser Three self-mockingly smiled like a dork, coming to a halt in front of me. ( Viiiiiisser ONE! )
" Visser Three!" I said, absolutely irritated.
Suddenly, in front of a speechless Visser Seven, Visser Three walked up and laced him arms around my waist in a… hug?
" Wh… what?" I said, trying to push the intoxicated dapsen away. " Let me go, you moron, let me go before this makes the home page of YeerkEmpire.uni!"
" Um…" Visser Seven cut in. " Aren't you and Visser Three like… worst enemies?"
" Yes! We are!" I exclaimed, just as surprised as he was. Then, redirecting my more-or-less attention back to the incredible pervert which was Visser Three, " You hear? We're worst enemies! NOW LET ME GO!"
Strangely enough, Visser Three obeyed and let go.
I don't know what kind of drugs he was on, but it was seriously starting to creep me out to the point of being traumatized for the rest of all eternity.
" Okay." I said calmly… so much for calmly. " WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?"
I slapped him across the face, and then… and then…
He cried.
Oh my God.
Visser Three, Torturer Extraordinaire, Person-Who-Has-No-Feelings, cold, evil, ruthless Visser Three actually cried. CRIED! Real Andalite tears!
" Oookay, what is going on with you?" I exclaimed.
" Is he crying?" Visser Seven asked, both concerned and awed.
" Shut up," I said urgently.
( Why must you always HURT me! ) Visser Three bawled. ( It's painful! No one wants to be hurt, Visser One! )
" Oh yeah," I snapped, just plain offended. " Tell that to the Yeerk whom you tortured in every possible way at least a million times."
I pointed at myself, wide-eyed in anger.
( But… snif… You started it! )
" So what!" I yelled. " … Wait a second… I did not!"
( Yeeees! You… snif… DIHIHIHIHIHID! Waaaaaaaahh! WAAAAAAH! )
He ran up and threw his arms around me again, bawling his eyes out, with me just standing there, still completely oblivious to what the hell I DID.
And may I mention that, the whole time I was standing there, frozen in place, exchanging scared glances with Visser Seven (who was still there of course), that idiot Visser Three just kept crying and crying and crying.
People were starting to stare.
" Get off, get OFF!" I urged the stupid Yeerk having a mental breakdown on my shoulder.
" What's wrong with him?" Visser Seven squeaked, his first words for quite a while.
" I don't know," I said, struggling to get Visser Three off me (YOU try lifting a six-thousand-pound Andalite off your shoulder in a scrawny human host!). " Maybe he's sick or something, how should I know?"
" Well, shouldn't we find out?"
" Excuse me? Do I CARE if my worst enemy is sick to the point of delusion?"
" Pardon me ma'am but I think you should be… After all, he IS hugging you… What if he gets worse?"
I blinked twice. " You're sick!"
" I am."
I raised an eyebrow at him. But when Visser Three starting rubbing his furry blue cheek against mine (which is, creepily enough coming from him, a Yeerk kiss), I decided that perhaps Visser Seven was right after all and that we should be getting the hell out of here…
So, dragging Visser Three (who was still trying to touch me…), we slowly made our way to my room. And when I say slowly I mean VERY slowly. So slowly we actually took the time to not only notice but REFLECT on what was happening around us.
Eventually (thank the Empire), we arrived at the room. I quickly punched in my key code and then, to my incredible relief, the door slid open.
I turned to Visser Seven, who was apparently trying to hold Visser Three's head away from the pink corridor wall. " Bring him inside, we'll try to figure out what in the name of Akdor is wrong with him."
Visser Seven nodded, looking only slightly terrified. He dragged the poor imbecile which was Visser Three into my room, which normally the huge dapsen would not be allowed into, but hey, everyone makes exceptions.
( Well this is a gosh darn pretty room isn't it? ) Visser Three blurted kind of drunkenly. ( I like the walls, and – oh! FLUFFY PINK MAT! )
I slapped my forehead and rubbed my hand along my face in exasperation. What was he, three?
" Visser Three, did you eat anything particular today?" I asked in the nicest tone possible.
" Oatmeal, perhaps?" Visser Seven chimed in. " … No? Cheese? Cornflakes?"
" Chocolate?" I prodded.
" Butter?" Visser Seven.
" Flavored ham?"
" Nutrigrain bars?"
" Granola?"
" Cereal bran?"
" … Eggs?"
" … Eggs?" Visser Seven raised an eyebrow.
I shrugged.
( No, nooo, none of that! ) Visser Three suddenly sported a huge smile. ( But I would like a huge bowl of oatmeal. )
" Ohhh no." I frowned. " No no. Let's not forget what happened last time you had oatmeal."
" Ohh yes…" he smiled dumbly. " Did you have fun? Oh I wish I was there!"
I raised an eyebrow. " Empire to Visser Three. You were there!"
" I was? … I mean, oh yeah! I was!"
" Riiiight…" Visser Seven said. " I'm just going to pretend I have the slightest idea of what you two are talking about. Although now… now I'm starting to get a picture in my mind, and trust me when I say it ain't pretty."
I smiled. " You got that right."
( Let's think of a fun activity… ) Visser Three said, completely ignoring us. ( I know! Visser One, come sit on my lap while I eat thousands and thousands of granola bars! )
" … Granola bars, Visser Three?" I asked sceptically. " You don't even have a mouth."
( Yes I do! ) Visser Three exclaimed.
" You're having delusions." I said. " Let's get you to bed. Maybe you'll come to your senses by morning."
