A/N: THANK YOU ANICRAZY for your reviews, and especially this one, for chapter 11!
I don't know why,but I have always supported V3/V1 pairings.Call me crazy...ANICRAZY!YAY!Suger high,heh-heh!
You are not crazy! My GOD no! Being a Closet Fan (V3/V1 supporter), that was perhaps THE best review I have ever received:D (gives you a cookie)… lol, sorry Ember:P
No wait… SECOND best. Okay. I just LOVE Ember's chapter 13 review WAY too much to replace it. :D
Also, today is my birthday! So please enjoy this special BIRTHDAY UPDATE:D
This chapter is dedicated to Aizxana and Marco Dude. Thanks for your reviews! Aizxana, thanks for the long chats on MSN, and Marco Dude, don't worry, you aren't the only Malaysian in the world.
Also dedicated to Traycon 3, Visser Three's Diary's 100th Reviewer. Thanks for your review, and I hope you enjoy your prize!
Visser Three's Diary
Chapter 14: It's Fun to Stay at the V
July 22nd
Entry 11
Dear Diary,
Today, to "celebrate" our official fifth day with my intern, Ellie (we would have celebrated the second day if it hadn't been for the VERY irritating THREE DAYS of INISS STEALING MY HOST! But anyhow…), I decided to take her to visit the gym where we high-ranking Vissers, and sometimes even Councilors, train for combat, Dracon Beam drills and other equally important stuff. Except Councilor Eight, of course... He just comes to show off his muscles to anyone who will look, and stare at (and try to impress) Visser One.
But enough about Mr. Incredible Show-Off. I decided it would be a good idea to show Ellie the gym, considering that if she followed in Visser One's footsteps and became the second female Visser, she'd need a good place to train so she could beat Visser One. And make me laugh.
... Actually, even though I am totally AGAINST the idea of females becoming Vissers, I definitely encouraged the idea of Ellie becoming one. It was just for the incredible pleasure of seeing Visser One's face when she found out she was no longer the only female Visser, you know? Heh. That'd be the day.
... And yeeeaaaah... I KNOW 'totally' is a feminine word. Holy frig, would YOU PEOPLE LEAVE ME ALONE!
So yeah, we got to the gym at about ten in the morning. Just only slightly late. As soon as we arrived, we realized that everyone was already doing the regular warm-up: a quick jog around the gym.
Pfft, I thought to myself smugly. Who needs a warm-up when you've got the best host body in the entire Yeerk Empire?
I revelled in my glory for a few moments, then looked at Ellie to make sure she was still there. She was, of course, but I quickly noticed she seemed a bit lost in her thoughts. Following her gaze I realized she was looking at a guy with a tall, brown-haired, blue-eyed human host.
" Who are you looking at?" I asked, just eavesdropping a little.
" Oh, it's Visser Twenty-Five!" Ellie said, slightly staring. " I... I've liked him since like forever."
Not gonna happen. I said simply.
" But why not?" exclaimed Ellie, her dreams shattered. " I mean, I'm pretty, right? So like, why can't he like me?"
I fakely thought that over for a moment.
Because unfortunately, Visser One exists.
I looked at Visser One. She was running beside Councilor Eight (of course). They are SUCH the perfect couple: Mr. and Mrs. Almighty Dapsen.
Visser One was seriously showing herself off. Not that she doesn't always show herself off. But today was like the ultimate show-off day...: She was wearing a skin-tight gold tank top that stopped at her lower stomach, and with straps that were maybe a bit more than a millimeter wide. Hey, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt!
But what got the males really staring were her low-rise, one hundred percent spandex black shorts. Mm-hm. You should have seen the poor, whimpering guys. Those unworthy Vissers...
" Visser Three?" asked Ellie, indignated. " I like just asked you a question!"
Good for you.
- SMACK!
AAAOOOWW! I yelled at my slapping intern. You VISSER ONE!
" Wow, like, compliment!" Ellie yelled, jumping up and down like a female Alloran.
NO, it wasn't a compliment! I said. In case you were wondering, super hottie over there is actually a big --
" Hi Ellie!"
... Oh God.
Ellie tensed up. Her eyes locked with mine, begging me for advice. Of course. She was nothing but a low-rank compared to --
" Visser One!" Councilor Eight called. " Aren't you going to come practice combat with me?"
" In a minute," said Visser One, waving her hand royally at him.
Then, she turned back to face my intern. Great. Yet another bad influence on our poor Ellie. First Iniss, now Visser One! Let's just hope she doesn't turn to the bad side like so many before her...
