Dedicated to Aizxana for proof reading this chapter. It's always good to have a first opinion:P
Also, to Ember Nickel, for being one of the funniest people I've ever met (well, kinda "met"). You make my day with those hilarious things you say, lol! That rhymes, like blu and yu:P:P
And last, but NOT least… DOyou guys REALIZE that there are now, officially, 4 chapters until the END of this fic:D Nice!
Visser Three's Diary
by Sinister Shadow
14+
Chapter 14: INISS's Diary!
July 26th
Entry fourteen.
Dear Diary,
Today was the day of ultimate doom. What happened now, you ask? Well...
It all started when Iniss got suddenly sick and had to go to the medical clinic down the hall. We, of course, were still on Visser One's Empire ship. In a few days, when all the Visser-Council reunions were over, we could finally LEAVE this horrible, cursed place and go back to my beloved Blade ship! But, of course, a few days is a few days, and with we being Iniss, Ellie and I, those few days ought to be preeeeetty long...
Well, Ellie isn't that bad, really. At least she doesn't have an anger problem twenty-four/seven like Visser One... But, along with Iniss, she too was absent right now. See, she was being brought on a guided tour of the Empire ship by Visser One and Councilor Eight.
Ellie likes Visser One. She's her idol (Grr). And, of course, when Visser One found out that MY intern idolized her... well, the rest is pretty much self-evident.
... But I mean... Geesh. You can't expect a perfectly sane person such as myself to believe that Visser One had no clue people idolized her. I mean, COME ON. Miniature as it is, I know you've got a brain in there somewhere, Visser One.
But anyway, those were the facts: Ellie was gone having the time of her life, Iniss was out "sick" (notice quotation!) for possibly the whole entire day, and I was all alone! My own P.A…. My OWN P.A. and even my INTERN ditched me. What is wrong with them? Especially since I am so incredibly nice to them both! But I guess that didn't matter anymore… Now, I had to find something else to do to occupy myself now that all three of my little temporary occupations – Iniss, Ellie and Visser One -- were gone doing their own thing.
What oh WHAT could I possibly do? Well… there were, in fact an entire list of possibilities!
I could… a) Go use the Andalite Porta-John for up to an hour (at least it would get freaking Alloran to stop nagging about last night's Iniss's Specialty Pudding…), b) Create yet another extensive plan to hopefully spy on Visser One and Councilor Eight sometime soon… Maybe tonight… Heh… c) Practice my EVIL LAUGH (!), d) Make plans to blow up Iniss's room… See? LOADS of possibilities!
But the thing is… Right then, I was way too bored to get up and do something! So I was just kind of hanging around, standing on the floor with my Andalite body and listening to Alloran make sounds that greatly resembled those of a constipated wiener dog… When I noticed my CHOCOLATE BAR was gone! I left it RIGHT THERE on the floating sofa table (that's what I call it, even though an Andalite owning a sofa is a virtually inconceivable idea…)! But, as my annoyed Andalite eyes just happened to pass upon the sofa table… I realized it was, well enough, NO LONGER THERE! I almost took a fit right then and there. Instead, I just sort of ran around the room screaming my brain out and threw a dead fish at the ship window. Just thank the lords I didn't take a fit.
Muttering to myself about the tragic loss of my beautiful chocolate bar, I decided, Well, hey, Iniss must have it! He steals my stuff ALL the time… Including… I muttered some more, my state of the art, brand new Visser One dart poster, WHICH, may I precise, cost me ONE-HUNDRED TWENTY FIVE YEERK COINS!
At the absolute end of my freaking patience, I stormed out of my room, heading towards Iniss's. He'd better hope he wasn't back from the medical clinic yet, because I swear if I had to see him right now, his head would be impaled upon a stick before he even knew what hit him.
As I walked along, very dramatically (hey, whichever chance you get to make a scene, do it), I thought many things... If MY CHOCOLATE BAR was in that room, then I'd take a fit! … After I finished eating the bar, of course. And hey, if I found any more chocolate bars… well, let's just say Iniss got what was coming to him. And for this week only, there's a bonus: He'd get a significant deduction from his pay as well!