( Bed? ) his entire face lit up. ( Wooohooo! )
I made a face. " Mm. Come to think of it, more like couch."
( Ooh. Even better. ) his eyes glazed over.
" Okaaay," I muttered, just a BIT freaked out. " I don't know what kind of rotten, poisonous pipe you travelled in today, but --"
He reached out his hand and started stroking my leg. Of course, I simply wouldn't have it. I slapped him in the face and he just slumped down onto the floor.
Visser Seven walked up and we both looked down at the writhing mess in horror.
" Is he dead?" Visser Seven asked hopefully.
" No you moron, he isn't dead!" I looked at him like maybe he was stupid. " Can't you hear the infernal sounds of his almost snorting breathing?"
" Oh. Yeah. Well, Visser, you can't be mad at me for hoping."
( Visser One? ) Visser Three asked weakly, waking up.
" Yes, Visser Three?" I said exasperatedly.
( If I die… can I bring you with me in my coffin? )
I just stared at him.
" You big doaf!" I exclaimed. Then… after a few deeeeeep breaths… I added calmly, " If you bury me in your coffin, trust me, you'll wish you were dead because I will revive you and beat the living daylights out of you."
He looked at me.
Then, he looked behind me.
His smile froze directly off his face.
" VIIIIIIISSER!" he shrieked, jumping to his feet. " Oh no!"
I turned around. So did Visser Seven. I had to rub my eyes to make sure I wasn't sleeping. But it was true. Very true.
And also very scary.
There, standing directly behind me, was… well, Iniss. And not only Iniss. Iniss, with the single most murderous glance I have ever seen.
" Give me back my host you rotten scum of a personal assistant!" Iniss shrieked.
My confused gaze shifted to Visser Three, now on his guard. Visser Three stared back, looking equally confused.
( What are you talking about Iniss? This is not your host, it's my host! MINE, MINE, MINE! )
" No it isn't!" Iniss screamed. " It's mine! I can't believe you STOLE Alloran from me at the pool. I just can't believe it."
I looked from Iniss to Visser Three and back again. Visser Seven looked at me questioningly. Visser Three and Iniss looked at each other, and everyone was just looking at someone. But by now I knew. I knew.
" It's mine! I can't believe you STOLE Alloran from me at the pool. I just can't believe it."
Iniss, being the brainless dapsen that he is, would never have been able to think a lie like that up on his own without it sounding like a total lie. So the only clear explanation was… Visser Three, as in Andalite-hosted Visser Three, wasn't really Visser Three at all.
" You STOLE Visser Three's host?" I exclaimed, spinning to face Visser Three... Iniss… whoa, I'm getting all confused here.
Anyway, I turned to Iniss in Alloran and glared surprisingly.
" But why?" I couldn't help but ask.
( No, I won't tell you! ) Iniss yelled with Visser Three's voice.
I was about to rage at him. But before I could get a Dracon beam and shoot off the fool's head, I felt a hand grab my shoulder.
" Come with me!" I heard Iniss… no, Visser Three… say.
I turned around and walked with him outside, looking dreadfully pissed. We left behind us a terrified Visser Seven and a maniacal Andalite-Controller now known as Iniss Two-Two-Six.
" But – but Vissers!" Visser Seven implored.
" Make sure you watch him!" I yelled back before shutting the door.
I turned to Visser Three, my back against the wall. He looked completely murderous.
" HOW could that dweeb steal my host?" he yelled, stomping his feeble Iniss foot on the ground. " I was the only Andalite-Controller! He can't steal away my glory, I --"
I grabbed his shoulders and shook him rougly. " You moron! A situation like this and all you can think about is your damn Andalite host? Don't you realize that we have more problems here!"
" Like…?" that stupid idiot dared to ask. As if he was the only freaking Yeerk on the homeworld.
" Listen you fricking dapsen!" I pointed to the door and lowered my voice. " If that deranged creep stays in that host for long enough, we could all die."
" You like saying that, don't you?" Visser Three asked, completely irrelevantly.
" You suck, Visser Three." I said after a short pause.
" I hate to agree, but in this host, yes I do." Visser Three agreed.
" I think Iniss's defective brain cells got stuck to the human and are starting to rub off on you."
He hit me. I slapped him. He got mad and kicked me. I got mad and shoved him against the nearest wall.
" Okay, okay!" Visser Three said. " We aren't going to fix ANYTHING like this. We're going to have to get Iniss out of my host."
" But how? We can't exactly wait three days!" I exclaimed.
" Listen, Visser One." Visser Three sighed. " Unfortunately, I know Iniss. And if there's one thing that Iniss is, it's determined. I hate to say it, but I think that for three days, it'll have to stay like this. Me in his host, and him in my host. Let's just hope everything doesn't go completely and totally wrong."
" Yeah, let's hope." I said, glaring at him.
We started walking away, just to escape from the horror that we would most likely face up to in the next few days.
" Are you sure about this?" I asked nervously.
" Nope!" Visser Three replied.
I sighed. " I thought not."
He looked at me. " Well, it's alright isn't it? Like I said, as long as everything doesn't go completely and totally wrong!"
I looked pretty sceptical. You would be too, if you had to live with a maniac in an Andalite host just next door.
I kept on walking, a bit faster.
" Let's hope, Visser Three." I said. " And if you're wrong, I'll kill you."
Stay tuned for part two of "Host Swap!", coming soon to a computer near you:P
And while you're at it, please review part one!