" Visser One?" asked Ellie. " Wow. Hi!"
" I heard you're trying to become a Visser," Visser One said, suddenly enthusiastic.
" Yeah," said Ellie.
" I was the same way when I was younger. Except I was never exactly an intern..." said Visser One. " But forget about that."
Of COURSE forget about that... Pfft. Right, Visser One. You just don't want to talk about your troubled past on Earth with fricking high-ranking engineer Essam Two-Nine-Three, who was a SUBORDINATE to you, but with whom you STILL went and had TWINS. Human TWINS. You think I don't know?
... Just WAIT until I denounce her to the Council... Heh... Then she'll be Dead Essam's soon-to-be-dead mate! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Ah GOD, I am EVIL!
... Visser One's a WI-DOW, Visser One's a WI-DOW! Na na na NA NA!
I'm almost sorry Councilor Eight doesn't know about his little mate's little secret... Heh. He'd cry like a little baby if he knew that Visser One still loooooooves Essam... Pfft, lucky for him that Yeerk females get two mates...
ANYWAY. Back to the conversation between Ellie and Visser One the Engineer Lover. I swear she was trying to brainwash MY intern!
... And man, I hope she didn't hear me call her super hottie... WHOA! Heh. Diary. Private... LEAVE!
" So Ellie," Visser One smirked, shifting her gaze to me. " I see you got assigned to this incompetent dapsen here."
( I. Am NOT -- ) I started angrily.
" Oh shut up, Visser Three." She waved her hand dismissively. " No one cares."
Beyond my patience, I swung my tail forward and slapped her with the side of the blade. She brought her hand to her face in shock.
Everyone in the gym immediately shut up and stared at us.
" Visser Three!" Ellie exclaimed. " Like, you don't hit a female! Haven't they like taught you proper conduct?"
( I -- )
" It's okay Ellie," said Visser One. " Let me handle this."
She walked up, drew back her hand, and slapped me so hard I literally almost fell down. Yes, me, in my strong, stable – ahh, well… not mentally – Andalite host.
And then, if that wasn't enough, she backhanded me equally hard! I was speechless from the shock of being, you know, SMACKED repeatedly in the FACE.
" Never touch me again you damn dapsen!" she yelled angrily.
" Ouch," commented Councilor Four sympathetically.
" Ha ha, I'm so glad I'm not him!" That idiot Visser Four laughed like a dying gerbil.
I gave Visser One a wide-eyed glare.
( Abuse! ) I yelled.
" Abuse my ass." Visser One exclaimed stubbornly. " You started it. That hurt, you moron!"
I clutched my face with one hand and threw the other one up to the sky. ( And THIS DIDN'T? )
" Well if it did I'm glad!" she yelled.
Councilor Eleven, a sixty-five-year-old grandpa Yeerk with a clean cut brown mustache, walked up to us, looking really pissed. And to think, that's what I'm going to be in ten years if I don't clean up my act.
" Okay, both of you cheer up, or you're not getting lunch!" he snapped, walking on.
" Councilor Eleven!" Councilor Eight protested, obviously for his beloved Visser One's sake.
" Oh relax Councilor Eight, you're getting lunch," said Councilor Eleven almost droningly.
Councilor Eight was about to reply, but then Visser One, who had walked away from me with a glare, grabbed him by the arm and dragged him over to the combat matresses. A group of lower-ranked Vissers, and Councilor Seven, all went over to watch this… show.
( What a fricking butt ugly dapsen. ) I muttered to myself.
" Oh, that is obviously a huge lie," said Ellie in her ever-so-girly voice. " I mean, I'm so jealous. I like, couldn't make a host that pretty if my like LIFE depended on it! Are you like gay or something?"
( Noooo, ) I said a bit impatiently. ( I am not GAY. Just because I am not drooling over this female does not mean I'm gay! )
" Well you still don't think she's ugly. It's obvious."
( WHAT is obvious? ) I yelled.
" I just told you!" Ellie exclaimed.
I stopped running. Right. This conversation was going WAY too far in the wrong direction for my liking.
( You have a lot to learn, Ellie. ) I said. ( Look, Visser One and I are worst enemies. I hate her and she hates me. Are we clear on that? )
" Like, yes Visser," Ellie rolled her eyes, very disappointed.
We kept running, side by side, in silence…
… In my dreams.
" Admit it, you think she's pretty," she insisted.
I stopped again. I was getting tired of all this stopping. REALLY tired.