Heh… More money for me.
I reached Iniss's room and jabbed angrily at the keypad for a few seconds. Oh, and by the way! For anyone who may wish to know, Iniss's keypad code is 9-2-8-5-2. I REPEAT! NINE-TWO-EIGHT-FIVE-TWO! Thank you for allowing me to completely blow up Iniss's privacy. We'll see you next week, males and females, when we'll reveal the brand of shampoo Visser One uses.
… It's Joico. I should know. I stole it.
Anyhow, once I pushed in all five of those numbers (COUGH!92852!COUGH!), the door rapidly slid open and I ventured inside, in quest of my beloved chocolate bar.
… But I did not see the damn bar! In fact, even once I was done completely demolishing Iniss's room, there was still not a frickin' TRACE of it! Appalled, I went over to Iniss's bed, which is like the biggest piece of furniture he has in this incredible cubby hole he calls his room. The whole room kind of just looks like a square with four walls, one floor, and one ceiling. I would tell you what color the walls were at the time… but I couldn't make it out thanks to all the fricking Visser One posters he has piled up on every square inch of the room (talk about obsessed…)! In fact, the only place there weren't any posters was on a small door on the wall to the right of the bed, which undoubtedly led to the bathroom. Maybe there are posters inside. I wouldn't know… Shudder… It's a place where no Yeerk has gone before…
But anyway.
I stood beside the bed, since no Andalite has ever hoped of sitting down, and if I even tried to lay down right now, Alloran's intestines just may fail completely and I'd shit myself. And trust me, if Iniss found that lying on his bed when he returned… he'd know there was only one explanation.
I felt the bed with my hands, calculating. Knowing Iniss, he would have hidden the bar in a place where I could never hope to find it! And that's when it dawned on me. It wasn't in the covers. It wasn't in the rest of the demolished room either!
It was…
( UNDER THE PILLOW! ) I shrieked.
I practically leapt onto the bed, causing Alloran's knees to buckle, and I dug my hands under the pillow. Then, to my utter pleasure… Yes! My hands closed on something hard… I pulled it out with my hands, and…
( A book! ) I exclaimed, looking down at the little, thick blue-covered booklet I now held in my hands. ( It's just a freaking little blue BOOK!)
Disgusted, I threw the book down to the ground, where it splayed open, falling to the first page. As soon as I had done that, I resumed my fullest attention to the pillow. I dug my hands under… and… nothing. Frickin' NOTHING! All Iniss had hidden under there was that damned little book! Was was so important about a BOOK! Now, a chocolate bar, I can see… But a book!
I looked down with disdain at the little book, as if it was entirely its fault that I had lost my chocolate bar.
And it was right then that I realized…
THAT WAS INISS'S HANDWRITING!
I jumped off the bed in an instant, wondering… What the hell could Iniss possibly have written in that little book? Something about me? About Visser One? … No doubt about Visser One… But maybe me as well! It was definitely worth a check. I mean, you never know! He could have written something deeply traitorous in there! … I gloated interiorly… Yay.
And with that goal in mind – proving that Iniss was a huge traitor – I bent down low on my rickety Andalite legs and read:
Hello, my name is Iniss Two-Two-Six, and THIS… is my diary. Visser Three, my master, has a diary too. I thought it was a cool trend or something so I started one… But you must not look in here. Because it's PRIVATE. And… ARE YOU VISSER ONE! If so… I wanted you to know that I really really really want to mate with you… but I'm afraid to ask because I think you think I'm too much of a dweeb… Oh, the sad reality… But if you are Visser One, please, PLEASE don't read this… AND IF YOU'RE ANYONE ELSE, GET YOUR OVERSIZED NOSE OUT OF HERE! HIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHI!
Kindly, Iniss Two-Two-Six.