I took a deeeeep breath and tried not to let Alloran's angry intestines implode.
( I think she's beautiful. ) I said quite frankly.
I caught Ellie by the collar of her shirt.
( Now don't run off and tell her I said that! ) I exclaimed, pulling her back as she pouted. ( Fact is, I just don't see her in that way, she's my worst enemy. I hate her guts. Now will you just forget it? )
" AHHHHHH!" a shrieking cry floated above all the noise in the room, and everyone immediately fell silent.
The next thing I knew, Visser Four was running like a maniac towards the door, a pair of flaming… well, flaming pants in his hand. The smoke from the pants escaped towards the ceiling and triggered the water jets.
- TSHHHHHHHHH! TSHHHHHHHH! TSHHHHHHHH!
" Like, my HAIR!" screamed Ellie, clutching at her soaking wet head.
Visser Four still ran, followed shortly by Councilor Eight's older brother, Councilor Two, in his boxers! What the HELL was going on here?
" GIMMEBACKMYPANTS!" Councilor Two yelled uber-quickly.
Visser One whistled jokingly at him. Everyone laughed, except for me, and hey, except for Councilor Eight, who kind of glared protectively at his whistling mate. If it is even POSSIBLE to glare protectively.
" Don't even go there." Councilor Eight said. " That's my brother."
" Don't you worry," replied Visser One playfully. " I'm all yours. For now at least."
I rolled my eyes, irritated.
( Ellie, why don't you just stay here for a minute while I go chop off both their heads? They are such a nuisance. )
" Like, no way, Visser!" Ellie laughed. " Come on, let's like, lift weights!"
She took a ten-pound disc in her hand and lifted it with ease.
" Oh, come on Ellie, that's pathetic!" Visser One said jokingly, walking back up to us.
I turned to her, apparently angry. ( Look, I do not know what your problem is today, but will you just LEAVE ME ALONE? I'm trying to train my intern! )
" By making her lift TEN POUNDS?" Visser One exclaimed. " I have no idea where they went wrong with you."
Still fuming, I watched as she took the ten-pound disc from Ellie's hand and replacing it with a fifty.
" Uh!" Ellie exclaimed as her arm was roughly pulled down by the weight.
" That's the kind of thing you need to learn to lift at first," said Ms The-Human-Jane-Fonda Wannabe.
( I dislike you, ) I said spontaneously.
" I dislike you too." Visser One replied.
I know that, in normal times, Ellie would have had a little "Ellie Comment" to add to that, but at this moment she was far too absorbed in trying to lift the weight Visser One had given her to even think of anything else.
And if all this wasn't already bad enough… It only got worse.
The Emperor then arrived, in a human host like nothing I've ever seen.
It was scary. It really was. He was a male human, but yet had long black hair (and I MEAN long), and bluish eyes outlined in black eyeliner.
He was wearing spiky bracelets on each arm, dirty, ragged jeans, nose piercings, lip piercings, other piercings I might not want to mention, and a black, holed t-shirt inscribed "Rise of the Dead".
In fact, the only way we could possibly tell it was the Emperor was that he was wearing his red-and-gold Emperor's insignia.
… Which completely clashed with the outfit, may I add (already too much time with Ellie).
Visser One chuckled.
" You look like Ozzy Osbourne," the human expert herself said.
The Emperor smiled. " Thanks, that's what I was going for!"
( You meant to look like that? ) I enquired.
" Um… Yeah?" the Emperor replied. " Actually, I wanted to infest the real Ozzy Osbourne. Thought it would be a funny joke on my part. But I tell you, I spent three seconds in that brain and... oh, the HORROR! I had to turn back. That was too much for even the old Emperor to take!"
Everyone just kind of stared.
" So, as you see, I had to do with this look-alike," he continued. He threw his hands to his sides. " So? What do you think?"
We all still just stared. Strangely enough (not really), the person to break the dead silence was none other than Muscles-Make-Beauty himself, Councilor Eight.
" Hey, Emperor..." Councilor Eight snorted. " Visser Three called, he wants his favorite human morph back!"
" Hey Councilor Eight," I countered. " Visser One called, she wants her huge, ballistic ego back."
" I… I'm right here." Visser One said with her eyes shut in annoyance.
" So what!" I yelled, a bit louder than I meant to.
Visser One's eyes widened slightly. She looked at Councilor Eight, then back at me, then back at Councilor Eight, then back at… well, actually, Mr. Loud-And-Nasal, at whom she raised a disgusted eyebrow while he observed a large piece of week-old nose mucus from who-knows-where with a portable microscope.
" Soooomebody picks their nose," shot Visser Five (a guy who thinks he's REEAL funny), picking up a few stifled laughs, including Visser One's, who looked at him and probably smiled, since he seemed to melt.
May I now mention that Visser One and Visser Five are like the world's greatest friends? Besides some guy who was killed a few years back -- Tehlit Two-Eight-Six I think? – and her Taxxon of a personal assistant, Visser Five is her best friend. Unless you're counting Councilor Eight. He's not exactly a friend is he? More like a lover.
… That humanified creep of a dapsen who thinks he can just –
Ahem. Never mind. Time to move on with life.
" Councilor Seven, leave Visser One's shorts alone and concentrate on your Dracon beaming!" the Emperor exclaimed, now circling the gym, commenting on everyone's training. " Geez! If you keep getting lost in the clouds, I'm not responsible for the tragic loss of your head!"
Councilor Seven, who had obviously been too busy staring at Visser One's spandex shorts to notice that his opponent was FIRING a DRACON BEAM at his head, snapped out of it and looked back at his opponent. Then, we all heard a sharp scream as he miraculously dodged an oncoming beam of light like two centimeters away from his head. The beam passed right between his legs as he attempted the life-or-death splits. Still, it came just a millimeter away from possible deadly impact to his right leg.
" ... Or other important body parts," the Emperor muttered to himself, walking slowly away.
Well, not exactly away. More like towards us.
" Well, Vissers, let's see it," he said firmly. " What have you practiced today?"
( Oh, we practiced LOADS! ) I lied happily. ( We… we, um… we? )
" We like ran around the gym!" Ellie suggested helpfully.
( Yes. Yes we did, ) I smiled with all my nonexistant teeth. ( And… and Ellie lifted ten – euh, no FIFTY pounds. )
" And we… well, I had a combat round with Councilor Eight." Visser One added.
The Emperor, to put it mildly, was not very impressed.
" You Vissers have done basically no training since arrival at the gym, have you?" he asked.
( Well… That is… )
" No," Visser One looked down. " But I really did have a combat round with Councilor Eight."
" So, what have you done?" the Emperor exclaimed, throwing his hands into the air.
( Um… ) I looked at Visser One.
" … Argued," she said finally.
( Yep, ) I agreed. ( Loads of arguing. )
The Emperor, despite his frowns and disappointment, could not help but chuckle at that. " You have been arguing this entire time? … Do you two even agree on anything?"
( No, ) I replied quite honestly.
" In fact, the only thing we agree on is that we don't agree on anything," Visser One added with a slight eyeroll in my direction.
Ellie stared laughing manically. A sound to shatter a thousand windows.
( WHAT is your problem? ) I asked her, bidding the Emperor goodbye and walking away. It was safe to assume we were no longer wanted in this gym today. Visser One left also, but soon after left us to go her separate way. A.k.a. the changing rooms.
" You two are like, just so hilarious!" Ellie exclaimed.
( Well, ) I smirked. ( That's what you get for becoming intern of everyone's Most-Hated-Visser. And, coincidentally, a really funny guy! )
She laughed and giggled and laughed and giggled. Oh gee, I hoped she wasn't developing a CRUSH on me! If she did, she was DEAD. I tell you now, DEAD!
" Oh Visser?" Ellie asked as we walked around a corner. " There was something I was meaning to ask you."
( Yes? ) I asked, kind of dreadingly.
" You know…" she hesitated. " I'd really like to know… Does your personal assistant… Well, what does he think of me?"
( He thinks you're really nice, ) I replied. ( But why would you… ) Then it dawned on me. (Oh. Oh no! Ellie, what the hell! )
She just giggled. " He really does?" A huge smile lit up her face. " Like, YAY!"
She skipped and hummed a happy tune down the corridor.
I just stood there, horrified as it is pretty much possible.
ELLIE and INISS? What the freaking HELL! No, no! Never going to happen… Calm down, Visser. Calm down.
Calm down, you freaking moron!
Oh, just wait until Visser One learns about this. She'll be jumping for joy that Iniss can stop paying attention to her. As if he ever would…
But you can't kill hope, right?
I… have to spread this… around the whole Empire! Starting with her!
ELLIE likes INISS! Oh LORDS, the world is coming to an END!
But for now, until my return!
Esplin 9466.
Okay, lol, I know that was kind of retarded! But anyway, thanks for reading, and please, PLEASE review:D Come on, it's my birthday! Give me a break:P