I put down the book, way too shocked and confused even to be raging mad. ( INISS'S DIARY! ) I screamed in private thought-speech. Already the psycho music was playing in my head. … Heh. The psycho music. What a wonderful human invention. I have it on my – Ahem. No matter. The only thing that really mattered around here was that I had found Iniss's DIARY! Yeah, I know! Iniss has a DIARY! … Okay, Visser, calm down. Hee-hou. I had to find out more. Iniss was bound to have written something treasonous in here about me! … Oh no… He better not have written about the time he came to my room and found a pair of underwear in the software shredder! Heh heh… Did I say that out loud? Woops… Ahem. Long story. We – I mean! I was bored, okay! Change of subject. In any which case, I just had to know more. So after shooting a quick glance all around to make sure the room was still locked and unoccupied, I shifted my gaze once again to the screwed-up handwriting which belonged to my P.A. …
Dear Diary,
Today, it was Visser Three's birthday. I wanted him to reward me, so I did something special... I downloaded this super-awesome human song! Unfortunately, I was on chocoIate when I sang it, so it sounded sort of off-key... And Visser Three just hated it! ... But I knew, deep in my heart, that he really did like it, and he just didn't want to say so because Visser One was there. Even though the Visser says he hates Visser One, I KNOW he's actually madly in love with her. Even though he says human customs are dumb. I just know it... I mean, how can you not be madly in love with Visser One? What's up with that! Nice try, Visser Three.
Iniss 226
P.S.: Visser Three got a rotten steak from the Andalite bandits for his birthday. I knew they'd make great friends... But instead of letting Visser Three fatten up, I used the steak to tease Visser One's vegetarian Taxxon P.A. He's not ever gonna want to see me again!
I just kind of stared at the little blue booklet for a moment, before wondering if I just may expel my latest portion of Anda-grass.
... Oh, so that's where the steak went. Only comment. Except... WHAT THE FRIG, INISS!
Me? In love with Visser One! Ha ha. NO. Never gonna happen.
Smiling at this insinuous thought, I quickly flipped to the next page, filled to the rims with even MORE of Iniss's succeeded-idiot handwriting. Taking a deep breath, already resenting the things I might find, I read on:
Dear Diary,
Oh, I wish Visser Three would mate with Visser One! I've tried to get him to do it a THOUSAND TIMES, but it just never works!
I want this for very selfish reasons, of course... You know me! ... See, if Visser Three mated with Visser One, I'd be able to stare at her all day long... Hee... I'd be her P.A.-in-law! I'd be able to obey her instead of Visser Three! ... Well, I'd probably still have to obey Visser Three, but anyway... I'd be able to give her advice, do all her paperwork, read her diary (!), watch her sleep... If she even gets to sleep, knowing Visser Three... Geez, I hope he never finds this!
Iniss 226
( WHAT THE HELL! ) I exclaimed.
That! I knew exactly what THAT was! That was the act of INISS conspiring against me before the HCF! That's how the freaking HCF had HAPPENED!
( Iniss is going to die. ) I glowered down at Iniss's diary, revelling in the fact that I write much more succeeded diary entries than he does…
Well what? I have NATURAL TALENT! The only natural talent Iniss has around here is that he has set a record for the largest amount of brain dysfunction ever seen in a Yeerk these days!
… ARGH… Must. Contain. Intestine. Failure. Brought on. By host. … OOOKAY! There we go! There was NO WAY I would ever let this chance pass – finding something treasonous written here by Iniss --, even if I shit myself right here on the floor of Iniss's bedroom, in the middle of a thousand and one Visser One posters. NOT. A. CHANCE!
My mind lingered to those posters for a moment… There were, of course, the random everyday posters (Iniss possessed every single existing one of those… Well, people, at least he's got a hobby…), the smiling ones (Visser One only agreed to pose for three of those… Figures.), the laying-down ones (I swear I caught Mr. Loud-And-Nasal with one of those in particular! … Shudder… Now, we all know I hate to feel sorry for Visser One, but…)… everything. But the one poster that caught my eye in particular, was… well…
( What the HELL! ) I exclaimed, turning quickly away from the cursed poster. ( Iniss! )
Then, more silently, I added to myself…
( I thought for sure those were sold exclusively! )
I tried REAL HARD not to look back in that direction… Even though Alloran was REEEAALLY hoping I would so I could notice the bathroom behind the poster… Sometimes I still wonder if it really was a coincidence that Iniss put that poster so close to the bathroom… Well. I guess we'll never know.
Anyway, to distract myself from Iniss's horrible lack of common sense, I stuck my nose right back into that diary and read the next entry.
Dear Diary,
I ate crackers today. They were GOOD! Crackers crackers crackers crackers! I bet they'd go good with CHEESE. Yum, cheese. Maybe I'll try dipping them in oatmeal tomorrow. I stole Visser Three's stash. Oh, man... He had CHOCOLATE FLAVORED OATMEAL! I don't know where he bought that, but it must have cost him a fricking fortune
Iniss 226
( WHAT! ) I shrieked. ( He stole my STASH! )
AAAAARRRGH! Who cares if Iniss found out about my finding his diary? That could just NOT go unpunished… And although I could have just stopped there… I smirked at the thought… Well, now I was way too damn curious to put the thing down! So I let my eyes skim the next couple entries…
Dear Diary,
Visser Three went to a "friends' gathering" today. Goodie! I was alone to stare at my poster of Visser One for five hours! But when Visser Three came back, I quickly hid my beloved poster and offered him some oatmeal. He was in bad shape. I swear, "UUUH!" was written ALL OVER his face. I wonder what happened... Maybe he was just tired, but I still wish I was there.
Iniss 226.
---
Later the same night.
Dear Diary,
Oh. My. God. Do you KNOW what Visser Three just told me! He said that at the friends' gathering, they played truth or dare, and Visser One's dare was to walk around in a tight silver bikini and sunglasses! And I MISSED it! I miss everything! My life is a disaster! Oh, snif snif SNIF! ... I'm so miserable! I wish I had a Dracon Beam so I could end it all... Or at least the Time Matrix.
Iniss 226.
I remembered that. That was the time when I went to Councilor Four's friends gathering! I wasn't at all surprised he would write about that… Although even to him, I hadn't spoken of the kiss of death I'd shared with Visser One against my will.
I'd never spoken about it. Except, of course, in this diary. I love you, Diary. But enough with the sappy stuff! There was more! I flipped the page and continued reading.
Dear Diary,
Somebody once told me I should quit my job, but I don't because Visser Three has a luxurious room (and a close, though "bad" (hint quotation) relationship with my beloved Visser One)! Now... I'm seriously reconsidering that option... Why? Okay, we landed on Earth for emergency ship repair, and he went out to explore... Well, he couldn't find his way back, and he couldn't demorph to run faster, so he stole a frickin' pink and purple TRICYCLE from a little human girl and rode it in rush hour traffic all the way back to the ship! That dapsen... Always trying to purposely embarrass me...
Iniss 226.
P.S. -- The next day, in other words today, Visser Three was proud of himself, and while he sang a human song like nothing I've ever heard, we found out that the little girl whose trike had been stolen somehow found her way into the ship! CREEEEEEPY! Humie germs!
---
Dear Diary,
Ellie, Visser Three's new intern, is really nice. I mean REALLY nice. The only bad thing about her is that she isn't as drastically beautiful as Visser One... Too bad... Anyway! I can talk to Ellie about things that Visser Three would shoot me in the head if I talked about. That's good, because everyone (including lonely old me) needs someone to talk to once in a while!
I told Ellie about my love problems, without actually mentionning who it was I was in love with... What? I was afraid she would laugh at me! Visser Three laughed at me when I made the big mistake of telling him! And that was right before he kicked me in the rear!
So anyway, I decided to simply ask Ellie how to get a female Yeerk who is waaaaaay out of my league to mate with me, and she said I should try to make her laugh. That's really good advice, Ellie, but I already make Visser One laugh, and she just thinks I'm an idiot! Well... at least I get to see her smile...
Woops, gotta go! I was daydreaming (and writing) while washing Visser Three's Blade ship, and I think I accidentally set it on fire. Woooooooooooops! AAAH!
Iniss 226.
Drastically beautiful? Visser One? He obviously doesn't know the THING very well at all, does he?
Though he is right about one thing. Ellie is a great intern, despite her incredible girliness and giggling…
And whining.
… And filling my closet with thousands of pink-and-purple outfits.
… And enjoying Visser One's presence…
Okay. How about I just stop while I'm ahead?
There was one last entry in the diary. He really doesn't update frequently, does he? I mean, even I'm faster than that, and that's saying something!
Ignoring Alloran's desperate pleas to go to the bathroom, I lowered my eyes again to the incredible mess which was Iniss's diary entry.
Dear Diary,
I think there's something going on between my master and Visser One. I know, I know I said that I WANTED that to happen, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that I don't! I mean, who wants their master to have the most beautiful female Yeerk in the Empire when they can just take her for themselves? But when I saw Visser Three hugging Visser One after his little human tricycle incident, I got sooo jealous and I thought it might be too late! So that's when I got my ingenious idea: I, Iniss Two-Two-Six, would pretend to be Visser Three! How, you ask? Simple! I stole his host and left him mine, so Visser One would hug ME instead of HIM! Ingenious, isn't it!
Unfortunately, Visser Three blew my little plan… Oh so sad! He barged into Visser One's room just when she was talking about going to BED, and declared that I had stolen his host! I tried to assume the contrary, but Visser One believed HIM, and later that day, when I was relieving my sorrows by splattering green fingerpaint all over Visser Three's wall, they came in without my knowledge and knocked me out with a shovel!
After THAT… when I woke up… ah… uh… eh? You know, I sort of don't remember! All I know is I woke up to notice that the shovel left a huge mark on my head. But after that there's a huge memory hole that lasts a few days until… until now! Huh. Strange. Must get that checked.
Iniss 226.
I stared at the little blue booklet in absolute shock and silence. I was about to rage. But then… but then, somehow… I burst out laughing my head off like a big ninny.
At Iniss.
( Iniss… Stole my host… Because he was jealous of me for hugging Visser One? ) I choked out between insane laughter. ( And I thought there was an actual serious motive! Like he wanted my cheese or something! AHAHAHAHA! That loser! )
I laughed for a little while longer. Then I saw another Visser One poster on the wall opposite the bathroom, screamed, and fell silent.
All that for that? I thought to myself.
But hey, at least now I knew a few of the motives behind the stuff Iniss does sometimes.
Doesn't mean I'll ever understand him though.
I looked at the little book known at Iniss's diary. I smirked, let out a little chuckle and got up to place it back under the pillow. Then I got up, followed of course by a mad sprint to get to my room as quickly as possible before the intentines failed… argh, stupid host. Why am I always stuck with these?
---
It was only an hour after reading Iniss's deepest secrets that I remembered…
… THE CHOCOLATE BAR!
Once again, I angrily barged out of my room (in human morph, I'd morphed earlier to avoid the horrible intestines of Alloran) and found Iniss standing in the corridor, obviously just arriving from the medical clinic. Fuming, I approached him with my hooves practically stomping the ground.
He turned around.
" Oh hi Visser!" he said. " I'm fine. They checked my brain stem and found nothing."
" Yeah, I'll bet they found nothing, because there IS nothing!" I exclaimed angrily. " Now where in the name of the FRIGGING EMPEROR is my chocolate bar?"
He seemed sheepish. " Uh… I… ate it? Heh heh… Please don't hurt me."
I just stared in ultimate anger.
Then I hit him.
" OW!" he yelled, rubbing his arm.
I turned around, smirked and shook my head.
" You're such a dapsen, Iniss," I said, amused.
Then, I walked back to my room and shut the door behind me. Before moving on with my life, I found myself remembering the strange day I had just had… I chuckled and shook my head again.
" That, whatever it was!" I exclaimed, walking off to my main bedroom.
There was, of course, plenty of work to do… Work, as in SLEEPING!
… GOOD NIGHT!
Until my return,
Esplin 9466
Next chapter is going to be my humoristic rendition of Animorphs #5: The Predator. I'm going to need a couple of weeks to get the book facts in order and write the chap, so please be patient with me! Also, since two weeks ago was March Break for most people, the number of reviews for chapter fifteen was kind of, ahem, pathetic. :P LoL, PLEASE review okay? I am a VERY opinion-centered person and I want this fic's ending to be the best it can possibly be! Till next time!